240. When G-d Gives You a Different Plan

Transcript:

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.  And we are live. Welcome, everyone, to the Connected for Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me is Esther Hornstein. Esther, introduce yourself and tell everyone why you are so cool. Thank you, Rebbetzin. I’m Esther Hornstein. I’m an acupuncturist out of Ramat Beit Shemesh, and I do placenta encapsulation, and I love martial arts and cats, so it makes me cool. Very cool. Today, our topic is acceptance in G-d, and it’s a really interesting topic. This is actually an opening. This is the first of four-episode series where we talk about acceptance in G-d, acceptance in marriage, acceptance in business, acceptance in you. We’re really kicking off the month of acceptance here, and I’m very excited to do it with you. Let’s get into like, what does acceptance even mean, or what comes up for you when you think of that word? When I think of it, it comes shlimut, or the idea of oneness in myself, that when I’m asked to accept something, it’s based on the premise that I have everything that I need, and that this current situation provides anything I may want. And so by choosing acceptance, I allow the potential of my current process to grow. In other words, if I’m accepting this situation, that means that my answers are here right now, and I don’t need anything outside of myself in order to grow or to achieve my goal or to feel fulfilled. That’s a really good answer. So now what comes up for me is so how? Because everybody is sitting there being like, “This is not acceptable. This is not what I signed up for. This is not what I wanted. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.” most people in this world are fighting reality, and they’re not happy with whatever is. So it’s fascinating that your answer was, “Oh, I just see it as this is exactly as it needs to be.” if I can pull apart that attitude of, “This isn’t how it’s meant to be. It’s bet- supposed to be better,” from a Chinese medicine point of view, that’s an imbalance from the metal element. The metal in Chinese medicine corresponds to the lungs and the large intestine, and the lungs are said to be the most spiritual organ because they’re the highest in the body and they’re closest to the heavens. And metal wants to be purified. It… “Put me through fire. I wanna be as perfect as possible. I want to be sterling.” somebody who’s refined, you know that they’ve been through it, and they’ve become this wonderful, respected, almost perfect thing. So when we have this attitude of, “Oh, it really could’ve been better. This wasn’t what I signed up for. I really wanted something, better or different, and if only this didn’t happen,” in Chinese medicine we call that grief. That, “I could’ve been sterling. It could’ve been perfect. If not for this little flaw, if not for this thing, I would be happier. I could, reach my full potential.” So in labeling that grief as being sad for a loss- That is an important process in order to get to acceptance. I don’t know all the 12 steps of grief or, but there is that, that looking at that. You’re allowed to say, “This wasn’t what I signed up for. On the surface, this isn’t great.” And it’s okay to stay there for a while, but we shouldn’t be there for the rest of our lives because then the- we’re missing the point of the flaw that, if we’re talking about, acceptance in G-d, that there are things we can change and there’s things that we cannot change. There’s things that can change quickly. There’s things that can change over time. And accepting G-d within that process will make it go smoothly, and there’s that faith within that grief, that, “Yeah, this isn’t what I signed up for and this wasn’t according to my vision. Maybe there’s something else here that I didn’t know about because I accept that G-d knows more than I do and I accept that G-d wrote my user manual that I’m operating according to how I’m meant to operate.” Amazing. So yeah, we always bring everything back to G-d here in this podcast and in anything in my life , so I’m really glad we’re talking about this, and I love how you gave us the breakdown of like, the lungs and metal. And, ’cause I do, I think that a lot of times the answer is in your lungs. When something isn’t the way you want, take a deep breath. Breathe into it. Allow yourself to process it. It’s not, “Okay, this is how it is forever, and this is how I’m going to feel about it forever.” It’s like, “This is something I’m feeling right now, and maybe I could just sit with it and let it cleanse out or, breathe through it.” So- and a lot of times when we have these grief- grieving emotions, it brings us to cry. And for the most part, after a good cry, you feel better. You feel lighter. There was something released in that. Then, yeah, you take that deep breath, and then you’re able to go on to the next phase, which is what can I do with what I’ve got? Let me be creative. Let me be flexible. Let me figure out how to still achieve happiness or to reach my goal even though this big obstacle is in front of me.” Yeah. I love that. Let’s get practical. Let’s give some examples or something that comes up for you that the listeners can resonate with or, or hear. So a big thing that I had to work on in terms of grief was my own health, which is a very touchy subject because I’m a healthcare provider. And we all know that doctors make the worst patients, and one of the reasons why doctors make the worst patients is because of pride, because if I say, “Oh, I’m a healthcare practitioner,” then that should mean my health is the best. I’m never sick. Nothing ever goes wrong with me. My body functions exactly how I want it to function. My body functions exactly how it should function. So with my own health journey, there’s been a lot of tears and acceptance that I’ve had to work through. So I made Aliyah about 12 years ago, and within two months, I had what’s called a pneumothorax, which is, it’s basically a collapse in the lung, which was very surprising for me because usually it’s caused by bad acupuncture. If somebody goes to a dry needling or somebody who did a weekend acupuncture course, they’re going to cause a pneumothorax. So when my doctor sent me to urgent care to get an X-ray because my lung collapsed, where often my chest was hurting, I was flabbergasted to find out that my lung had colla- Uh, especially because nothing ever really went wrong with me. If I wouldn’t feel well, there was nothing that would show up on blood tests, nothing that would show up on scans. This was the first time in my life that you could point to something and say, “Oh, there’s something wrong with you, Esther.” And it was a shock. And it was revealed that I was born with some interesting mutant lungs. There’s cysts throughout my lungs. And at that point, after making aliyah, there was a stressful event, and one of these cysts had popped and allowed air to come into my lungs and, and my lung was collapsed. And so in f- over about a year and a half, there were a few surgeries in order to re-inflate my lung, or my left lung, because it kept collapsing. And concurrently, the diagnosis was something called lymphangioleiomyomatosis, which is a rare disease, thank G-d, and it was actually inactive. Even though my lungs were collapsing, the cysts were not growing, and I don’t need a lung transplant, thank G-d. However, they did notice that hormones could activate the disease, and at the same time, I was dealing with uterine fibroids, which I did not think was related whatsoever. After my second child was born we had taken a break trying for kids because we were living in my parents’ house, getting ready to make aliyah. And I d- I don’t, I d- you know, in Chinese medicine, you really are supposed to wait about two years in between births in order to protect your health. And so for many reasons, I wasn’t running to get pregnant again after I had my second child. And there were uterine fibroids growing, and it was acting as a natural birth control. And after a while the fibroids kept growing, and my quality of life was really impacted. In other words sorry fellas, if you’re watching a ton of bleeding, a ton of pain. And because of my lung diagnosis, I wasn’t going to be treated with hormones because hormone use would endanger my lungs. So after a while, I consulted with a top gynecologist about the situation and he said, “You’re really brave.” Of course, I started crying. Like, when a guy doctor tells you’re so brave, you’re just like He said, “We should take out your uterus. You’re not supposed to have more kids anyway because of the lung disease.” the fibroids were so big, my uterus was the size of a 20-week pregnancy. And so that was pressing on my bladder all the time. I didn’t realize it was also pressing on my bowels. There were a lot of other disruptions in my life because of it. And, I took that information of gonna take out my uterus. I was 30 at the time. It took me a while to think it over and to accept, and then I went back, I said, “Okay, I’m ready.” And my pulmonologist, my lung doctor said, “You better take out the ovaries too,” because the estrogen forming in the ovaries is what making my lungs hard to breathe. Like at the time, I was safe, but I did have shortness of breath a lot of the time. I was on oxygen on and off. And he said, “You’re going in to take out the uterus, take out the ovaries too.” And I checked with my with my spiritual supervisor, Rabbi Gersey. I don’t know if you know Rabbi Gersey. And he said, “Focus on what you’re gaining. Don’t think about what you’re losing.” And that was huge for me. He said, “You’re gaining time with your family that you already have. You’re gaining, from a Jewish point of view I’m going to be going into menopause at age 31. There’s a lot of freedom in that.” And he said, “Think about what you’re gaining.” And it was such good advice, and I went in very happy. I went in excited to release what was impure. Kinda like that lung, large intestine, these are big filters. I had this desire to get rid of what was holding me back, what was making me sick. And while I was in pain with my uterus, I had a lot of negative feelings to my uterus. I even had a dream one time that I cut it out ’cause it was so painful. But then as I was getting close to the surgery, about a day or two before the surgery, I realized maybe my uterus was being the martyr of my body. Instead of the cysts in my lungs growing and ruining my lung tissue and really putting my life in danger, that action of growth and, is going to my uterus, that my uterus is saving me. It’s an extra organ in Chinese medicine. It’s an extraordinary organ in Chinese medicine and when it creates the placenta, it resets our immune system. Like, it is, It is amazing. So I went into the surgery very grateful for my uterus actually, because it was kinda buffering between me, my, my body, and disease. It was sort of taking the disease. And I did. I woke up the next day feeling this is the first day of the rest of my life. That’s when I realized that I had been sitting on my bowels and- I had a normal bowel movement, and I didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me. And so there was that physical vulnerability of being a healthcare practitioner and being ill. I’m not against surgery. I am a natural practitioner, but I do believe in, in integrative health. I believe that the patient is the consumer, and they can choose what modality they want. So I was actually very happy for surgery even though I was a health practitioner. It was f- We were laughing how, I had bone broth cooking in my house before my surgery to prepare for the aftereffects of the sudden menopause. I had my friend who was into essential oils at the time, she was creating for me all these different blends to help me work through menopause, which was very helpful, by the way. And I was also taking Percocet for the pain. It was just like, “Whatever’s gonna work, whatever’s gonna get me through , happily.” And so thankfully went smoothly. And then the rest of the time was managing, my husband and I discussing and processing what it means to live in a community where the norm is to have many children, but to have two children. And we are so grateful for our kids. We’re very blessed. I’m not gonna go into it but God really blessed us with… Our children are just amazing. So I really have no complaints. And when it… And for six years, I actually ran an organization for moms who just had babies. So whenever I needed my baby fix, I really, I had it. And so there’s a lot of, of work that went into the acceptance, but I’m so happy we did it because we really enjoy our life. And I see for me, we were talking before recording about how women’s callings come into it. I see I was really able to work- To help other people once I had the hysterectomy because I was bleeding all the time. I was in pain all the time. I could sustain a schedule where I’m seeing patients on a regular basis. And before I had the surgery, I did something called The Journey. I don’t know if you heard about it, but it was very powerful. I did it with Shoshana Beckerman, and it was initially for the pain, for the uterine pain before I was ready to have a hysterectomy. And y- you s- it’s like a fever dream situation where you go deep into your subconscious, and you try to get answers. And there, I went into my uterus. I found my mother. I found my grandmother. My grandmother also only had two children, and she’s got dozens of great-great-grandchildren now. And, there was also a lot of guilt there. And my mother, who’s alive and well, in this dream said, “You don’t have to give back, just give. You can’t possibly repay me, your mother, for everything you’ve given me. Don’t even try. Just give.” So I feel that the hysterectomy enabled me to give, to fulfill my task here, and that I can help other families, and women, and mothers and do what I’m best at. That’s amazing. So that’s my little acceptance and sad story. Wow. I love what you said about your mom. You can never repay someone for something that they do for you. And really, the best repayment is to pass it forward to continue the goodness, and I love that. I think it’s so accurate and so helpful when trying to accept. Yeah, also because when I think of the word accept, I think of receiving. Like accepting a gift. And if G-d is giving me a gift, is he expecting me to now return it, or is he expecting me to use it and pass it forward and really show up with it, right? So it, it’s like you, you connected the dots for me where you said that because, here it is, something that G-d is giving you, and you’re like “Can I reject this thing?” Not really sure I want it. And then being able to work through it and say, you know, I’m ready to accept it in the best way possible. So not only am I going to let it into my life, but I’m going to make it the best thing that ever happened to me, and I’m going to lean into it, which I hear in your story so strongly and so beautifully. It really touched me when you said like, I went in like grateful for my uterus. I went in being completely okay with what’s happening, and then, being ready for what’s next. And also you were saying the story and there was a couple of things that jumped at me, and one of the things that is, now I’m reminded of is your rabbi saying like focus on the gain and not the loss. Any time there’s going to be some sort of thing you’re thrown into, you’re gonna have to choose, and your brain can only focus on one thing. And I love that. I love that he was able to do that because, as soon as, you know, when I work with women in business and they’re like, “I don’t have enough. I wanna be a millionaire. I just wanna make it already, I’m sick of being poor.” And it’s like, “One second. So what do you want?” “I want a bigger house.” “But do you have a house?” “Yeah.” “Okay. So can you be grateful for the house you already have, right?” “I want more kids.” “One second. Do you have kids? Can you be grateful for the kids you already have?” So like really finding that balance of what am I focusing on, and am I able to appreciate what I have so that when the new thing comes in, I can accept it and continue that energy. I love that. That was really powerful. Thank you. Yeah. As, as A younger person, I did feel like checks and balances were everything. Whatever I got, I had to prove that I was worthy of having it. And if I didn’t feel like I was worthy of having it, I had to downplay how good it was or how nice it was because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. And I think as Jewish women, we have that a lot. There’s this… I don’t know. I know not all your readers are Jewish, but I do think it’s also like a universal feeling of, especially now in, in the liberal world, that it’s not fair for somebody to have something good if somebody else doesn’t have something good. And that’s a completely uh, like absurd idea that is taking the world by storm. It’s like I, I don’t deserve to be happy because there’s somebody across the world who’s not happy. Y- yes, I have this, that, and the other thing and, but I feel bad about it. And enough, enough time that you feel bad about succeeding, and you feel bad about your wealth, and you feel bad about your health, and you feel bad about being happy, then you’re going to create a lower and lower thermometer of how much goodness and happiness and health you can enjoy because you’re busy trying to justify what you have. But I love what you said, that acceptance means, yes, I, I will take this nice thing. As opposed to saying, “Oh, but I’m not worthy of it.” and Rabbi Gurzy gave me another insight about that, that when G-d seemingly gives you something that you don’t think you’re worthy of, and you’re like, “M- no, sorry, I’m really not worth that much. I really don’t deserve it,” it’s ungrateful. It’s, it’s saying no, but I know better. You know what? I really deserve to stay in this lower tier and, don’t boost me.” And we’re, we’ve gotten so comfortable with that with rationalizing what everybody has and, with kids or money or success or love. And it’s it… I really wonder what the real root of it is. For me, it was this checks and balancing with that discussion I had with my mother during that journey session of but I wanna give back. And I need to show that I deserve this good thing. And I need to fervently do, something good with it. And that guilt can eat you up. Like that, again, I have two children. Thank G-d they’re grown. But I remember what it was like having little kids and- once, like I remember the first time they were both like grown out of the house, I didn’t have to take them, they went by themselves, and I’m, I’m home sipping coffee and I just had this desire to feel guilty, to say “But my neighbor downstairs is like struggling with a baby and a toddler, and this and that. And here I am just like sipping my coffee, like that’s not right.” And it was interesting, like it wasn’t like a desire to have more kids, but it was a desire to feel like I deserved the goodness and or to enjoy, the upsides of my situation. And it took me a long time to be okay with enjoying the upsides of the situation. I love that. It probably wasn’t until this past year, till I turned 40, where I gave myself permission to accept w- you know, my position in life. Yeah. I’m thinking, as you’re talking I’m thinking of could you imagine taking your kid to the store and telling them like, “Oh, I wanna buy you something. I don’t know, ice cream or a toy or something.” And they’re like, “No, I haven’t been good enough. I don’t deserve it.” you’re like, “Something’s wrong with you, babe.” You know? Like that doesn’t make any sense. So like as a parent looking at a kid saying that to themselves, you, right away you pick up that something is warped, that something isn’t right. A kid isn’t supposed to come to a parent and say that. “Oh, I don’t deserve it. I haven’t been good enough.” ugh, no. There are k- there are kids like that and they need therapy. It’s not a bad thing, but- But like you see, you know right away What did you say? I said they’re gonna be great givers, but there are children like that. They look at everything. They observe. It’s usually the quiet ones who are observing. Are these parents fighting about money? Is my sibling asking for more than their fair share? And there’s this desire, this need, actually, not to be a burden. I’ve seen kids like that. I agree with you, and what my point was you see right away that it’s not the way that is straight and right, that is not truth. Right away, you pick up on something is warped. Let’s help him. Let’s explain. Let’s whatever. But n- it’s not, that’s not how it should be. And I don’t like using the word should, but right now in this situation, I’m like, “This isn’t normative.” we want to… When a person is a giver, they want the person who is receiving to receive it, and when they don’t receive it, then it creates a rejection. And so you know, we talked about this in receiving in God, which was a while back, but along the same lines of really being able to look at whatever you’re getting and say this must be a gift. This must be, something that I’m meant to do something with,” and not, “Oh, this must be useless. Goodbye, throw it out,” whatever. So fascinating. Yeah. Yeah.   Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one-on-one private coaching is for, and I want to invite you, just you and me, for a free deep dive discovery call. This is a 60-minute free call where I ask you lots of questions, and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations with practical steps. The call is free and so valuable in itself, so go book yours today. Now, back to the show  Let’s talk about women who are having a hard time accepting- the journey, just like life. The husband they got, the kids they got. It’s just like it’s not supposed to be this way. Like we were talking before a little bit about that, like you were saying the metal and the lungs and the energy. Like how can we p- practically help them take that first step out of the fighting reality, that conflict that they’re in? I would say that they should isolate what they’re really good at, what they really like to do, and the essence of themselves. And then m- put as much of that into their day as possible. In other words, if they’re really good at cooking or really good at organizing or really good at listening or… There are so many aspects of life that, you know, there… We want to increase more things that we like to do and decrease the things we don’t like to do. And it, it requires that, that wholeness, that knowing that I have everything, all the tools I need inside myself in order to thrive in my life That once they find what their zone of genius is, what makes them passionate what they’re looking forward to, what makes them happy within the mundane. Doesn’t have to be something bombastic. Like I said, it could be as simple as oh, I enjoy to cook meals, I enjoy to make beds, I enjoy fresh laundry, I enjoy to design, I enjoy to organize, I enjoy driving. That to those little moments of the day and to look forward to them and, everything else is everything else. To be whole within yourself, and I think the biggest challenge is if we’re living with people who are difficult or who are we’ll call them energy vampires, where they suck the energy, then those women have to work even harder to understand themselves and to create boundaries with themselves and to create a safe space within themselves. The… From a Chinese medicine point of view we would call that the work of the organ of the triple warmer or the triple sex function or the triple heater. There, there’s triple in there because the Chinese have divided the organs into three compartments. There’s a upper compartment, a middle compartment, and a lower compartment, and they’ve designated a whole organ system with acupuncture points and everything for just logistical work among those three organ compartments. So for example, when we eat food, I’m not, eating a cooked carrot and like putting it into my hand. I’m putting this cooked carrot into a tube that goes from my mouth all the way to the end, and throughout the travels of the carrot my San Jiao, my triple warmer decides where among the three compartments of organs needs the nutrients from the carrot. And since carrot is healthy for me, I want all the portals of acceptance to be wide open. I want as much cooked carrot to be absorbed in my body as possible, and whatever can’t be absorbed is eliminated as waste but let’s say I’m having a bad day and I’m eating Oreos and Diet Coke. So as I eat the Oreos and Diet Coke, I’m relying on my San Jiao to be like she’s having a bad day. Let’s close up shop. We don’t need to have all that sugar and refined oils and c- you know, the inflammation from the wheat,” ’cause I’m, like, sensitive to wheat. We don’t really want any of those to be absorbed in the body. Let it all be as waste. And in Chinese medicine, all of the organs have a physical and emotional function, which we spoke about. The lungs, that has to do with purifying the oxygen, but also about venting grief or feeling pristine and respected and sterling. So the emotional aspect of the triple warmer is all about, feeling safe. So when I’m in the physical presence of somebody whom I feel safe with energetically, then yeah, I want the exchange. I want to get their energy. I want to laugh at their jokes. I really wanna feel what they’re talking about and I’m taking into my energetic field what they’re all about. And if they feel the same, then there’s this nice exchange. But what happens when I’m in the physical presence of somebody who I don’t feel safe with? Then there is … my San Jiao should be able to kinda close up the moats. Kinda keep my castle clear. I’m physically in their presence, and they see me and I hear them, but the energetic shields are up, so to speak, so that my wholeness is intact, so that they’re not drawing out my energy or depositing their negative energy into my space. And so when … If women are dealing with challenging people on a d- day basis, whatever they can do to strengthen that San Jiao function to say … To know, to be able to quickly say, “Okay, I’m in the room with them. Shields up.” It could be, like, a very … Just take a moment to make that kind of visual of, “I’m safe within myself. I take a deep breath. I’m okay. I’m happy. I am not, I’m not in danger. But I’m not accepting their energy. I’m allowing myself to feel good with who I am with me.” If they’re having a tantrum, if they’re behaving in a way that would upset me or if they’re trying to trigger me that’s the next town over. It has nothing to do with my castle, my moat. The drawbridge is up. That’s them. So that’s my bit of advice. Yeah. I think we definitely- Find out what you love to do, and do it as much as you can within your mundane life. And secondly build yourself up from the inside so that you’re not drained by any difficult people who may be in your life on a day-to-day basis. Yeah. I love that we brought this up, because a lot of people feel very reactive to this other person in their life, right? And we’re gonna call him husband for now, because my specialty is marriage. Great. And I think that, it’s one of the biggest things that I deal with, is women who are feeling their, like their husband is overpowering, overwhelming, controlling, negative, critical, blaming. Like, all the things, right? And so what’s happening is that instead of being in acceptance that this is who he is and not who I am, right? There’s a big difference here. When you are reactive, when you let it in, when you feel terrible every time there’s criticism and questions, and why is this here, and why did you do this way, and why are you working too hard, and why are you not making enough money, and, like, all the things. It doesn’t matter if it’s about your business or about your life or about the way that you’re functioning. Or maybe he makes you feel bad about how you time management. It doesn’t matter. Manage your time. Every single time you feel bad, it’s because you don’t see the separation between you and him. And I love that you said that. His energy is bleeding into your cup. It’s, And really the answer isn’t get rid of him, because somebody else is going to come and invade your energy also because you haven’t learnt the actual thing you’re meant to learn. The answer is accept that this is who he is and how he functions. And he has many reasons of why he functions this way. He thinks this is how things are meant to be. He thinks this is how you react or how you act. That’s for him to deal with. But as soon as you accept the fact that this is who he is and stop trying to change him and stop trying to make him different, then you will have the peace of mind to then focus on yourself and say, “What do I need to do in order to fill myself up with the energy I need to take care of myself, to put the boundaries around myself?” And not boundaries that stop him or, get in the way. I don’t want people to think that we’re putting up a wall and that we’re not interacting and that we’re not sharing information and that we’re not letting him into our lives, ’cause that’s not true either. He’s your husband. You chose him. He is there for you, and a lot of the times when you will fill yourself up and become whole, then the balance will come back and he will react to your wholeness and start to work on himself and become whole too. So there’s, that’s the type of work that I do with my women, is how can we fill you up and make you feel as amazing as possible so that when you come and interact, his reaction doesn’t move you because it’s separate from you. Just in terms of observing people, especially women who speak about their husbands and things that frustrate them and irk them about their husbands, and these women are like we’ve been married 50 years. Why doesn’t he know I have to be spoken to this way?” You could say the same thing about, you’ve been married to him for 50 years. Why haven’t you figured out he doesn’t understand nonverbal communication? And acceptance of that peace will help to drive more peace. Or a lot of times a woman will say that there’s a lifestyle habit that their husband has that puts them in a bad mood or makes them irritable or makes them say things that are not nice. And so when you know that they have, that the husband has done something to themselves to make them in a non-ideal state, you, okay, you’re allowed to have your shields up because you know that they’re dealing with something right now. They’ve got a headache. They’re feeling disgusting. They, they’re, paying for whatever they did and taking it out on you. That has nothing to do with you ’cause I bet you told them not to do it, and it has nothing to do with you. And so that’s the, when we do the shields up thing, and then when you know that they’re feeling healthy and happy and they’re also in a positive mood, yeah, definitely exchange energy But just like when the wife is in a pissy mood and she’s, low blood sugar or, on a ram- like when I’m on a rampage, I am really hoping everybody’s figuring it out. Shields up. Please don’t take to heart what I’m about to say because all the signs are there that I’m having a hard time. So if somebody around me is having a hard time and I’m not having a hard time, I make that distinction clear. I’m okay. They’re not okay. I feel bad for them, but I don’t also have to have a hard time if they’re having a hard time. I love that. I love that. There was a book, How to Talk to Kids So They Listen and Listen So They Talk, and one of the examples that they gave there was this mother who was just like organizing a birthday party, and she was stressed out. And so she put a huge sign on her chest, pinned it up, and it had an explo- like a little, a bomb-looking thing. Like a picture of a bomb. And she was running around the house like she was a ticking bomb, and she made it very clear that this is what’s happening inside of her, and everybody should be careful. Now the guy who came to deliver the pizzas, knocked on the door, and she opened up the door. Totally forgot that she had this bomb on her, right? And she opened up the door, and he saw her, and he was like, “Let me put these on the table for you.” so like he was so able to disconnect from her experience- … but then also assist and be as helpful as possible without, touching any like destructive button. But there was something so powerful about being able to communicate how you feel so that other people know this is where you’re at. And also, like you said, the other way, when we are able to accept that this is how they’re feeling right now, right? Accept doesn’t mean you make it okay. You don’t, nobody’s asking you to approve it. Accept is very different from approve. And that’s really important to remember. Really important. Because when somebody is acting in a way that’s not acceptable, you’re actually supposed to accept this is exactly where they’re at. And no, that doesn’t mean I approve of it, but it means I now know where we’re all standing. I now know what I need to do in order to be around you. I now know what you need in order for me to help you, and not get sucked into or be spilled into, like you were saying, that energy vampire or, the sharing of negativity. It’s I accept that now you’re having a hard time, and I’m able to be okay with that right now because I’m safe. I love that you said that. Remind yourself, “I’m safe.” When you said somebody is married for 50 years, and they’re like, “I don’t know why it’s still this way,” it’s so beautiful because I love working with women who’ve been married forever, right? Because they are finally ready to do something about it. There is this like, you know, sort of like a curve where at first you think “Ugh, I’m gonna change him.” Then you get to this “I just gotta accept this is who he is and there’s nothing to change.” But then there is this next level of, “I think there’s something I can do that does not involve changing him- that will still make me a better experience within my marriage.” And those are the people who come to me, and I love it because then they are able to do something that is completely impossible, which is change the situation from the inside, and he reactively changes. And that is the, that’s the mind-blowing experience. Phew. Definitely. Definitely. And there’s two things going on there that the women who complain forever about their husband they’re missing the good things about him because they’re so stuck on, I sh- you know, I should’ve married that other guy, or, so and so’s husband doesn’t behave this way, et cetera. But, it’s also very self-defeating or giving her limit of how good she can feel when sh- she’s blind to the good things. And we can learn something good from everybody. And and let’s say she just harped on the good things and for a week didn’t bicker or start a fight and only pointed out the good things. Okay, he may or may not change, but she will change. And, she, she will feel better, and she may, lovingly look at him and be like, “Oh, wow, he’s wonderful.” Those thoughts would never have popped into her brain if she didn’t have that acceptance of I’m accepting this whole person. I don’t like X, Y, and Z, but wow, A, B, and C is amazing. I love also in your personal experience how you said the rabbi said focus on the gain and not the loss, and that’s exactly what you’re saying now too is can you stop focusing on what’s wrong and what’s annoying and what’s, not supposed to be, and start focusing on what is good. I have to give you an example. Maybe it has nothing to do with this, but it totally does. For a couple of days straight, my seven-year-old was very whiny. Very whiny. Every single moment of the day, she was complaining about something, she was whining about something, she was giving a whole speech about how blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, this hurts and that hurts, and you shouldn’t have cut my hair, and you did it wrong, and I’m supposed to this, and I don’t wanna go to school. Every reason in the book to whine about anything. And, ugh, it was getting to me. It was really hard. And I… Thank G-d this was perfect timing for me. I went on a full day of I’m gonna do all the things that make me happy. Okay? So it was it was Lag BaOmer, right before Lag BaOmer. It’s the first yahrzeit of my sister-in-law, so I felt like I needed healing, that this is finally closure. We’re putting a line on the sand. I’m not letting the grief continue to take over my life forever. This is, it was okay for the year, it is sorta done. But I wanted to do things that I was intentional about, of how can I, create that closure. So I went off to the Temple Mount, and I got to pray, and it was amazing. I was like yes, this was exactly what I needed.” I was so happy I did it. And then I went to very good friends where I was living by them when bef- when I was dating. Really a long time ago. 22 years ago or something. And I got to hang out with them. They’re so cute ’cause they obviously got older, and they’re like in their 70s, and they eat healthy now. And, there was like, the house was all quiet ’cause there was no kids. They have 10 kids. No kids in the house anymore, so everything changed so much in the last 22 years. And I got to really sit with her, and I went through all the kids. She was asking me about each one, and when we got to this one, I said, “I just don’t know what to tell you ’cause right now, all I can think about is that she’s whiny.” “And I don’t want to describe her as that to you because I know there’s something amazing about her. I just can’t see it.” And the beautiful thing was that as soon as I said that, it made my brain start to look for what is good about her. What can I focus on? ‘Cause I could not, I couldn’t, I didn’t want to focus on the negative anymore. Anyway, it was so fun. We, I ended up eating lunch with them, and then going home and taking a nap. I did all the things that really filled me up. And when I woke up from my nap and we went to the park and we did all these things it was, I finally was back to my, mom hat self. The next day, she did not whine a single time. a single time. She was the most pleasant person in the world. And I said to myself, “Oh, like, all I needed to do was just bring awareness that this is not who she is her- in her entirety.” And I think that’s also part of acceptance. Accepting that your husband is going to have his annoying pieces, but also accepting that this is not the whole person of him. This is not all he has. He is not made of all negativity, and all black, and all slime, and all icky. He has amazing things that you chose, that that are hiding behind all that, that if you just accept the fact that there is good in there, it will start to show itself. It’s not even that you have to look for it. It’s just the awareness and the acceptance that he is human. And what you said before about, if let’s say a woman were to end her marriage, she would choose somebody else, and those same patterns would be there. I had a friend tell me at, she was at a chevrah, and she had been remarried. And throughout the… It’s a very, very deep spiritual a group of people who are interested in self-improvement. That’s what a chevrah is. And in the course of exploring these aspects of self-improvement, she said, “I’m having the same problems with my second husband like I had with my first. Like, how is that possible?” And Rabbi Gurzy, who was leading the group, he said, “Because you’re the same person. You’re going to be looking at X, Y, Z negatively, but at the same time, you’re attracted to the same type of person. You’ve gotta change. A different guy isn’t going to do it.” And that leads back to his teachings. Sorry, this is a Rabbi Gurzy love-fest of exploring the wholeness within you. In exploring yourself, and loving yourself, and knowing that G-d gave you everything you need to do in order to accomplish what your mission is in life. And to go in deeper, and to explore, and to enjoy it, and enjoy being you, and enjoy understanding yourself, and knowing that the answers are within there. And the external things that happen, and the external people in your life, they can or cannot a- affect that state of wholeness, and that’s up to you. That’s amazing. Yeah, I tell women who are dating that if you keep bumping your head into the same issue “All the men I went out with are all the same,” and, “Over and over again, I keep having this one issue,” it means you didn’t learn something. If something keeps coming up, it means you have not stopped, and listened, and actually taken it in. And it just keeps showing up so that- Now we’re not like blaming the victim sort of thing, that it’s not all the woman’s fault. It really isn’t. Like you said, everybody’s human and everybody has something to improve. So it’s like there’s a fine line. Yeah, I don’t know I don’t, I’m not blaming the victim because, that’s a different sort of organ in Chinese medicine. That what? But- Say that again. I didn’t hear you … Where the person, like if let’s say you were to say this keeps happening to you because you haven’t done something, or you haven’t understood the message. It’s, It’s a fine line between, blaming the victim and looking for self-improvement. And, there’s some people you can’t say that or some people I’ve met that if you were to even insinuate that the problems you’re experiencing are because of themselves that’s a fire. Like how dare you hold me responsible for my experiences and my relationships? That, you’re blaming me, but he did this. So how do you get past that sort of block in people who maybe, maybe who aren’t so aligned yet with your process and are still in that mode of, I’m coming for help because he keeps doing this thing”? So my main go-to story is about walking into the house and looking at the mirror and realizing that there’s a stain on your shirt. And so what do you do? You take a napkin or whatever it is, and you start cleaning the mirror, right? Because it’s showing you that there’s a stain, and it’s not coming off. So you get, the bleach and you get the scrubber and you get whatever and like, you’re cleaning the mirror and nothing is working. And that’s because you know that in the physical world it would not make sense to clean the st- spot on your shirt on the mirror. It would only work when you take it off of yourself. So understanding that as long as you’re trying to change someone else, you are not going to be happy. So women who are in victim If their, if they, if their reaction is, “Are you blaming me? Are you telling me I have to change something?” I’m like, “I’m not telling you have to do anything. But I am suggesting that if you’d like to change anything, the thing to focus on is yourself.” And it’s not that you’re the reason why this is happening to you. No. It’s that God created you with the inability to see the stain on your own shirt. It is just the way life is created. … You will never be able to see something on you without the help of the other people. Without the help of the mirrors in your life. And so other people in your life are going to mirror to you things that you may like and things that you may not like, right? Also, it works both ways. When you see all these amazing people and they’re doing such great work and you’re so like, “Wow I wish I was like them,” take a minute and realize that you are seeing that in them because you have it too. And appreciate that you’re even able to see that because if you didn’t have it, you wouldn’t recognize it in other people. So same thing. If somebody is getting in my face… By the way, like husbands, they’re the mirrors that show you every pore and every wrinkle. They’re very annoying ’cause they get in your face. But that’s how God created your husband, to be very close and in your face. And your mother, to be slightly less close, but also still annoying. And, the person in the store, that just a regular mirror. And the guy who’s driving, just a regular mirror. So you have all these mirrors around and all these people, and if you start judging them like, “Oh, he has no patience. Why is he driving like this?” Or, “Oh, I can’t believe she said that. She’s so selfish,” blah, blah, catch yourself. Am I looking and seeing things that I’m seeing because I may have some of that? And if I do, then how can I help myself feel better in the situation? That’s all. If you want something to change, focus on yourself, ’cause it’s actually going to work. Focus on him and nothing’s gonna work. Continue cleaning the mirror forever. I don’t care what cleaners you use. I don’t care what scrubbers you use. I don’t care if you even break the mirror and bring a new one in the house. The stain is still gonna be there. So I like that you said there’s a danger in somebody thinking that maybe it’s like I’m blaming the victim. I’m not blaming you. I am only explaining how life works. It’s a wonderful analogy the stain showing up on the mirror. Really genius. Thank you. You’re welcome. Thank you for asking, ’cause that actually felt really good to like, be pushed a little. Like, Hey, I think… I’m happy about that. Look, I meet a lot of people. I’m not a counselor, I’m just sticking needles in people. But, my job is to help them find balance. So sometimes, if I see a patient banging their head into the wall and they are having a hard time accepting that that the issue is them, it’s hard to find a way to express that without, shutting them down or making them feel blamed for things that they don’t think they, they deserve blame for. So thank you. We’re not… I don’t believe in blame. I don’t like blaming. I also, when people are trying to sell- But a lot of pe- a lot of people do operate in that sense. I think, to continue that analogy about the mirrors, there are people who avoid mirrors at all cost. They’ll avoid social situations or they’ll not want to be with people because, they’re afraid to be held up to the light and they’re afraid to see their own. And, or it’s a maturity issue, whatever. Obviously I’m thinking of somebody specific. I’ll tell you something. There’s… In business, there’s two ways to sell something, and they tell you this, right? This is how they teach, and there’s a big movement towards if you touch the pain and enlarge the pain and push at the pain, then it’s going to motivate people to not want it anymore and to be ready to go forward. But there’s also the other school of thought, which is why don’t we just show them what’s possible? Why don’t we help them, and enlarge- what is available, and then they’ll mo- be motivated by the possibility of having that too. So I don’t believe in blaming people. I don’t believe in blaming yourself. I don’t believe in beating yourself up and saying, “If I just did it better, if I just figured it out, if it was…” because that’s also, it’s like, what is it all in your hands? God is nowhere in the picture anymore. So I want you to remember always bring God in and realize if God is putting me in this situation, it’s not because he wants me to sit around and blame myself that I didn’t do something right. It’s that he’s giving me a possibility. He’s gifting me an opportunity to go into something that I may not have known was available to me. And a lot of times when these challenges are, like, you were in pain in your physical reality. You were in pain, you were bleeding, you weren’t in your, at your best, and they’re telling you, you can be in a different situation. If you were now to tell your pra- past self, “Yo, listen life is good. You could be so happy and healthy and and, any of the other stuff won’t matter anymore because it’s just so good here,” then you wouldn’t have such a hard time making the decision, right? So I really, I don’t like the school of thought of blaming and making them feel bad. No. It’s like, when you’re ready… And I love this. This is my favorite line. When you’re ready, you know what to do, and you don’t have to be ready right now. And that’s also a big part of acceptance, wanting something and seeing yourself there, but also saying, “It may not be there right now.” Exactly. Wow, I love this conversation. Thank you. Oh, I just wanna hug you through the screen. Amazing. How can people find you and work with you and give you money? Oh, thanks. Secondnaturehealing.com. That’s the website. I don’t work by myself. I’m a part of a… Right now we’re 11 practitioners at Second Nature Healing Center in Ramat Beit Shemesh, and we’re a wonderfully talented group of acupuncturists, massage therapists reflexologists. We have a shiatsu practitioner, Tui Na practitioners and men and women who treat men and women. So we’re really like a family holistic health center at secondnaturehealing.com. Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. That’s amazing. Thank you for coming, and thank you for listening. You guys know that if you ever have any questions or you wanna push back, all you have to do is send an email or reply in the comments, and we will definitely address it and get back to you. Thank you for listening. And don’t forget to be connected for real.  And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.