225. Is Stress Quietly Blocking Your Growth?

Transcript:

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I’m Robinson Batan Grossman, and today with me is Marla. We’re talking about stress and business and ooh, this is a great topic. So first we’ll start with Marla. Introduce yourself. Thank you. My name is Marla Re I am a bunch of things.

I’m a mother, I’m a wife, I’m a friend, but I’m also a fitness instructor, yoga instructor, meditation guide. I am a vegan chef and I am a Jewish. Nonprofit professional that has spent 20 years specializing in marketing and communications and supporting women on their journey towards wellness.

Everything from having been a doula to a lactation consultant to fitness, nutrition, intuitive eating and beyond. Whoa. That was so cool. I’m like, wait, could we slow down and talk about each and everything you did? Because that’s like a lot of lifetimes. You know, when you the old line, you know, you want something to get done, you ask a busy woman.

So the best way to be busy is to learn new skills so that you can grow yourself and hopefully help others do just the same. I love it. So that’s my motivation. Yes. Okay, cool. So let’s talk about stress. What comes up for you when you talk about stress and business? And what do you have to talk about, like get into it.

I think, you know, I think stress is a dominating reality for many Jewish women today, and not only with the global landscape and politics and you know, the pressures we’re feeling all around, but also in our homes and needing to get a lot done in a short period of time. I think another layer to that within the context of business is feeling stressed about where we’re gonna get parnassa, how we’re gonna, you know, safely and emotionally and financially take care of our families while juggling so much and being there for the people in our lives.

So I think stress is dominating. I think the way people manage their stress is consuming and I think sometimes we don’t even know it’s stress. And I think a business mindset is, is a big one because. We don’t always know what to do to be our best business selves because we wanna pour our best versions of ourselves into the business we do, and that’s really hard to figure out and actualize.

So it’s a big topic that we could probably go a hundred different directions on, and I know it hits me hard, so I’m excited to hear where we go. Yeah. Wow. When I think of stress in general, what comes up for me is that. I don’t know where I learned it once, but whatever scientists found that stress is

really dependent on what you believe about stress. Yes. So if you believe stress is good for you and it pushes you to do things and it’s like really a great motivator, like you get excited and you actually take action. If you believe stress is killing you, it actually will kill you. So it’s proven.

Yeah. And it’s the same exact stress. I think that for me. Turned on something to really start looking at my life and how I am seeing stress and what do I believe about stress, right? I think everything, I mean, this is the perspective that thank God we’re blessed with, you know, and I think it manifests in our relationship with our KDS bar too.

Like if we can see God in everything, the good, the bad, and means different then like. That’s the best relationship to have with Hashem. Hashem’s not only there when the good stuff happens, Hashem’s there to make us stretch when the bad stuff happens too, and everything in between. So too with stress, you know, I look at my husband and how he manages stress, just kind of like Teflon.

Like it rolls off and he just keeps on, keep it on. And with me, stress can be an incredible motivator, like you said, but sometimes if I don’t. Perceive it properly. If I’m, you know, halt, like hungry, angry, lonely, tired. If I’m not in a good place, stress can be that killer. And it is a silent killer in the global population, in this, these fast-paced cultures where we have to do, do, do.

And if it’s not seen as a motivator, it can hurt us more than help us. Yeah. When you said do, do, do, it really brought the point across for me because of like the doer and the beer, you know, like Yeah. Business in general is one of those things that measures you as a person by how much you get done. You know, what, what have you accomplished?

What are you doing every day? Yes. How do you spend your time? Squeezes everything out of you because you feel like you need to perform all the time. It’s true. And you know, it’s so funny because I think about that specific, like deliverables a lot. You know, in my community, whenever people see me, they say.

So where are you? What, where are you working now? Or what are you doing now? And it’s said with like an edge and it’s not misreading. Like it’s always almost with this intonation like judgment. Like I’m like this chaotic person who’s very free spirited and I’m jumping around and it’s a symbol of instability.

And a lot of times like to me, different things and different doings, like different accomplishments of all variety is just another check mark in my journey towards experiencing life. And I think that’s where perspective too, and it shouldn’t be measured on whether you stay someone really long or you have these high level degrees, or you’ve worked somewhere and climbed up the ladder.

Like why can’t it be that our business is learning more about ourselves and being okay with it? Mm. Like, I don’t know. I think that’s, that’s it. Yeah. You know, today I went to a new friend I was in a playback workshop and it was very therapeutic. It was so, so helpful in getting over a lot of the really hard things that happened this year.

And at the end of it. We were all in a circle and everybody said what they’re wishing for and there was sort of like throwing it into the circle for everyone to hold for them. And it was a very special moment because we went through all of these weeks together, you know, sort of like getting to know each other and getting to know like the deepest parts and you know, being there for each other, mirroring and doing all these playback things.

It was really. These, these are the things I live for. Okay? Like, this is a real scary, I hear that. I loved it, and I, I think so highly of the person who ran it because she did such a good job creating this unity between all of us who just showed up with absolutely no connection to each other. And some people were really uncomfortable opening up and she created a really safe space.

And the way that she managed everybody, it was just amazing. So I’ve think very highly of her. And at the end of it, like we were being so vulnerable and. So open and, and everybody was just throwing things in that she herself decided to throw in like, I want my business to grow. And I was like, yes, everybody see, I’m into that.

I was like so excited about her and what she’s doing in this world. Just sort of like explode and go further. Yes. She found that reaction that I had so empowering that she invited me over to come and, you know, chat. So today I went over for tea and that was really fun. Yeah. And she started asking me, how did you get there?

And what did you do? And she’s going, you know, solo now. So she wants to really learn the ropes. And one of the things that really left her almost like, whoa. And I didn’t think any, anything of it. Like I said it as if it was like no big deal. But you know how that happens. Like, we don’t appreciate ourselves until somebody else mirrors back up until someone sees it.

Yeah. Yeah. So, so that, you know, her superpower, of course. So I said to her, oh, oh. She asked me if I ever learned coaching, you know, where did you learn coaching? What did you do? And I said, actually I didn’t. I don’t know. It was just, it’s directly from Hashem. It’s these skills I have. It’s an intuition.

I, you know, I just, I do it. I started doing it. I saw it works. I kept going, wow. And like. I was a trained graphic designer. I completely switched over my entire life about eight years ago because of this calling. That was like, okay, you’ve got this. Go on, move on, move along, move along. And Asem was with me the whole time.

Thank you God. Love, love that. And she said like, so what do you do? How do you do it? I said, you know, somebody once told me to go get training so that people take me seriously. And I said, I don’t really wanna do that. ’cause then I’ll have to do their process. Like they’re gonna teach me a system I’m gonna have to use and it’s gonna be under their name and I’m gonna have to whatever.

But like, that’s not how I work. I work completely different. I work following intuition. I’m completely an open vessel. I hear, I receive, I guide. I listen to someone giving me like her life story and I’m like, okay, this, this little thing. That’s what we need to adjust. That’s it. Everything else will fall into place.

And it always does. It’s so powerful. It’s so, so amazing. Awesome. Incredible. And she says, how did you get to that? And I said, I realized that everything throughout my life that I thought was messed up. Like I’m all over the place and I feel all these things that nobody understands and I’m super sensitive and you know, all the things I thought were negative about me.

I finally stopped thinking they were bad and started taking them as a superpower. And then when I, once I took them seriously and started listening to them and really leaning into them, everything just fell into place because, oh, it’s actually telling me something. You know? I love that. And it’s really Yad Hashem.

Yeah. Yeah. So that in English, just say it in English for people translate. Oh. Like the hands of God. Like I think, you know, there’s this concept in Judaism of, right, and I think that, and that basically translates to like serendipity. Like there’s no accidental occurrences in this world that really, there’s a hand of God, there’s a spiritual gift that’s being given to us on a regular basis.

You know, it’s so interesting. I hear you talking. And I feel so excited by your words. Right? And so relatable and like you’re speaking my language and like, I’ve been desperately searching. I think so many women, whether it’s business or family or whatever, and this really pulls into stress, thinks that they need to stuff themselves into boxes, right?

And that they need to be a certain something and they punish themselves. And that’s part of the stress for not being something. And even in the, like in, in your commitment to becoming a coach, like what a, what a gift that you paused and said. I don’t want to be some other kind of coach, like I’m my kind of coach.

And there’s a whole realm of, you know, I guess you call them clients or members of the world, that you’re going to support women where they need your message. They don’t want you stuffed into the message of another provider, and that’s. That’s so beautiful and I think where we find that liberation and that stress relief in identifying our business and our professional journeys that matter.

I’m actually like very much in the throes of this. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me more about that. I tell you a crazy story. Yeah. So last week probably one of the worst things professionally ever happened to me. I am 47. I’ve been working since I’m 16. I was raised by a single mom, so I started working the minute I got working papers and I always worked, worked, worked to like hustle hard, you know, have that work ethic where like I’ll stay up till two in the morning to get the job done.

You know, like always wanna provide for my family. And it’s so interesting ’cause the craziest thing happened to me this past week. Professionally, like an organization to remain nameless and the details are irrelevant. Did probably one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced from a Jew and from a human being and from an experience.

And I felt sad for a moment and I felt stressed for about two moments. But then the third thought was.

It. It’s like the crazy. Yeah. Thank you God. Thank you, God for this moment. Because if something stream didn’t happen, I probably would’ve done this for a while and it’s not me. Right. And I really believe that like. That’s the portal to stress relief. Now there’s other layers to it and there’s a journey that I think each and every one of us goes through, whether it’s a big moment or a series of small moments.

But I think that at that moment I discovered, Hey, I think I get this now. I get what it means to be, I. Freeing myself of stress, even if like my whole body was like on like, you know, reaction mode, you know, like, like my nervous system was like, oh my gosh, I’m spiraling. But then I really thought okay, maybe I’m starting to master this because this wasn’t meant to be, and something big had to happen in order for me to really start moving into my ideal career, which I’m still fine tuning, but it’s.

It’s an interesting point that isn’t it amazing that you are thinking I am on my way to the ideal career while you’re living the ideal career? Because for you, the ideal career is the ability and the freedom to just learn and do and then learn more and do, and. It’s what we do all the time to ourselves where it’s like, I’m not supposed to be here.

I’m supposed to be there and therefore I have a journey and I’m gonna have to squish myself into all these things in order to get there, and can I just be here and realize that this is exactly where I need to be right now? Totally. You called it like, I hope more women. Find that for themselves. I don’t wish them to go through the struggle to get there.

Right. But you know, there’s this peak performance moment in the space of a fitness class. And I’ve been teaching fitness since I was 18. So you do the math like very, very long time of my life. And there’s these moments when you reach these peak performance where you are like, wow, I, I didn’t know I was that strong.

I didn’t know I could like move that fast. I didn’t know I could do 10 burpees. I didn’t know that I could stay in a plank for an hour. And it sounds so simplistic, but then when you discover like, oh my gosh, I’m stronger than I thought I was, I could do more than I thought. It’s like gives you license to keep going.

And I think those are the little gifts from God and from our abilities that help us reach the sky is the limit, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It sounds so cliche, but it’s real, you know? Yeah. I think what, what we’re talking about is permission to be where you are because the stress is born from this imagined.

Ideal place, right? It’s like, I’m not where I’m supposed to be and therefore there’s something I’m missing. There’s something I’m not doing. Something is wrong. And then we have to look for it and we have to create it, and then we have to work for it and whatever. And it’s like, how about you look for what is right under your nose?

Exactly. There’s a language that I always used when I work with my different clients, where it’s called the s right? We’ve heard this before. It’s like we create the sense of like where we’re supposed to be measured by, whether it’s our community or social media, or insert all the, you know. Visions that we model around others, and it’s like, I’m going to add the marriage.

A lot of people find this when they get married and the husband is measuring them up to their mother, to his mother, because that’s just who he knows. Yes. It’s like my mother was able to get supper on the table, or my mother had everything clean. My mother got us all in bed on time. My mother did this so easily and smoothly.

Little does he know that she was probably falling apart, but like Right. He’s measuring his wife according to a completely like non-existent measurement and she feels so judged. Yes. And so. It’s probably one of the worst things women come to me. This is one of the biggest problems is my husband is the problem usually.

And you know, but I, I think like everything is chinuch, which is, you know, like education spiritual education if you will, like, and I think that that actually spills over from just our children if you know. Whether if to your relationships with your partners, you know, your, your spouse and even in your friendships, you know, like what we teach other people we can do is also on us.

Clearly articulating our boundaries, I think is a sure thing in preventing that stress. It’s like, this is what I’m capable of doing. And using the beauty of enthusiasm, like always people say like, oh, you’re so chipper, you’re so energetic. It’s like, where is that coming from? Where do you get the energy?

I’m like, because we, I’m trying to be real with myself. Like I’m really excited that I was able to put dinner on the table while I am working a 40 hour work week. You know? And I. If I can’t, the next day I am going to send a message to my family like, tomorrow. Dinner’s not happening. Either you’re on your own, which sounds kind of heartless.

I don’t necessarily frame it that way, but everything, and maybe it’s like, you know, hey, here’s something. Let’s reframe that like today is open the fridge and find whatever you want day. Or like make it a food challenge, make it a like, you know, who’s gonna create the best main dish? Who’s gonna create the best side dish?

Like we can color outside the lines and think outside the box when it comes to serving the people in our lives, in pursuit of serving ourselves. And I think that’s another vehicle towards stress relief. We don’t realize it’s the small steps that I’m such a cliche person say, but it’s the small steps that lead to the big strides.

You know, like no one just jumps out and runs a marathon. They start with the couch to 5K. So it’s like the baby steps of discovering how you can manage other people’s expectations so the pressure doesn’t fall on you, so you don’t have that stress and it impacts your business, your marriage, and all the other things.

Right, right. I think, I hope. I hope so too. Listen, stress is, it’s such a big word, you know, means so much it, yeah. Every person can take stress to a completely different place. You know what I would love to talk about and just because I’d love your opinion, and I think people out there might need to kind of feel and understand within themselves.

Is how people, people use this big word stress. Like, I am stressed. I feel stressed. This is a stressful day. Which I always, instead of saying it was a stressful day, I say This is a character building day. Right? Like it’s reframing nice. But. I think people do things with stress that they don’t even realize they do.

That is so damaging and the only way to change it is to recognize what it is. So some people are stress eaters. Some people when they’re stressed, they go inward and get very self-deprecating and very internally hateful. And it really affects their psyche. You know, I think people with stress sometimes, you know they say things they don’t mean to the people that are closest to ’em because they feel safest and that they won’t leave them.

And I think stress becomes something that can derail our entire success, but we don’t know it’s stress. Even if we go to therapy and even if we’re self-aware, it’s just something that is probably built in from when we’re young. Interesting. So how do you. I like to get really practical. People are sitting there going, okay, great.

So what if I have that stress? What do I do? You know, what’s my to do? What do I do? Like what’s my to do? Like what’s the prescription lady? Exactly. I’m sitting there going, I wonder if you have examples that can really illustrate what you’re talking about, and then also tell us what to do about it. So we’re all not sitting there going, man, I don’t know what to do.

Right. So couple things. Now I’m stressed type of thing. You know, like now what do I like? I’m stressed by the concept of why I get stressed and where do I go with it. Exactly. And those, by the way, are like meta emotions, which I really love talking about because Me too, when you’re sad that you’re sad or you’re angry, that you’re angry, you’re judging yourself for having an emotion, it ends up causing so much more pain than if you just were whatever you are.

You know? Right. Yeah. It’s true and it’s true. If you listen back to my brother’s episode, I have an episode with my brother Chananel Gez. Did you hear it? I didn’t, but I, it’s on my list because Yeah. Oh, it’s so, he was so good. That was the best episode, I think, in my entire podcast history. Wow. So if you go back, just go back.

It’s, first of all, because we’re siblings, so it was a very open conversation, very loving. And he’s so honest and so himself, like it was such an authentic, beautiful conversation. And one of the things that he said there that, that I made him say, because I just needed him to repeat it. It was the first time I heard it was not from him, was from my mother, and I wanted to hear it from him.

So it was so powerful. People were telling my brother. Lost his wife and baby just for you guys who aren’t, you know, up to date. And people were telling him, which is like the place God will bring you. How do you say ham? I can’t think of the word Comfort. Yeah, so he is, he is, you know, he couldn’t sleep one night and he was just thinking about it and thinking about it until he realized what is hamakom?

What is the place? You know, obviously it’s God, it’s another name for God, but why do we use that name and not anything else? And he said, oh, it’s the place where I am right now. If I’m sad, then I am sad and I’m allowed to be sad, and that’s what’s going to bring me comfort. And if I’m happy, then I’ll be happy.

I’m not gonna judge it like, oh, I’m not supposed to be happy. I’m supposed to be sad now. Or like, what are people gonna think if I’m too happy or whatever? Like nothing. Just be who you are. Be where you are. Exactly in that place, that’s where you’re gonna find comfort because the, the stress comes from that judgment of where I am and, you know, and we’re talking about business.

So it’s where I am in business. I don’t have enough clients. I’m not, you know, far enough along. I’m not making 10, you know, 10 figures. I am, you know, whatever. Like all the things we have in our to-do list of like, you know, this is what means to be successful, and if I’m not there, I’m still not there and I have to beat myself up.

All that judgment is. Very, very stressful. And that stress isn’t helping you get there. It’s just making you slow down. Exactly. And the real comfort is just gonna be where I’m like, oh, this is where I am. Why is this the best place to be? Yeah. And I had a coach. I had a coach who made us write at the beginning of every session, right, three things that are evidence that you are exactly where you need to be and you’re on the right track.

Love. I love and I loved it. I loved it. I love that. And everybody listening should just sit down and do that right now because if you could find evidence to why you’re on the right track, then you’re on the right track. I love that. And you know, I think so too, and that’s a very powerful reference and sounds like is the answer to this question.

But I think, I think that example is real enough to say. Just naming your emotion even before you write the three things that are evidence. Just naming that emotion and letting it sit there and be there and not go anywhere else, but just be that emotion is a pause button. You know, we hear all these like hot button words, you know, pause button, pause practice, like when it comes to this.

Practice of mindfulness, which is the most Jewish practice ever. Like I love that it’s trending now, but we’ve been doing it for like a good long while, right? Like 5,000 plus years. It’s like, you know, our eternal existence. Like we’re always mindful because we have all these meets for these commandments to do, but when it comes to our emotions, we try to be mindful.

I think a lot of people beat themselves up for the fact that they’re not all the time mindful and there’s like, that’s okay, we’re humans. The perfection thing, right. We are human and we’re meant to have those, you know, waves of, of capacity. Right. And, you know, my theory personally for myself, having had a really challenging upbringing and choosing a life of religiosity after exploring probably every other religion than the religion of my birth was that like.

It’s always this comparison. It’s always this pursuit for truth, but really if you start with just banishing your benchmarks of measuring yourself up to others and just living in your emotion and just embracing it, I think that we don’t even get to that place of like, where am I supposed to be?

What’s the place that I’m supposed to live in? And like. I love acronyms. Like you know that KISS acronym, like keep it simple, stupid, like render yourself stupid. We’re intellectual beings like, this is not derogatory. We’re all bright, we’re all wonderful, we’ll all have great capabilities, but like, just render yourself a little like little dumb, a little like basic, and just keep it simple.

Name your emotion, sit with your emotion. Validate that emotion. Take a deep breath. There are all these tools like activating your parasympathetic nervous system. There’s like different things you could do with your body. There’s tapping. I’m trained in somatic healing. There are things you can do to feel better in that moment, but even before, say we discuss those or not at all, but even before you entertain that, it’s just like keeping it simple.

Naming it like your brothers. Beautiful journey to self after an incredibly painful tragedy is just, this is my makom. Don’t tell me how I have to feel. I won’t tell myself how to feel. This is where I am. Right. And I think that’s the space where Hashem comes in. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, I took a deep breath.

’cause it feels so good. We’re not like. You know, we’re not trying to force it into something. It just feels so Right. Be like, be where you are people. Yeah. And say a word to yourself like, you know, I remember when I came back I was. Doing my Buddhist thing. Once upon a time, many years ago I was in India in an ashram and I was learning how to breathe, right?

Like all we did was breathe, breathe, breathe. Visual imagery. I’m not mocking it, it’s just like that was a big theme. And I came back to America and I saw everybody essentially walking around like hyperventilating. Like I learned to breathe from like deep below my belly and just filling that breath up.

Slows the mind, reduces those cortisol levels, you, those stress hormones. And then like I saw everyone hyperventilating and taking these short, shallow chest breaths, like which is the pace we’re in. And just like if your starting point is just a breath, you are giving yourself the gift of just breathing and just slowing it down so you could kind of figure it out a little bit.

Right. I love breathing. I love breathing. Thank you, God for breath. Oh, thank you God for breath. I think, you know, if you could just thank God for all the things that are free for air, for sunshine, you know, the, the most basic things, water. The main thing, I have a list of all the things I can do with water that are therapy, you know, taking a shower, drinking a water, you know, a cup of water just, you know, washing my face, like splashing myself.

Anything you do with water is therapeutic. It’s even if you use a guided imagery, even if you close your eyes and pictures stream. Or listen to those sounds like those nature sounds like you, like just type into your iTunes like you know, your Apple library. Like hey, water sounds for stress relief, something really magical.

And they’ve done a lot of research on brainwaves when you listen, so you’re right. Just that. Yeah, the free, the free things. The free things. I like, you know, people are trying to like rack their heads like about what to be grateful for. I’m like, just be grateful for. The stuff that is all around you.

Yeah. It’s so powerful. I remember when I was preparing for my seventh birth, I have eight kids now, so I was in, we’re talking about business. This is actually really interesting. I was in a very intense coaching program and I got pregnant. Wow. And throughout the program it was like a yearlong program and throughout the program I’m basically preparing for maternity leave and trying to grow my business at the same time.

It was so cool. It’s a lot. I mean, to do all that it was, yeah, it was a lot, but it was also so aligned and it felt so right because I wasn’t fighting anything. I was just making it work for me. You know? I was like, what do I want? What is ideal? And I got so much permission in that group. To just do what feels good to me and do the right thing and what’s right for me and what I want, and the ideal client and the ideal program.

It was so fun. So, so fun. Yay. And one of the things that happened was that I met through a lot of the things I was doing, a lady who teaches hypnobirthing, so as a thank you for all the. Stuff she went through just with my free stuff. She wanted to give me a free session and wow. She said, okay, I’m going to count and you’re going to breathe out and I wanna see how far, how long you could breathe out.

And I just took a deep breath and I started blowing and she just didn’t stop counting. And she was like, you let out like the ultimate sigh. Yeah. And she was like, whoa. And I’m like, what? You know, because to me, I don’t know, I just, I’ve been breathing for so long, you know, correctly. And also doing all the guided meditations and, you know, all that good stuff.

So it wasn’t hard for me. It’s just most people can’t do that.

  It’s true. So I think that they can, I just don’t think they let themselves. Exactly. There’s such a barrier and I think it’s, and that’s going back to the mention I made, like what is our personal stress? You know, like none of us were created exactly the same.

And just like we have somebody designed to fit our nma, like in terms of like a partner in life and just as like everything is like pre-prescribed and like there’s so much hand of God. The things that happened from the minute we entered this world till the minute we leave this world at 120. It’s really important to understand ourselves so we can make the best use of the ti our time here and when we think about our stress and you know, what we can do, letting that breath out that you were able to do, you know, and how you had so much more to release than maybe you had perceived.

Well, there’s so much more to like. What’s going on with us than we even perceive, like, you know, so many women come to me. It’s so interesting and for a long time I was an intuitive eating coach, and I only say it in past tense is because I, I pressed pause on that because I felt like. You know, when you’re at that point where you’re just like, you’re not getting it, and like you have to take a pause so you don’t bring any bad energy into the moment.

Like, we have to be real with ourselves. And like, all these people are coming to me and they’re like, I wanna lose weight. And I’m like, so what happens when you lose weight? Like, what’s, what’s your end game? Like, do you wanna be healthier? No, no, no. I’ll be, I’ll be happier. And then I’d always like til my head and be like, you know, you are, wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

So like, if you’re 90 pounds, you’re gonna be the same person as. Hundred 60 pounds. It’s like, what’s happening and how did you get there? And that’s like the intuitive piece, like, and there’s like all this psychology and self-awareness that goes into our consumption. And I know this is like a trigger topic for so many, and I don’t wanna go there in my messaging.

But really to say that what I discovered in so many of these clients and conversations for many years is that when people feel sad or out of control. Or in pain, whatever it is they eat to fill a void and like no menu or meal plan or breath work, it’s gonna fix that. It’s like we need to understand why we’re doing that and why our heart feels.

Blocked and that, that’s the decision, the act of choice physically, you know, in this physical world. So, right. You know, for some, we had powerful breakthroughs and for others it was just like, no, no, no, no, no. But if I just like, I’m gonna do a cleanse, and I’d be like, no, let’s go deeper. So we’re all in a different journey when it comes to that.

I think what you’re saying is that a lot of us are looking for the external fixes because going inward is so scary and you know. Scary. Scary. I had I once had a teacher who said the, the most red piece of anything red is the back of a cereal box. Because everybody was just, I’ve heard that, you know, open up their cereal, take cereal, pour milk, and just sit there and eat it.

Trying to run away from their own thoughts. And she was the first, she was the first one to say like, see how much you could be alone with yourself. And I think. In high school, it was the first time I recognized that I was not comfortable being with myself and I had to learn to do that. And you know, it’s been many years later and I’m very, very grateful to her that she brought this up.

But I think a lot of people aren’t. Made aware of how they feel with themselves. And you know, you are with yourself forever, all the time. It’s the po it’s the one person you cannot get away from, you know, and that’s really scary. ’cause if you don’t like yourself or there are parts of you that you’re trying to avoid and they keep following you everywhere you go, it’s something that’s really very important to treat and, you know, deal with.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and I think if we’re coming back to this notion of business, right, and like. You know how when you have children and your kids are in school and certain things are not going right in school, and then you kind of think about it and you say like, well, the reason why it’s so important we get this right and you know, 90% or close to is because they’re gonna spend more time in school than anywhere else.

Well, the same is true with our professions. Like not everybody’s nine to five, right? Like everybody’s construct is different, but your work and your professional choices are such a big chunk of your life and your time. And if you have to spend time with yourself in that space and you need to feel fulfilled, like I can’t tell you how many people in my life, friends, family, colleagues, whatever, hate their jobs.

And I say that really big word ’cause that’s actually what I hear them say. And to go back to that experience I had last week, like I was gonna hate that job and sometimes when you hate something you’re in is such a big word, then you don’t always like yourself in that space.

’cause you do things that are outside your comfort zone. Like you have to be aggressive or you have to like, you know, find your way and do things that are a little against your true nature. So I just feel like maybe, and we think about business and stress relief, the first step before even naming those emotions is to say what emotions you wanna have.

And then work almost, I don’t know if it’s backwards or forwards to be honest with you, to work. Then from there with, well, let me vision board it. What? Say you wanna be happy at your job, let’s keep it simple. And then you say, well, what are the things that make me happy? And you kind of vision board it.

Okay. What of those five things that you just listed then makes you. Think it could be a profession. So if you just say like, I like drawing pictures. I like eating cookies. Like okay, you can’t do a career on eating cookies, but Oh, believe me, I’m sure somebody has figured it out. Like high eating contest.

Right. There’s probably a cookie eating contest. Sure. Okay, fine. We’ll go with that. But like sustainable, right? So like say making pictures or creativity is like one of those things that you write that generates happiness. Then maybe like just because you said you’re a graphic artist, maybe then, oh, I’ll go back to school and do that, and that’ll generate joy.

But then you press pause and you say, well, could I do something that I love? Like can I turn an vocation into a vocation? Like can I turn a hobby into a profession? And I made my fitness career. Like a primary profession for a long time because I love working out. I know that might generate some like eye rolls and I’m sorry, but I actually do like Okay.

And that those eye rolls are exactly what we’re talking about when you say, I love working out. Right. Or when I say I love salad, people will say, oh my gosh, she’s weird. What is wrong with her? Totally, and, and then they make you feel broken or wrong, or something is wrong with you, and this is exactly what we’re talking about.

That’s where totally the stress lies, because you’re like, oh, I’m not supposed to like that. So what’s wrong with me? Why am I, why am I liking it if I don’t, it’s not supposed to be like. And I love how you’re like, I don’t care. I’m just gonna do it anyway. You know? Yeah. Like I’m not your opinion. Like I am not your opinion.

Like Hashem, you’re not hashem. Right. Like, not you back then, but like the universe around us. Like I’m not, no, I, I really, believe me, I’m not God either. No. We have a spark of godliness in all of us, but that’s the thought in my head when I see people and on a weekday, I don’t always go here. I sometimes get hit hard from those, the weight of those opinions.

But like when I walk into shul and someone’s like, so where are you now, Marla? And like, and I’ll be like, oh, I’m here now. And they’ll be like, oh, you jumped again. And then I’m like, I’m not your opinion. Hashem obviously put that in my path because he believed that I could jump around and be untouched by it, that I won’t be like, oh, I have to onboard in another place, you know?

Do you hear what I’m saying? No, but you know, like you said, I’m on my way to the ideal job and I’m sitting there going, hello? It’s like, I think it’s everybody’s. Dream to just be able to follow all the little crumbs that feel like, oh, that’s what I wanna do today. Oh, I wanna change it up. Oh, I wanna do this, I wanna do that.

And what if I do what I love, you know, to do the most. I, I am in a networking group where I was last year. Nice. And one of the ladies was saying how she wants to figure out what to do, but she can’t figure out what, and everybody was just asking her like, what do you love to do? And eventually we started talking about how I.

Swam across the Kinneret two times. Like Oh my gosh. That’s amazing. It is very cool. And yeah, we could talk about that a little bit more after, but we were talking about it ’cause like it’s a whole thing. It’s a whole to do. Like 500 women do it all together and you start from one end and you get to the other end and you’s like, it’s wild.

That’s wild. A real accomplishment. I’m very proud of myself. You should be a proud of yourself. And then she says, oh yeah, I do that too. It’s, isn’t it great? And turns out I do the two kilometers. She does the four kilometers, which is three hours to swim. It is a long time. Oh, I can’t even swim for 10 minutes.

Wow. There’s. Oh my gosh. So powerful. So that’s how it just started, like yeah, you know what I do? I love to help women who can’t put their head in the water, go and like learn to swim. ’cause they get conf confident and then they put their head in the water and then they’re, you know, able to sit with their kids when they go out on trips and it’s fine.

And they’re not afraid of the water, whatever. She started Wow. She started her business helping women put their head in the water and really feel more confident about being around water. And it was all just from that. And sometimes we don’t realize how easy it comes to us and why. That’s okay. Yeah. I think that’s the, the gifts that we need to understand about ourselves, you know, and not allow.

The fear that false evidence appearing real. There’s another acronym for you Get in the Way. Like she probably thought like, I can’t do that. I can’t make that a profession, or I don’t, you know, insert whatever negative, you know, self-talk that we have going on in our minds. And I think the minute we release that fear.

Is we find a lot of space to do better and to come out of that stress response and it become like a liberating response instead. Yeah, and you know what’s amazing? I think while we’re talking about stress and business, I think in business, especially women in business who are, you know, building their entire career or their entire, you know, income on who they are and what they do.

A lot of it is based on your identity. Yeah. And so this woman is like, but I’m a teacher. She’s like, what am I gonna make my business about teaching swimming? And I’m like, yes. Because yes, you’re a teacher and you’re able to Yes. Answer yes. Right. And it’s so funny, and like also I was thinking like I, even though I swam across the kinger twice, do not think of myself as a swimmer.

And it’s the most bizarre thing. I, I sit there going, why don’t I just like, talk myself into it? Like, hello, you swam, you know, twice. It’s not something you did like a one time thing, you actually did it again. You are a swimmer and I’m like, nah, I don’t know. It’s weird, right? It’s, it’s weird, but like, that’s what’s so funny to me about women.

Like we can be a thousand things at once. Like we could be mothers, we can be, you know, sisters, we could be wise, we could be professionals, we could be, you know, I know this one woman who’s like a professional ping pong player and she’s like a thousand other things and she’s just incredibly impressive.

And I’m just thinking, you know, you are so many things. We are all so many things. But then when it comes to our own self-awareness, we are all those things. But I don’t know if we’re always like considerate of those things and a willing to think outta the box and merge certain sides of ourselves together.

You know, like I love it. Those moms who like I was one of these moms. I don’t know if I was always successful, but that’s okay. But like, yeah. I would be like, I like making salads. I wanna make some extra money. But I also really want people to be happy about eating salads and what is the barrier to most people eating salads that they don’t wanna chop vegetables and it’s too labor intensive.

So then I started selling salads out of my house. Like did I like doing that? Not really. ’cause it’s really labor intensive. Not only did I make myself a salad, but to make 50 other women’s salads. But for a while it was like a vibe and like people picked them up in the morning and it was like, I like hustled and make cute little names for each salad that were iterate ated and like, it’s just we have to allow ourselves, I think, to banish that stress, to be creative, to look at the different sides of ourselves to allow that success in business.

Hoping that becomes my truth too. Each time, each iteration, sometimes it is my truth. It is very much not my truth and being willing to like, not fail. ’cause nothing’s a fail, but being willing to not be ideal and say, okay, pivot. Yeah. I love that you said fail. You know Dave what’s her name? Hana Mason.

Her husband Dave Mason, wrote a book called Hurry Up and Fail. I like that. Exactly, exactly about that concept. That if you realize that failure is actually the stepping stone to the next thing, to the next thing, to the next thing, eventually leading you to more and more actions that get the result done, you’re going to take a lot.

Less time sitting and designing your first website or stressing over the font and stressing over the color and stressing over all the different things that don’t really matter. Just get it done, move on, get it done, move on story, get it done, move on. And if you, the faster you fail, the faster you’ll succeed.

That’s his basic it’ss. So true. I love that concept. I mean, how many times have we read, like Jeff Bezos had like 14 different businesses that failed before he came up with Amazon, like Abraham Lincoln didn’t get elected, like the first couple times he went for it. Like, this is the portal. Yeah. To it.

I mean, I don’t want people to feel failure. I don’t want them to feel down on themselves, but I also want myself and others to give themselves the grace of trying and learning about themselves along the way. I, I feel that when you give yourself permission to fail, then that is a success, right.

So you’re like, oh, I took action, and everybody around you is like, yeah, but it was a really dumb action. Like, I don’t care. ’cause again, you know, you’re not my opinion or I’m not your opinion, right? Like you don’t dictate my truth. Right. We allow a lot of people to, but what I, I mean, we all do it like I do it myself, but then when I step away and I’m like.

What does she or he have anything to do with my end game? Right. Right. Even like in, I don’t know if you experienced this as a coach, but like even if someone comes to my class or works with me once, or tries my virtual program and like after five seconds they cancel, my first thought is, what did I do wrong?

But why isn’t our first thought, like they really didn’t feel ready for this information? Not as a criticism or a judgment. It’s not their time or I’m not their person, and that doesn’t mean that I’m not everyone else’s person. It can’t be something for everyone or it wouldn’t be the way Hasham, God intended it.

You know what’s amazing? It brings me back to that moment. We have four girls first and then Nice. And then we had a boy. It was like, okay, four girls, boy, girl, boy, girl. Okay. Okay. Just for, for all those keeping track. So the first 10 years of our marriage, there was an obsession around the fact that we had no boys and people were going around giving us advice.

And telling my husband to drink this wine and to make, you know, Havdalah on that and to do this and all the different things. I could have written a book about all the advice and all the things people said all their wow. It just absolutely incredible how people get in your face about the most random things and.

I was, you know, I wasn’t in a rush to have a baby boy because I was very happy with girls and my husband wasn’t in the, and you were, you were grateful, right? He, you know, he got beautiful girls, but eventually when we had the boy, everybody just forgot. And I was like, wait, so all you guys made it a big deal for nothing?

Like what happened? Where’s all the people who had what to say? They all just like, whew. Oh, it’s their, it’s their issue. I mean, it’s their journey. No thing. That’s it. They just got off our back. It was like, that’s all, that’s all it took like this. Now nobody gives me any advice about anything that has to do with children because I now have a boy.

It was almost like so fascinating. Oh, so like I feel like. People are in your face because, oh, it’s just a fun thing to talk about. You know? It’s like when people don’t have what to talk about, that’s, they talk about whatever is in front of them, so they’ll talk about this thing that, you know, right. That could contribute to stress.

You know, I was told I would never have kids, right? Like I have a number of medical things. I was told I would never have kids. I knew this from when, like I was 15 years old and then I became like an observant Jew and I was like, oh, no. These people like to have babies. I’m in trouble. Like, what am I gonna do?

Like, I’m gonna just be that person. And a lot of fear and a lot of like unnecessary stress. And so I met my husband and I said, you know, I’m probably not gonna be able to have children like, but I know, thank God in modern society we have a lot of alternatives. And I went to doctors and the doctors looked at me and said, don’t stress.

Your body has a lot of limitations, but we’ll figure it out if it becomes a problem. And thank you, God. The second month we were married, we were blessed with a child. Wow. Which was something they never anticipated. And I feel like that’s its own like personal muscle of like, outside of people’s opinions.

Like I don’t wanna be weighted down people’s opinions. I didn’t even get to that point, but I was weighted down by the information I was given. Right. And listen, they were hard pregnancies and there was a. Credible amount of risk and struggle. And I had a number of losses in between as I’m giving me the gift of three children.

And then it stopped there like, no more for you. And and it was like, I just realized that what a cool thing for a doctor to say. Don’t stress. Right. Easier said than done. Right? Easier said than done. Isn’t an amazing that, like something you knew from the age of 15 stressed you out all those years until you found out 10 years?

I got married at 25, 10 years of stress about something that didn’t even happen in the end. Like everything was fine. So, wow. You know, sometimes I think of like, how much are we carrying that isn’t even ours. It’s not present. It’s not real. Right. And there’s so many examples, personal and global, that we hear that, that embraces this.

So if there’s one takeaway from people listening today, it’s like, you know, when it comes to stress is to know your truth, to do everything in your power, whatever that is to you. And there’s so many tools out there to lock that truth in, to honor your feelings, to say what they are. To combat the fear and the judgment and the statements around you and use that self-awareness and that I don’t wanna say manipulation, but that.

Correction of stress and let your professional vision soar, and that will trickle down to, I think, all the other areas of your life. I am speaking to myself. I have not mastered this. I am like after last week, I just keep like coming back. Crying, but then meditating, but working out, but talking to the people I trust, loving myself, but then also being like, yeah, you could really work on those things.

You know, like this is our journey. Like to figuring it out. Yeah. And if we stay quiet and don’t do it. I never wanna look back and say, should have coulda, woulda in a much bigger way. Right. You know, what comes up for me a lot throughout this whole conversation is I I was once in a group of Ozzy Koic, Dr.

Ozzy. Oh, I know her. She’s so great. She’s great. She was on my podcast. She’s amazing. So she had us work on our why, like get really clear. What is your why? Find your why. Yes. Yes. And it is. So thanks to her that I, I have such a solid why? My why is bring God’s presence home and it’s home to ourselves, home into our homes and home to it’s home.

So it’s like a very solid why that feels really good to me. And one of the things she said after we all found our whys, was now anything that comes up. Has to stand up to that. Why? Any fear of like, what are people going to say, well, it doesn’t matter because this why is way stronger. Like, I would much rather bring God’s presence into your home than have to worry about what my neighbor says about what I’m doing.

Right? Yeah. And if I have to go live and I have to, you know, talk to, to. Have on interviews or podcasts or whatever. I would much rather be scared and still do it than not do it because there is such a strong why. So there’s something really powerful when you raise up the reason why you’re here, your purpose, God’s, you know, put you here, go do it.

It’s not by accident, right? Not by accident. All these other opinions and people and chatter and whatever noise. We’ll never match what’s actually putting you here. I love that. And I think the liberation also comes in the simplicity. Like it’s these lines that we know are our truth, but like living that truth and just what you said, like, you know, finding your why and bringing Hashem into your home.

Those are like the best roadmap in my opinion. You know, like, and it doesn’t have to be the same for every person. And this is also I think where we find our people. Like for a long time I spent a lot of energy on people. ’cause I felt like they kind of matched, like my kid goes to this school, so they need to be friends with these people.

So I in turn need to. You know, invite those relationships into my life and I kind of like, you’ll bet myself into a pretzel to be able to be part of that. And I’m not saying be like totally different, but like, be unapologetically you. Yeah. And even if that doesn’t completely align with your kids’ friends or your work, you know, colleagues or your shul, you know, members.

Okay. Know, like didn’t create us all the same for a reason. We’re tribal people have all these like different you know, quirks and perks and all of it in between. Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. When you, I think we, you, you just said it, you wrapped it all together. It was like, how do you get rid of stress in your business?

Become more authentic, be you, because then you don’t have to be like anyone else, and you don’t have to fit into anyone else’s things. You just do the thing you’re here to do. It will actually pull you up naturally and sort of make you, you know, rise to the top just by being you and who you are. So, gets rid of a lot of stress.

And when you’re authentically you, then there’s a confidence that comes that’s attractive to everyone around you. Like I’m not telling you if you work at like some hardcore corporate environment and, you know, business suits are non-negotiable, you should walk in, you know, in your technical dream coat and like just start singing songs.

But what I am saying is that like, if you find that authentic version of. And wherever she is, in whatever spaces that it serves best and is appropriate. And then you in turn love yourself. And that’s a very attractive quality. And I learned from doing it the wrong way of trying to be someone I’m not and realizing this is not a happy person.

And then once you’re happy and authentic, the stress removes, the business thrives, I hope. And so, yeah, no, it’s totally true. It’s amazing. It’s really powerful. Super powerful. This was such a fun conversation. Thank you. Tell everyone where they can find you and how they can work with you. Thank you for asking.

So on Instagram, I’m Shulamit Miriam which is my Hebrew name. My virtual fitness program is MINDBODY 20, all one word, but with the number 20 mindbody twenty.com. Both fitness and then there’s a coaching system on there, and I am. Available by DM on Instagram. Marla rottenstreich on Facebook and excited to support anyone who listens to this and sees me as possibly a helpful vehicle to supporting them.

And Han, thank you. So Abson, thank you so much for the opportunity to and get to know you and keep doing the holy work that you’re doing. It’s inspiring to me and I’m sure so many other people. Thank you. And thank you so much for being here. This is so great. Thank you. Thank you. Worked out amazing. I was so happy.

Totally. Likewise. You yes, everybody who’s listening, thank you so much for coming. Make sure you come back next week for another amazing episode about stress. We’re gonna wrap it all up with stress and you, so that’s gonna be really fun. And don’t forget to be connected for real.

And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.