6. Work-Life Life Balance Myth with Devora Gila Berkowitz

July 28, 2021

In This Episode
We are the divine made space. As humans, we seek perfection in everything that we do, especially as wives and mothers. Devora Gila Berkowitz discusses real work-life balance between being divine and human at the same time. The real mission is to reveal divinity into this world through kindness, and it all you need are conscious awareness, compassion and unconditional love, curiosity, creativity, and committed action.

Highlights
01:03 Are you a high-achieving woman? Get to know Devora Gila Berkowitz, the Ease and Flow Coach
02:21 Devora Gila debunks the typical work-life balance myth, especially for married, high-achieving women
07:11 Human beings always want to be in control but it is in letting go that allows us to find the ‘real’ work-life balance
11:52 The Five Cs of Transformation created by Devora is discussed. The first C is conscious awareness, where you are not just thinking about what goes on around you but also in your head
14:52 Although you have no control over everything in your life, it is all a set-up for your mission of compassion and unconditional love from infinite to finite
16:13 Curiosity about your endless possibilities and going back to your inner child allows you to be seen, heard, and reframe your mindset
21:38 You have the ability to choose a new or alternate way to approach and think about what goes on in your life through creativity.
24:14 Committed action is where the divine and human part of you comes together by taking the steps you need to transform your life
25:49 Rebbetzin Bat-Chen applies the 5 Cs of Transformation into a common problem in marriage
30:24  The goal of the woman in family for Devora is to be calm and relaxed under any circumstance
30:42 Women should learn to give themselves their own happiness, and not depend on others, especially their husbands, to receive it
33:08 Having self-compassion is the first step to being your own personal advocate
37:14 Negativity is a gift from the divine, and each soul’s journey is to overcome the pitfalls in life
38:19 Making changes in one’s life only takes one choice. By choosing what aligns with you allows you to create big differences in your life
40:52 Devora ends the show with encouraging advice to act with kindness to reveal divinity in the world

Links
Devora Gila: Facebook | LinkedIn | Website
Discover Ease and Flow for Ambitious, High-Achieving Women
5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Marriage Breakthrough Retreat

Let’s Connect!
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REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Welcome to the Connected For Real Podcast! I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business, and my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let’s get started. The following is one of the many conversations I had with experts and professionals about real life and how it affects marriage. Let me know your takeaways on Instagram or Facebook, @connectedforreal. Enjoy. And we are live. Welcome to my weekly show. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Today we have Devora Gila Berkowitz, who is so much fun, and is going to talk to us about the work-life balance, how it’s a whole myth, and we actually should do things differently. Devora Gila, introduce yourself and tell us all why you’re so amazing.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
I’m so excited to be here with my blinding earrings. I’m gonna blind anybody with these. So thank you so much Rebbetzin for having me here. I love our connection, and the conversations that we have had. I love helping ambitious, high achieving women, women leaders, entrepreneurs, and influencers who’re making a difference in our crazy, chaotic world, and helping them achieve a life of ease and flow, peace, calm, alignment, and balance. That’s my mission in the world right now.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Wuhoo! I love it. I love all those words that work so well together.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
The wuhoo words.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, well they’re really powerful because it’s not just out there. It’s really achievable, which is the awesome part of it. So tell us how you do it. First tell us why you think that it’s a myth to find balance between work and life because if it’s a myth then it’s a little bit frustrating that we’re all running towards something that isn’t attainable or achievable. Is it something that we can achieve? Is it just a myth that needs to be balanced, or is it just need to be in harmony? Tell us a little bit about what you think.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Let’s start here. Let’s start with the facts. This feeling that you’re being pulled in so many different directions by work and family, spinning plates in the air, juggling all of the things–too many responsibilities, too many priorities. It’s like you can’t be in more than one place at once, but when you’re doing this you want to be doing the other thing. Can you relate to that?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh, yeah.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
And so welcome to the modern era. This is very true, and especially for ambitious high achieving women, who push themselves and more on the go. That’s on the one hand. On the other hand, we love to give. We love to give to our families. If we have businesses, we love to give to our clients. It’s just so natural and we’ve been nurtured to give, give, give, and the problem is that you end up being pulled apart at the seams and then there’s nothing left for you. So you’re worn out fatigued, exhausted–no time for yourself to take care of yourself, no time to exercise, or to eat right. I remember the days of just my meals was the kids’ leftovers, and not getting enough rest.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Wait, wait. Isn’t that our job? Isn’t that in the description of your job as a mother that you shouldn’t waste any food and you should be the one to eat it all up so that it doesn’t go to waste? I’m totally joking.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Well, that’s the thing is that being a busy woman pulled in different directions comes with it a lot of presumptions. One of those presumptions is this myth that I’m going to call it that we need to have work-life balance–all the shoulds. “I really should be doing everything. I should be doing it well, if not perfectly.” Not only did that put a lot of pressure on you but it puts pressure on your family because once you get stressed–the woman is the core of the home, and so everybody feels that stress. That’s a very big problem and so it impacts on your relationships. Whether it’s with your spouse, with your children, you end up being really moody, grumpy and snappy, and you don’t want that. What you want instead really–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I can relate.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Right. This is very relatable. What you want instead, of course, is that feeling of calm, peace, alignment, and balance. That’s how the whole idea of work-life balance was born–of this belief that, “I really should have it all together. I should be able to put all the pieces together, have it run really smoothly, do it elegantly and with grace.”

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I think it came from comparing to other people because we don’t actually see everybody else’s mess. All we see is that it looks like they got it all together, and so it seems like it’s something that somebody else can do. I just can’t. “She’s got it all together and I don’t, so it must be that there’s something wrong with me.” Meanwhile, the other ladies thinking the same thing about you because we’re all in the boat together.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Right. Exactly. The thing is that those voices–they’re really coming from within us. It’s coming inside–of inside your own head. Here’s the problem with the myth of work-life balance–that having this presumption that everything has to be imbalanced is it’s aggrandizing or making the original problem bigger. What’s the original problem? The original problem is the need for control–to have to control. That’s what happens. Thinking, “I’m not enough. It’s not good enough.” You grew up with a mindset that you have to work hard to achieve, and you have to do everything super well in order to be accepted. So when we think that work-life balance is the answer, what we’re doing is, again, trying to be in control, to control the externals, and to control the circumstances and the situations around us when the solution is that the answer lies within yourself. Boom. She drops the mic. That’s the core thing. The myth is it’s not outside of you. The solution is within. What are your thoughts on that?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love it. I think that sometimes people get really frustrated when they’re told the answers come from within because then they’re like, “Well, if they’re inside me then how come I don’t know? How come I didn’t find it yet if it’s so close?” It’s because you haven’t been looking. You’ve been looking outwards. It feels like the answer is counter-intuitive. You want to control, so it must be that the answer would be letting go–just letting go of the results, letting go of the expectations, and just being in the moment, in the present. I’m going to just throw a guess–

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Exactly. What is the opposite of control? The opposite of control is not lack of control. The opposite of control is trust. It’s that letting go. It’s that allowing. It’s that “let go and let God.” I want to shine some light on here. I discovered recently in one of my mental exploration spiritual ponderings that the reason why we get stuck on perfectionism, and we want things to go well and go a certain way is because we are divine souls, divine beings in human form. We are the divine made space, so to speak, and stepped out of the way so that we can be here so that we can reveal the divine in the world but we have that divine inside of us. So we get confused because we’re human. We’re finite. We’re both infinite. We have that perfection sense about us because we are divine beings but we’re finite because we’re human. That’s where it gets so frustrating that we can’t do it all. We’re not meant to do it all because we’re human beings. So we need to balance in between the divine and the human. How do we balance that? By going inside with lots of compassion, huge amounts of awareness, self-awareness, and compassion and actually got a process that I can talk a little bit about if you want to hear more about that.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It resonates. You reminded me of one of the things I always say–is there is a prerequisite to being in this world, and it’s being human. You can’t avoid being human. You’re not going to have it all together, be perfect, and whatever, but on the other hand, you will be able to allow Hashem, God, to guide you if you just listen. If you just turn off all the noise, and really get in touch with that part of you that can connect, then there is a lot of ways to get that message and get the clarity but you have to be willing you have to really want it. You said you have a system for that do you want to share that with us because I think that would be really helpful because I’m really into practicality and I want to bring what we’re talking about into the world today

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Absolutely and before we do that I want to tell a quick story about letting go of control. Years ago, before I started my work with intuitive coaching and divine energy healing, I was a vocal coach. I was teaching women how to use their voices to connect to themselves, to connect to the divine in order to sing better, and also to feel better about themselves. One woman who wanted to improve her voice–she couldn’t reach those high notes, and she just–her voice always hurt because she pushed when she sang and so through a holistic process that that I developed, it was all about connecting to the time within you and connecting to divine source she not only learned how to hit those high notes with so much beauty but she opened up and opened up with so much trust and so much love from her heart that she ended up improving her marriage relationship. She came with marriage troubles, and they were trying to get pregnant for a couple of years. As a result of this opening, opening, allowing, and trusting that by the end of just a short time working together she revealed that she was expecting her next child.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
That is so beautiful. It really–I think that also shows that relationship between mind, body, the soul, and the way that we perceive the world. It’s like your body feels if there is trust. It feels if there is safety, and it really will open up when you start to trust and until that compassion for yourself–that’s just so big that’s something that I think we should all strive for wow

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Have you ever seen a snail outside? I love going outside with my kids and finding little bugs, different things in nature, and you see a snail and you got to pet it. It withdraws back into its shell. That’s also us, and that’s what we do. We try to control and protect ourselves. It’s totally natural because that’s part of being a finite human being and when we allow, let go, and trust, we’re connecting to our divine soul. It allows us to poke our head out of our shell, see the sun shine–being able to get back and connect it into the world. How about I start my process?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Okay. Go ahead. We are ready.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
This is your path to ease and flow. It starts with the five Cs. It’s easier to remember five Cs. The first C is conscious awareness. Awareness is so obvious, of course, I need to be aware of what my problems are but it’s not just awareness of the circumstances, whether you’re struggling in your life, struggling in your marriage–it’s also awareness of what are the thoughts going on in your mind when you’re not even paying attention. It’s about developing an awareness to what are those tapes you’re playing over and over I’m not enough–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I’m going to say–don’t worry it’s not that we’re thinking so many thoughts is that they’re all repetitive and we’re just replay, replay, replay. We’re always on reruns and it’s so boring. Let’s just bring that up, be aware of it, and decide if it’s serving us or not because it’s really boring if it’s not. It’s getting old. So yeah, go ahead. I love that.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Remember back in the day when there was just a few TV stations? It was CVS, NBC, and ABC, or something like that. I’m still dating myself. So those are the only channels who have about 80,000 thoughts in our head, which seems like a lot but most of them are the same thoughts over and over again. So you have to be aware of what is your thinking. Are you thinking you’re not worthy so you don’t take time out for yourself, or that you’re not enough? It’s not good enough so you have to keep pushing yourself. What are those thoughts? Also awareness on what is that causing your body. I was talking to a woman recently who had a heating pad on her shoulder while we were talking about being stressed and overwhelmed because she had chronic neck pain from being stressed and overwhelmed. What are you doing, what’s happening with your body as a result of the stress and overwhelm that your thoughts are causing you because we’re a holistic package and then finally what are the emotions you’re feeling that moodiness frustration? Are you anxious because you’re not able to do all the things that you think you’re supposed to be doing? That’s awareness.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. You made me think of Chanah Mason’s example. She calls our body a natural light detector because the way a lie detector works is they check your pulse. They check your eyes if they’re dilating–whatever. They check all these different things about your body and when you answer questions they will see if your body isn’t stressed or if it’s at peace. So you will know if a thought is truth or if it’s not because of the way your body is either closed or open. If you’re feeling tight, you’re feeling heavy, and you’re feeling ugh and yucky, then you can know that something is going on with your thoughts and that you’re believing something that’s really stressful. If you’re open and feeling really calm, ease, flow, and all those awesome things that we said, it almost brings us back to it’s all in the way that you think. It’s all in your mind.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Yeah, and so you might be thinking, “Well, how do I get from that stressful thought into ease and flow?” It’s just like, “I am so stuck. What do I do?” Which brings me to the second C. The second C is compassion and unconditional love. This is something that we so need on our planet right now, and it starts with each one of us, starts with each person, starts with each woman, each mother, starts with you and me. What is compassion? Compassion is remembering that you are on a mission from infinite into finite. According to sacred Jewish wisdom, the Kabbalah, you were actually coaxed. It’s kind of teased into coming into the world–like seduced into coming into the world so that the divine could have a relationship with you. It’s not your fault that you’re here. You are in a mission and passion from everything you’ve experienced, everything–the family you were born into, the weaknesses that you have, the things that happen to you in your childhood, all of the things that pull you away from being who you are, all of your shadow side. You have compassion for all the–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Everything you can’t control that got you to this point and you have no control over is all a setup for your mission.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Exactly, like all dark spots. So just have compassion for all of that because this is your soul’s journey and the good news is this is why you’re here–is to shine light into those places. So have a lot of compassion on yourself for that. Compassion is just key. If you walk away with just that I’ll be happy. Number three, the third C, is curiosity. This is a pro-tip for personal growth nerds like me. [Laughs] Curiosity is all about being in that childlike curiosity, the beginner’s mind, the open-mindedness of what is possible. What else is possible besides this really funky feeling that I am feeling stuck, frustrated and guilty that I didn’t get everything done and resentful that other people are taking up my time or whatever it is? So being curious–what else is possible? What’s a different kind of thought that I could have in my head and then after that–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that discovery mode. I was a graphic designer for 15 years and if you can’t get into the discovery mode then you’re going to be trying to force something ,like a circle into a square, until you finally let go and are able to get into that. I totally relate to that. This is really, super important. Yeah, go ahead. That’s why by the way, total practical tip, go hang out with kids. They are so good at this. They are natural at just having fun and being in the curiosity mode, and not really trying to get anywhere or do anything. They’re just happy being, and it’s really fun to be around them when you can get in touch with that. So thank you. What’s the next C? I’m loving this.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Let’s just like dive a little bit deeper into this one if that’s okay with you. Just a couple more–so first a little anecdote and then another tip. So the anecdote is that–Thank God, God blessed me with four kids. Now three of them are teenagers and I got my little guy at home. The difference between the first one and the fourth one is with the first one it was all about, “What can I teach them today? What can I teach them? What can I put? What can I program their subconscious mind so that they’ll grow–infants into whole beings. Now, my interaction is more like, “Yeah I wonder what he’s thinking about. [Laughs] What do you draw? What are you drawing over there? What do you think? What do you think of this? What are you–” Just being so interested in my child’s world. That’s a little anecdote how I’ve kind of changed from that micromanaging, trying to influence–and that’s important we have to influence but it’s not just pushing you onto them. It’s like opening up and seeing what are they reflecting back to you that’s inside of them. The tip is like this. In order to get yourself into that curiosity mode, ask yourself this question–it’s very simple, “I wonder what else is possible for me at this moment. I wonder how I can move forward on this.” One particular example is coming to my head–is, “I wonder how that pile of dishes is going to get washed?” [Laughs] Really practical. Do you ever face a pile of dishes, and you’re just like, “I really don’t feel like doing this,” and you even delegated or whatever. Somehow when you ask that question, those dishes are getting washed because you’re doing it from a place of joy. Now it’s not even something you have to do. It’s just you’re in the moment, you’re being present, you’re with yourself in complete alignment, and it’s this beautiful thing. So “I wonder” opens up this vacuum for then the divine to bring possibilities into your life, and it doesn’t have to be something that’s boring as doing dishes. It could be–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
No, it’s nice to say. One of the nicest things about high achieving women is instead of saying, “This is how I’m gonna get there. This is my goal. I need to get X amount of money,” they say, “I wonder how quickly I can make this much,” or, “I wonder how long it will take me to make this much,” and so it suddenly becomes almost like a game and not a result. They’re sort of playing around with, which is really nice. It’s something that I really enjoy about my peers, who are all in this high level of consciousness mindset of just like, “I’m here for a reason. I’m here for a purpose, and I’m also here.” It’s almost like it just aligns so well that I should have the means that will enable me to then amplify my message and all of that good stuff. Instead of going at it very straight and very how this has to happen, or “I need to get there,” it’s more like, “I wonder how long I can make–” It really changes the tone it makes it so much more fun, more enjoyable, more alive. I really like that. So anyway, I know that those are the types of people who are listening to the two of us so I think that’s a good example.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
For entrepreneurs, “I wonder who my next client will be. I wonder how the divine will manifest X amount of money in my business,” and etc., so you can play around with that. The fourth C is creativity. So basically discovering what it is that how you were thinking beforehand, getting insight into that. Curious and then creating something new like, “What is the new mindset that you want to have?” The biggest mistake that people make is they want to jump from awareness of what their old mindset was, and old thought patterns into the new one. The problem is that without those in-between steps, compassion for yourself, and opening up to curiosity, then it’s kind of like just writing something over the old land without erasing the old one. So your new mindset comes from that, and you can choose whatever it is. When I work with people, I take them through an intuitive process that helps that open up intuitively from their inner guidance. So hopefully it’s something that really resonates with you, and when you check in with that new mindset in your gut, it feels good. So for example let me ask you what would be an alternative. Let’s say, you went through all the steps. What would be an alternative to “I have to push myself harder” for example?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
“I can allow whatever–I can allow it in. I can allow it to just come to me.” That would be an alternative.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
That felt good. I took a nice breath.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I’ve been doing a lot of work. You can tell. This isn’t new to me. Yeah, that belief that it needs to be perfect, and I need to do it right–all the ducks in a row. I’ve worked so hard to really just change that and just play, allow it to be, and receive, get really in touch with that feminine receiving ability, to just like open myself up, and get out of the way. Sometimes I feel like when I’m in that push, push, push mode, I’m really getting in the way of what is coming. When I could just move aside and just open myself up, it’s so magical, and it’s so normal, you know what I mean? Can you relate to that? It’s a little bit hard to explain because for people who don’t know what I’m talking about–just flows like you’re saying, ease and flow. When you finally get to that point where you’re like adjust and just let it come, instead of make it come, pull it down.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
That’s the reconnection, the realignment, the getting grounded, and getting in touch with your divine soul. That’s what it’s all about and from that place, you take it into the fifth C, which is committed action. So we’re leaving all the ways—yeah, you love this because we’re bringing it down–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Why? Because it’s so practical. Like Connected for Real–why I named it that was exactly that, because you can be super connected and super in that high fluffy mode but if you don’t bring it down, you don’t take action, and you don’t actually show–put your money where your mouth is, then there is lacking. Chris Guillebeau says at the end of his podcast–he has a daily podcast and he says, “Inspiration is great but inspiration with action is so much better,” and I love every single time I listen to him. That is my highlight of the day because it is exactly what you said, and that’s why it made me react so excitedly–is because it’s really true. I am all about practical. Go ahead, go into this one. Let’s hear.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
That is so true. This is where the divine and human parts of us come together. So we are now taking our steps. Here we are in the world to take action and so from that new place, now with self-compassion, complete awareness, with new insights from your curiosity and creativity, now you can take your next steps whatever that is in your family life, in your work life, whether it is to accomplish a task in your business, or I don’t know you can give me some examples of things–whether it is something in your relationship with your husband or with your children.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I was gonna say because I’m a marriage coach and my specialty is marriage, then I would like to bring it to marriage. Let’s connect it. Let’s bring that into the relationship of the most important relationship in our life, that sometimes falls behind or lags in the background when we’re trying to push through, as we said, push through and make things happen. It gets a little bit rusty and it doesn’t feel nice because in theory, it’s the most important thing in our lives. In theory, we know this is priority but in reality it sometimes doesn’t show. It’s very frustrating and makes a lot of women feel very resentful of their husbands–a lot of times because they feel like he’s the one holding them back or he’s the one that’s creating this situation. Sometimes there is that lack of balance between the two where she feels like she’s working hard and she’s always the one learning, developing, finding new ways, trying to make it work, and he’s just sort of sitting back and waiting for something magical to happen or whatever. These are the complaints that I’m getting, and like, “Why me? Why do I have to take responsibility? Why do I have to do all the work? Why do I have to be the good one?” Those are real concerns and those are things I used to think I remember going to a marriage class and asking that like, “I’m always the good one.” Does this make sense? So yes, it makes sense. This is what it is. This is how it is, and if it’s important to you then you be the one to make a change. If you’re fine with it, then that’s fine too. So I’d like to hear how you can connect what you taught us until now.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Yeah, thank you for that because you’re right on the ball. That’s what women are thinking and feeling. That’s why I chose this topic today, the myth of work-life balance, because when you realize that God is in control, and it’s time to allow and let go of control, and you focus on that sense of trust, the process we talked about, the awareness of yourself, what’s going on the compassion, curiosity, being creative about it, coming from that place you make those inner changes in yourself and you will see changes in the people around you. It’s a ripple effect. It’s all energy. The divine is one eternal, infinite, and that’s all there is. So when you make that change in yourself you’re, opening up to higher and higher levels in your divine soul, and that’s just going to influence everyone around them, and touch their souls too. When you come from your heart, you will touch their hearts when you come from your highest self, you will touch their highest self. That’s what I’m hearing also from the women that I work with. It’s like when they work on themselves, and make these very subtle but very deep, profound miraculous changes in themselves, then they know their communication is better with their husbands. They’re getting more respect from their husbands. They’re turning to them for their intuition. That’s a lot too, and they jump up level their relationship with their husbands. So quick story, one woman that I was working with was constantly stressed out she really had this “not enough” thing going on in a way that I can really understand because I burned out from that. She was on the edge of burning out. She came to me just really desperate for help. Her communication with her husband was awful. It was a lot of bickering and tenseness. Her kid would cling to her when she was trying to let her off at the kindergarten, and she was just constantly stressed and overwhelmed. So by learning how to let go, to allow to trust in the process of life, and to rewire her brain, rewire the neurological system that had all these old patterns in it. Through that process alone, she just created miracles in her life. She created an amazing relationship with her husband, where they were working as a team and where he was asking, “How can I help?” Her daughter went happily to kindergarten because her mother wasn’t stressed out. Her mother let go, now the kid could let go. She just became a more happier and healthier person. In fact, there was a point at which we were working together, and she was worried that she had become lazy because she was so used to pushing herself. She wasn’t lazy. She had finally learned on a deep, visceral way how to just be calm and relaxed no matter what was happening around her. That is the goal of every woman–is to become that person in the family that can be relaxed and calm no matter what’s happening, especially in these times of political upheaval, of coronavirus, of the uncertainty. We need to hold that place calm and alignment.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I think that the last point of commitment–if you can’t commit to yourself that was the whole thing about like, “Why me? Why do I have to work? Why doesn’t for once he take responsibility for the relationship?” Really, you’re gonna give him the key to your happiness like, “Here you go. Bye.” No. It’s your life. You want it? You make a commitment to yourself to really give yourself what you need because when you can do that, then things start moving forward, then you’re stepping up to something that is action. It’s a commitment that shows to yourself that this is really important. This week I had a client who said it’s not fair that my husband doesn’t give to me when he can. He only gives whatever–she had a whole thing, a whole story and like, “I’m always the leftovers,” and so I said “Let’s turn it around. Let’s see how do you give to yourself when you can,” and she’s like, “I give to everyone else, and at the end most times, I don’t even have as much as other people, so I just get the leftovers.” I was like, “Isn’t that interesting?” and she was shocked. She never even thought about it, and it was suddenly so clear that she treats herself the way she wants the way he treats her, and to him this might be just kind of completely normal because this is how she treats herself. So I said, “Step one: put yourself first. Really take yourself seriously, and commit to treating yourself the way you want to be treated,” and it just so quickly opens up because you can finally give yourself the things you want. You don’t have to wait around. Mind-blowing. I don’t have to wait for someone else to whatever. This is something we are not really given permission to do, I think, by society. It’s something that we have to learn to give ourselves.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Yeah, I love those mind-blowing moments that you have with your clients, and that’s the one place where you do need to control. You need to control yourself in the sense that–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It’s the only thing you can control.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Your thoughts, your speech, and your actions. It starts with that compassion, it really does because–

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
The first gift you should give yourself is compassion and it’s really hard. It’s really, really hard to be able to just sit down and say–I had an example. I was doing yoga and I wasn’t feeling well halfway through, maybe 45 minutes in. We went up and down, and up and down. I started feeling–it was hot. We’re doing in the sun because of Covid, we’re always outside. It’s really hot. It was 12 30 in the afternoon, like it was really a hot day, and I didn’t have enough water in my bottle–whatever. The whole thing was just a disaster and towards the end, I felt I couldn’t do it anymore, and then she says, “Okay, now we’re gonna do a flow.” I’m like, “No way. I am not doing anything else,” and I just put myself flat and brought my knees to me. I just rocked back and forth, and just tried to relax and breathe. I felt my brain going, “This is terrible. You’re paying full price for a class, and you’re not even doing the stuff. What’s going on? You should push yourself,” and this and that. Then I actually like heard myself stop and say, “Wait, but hello, I am doing exactly what I need to do for my body right now. I am so proud of myself that I was able to be so aware. Look at me just resting here while everybody else is working hard. I’m working just as hard because resting is super important when your body needs it.” I was like standing up for myself, and having this entire conversation back and forth. I really felt that this was active work. You think I wasn’t working yoga? I was working a lot in my head because your automatic screams at you, “Don’t–no.  It’s not enough. It’s not good. It’s not–” this and that and the other. You have to stand up for yourself, and say like, “No, it’s fine. I’m doing great. I’m really proud of myself. Look at how much I did. Look at how aware I was that I needed to rest, and look at how I didn’t push myself.” What’s the point of pushing myself and then fainting? Really, would that have made you happy? So I think that just being really honest with yourself, giving yourself credit, love and compassion is key. I just wanted to give that example because it came up in my head but I think it’s so real. Just know everybody’s having this–maybe not everyone, maybe I’m just special but most people are having these conversations in their head. You have to be conscious enough, and aware enough to stand up for it and say, “I choose compassion. I’m not gonna let the automatic negative thoughts (the ants) ruined my picnic.” There was a really great book about that. He calls it the ants, automatic negative thoughts, and he says, “Don’t let the ants ruin your picnic,” and it’s so powerful it’s so cute but yeah don’t let that.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
That’s so beautiful. You really do need to be your number one advocate because no one’s going to do it for you. You need to be that person. There comes a point when no matter what has happened to us in our past, we need to grow ourselves up and we collect those fragmented parts of us, and finally see and hear ourselves because we were not always seen and heard as children. I think that’s true for maybe every single person on this planet from our own perspective, we don’t feel like we’re seen and heard, and it’s time to do that now. It’s really, really important. Thank you for sharing that that story.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Thank you. “Negative Nancy” there’s a name for those thought patterns.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
That’s a great and clever idea to make a character out of your thoughts so that it can be light. It doesn’t have to be something—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It’s also eternal. Sometimes when we can give that, when we can separate ourselves from our thoughts, so it’s not our identity. It’s not “I am” those thoughts. It’s just as if someone else was saying them, and you’re just wondering if–almost like that curiosity part where like, “Should I listen? Should I buy this? Am I–can I choose to say no?” I have that choice of saying, “No thanks,” as if someone is trying to sell you this negative thought. You can choose to not let it in or not buy it, not buy into it.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Yeah, and I think in addition to that to remember where does the negativity come from–it really comes from the divine and it’s actually a gift because it gives us the opportunity to overcome it. It gives us the chance to shine light in that darkness, and so we each have our own individual customized package of darkness, weaknesses, and mindset pitfalls as you might call them. Each one of us has our own soul’s journey in order to overcome those things that’s why we’re here.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. I love that you said it comes from God because once you realize that, the darkness and the light are all one, and it all comes from the same source. Really the point here is choice. Why do we have these thoughts? Because we can choose if we want them or not. We can choose to listen or not. We can choose if to believe or not. Just like we can choose to do something about the situation so it really is so powerful. I love that point that you brought up.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
It connects to another really important point which is making changes doesn’t have to be hard it can be as easy as making a choice in the moment.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, and there is actually a rabbi–I really should find out who it was because I was in high school and I remember a teacher telling us about this rabbi and I asked him, “How did you become so big?” Like top-of-the-food chain type of big, “How did you do it?” and he said, “One choice at a time. I had a choice between going this way, or going that way, and I chose going this way. Then again I had a choice ‘this’ or ‘that’ and I chose ‘this way.’” So every single time I made a choice–can you imagine if you took a right every time or whatever—right-left, right-left? You’d get to where you want to go and even if you took one wrong turn here or there, it wouldn’t make such a big difference. In the big picture of things, your choices will take you where you choose to go. So it really is one choice at a time, and once you break it down that way, then it feels like baby steps. Don’t think about the full thing, just right now. I’ll bring it into marriage because I do that–if you haven’t been sick of me yet then great. When you have a situation, you want to answer back, and it’s the wrong thing to do, or you want to just be quiet. You have to stand up for whatever. You have to say something. There’s always the right thing in your mind to do, and then it takes courage to do it. It’s a choice. Either you get on that train that’s going the wrong direction, or you wait for the next train that’s going in the right direction. Either you jump on the right train, or you wait for the wrong train. It’s always a choice between, “Am I going the right direction? Am I choosing the trajectory I want or am I falling into this loop now of hurt and get hurt because I decided to jump into the fight?”

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Yeah, definitely the more connected that you are to yourself, the easier it is to jump on the right train because the more connected you are to yourself, the easier it is to see what is going to be the consequence of this thing that I really want to say that will be so satisfying to that negative side of myself, but when you connect to yourself you can really feel what is going to the results of that next step that you’re going to take.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. We are running out of time so I want you to tell us the punch at the end of something really powerful that we could take out of this

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
It is so important to just to know you are here right now on this planet, where you are today, for a reason, and that is to shine your light into the darkness because the world needs you to do that right now–to reveal divinity in the world, whether it’s through kindness, a kind act, a kind word, being connected to yourself, whatever it is that lights you up, and connects you to your divine soul. Do that thing because now is the time to do it.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, yes. That was so profound okay how can people find you.

DEVORA GILA BERKOWITZ
Super simple so this link will take you to a resource that you can use to get you closer to your state of ease and flow. You can also connect to me on Facebook. I’m on LinkedIn. My website is easeandflowsoul. If you want to learn more about me and see the nice things people had to say about me over there, I’d love for you to connect in a way that makes sense for you.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, I highly recommend even if it’s just of coffee meeting with Devora Gila, it is so fun. It was really fun for me also to get to know her and talk, and it all started from a post she posted that I was like, “Yes, this is a person I want to be friends with, and then we got friendly from there. We became really good friends and colleagues.” If you want the five surprising ways to improve your marriage it is a free PDF. You can go download it at connectedforreal.com/free and there you will find a free pdf with five surprising ways to improve your marriage is exactly that. If you have any questions, if you want to get in touch with Devora Gila, if you want to get in touch with me, we are both on Facebook, on LinkedIn, and as we said you can download our free guides, which will give you lots of great advice of how to proceed so thank you so much for being here, and we will see you next week. And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don’t forget, you can be connected for real.

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