205. Why Did G-d Choose Me?

Transcript:

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started. 

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me is my brother Hananel Gez and I’m so happy to have you here, Hananel, introduce yourself and then we’ll get into our topic of expansion. And God,  thank you very much for having me. As you said I am your brother.

I am the first brother that you had. So you are number one and I’m number two. Yeah. And by the way, just so you guys all know, sneak peek. The other brother Hai is in just a couple of weeks, so stay tuned ’cause that one is a really good conversation.  Okay. 

Let me tell you guys,  I was always the older sister and he was always my brother. And then suddenly four months ago, I became Hananel’s sister, which is a very interesting shift that happened in my life. Let’s give everybody a little bit of background of what happened four months ago that changed everything and then we can get into talking about our relationship with God and, you know, others and so on. 

Sure. So four months ago I was in a tragic terrorist attack where I was driving with my wife to have a baby. And unfortunately we were shot at  and my wife unfortunately did not survive  and the baby died two weeks later.  So yeah, that was a very tragic event. And now we are coping and we are rehabilitating our lives the best we can. 

Yes, yes. And.  So for all you who are looking it up now, look up Tze’ela Gez. She was a gigantic light in this world and she was so awesome that, you know, she really wanted to go viral with the light that she had, and I think she did. She was de definitely very successful at touching everyone’s heart. With her story.

As tragic as it was, it also was a, a very big breakthrough in the world. So Tze’ela Gez and Ravid Chaim, 

and this episode is dedicated to them, so have them in mind.  Now we’re gonna get into the topic. I’ll give you a little background of how our podcast works around here. So we have four pillars, God, marriage, business, and you. And we really talk about all four because if you focus only on your relationship with God, then what’s gonna happen with your other relationships and with the things that you’re actually doing in the world.

And you know, getting practical and all that good stuff. And if you’re only focusing on your marriage, then you’re going to maybe think that you have to hold yourself back and not open up a business or not go and do the thing you’re being called to do. Because like marriage is number one and that’s it.

Nothing else matters, but it doesn’t work like that. And you know, sometimes you’ll go to gurus who are all businessy and they’ll tell you just like, you know, throw yourself at your business. If you give it your all, you’re going to make it. But like, you know, some things are gonna get in your way, which is like your marriage, your children, the things that.

As if are taking you away from your business. And that’s not the type of life that we believe in. And so I work very hard on teaching women how to find that balance. And then the last pillar, who I think, which I think is one of the most important ones, obviously they’re all important,  and I could say the same about every single one, but you, the part that most people are not talking about is that you are the container that  holds all these parts of you, and  you can’t hold everything if you’re feeling overwhelmed and constricted and really tight, you need that expansion to be able to have space and to be calm in everything that you do.

So exactly because of that, this month is focused on expansion and  specifically expansion in God. And I brought you here because you went through something so tragic. And most people are shocked at your reaction.  Tell us a little bit about that.  So as soon as we were taken to the er, the emergency room they took care of me.

And then later, like a minute later, she came in in a different ambulance and they took care of her. And as soon as they did all the tests and different, like MRI and everything, because I got shrapnel on my hand, on my chest. So they were very worried that maybe something went deeper than they could see. 

And thank God it was only like a minor surgery to get rid of the shrapnel, and I was okay which happened like three weeks later because I knew that I had to tell my kids everything that happened. But  immediately after the quick assessment. They took me to like a recovery room and they said, we’re really sorry.

Your baby is in very critical condition and not stable. So we don’t know if he’s gonna live or die. And unfortunately your wife is gone.  And that was very difficult to swallow. ’cause I kept asking, are you sure? And the doctor’s like, yes. I’m like a hundred percent. He’s like, yes. And I’m like, A million percent.

He’s like, yeah. I’m like, okay. I don’t think it’s gonna help if I ask him another a hundred times ’cause he’s just saying yes.  So  he had a very clear certainty and I realized that I have to also have very clear certainty in what I’m choosing to do with my life. Because if he’s so sure about what he’s talking about, I need to be sure about what I’m talking about.

And I had this big question in my head, one second, do I still believe in God? Do I want to just throw everything out the window and say I don’t really care about. Religion and life and God and all this, like, I’m just gonna do my own thing. But then I’m like, no, I don’t wanna do that. I want to be fully connected to God  and know that he is my king.

He’s my only king. He’s the one that takes care of me. He’s my father. And if he does this to me, he knows that I can get through it. So I decided that I’m going all in on God and saying, all right, you know what? This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But I am totally with Hashem, with God,  and it was a very crazy situation.

 The morning after I immediately wrote in a group that I run together with a few other friends the Aliyah Network, and it’s a very nice group. It’s also on Facebook, also on WhatsApp. And basically it’s just for people that wanna make Aliyah or already made Aliyah.  And need some help with like just practical things or just like motivation or whatever.

And for me, I really love to motivate people. I feel like that’s a really strong spiritual thing that I love doing. It’s just for myself. I love helping people and push ’em forward to do their dreams and to go for it. So the morning after this whole tragedy happened, I wrote in the group like, Hey friends, I am really sad to announce that unfortunately last night my wife was murdered and we were on the way to have our fourth baby boy.

Like this is crazy. And naturally I am very like broken and shattered and I’m very sad and this is really tragic. On the other hand, it’s very important for me to remember.  To let you all know that Hashem is the one and only king that we have. And whether it’s something good that happens to your life or something very difficult that happens in your life, it’s the same God that gives you life.

And he also sometimes takes away things from you. So I still believe in Hashem and I will accept this whole terrible thing  with love. And it’s very strange. How can you say that? But for me it was like, Hey, it’s the same one that gives you the, the one that decides that right now you don’t need that wife anymore.

And it’s like crazy. What? How can you, but it’s a choice you make. Like I am choosing to live and to go on and to try. Not that I’m like an angel to try to be as strong as I can be. Of course I’m gonna have my weekdays, my difficult days not functioning so well, not functioning at all. That’s normal.

You’re gonna be depressed, you’re gonna be sad, you’re gonna be angry, you’re gonna have all the emotions, like the five stages of grief. But. From the very first moment I realized this is God telling me here I’m testing you and I need you to be strong and I believe in you. So I did the best I can and I’m still trying my best. 

Yeah. That moment where you realized, I have a choice here,  I think that’s the moment of expansion  where you could have been very  shrunken, right? You could shrink into yourself and be very, very tight,  or you can see it as an expansion and what, you know, ask questions and be open to hearing what, what is going on?

What do you want from me? How do I serve you now? What’s up? You know? And even if it doesn’t feel good, and even if you’re still experiencing all the normal emotions, having that very clear  anger  I think is what.  Created the expansion.  Right. And one thing that I really thought about was that the fifth stage of grief and by the way, it goes in all directions.

Like you don’t have to go in a certain order. But the last one is acceptance. Like, okay, you accept that this is the new reality. Like you no longer have your wife and two weeks later you no longer have your baby that you were hoping for and, and your kids were hoping for. It’s a very tragic thing, but when you accept it, so suddenly you’re like, okay, this is where I basically move on now.

But for me, it was like, that’s not enough. That’s not enough just to accept it. So I realized that there is a sixth stage that I basically came up with. I don’t know, maybe it exists somewhere, but for me it was like, hold on. I can use this terrible, terrible, painful tragedy to motivate and inspire. Give it purpose for everybody around me and I can be a light to the whole world.

And for me, that was really powerful to say, all right, what is the meaning and purpose that I can create from this and take the lemon and make lemonade out of this? And  it was so clear that I can strengthen all of us together because I knew that the whole thing was like, okay, we have to let your family know quickly before the news gets out.

And of course you got to know this very quickly from the soldiers that came to the house and they’re waking you up frantically. Like, go tell your parents, go wake up your parents before the news gets out. And you were like, oh my gosh, I have to deal with this first. Hello. I’m also like part of this.

And so for you, it was also difficult as you mentioned, but at the same time I felt like, whoa, the whole of the world is going to hear this terrible news, especially the Jewish people. Which are like brothers and sisters, and when one heart is broken, it’s like a web. All of our hearts are broken together in the same moment.

So I knew that I need to hold everybody strong and say, listen, I know that this is horrible, but we are stronger than this. And it’s very hard to do. It’s not a natural thing, but sometimes the mind needs to be on top of the heart and not let the heart take over and just like go berserk. Because yeah, you could be all depressed, you could go crazy, you could like do terrible things, but is that going to help you move forward in life?

No, you’re going through this anyway. You might as well take the best case scenario, like you still have the imagination to say, all right, I can go the worst. I can go the best. So why not go the best? Of course, you can go in the middle also, like nobody’s telling you what to do, but like if you have all these different shades of colors that you can choose and you can go for the brightest, best colors, why not?

Why not? Like you’re going through it anyway.  That’s why I was like, okay, you know what? I’m adding this stage number six of giving purpose and meaning and uplifting everybody with me. And so when the seven Days of Mourning came in and everybody came to comfort me and console me, they were all like, oh my gosh.

You’re like, consoling us. Hello. This is strange. Like, you’re so strong. You’re even strong. Like we’re freaking, like, we don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. Like we don’t even know what we’re supposed to say. And here you are making us happy, making us joyful, making us laugh.  Seriously, I was like just doing like a standup comedy show.

Like, oh, I’m so happy she agreed to marry me. You know, it’s so hard. And like I was just making a whole big joke. And it’s not that I don’t like respect her. Of course I do. I think that’s the best way to deal with so much pain and suffering. Like, oh my gosh, my wife is gone after 11 and a half years. 

It’s really crushing. It’s very crushing. It’s very difficult. There are many times that I just like burst out and cry, and it’s very difficult. But at the same time, I choose to focus on the good. And I think that whatever you focus on expands and you just gotta continue to expand in the right direction that you want.

And as long as you’re focused on wanting to be happy, which is my number one thing, like, I wanna be happy. Not that I’m trying to like erase the sadness and then erase whatever, just the opposite because I’m pushing to feel everything. I’m able to kind of get over all the bumps and then like straight sailing, hopefully.

And I’ll say one more thing. Right after the shiva, the seven days of morning, I went to sleep and then two hours later my brain was like just going crazy berserk. I couldn’t sleep and I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m sitting there in the couch, in the living room, and I’m like, what is wrong here?

Like, something is happening. I’m not able to process this whole thing. And I knew like, okay, now everybody’s gone. Now I’ve just gotta deal with all this. And I’m thinking about all the feelings, all the emotions, all the  thoughts running through my head. The grief, the, the anguish, the sadness, the love, the missing of, of these loved ones that I care for so much.

Like how am I supposed to like deal with this? Should I try to suppress it? Should I try to not give it place? Or should I give it space and let it like wash through me and clean me out? And it’s like when you have this very rigid rock and then it goes like on a waterfall, so you feel like it’s cleaning it and making it smoother, and then it becomes very rounded and beautiful.

And I feel like that’s how our soul and our heart is like sometimes. We have this terrible trauma and then we have to deal with it. So like I think the post-trauma is to let the tears flow, feel everything and then get over it. And that’s the best way to get over it. Not that you’re like erasing it, just the opposite.

You’re living into it. You’re leaning into it. And that’s why in Hebrew we say  that God should console you and it means like only God can really understand you and console you. On the other hand, I was like, why say the word hamakom? Because God is like Hashem or Elokim. Why are you saying  KO means the place? And I realized the place means give place, give a space for all your feelings and that will console you hamakom to the feelings that Rega showed that will console you.

So I thought that was a really nice way to process everything that I’m going through.  Yeah. You know, I only heard that you said this. When we went to a different Shiva Aour  of a woman here who lost her husband in the shooting last week,  and I took my mother and we went together, our mother, and we went together, and she told them that, that you came up with another new way of looking at  that.

That was the first time I heard it, and it gave me so much comfort because I was like, oh, I just need to be with my emotions. Like, if I wanna cry now, I cry now. If I wanna laugh, I laugh If I wanna, you know, be sad, if I wanna be angry, if I want, and as soon as you make it okay to feel whatever you’re feeling, then you know, there’s like something called the meta emotion that like you’re angry.

That you’re angry, you’re sad, that you’re sad, you’re upset. That you’re upset.  That is all erased because there’s no more judgment of the emotion. It’s just is this is where we are right now.  Yeah. And because I have a degree in psychology also, so I understand. And, and I’m a parent and I’m a husband, you know, I have a lot of training in like, I mean, whatever.

I mean, trying to be the best I can. So there’s the whole thing of validating your emotions. Like, hello, the child is crying. Don’t say, oh, don’t cry. Everything is okay. No, something happened. Give it space. Give it room. Like say, okay, I see that you’re hurting. Let’s see what it is. Let’s kiss it.

Let’s help it go away. Or if the husband or wife, you know, you see your partner that’s suffering and you don’t just say like, oh, everything’s fine. Stop complaining, stop whining, stop whatever. Like why so angry? Like, stop. You know? So the opposite is how you’re supposed to react. You’re supposed to say, Hey, I see that you’re really angry, or you’re really sad, or you’re really whining about this thing forever already.

Let’s talk about it. Let’s give it space and let’s understand. And I think that’s how you empty the jug when things are going crazy. You gotta talk about it. Okay, what else is bothering you? And just be like the tourist hat, you know? Like right now I gotta be there for you. So same thing for yourself.

Hey, I’m feeling stuff. Let me put the tourist hat on and look at my own  emotions and feelings, like a cloud passing through. Like we meditate. Like, hey, now look at yourself. Look inside. Don’t just look at other people and be there for them. Be there for yourself too. And that’s what we talked about, like be there to be stronger for everyone else.

You gotta be strong for yourself too.  Yeah, and it’s amazing. Tze’ela was so  amazing at helping people and she was very into getting help.  You know, she said one of the things that she changed in the entire way of looking at trauma is that you should treat it as soon as possible. And  I really, really line up with that.

I feel very in agreement with going right away, getting the help you need, catching it right at the beginning. And when I went to ask for help,  of course I don’t count. ’cause you know, thank God I am too far off, believe it or not. So, so they said, no, give it a couple of months, let’s see how you’re feeling.

And I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You don’t understand. I’m not going to give it a couple months. I’m gonna take care of it right now. And so I was strong-willed enough to get the therapy I was needing, and also the help with the kids that I needed because, you know, I was also helping validate a lot of little people’s emotions and big people’s emotions.

So I feel like that I would say breakthrough that she had while she was alive, that no, it has to be right away and the entire trauma world thinks that you need to let it all settle before you work through it is such a mistake. And I was able to tap into that and really get the help I needed and also advise other people to do so as well. 

Right? So  Tze’ela, my dear wife,  she was very high up there in the world of therapy and psychology, and she was actually a trainer for other coaches, psychologists therapists. Like it was huge. She had a whole movement and she had very big plans. When we just got married, I remember we were married for maybe two, three months. 

I asked her like, you’re so amazing. I really wanna help you to grow. What is it that you really want? Where do you see yourself like moving forward in your professional life? And she said, listen, I’m already done with my first degree. I’m starting my second degree in dance and moving therapy and I wanna go to PhD and I wanna be a lecturer in universities and train people how to do therapy the right way.

Because you can be a therapist or a psychologist and make a lot of mistakes and do a lot of damage in people’s souls. Like what is worse than that?  You’re supposed to be helping and you’re  destroying somebody’s soul by labeling them with the wrong thing, diagnosing them with the wrong thing.

Hello. So she had a whole different approach of like, Hey, there’s nothing wrong with you that you have to be labeled something. You are just going through something and I’m gonna go in that dark tunnel with you and we’re gonna figure out how to get you out of it because we’re all messed up in something or another and we’re all the same.

We’re human beings. We have our quirks and we’re all messed up in some way or another. And it’s not even your fault, like you were brought up that way and your genes and everything like just like, let’s figure out how to make it better. And I was so excited for her and I said, you know what? I know you wanna wait until you’re gonna be all PhD and everything, but you know there’s an unconventional way you can do this.

You can actually go out there and do like workshops and you can do seminars and you can go like talk in different communities and you can do so much stuff with like schools and children and everything. Like why do you have to wait until you have all the credentials to actually help people? You have that. 

Such a burning desire to help people in the most important thing, which is their soul, their psyche, their mindset. That’s like the operating system. Like if you have a virus or a bug  or a security vulnerability in, in your windows machine or, or Macintosh, Mac, whatever, you are gonna have a very bad time with hackers getting in there.

So   same thing goes for your mind, your mindset. You have to treat it. You have to get rid of the weeds. It’s like a garden. You gotta water it, you gotta take care of it. You gotta nurture it.  So I told her, listen, you have such a burning desire. Go for it now. Don’t wait. And I helped her to get over her fear of investing in herself professionally.

She was so afraid. Even just small things like just going out with a friend to just get an iced coffee. She would call me up. I mean, we’re married for like three months and she’s like, oh, Chananel, is it okay that I buy a coffee for myself, like a iced coffee for myself and my friend? I’m like, are you joking me?

Of course. Never ask me again. And of course she did ask me again and again and again until she got it that like, no, it’s okay. I know that we’re a couple now and our money is together and we wanna do everything very smart and everything. But like, you gotta pamper yourself and feel okay that you have abundance.

There is not a shortage of money. And then afterwards, which she wanted to take all these special courses very specialized, like E-M-D-R-E-F-T tapping se and breathing techniques and, and mindfulness and so many different things that she wanted to learn. It was like thousands and thousands of shekels and even getting like a, a business mentor.

It was like we went to this big retreat and it was like 4,000 shackles and it was like a huge thing. And then he had an upsell, like, if you want the VIP program, I will sit with you every week and we’ll work on your landing page and your sales page and your webinars and everything, and I will help you.

And, and, and it’s like 70,000 shekels. And she’s like, there’s no way we’re doing it. I’m like, yes, we are doing it. And she’s like, but we have a down payment on buying a car. We need a car. And I’m like, the car can wait. We’ll get a ride, we’ll get a hitchhike, whatever. Who cares? So we’ll get a, a car in like two years.

We can survive without the car. ’cause the car was supposed to be like 70,000 shackles and we put down the 2000 and I’m like, forget it. Let’s get the 2000 back and let’s go for this. This is more important. You’re gonna generate a lot more money from this and you’re gonna be able to help so many more people like this.

So I was always thinking how to expand, expand, expand how to grow more and how to help more people and. Obviously you’re gonna get a lot more money from it. But even if it’s not all about the money, it’s also about helping more people. It’s everything together. And there’s nothing wrong with also making money.

There’s nothing wrong with it. You’re helping more people, you’re giving value, you’re getting value. It all goes together. So what I feel is that throughout this whole time, she was already on a very, very clear path to continue to help more and more people.

At the very end,  she was already taking care of over 30 people a week in her private clinic. Sometimes 35, 36 people a week. And it was amazing. And she was just a month away from getting her PhD. Her psycho, what do you call it?  Psychotherapy, psychodynamic. It was like very high level of thinking like, wow, like thinking about the setting and the room and the what are you doing and, and, and what time of the day you’re meeting and, and making sure that everything is consistent and being there for the patient.

And also she would have this feeling that she’s so inside of the pain going deeper and deeper into pain with the patient. And it was usually women and she would be with them and they would be so broken and she would let them be there crying their eyes out. And she was in so much pain as well.

She would tell me, wow, today I had so many moments that I wanted to cry with. The lady I wanted to cry with her and the other one also. And the other one also. And I had to hold on. I had to kind of like be there with them and cry in my heart and not let it out, because I knew that if I cry in front of them, they’ll feel even more broken, and they need to know that I’m holding them.

So I would wait until they leave and then I would break out and cry my eyes out for everything that I couldn’t cry before. And then I had just a few moments to go wash my face and get and get ready for my next session with the next person.  And it was so special because she was totally loving to be there for every person.

And she felt like, wow, I can help them by being there with them. And even if sometimes I know that I have the next step for them to move forward. But I know they’re not there to listen yet. They’re not there to hear it. I will hold onto it like a, a month, two months, three months, and then suddenly they say something that I see.

They’re opening up to this idea of like, okay, I need the help now. What is the next step? And I have it ready already, and now I can open it up and take them to where they need to be to heal. So I’m very happy that even though she didn’t make it to getting her PhD, she was able to live her life to the fullest.

And this is why she always told people that if you are going through something, take care of it. If you have issues with like childhood trauma, if you have any problems in your life, don’t wait around. Take care of it now, even if it takes you a year or two years to deal with it, and it’s gonna cost you money, fine.

It’s gonna cost you hundreds and hundreds of dollars and thousands and thousands of shackles, whatever it is, who cares? At the end of the day, you’re gonna be able to live fully the rest of your life fully. Instead of like half living and half not living. Forget it. Just live the best you can because you only live once like.

What are you gonna wait until you’re like 60, 70, 80, and then you’re gonna be like, well, now I should probably think about how I should have lived my life. No. Do it now. Every day is a new opportunity. Every moment is a new opportunity. And if I can go into like Elul and Tishrei and all these months in the Jewish calendar, it’s like, okay, you do repentance.

You say sorry for what we did wrong. You say to God, sorry, you say to people, sorry. And you try to like erase the bad stuff and overcome it and try to step above it and say, all right, you know what, we make mistakes, let’s move on. And then Tishrei is like, okay, we’re  believing that we clean ourselves up and now we can just be joyous and happy and live to the fullest.

And I think that’s such a freeing feeling  of being in salvation, just being free to live fully.  Oh, I love this so much. First of all, thank you.  You are an inspiration. I’m so proud you guys. This is my brother.  Something that came up for me was what you said towards the end that she didn’t even get her PhD.

Like she was a month short of getting her PhD, but she was able to do everything she thought she would only be able to do after the PhD before because she didn’t wait. And a lot of the people, I hear a lot of the way that we think is once the kids grow up, once my husband retires, once I can actually take this when, you know, when, you know when Mashiach comes type of thing.

We don’t actually believe it’s possible now.  And so we talk ourselves into this like waiting period. Like, okay, if it’s not possible now, then there’s nothing to do and therefore I have to just hold it or put it aside. Or just push it out.  But what you’re saying is. There is something to do right now, and maybe it’s not the full thing, and maybe you don’t wake up one morning and now you’re suddenly speaking in all these universities and giving all these classes because honestly, that’s not how things work anyway.

Even if she got her PhD until she got all of these places going, and until she would get it moving, it also would take about two years to like move and get off the ground. So the belief that we have that like it’s all gonna work out at a certain point is never true. And also, once you realize there is what to do, you start by the little baby steps, like you said, go to trainings, you know, start the website, start the, the videos that she made, which touched everyone.

I cannot explain to you, but like  everybody, I say Tze’ela Gez to starts to cry like it touched everyone all over the world. I have clients in Australia. I have clients in the uk. I have clients in America. I have clients in Israel. I have people I talk to from everywhere, Italy and France and whatever. It’s so fun. So fun that I get to talk to so many people from all over the world.

Everybody I meet in person or on Zoom tells me she touched me and I don’t even know her  because she was willing to do the little baby steps it takes to get there. And that is a huge thing. And like you said, that is expansion. The expansion comes from the understanding that you are not limited to a one day dream.

You can take steps right now to start moving it forward.

I was thinking even like you said, you know, you’re, you whole, you have a whole movement of Aliyah and support the people who came on Aliyah, people who want to make Aliyah. And I’m thinking to myself from the moment a person decides that they’re going to make Aliyah, they don’t just say, okay, so next year I’ll make Aliyah.

I’ll deal with it then no, they start to get excited about it. They start to talk about it, they start to research, they start to ask questions. They start to move in the right direction so that when they actually go and do it, they’re already prepared. They already have everything done. It’s almost more exciting the looking forward to it than the actual thing.

And could you imagine like if we took that as an example, like, okay, next year, you know, and this date, that’s when I’ll start doing research. Like, no, but that’s when you have to actually start taking action, you know, like it doesn’t work like that. So I really like the way you pinpointed the point of expansion is when you give yourself permission to want it now.

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly, feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one-on-one private coaching is for, and I want to invite you, just you and me.

For a free deep dive discovery call, this is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations.  With practical steps,  the call is free and so valuable in itself.

So go book yours today. Now back to the show. 

  And I think that a lot of people that have big dreams, they’re also perfectionists because they have their dream very, like clear in their head, but then they don’t know what the steps are to get there. So in order to build the steps to your dream, it’s a messy process. You just have to take action.

Even if it’s small steps, it’s always better to take massive action. But also small steps are amazing and as long as you have that momentum going and you keep just pushing things, just start coming back at you. So it’s, it’s very exciting that she would be like, well, I’m trying to do this like cooperation with other people about certain things in the business to try to, like, I’ll help you get people, you help me get people.

Let’s try to figure it out. And some people were like, no, you’re still so small, why would I help you? And she’s like, that’s okay. And then she would still help those bigger people when she had like somebody that she could help, but then she saw that maybe they can help them better. She would actually refer them and she would tell ’em, Hey, listen, remember we said we would work together?

Okay, don’t worry about that. I have a client for you that I think would be perfect ’cause I know that this is your area of expertise. I really thought of you and I just wanna give you this. And they’re like, oh, wow, you’re so nice to me. And you’re like really there for me? And it was just like giving, giving, giving.

Don’t think of getting jealous or who cares. Like there is so much to go around. It’s like abundance. When you know that there is so much water in the ocean, what do you care that somebody else is taking buckets and buckets of it? There is an ocean out there. That’s what I’m saying, like, don’t feel like there’s not enough to go around.

There is so much to go around. Everybody that’s out there and taking, they’re able to take for themselves and to give everybody else around them. So I think that the more all of us think in abundance, we’re all gonna be able to help each other. That’s the whole point. Like, you want to be rich because you wanna be able to help people also, you don’t wanna just be rich for yourself.

So like, if you think of money as something that’s gonna help you to help everybody around you, like your immediate family and your extended family and your community and, you know, different projects that you want to support. If you have the money, you can help more people. So like everybody should be in the abundance mindset and not the scarcity mindset and have the growth mindset not fixed.

So I think it goes together like don’t be stuck. Like the book Who Moved My Cheese, where the one guy, he is like this mouse and he is like, oh, the cheese moved. Now I’m just gonna wait around and see if it comes back. Don’t be with a fixed mindset, be with the growth mindset like the other mouse that he’s like, well I’m gonna go look for more cheese.

And then he finds better cheese and then the cheese moves again and he finds even better cheese. The more you move around and you see that things are moving and you move with them, the more you’re gonna feel like you’re expanding and you’re growing and you learn new skills and you learn new ways  to deal with difficult things.

And then you grow and you get to the next level. And when this tragedy happened to me and my wife is murdered next to me and it’s tragic, and then the baby dies two weeks later, it’s tragic. I felt like, wow, Hashem is taking me from let’s say like level five to level a hundred. Like, what is going on here?

How am I like, but then I realized if this would’ve happened to anybody else in my community, I don’t think they would’ve been able to manage. I think they would’ve just exploded, like internally and, and externally, whatever. Because I think that God had mercy and said, you know what, I’ll do it to Chananel because I know Chananel can handle it.

How can I handle it? Well, because my whole childhood, I’ve been moving around.  We have been moving around our whole childhood. Every like two years. We moved to a new country, a new language, a new culture. It was crazy, but it was also very amazing because we kept growing and growing. Socially, you’re like, okay, making new friends, okay, gotta make new friends.

You become very sociable. You become very bubbly. And then you gotta get rid of your friends. Not that you choose to, but this is what the circumstances are. Your parents are telling you, you’re like seven years old. Like, okay, we’re moving here now. Okay, you’re nine years old. We’re moving here now. Like, okay, gotta say bye to my friends.

Gotta part ways. And you learn how to like, okay, I guess we’ll try to keep you in touch. You don’t really keep in touch, but who cares? Like, you realize that things are dynamic, things are always changing, and if somebody thinks that everything is gonna stay the same, they’re gonna have a bad time on this world because they’re gonna think that everything needs to stay the way it is and they’re not gonna flow with the waves.

Like the waves keep changing. You gotta also keep changing. It’s always happening. Everything is, you gotta roll with the punches. I’m not saying it’s easy, it’s not easy, but this is how you grow from. Every situation in your life, because some things are gonna be amazing and you should be celebrating those great things, and some things are gonna be horrible, and you should learn how to cope with those things and try to find humor in them as well, and try to find good things in them.

And so that’s why I feel like even in this terrible, crazy situation, I’m trying to find like funny things to say about it and just try to laugh about it because you’re gonna go through it anyway. So I still like say, all right, now I’m the father and the mother. So now anytime we have any marriage issues, I work it out very quickly in my head. 

Like, you know, the father and the mother were like one now. So it’s like, whatever I decide this is what is gonna happen because hey, father and mother and my kids, they love to say, well, Ima says like this. And I’m like, well, I’m sorry, not anymore. You know, like, but like I do give them that place of like, okay, you know, what if Ima used to say that, let’s just do that anyway.

Fine. But like. Sometimes I would go with them and sometimes I would say, all right, but now it’s time to go to sleep, so we have to finish whatever. So I think that like you can still find humor in everything, even in the most tragic things. And I think that being happy, being humorous being hopeful, being full of faith, all these things are going to help you to cope with everything.

And I love that thing that some standup comedian, he said, I don’t even remember who, but he said. In life. You’re either going through a life crisis right now, or you just went through a life crisis, or you’re about to go through a life crisis. So get ready. And it’s very funny because it’s true, like what do you think life is just like the straight line and everything is just happening.

Same thing with business, same thing with everything. Like it’s very messy. Things just suddenly happen. You don’t know when the next terrible thing’s gonna happen to you, but you gotta brace yourself. You gotta prepare for the worst and just like run it through your mind. Like, what happens if this happens?

What happens if that happens? Okay, I hope it doesn’t happen. But if it does, I guess I’ll have to learn how to cope with it. And I think that because I also grew up with faith and with the Torah, and learning all the stories of the people in the Torah, like Yosef Hatzadik that he went through such terrible things. 

With his brothers betraying him and throwing him in a pit. They wanted to kill him, and then they sold him to be a slave. And he is like a slave. Like, how can you find anything good in that? And he still found something good, even on the way down to Egypt, he is in a carriage.  And it’s like the worst feeling ever.

Like my brothers just sold me. Like you, you are already anticipating like a life of doom and gloom. Like you’re probably gonna be a slave for the rest of your life. And he still found a way to say, you know what, everybody always goes down in a carriage full of like this smelly  leather of hide of animals.

And here he was somehow in a carriage full of this very good smelling spices. And he saw that as God saying, I’m here with you. Even in the worst of times I’m here with you. And even for me, when we were on the way to have the baby, like moments before we were shot at. This is like a minute or two before I was so excited with my wife to have a baby and I was telling her, wow, we’re counting the Omer.

And today we just counted 32, which is the equivalent in gematria of, of Lame Bet, which is lev like the heart. What’s a better day in the year to have a baby than to have it when you just counted Lev er right before a Lobo er. So we were so like happy and romantic and excited and it’s like such a beautiful day to have a baby.

And then just, you know, an hour later the doctor’s telling me, listen, your wife is dead. And I’m like, okay, okay. Well  this is actually the best day he could have chose to do this. And I tell this to my friend that came to support me. And he’s like, how can you say this is the best day he could have done this to you?

You just heard your wife is dead. And I’m like, yeah, but it’s Laed, Bela Omer. I know that Hashem, his whole heart is with me. He is fully with me. And that was a choice that I made instead of saying, well, my whole heart is crushed. You know, you can take it any way you want, but you can still choose that I am choosing to live.

I am choosing to be optimistic. And it’s a choice you make. So just like Dr. Vitor Frankl wrote the book, man, search for Meaning, and he says, between stimulus and response, there is space. And you can still choose how you wanna react and how you wanna respond to any situation in your life. You give it meaning and you can choose how to take it.

So I choose to say, all right, well Hashem did this to me. He knows what’s good for me. He knows that this is probably the best thing for me, and this is good somehow, I don’t know how, but everything he does is for the good and he’s merciful. He could have given her 10 years of cancer treatments. And who knows what terrible things we could have gone through. 

And then my kids would’ve seen their mother go through pain of 10 years and who knows what. But instead, they saw their mother going through such beautiful, like helping everybody and strengthening everybody. And she was like in the emergency team of anything that happens. And she was the first one to be on call and to go to families that lost somebody and to help people through the, the 7th of October, all the families that were all heartbroken and anxiety and panic and everything.

And she’s like, here, I’m here for you. I’m loving you. And it was a beautiful thing for me and my children  to see such a vibrant young woman full of life, full of hope, full of giving, and always trying to do everything to help everybody and to help herself, to always grow and to be happy, and to look at the bright side and to deal with a lot of difficult things.

Both for herself and for everybody She took care of. I mean, she was always thinking how to continue to expand, how to continue to grow. And this was a teamwork of me and her together. And I don’t take any like credit for myself for everything she has done. I was just like this very quiet person from outside trying to like push her to keep going. 

And that was obviously very helpful for her because I was more with the kids and she was more with everybody that she was doing. But obviously she had also time for the family and for the kids. So it was a team effort. So I feel like we can always grow from any situation. And it’s always a choice.  Yes.

Oh, okay. So one thing that comes up for me is Dave mason wrote a book called Hurry Up and Fail. You were talking about, you know, things are going to change, things are going to happen, and instead of just holding on, waiting for the right time or for the right moment or for the right thing to come to you, he says, just hurry up and fail.

Go look for the dead end. Okay? Now you know this is not the way. Now go do another thing. Now go. And the faster you can fail at something, the faster you will learn what yes to do. And instead of, you know, waiting for the perfect website, go and build something that fails and flops and doesn’t work, and then try again and figure it out.

It is such good advice and it’s something that you were talking about. Take action. And you listeners, I want you to be very, very attentive here because when you take action, you are expanding, you are opening yourself up to possibilities. You know, if you stay home and cry, and if you’re all like I don’t wanna do anything, then nothing happens.

So then it sort of like feeds itself ’cause nothing’s happening. If you are like feeling really down and you go for a walk, you go out of your house, you start to wander. You don’t know where you’re going, you don’t know what you’re doing, but at least you got out. You took steps towards something out there that is never ending because out there is huge. 

Who knows who you’re going to meet, who knows who’s going to be, you know, on the way in the corner waiting for something, waiting for the bus, and you get a smile or you get to talk. Sometimes it changes your mood so quickly when you get out and you take action. So I really love that. I love that you’re saying to be dynamic.

It was a very big takeaway for me. Also  the point about the money being an amplifier. So Yael Truschisais a a money coach and she talks about that a lot. When you have this belief that money is going to ruin my life or money is going to change me in some way or money is going to take away my connection to God.

’cause when I’m poor, I talk to God all the time ’cause I have to have him. But when I’m rich, maybe I’ll lose that.  That is, by the way, something I used to think and I had to work through.  But it’s actually the opposite. Money is just a tool, it’s an amplifier. And so if you are a good person, it will amplify the goodness that you have the capacity to do.

And if you’re a bad person, it’ll just amplify your badness. It’s like it’s not gonna really change you, it’s just going to give you more power. The ability to do more.  And then I was this summer I went to this camp in New York called mesora and, and Cap Mesora. I got to talk to a lot of children and a lot of teens and it was very inspirational for them.

And I felt like, wow, I’m doing them such a service that I’m preparing them for life and all the messiness that goes into it. And you’re always thinking like, this is the trajectory of my life and this is what I’m gonna be doing with my life. And things change and they can change very drastically. But if you have a positive mindset and you have resiliency, then you’re able to push through all these terrible situations.

And feel like there is still hope. And they were telling me, you should totally start like classes online and you should totally start like this Zoom meeting once a week or once a month and inspire people and we’re even willing to pay for that just so we have a connection to you and everything you teach about having faith and being positive.

And I was like, well, yeah, I would probably call it like Emunah land because I feel like a lot of people are in Lala land that like, oh yeah, everything is fine and whatever. We’re just gonna do like a regular life. And it’s like you’re living in Lala land, living in Emunah land because things are gonna get crazy and you’re gonna need that Una, you’re gonna need that faith.

So I actually did open up this WhatsApp community called Amuna Land and I’m just trying to like just get people involved just so they can feel like they can jump on a Zoom call once a week or once a month. We’ll figure it out.  And just have like something that everybody can grab onto and it can give them a boost.

And it can give me a boost too. Like it’s just for everybody.  Yeah. Wow. I love that. I love it. You know, at the Shiva I heard you speak about you know, the story of someone coming into a store and hitting the,  the, the, the whatever it was. Can you tell that a little bit? The vessels? Yeah, yeah, sure. So at the Shiva, somebody actually came to me like on the first or second day and they told me this mid rush, this thing that sages say that there was a guy that had a store with a lot of vessels like vs.

And just big beautiful different ornaments and somebody came into the store and asked, how do I know this is actually good quality? Maybe it’s not really good, you know, and the store owner takes a big stick and starts to hit these vs.  And these things and, and they don’t break. And so the guy tells me, what do you think?

Do you think that this guy would hit the ones that he knows would break or would he hit the ones he knows are not gonna break? Obviously he’s gonna hit the ones that he knows are gonna stay strong and not gonna break. Same thing with Hashem. If he chose you to hit you so hard that you lost your wife and your baby, like critical condition between life and death, you understand that God believes that you are strong enough.

So show him that he’s right. And I was like, absolutely. I’m gonna show him that he’s right and that I am strong enough and we’re gonna pull through. And it’s very hard. It’s very hard. Even so we are going to pull through as a nation and nobody can break us. And individually in our personal lives, every one of us has their own bag  of difficult things they’re going through and we can all go through it because if,if Hashem gets you through to it, he’ll get you through it. 

It’s as simple as that. Yeah. You know, that story helped me a lot. In the beginning I was driving a lot. There was a group of all sister-in-laws that lost someone. So it was interesting ’cause I was the only sister-in-law that lost a female relative, like my sister-in-law was female.

Everyone else, it was male.  And most of them were soldiers. So it was, it was really fascinating to be part of this group and really get that sisterhood of people who get it. It was very, very good, but because it was a half hour drive each way, I used to give rides to people, and as I’m giving rides to people, it comes up like, oh, where are you going?

I am going to a sister-in-law grieving support group, and Oh, really? Who was your sister-in-law Tze’ela Gez.  So they were saying, wow, I didn’t even know her, but I felt it here. You know? And they were starting to tell me where they were when they found out. And I was driving here and my mother called me here and whatever, and it’s like, you don’t even know her, but you were so touched and it every time over and over again, it was just beautiful.

 And the thing that came up for me every time I said, yeah, thank God we were chosen. And they were like, what?  You know, I, I just, I really feel like it was a privilege to be chosen because  I got to experience so much of that oneness that we’re all together in this, that there is no such thing as, oh, is she the people I know or is she someone I don’t know, or is she one of us or is she not one of us?

Like, no, it was completely  all one.  Everybody and anybody that got on always start telling me how it was like, I felt like she was my best friend and I never even met her. You know, I felt so, so attached. I don’t know why, you know, I prayed so much for the baby. Like everybody had what to say. And I felt so privileged to be part of that unity of, of this nation.

It was absolutely incredible. Another thing that happened was I gave a, a young teenager a ride, and we started talking and she said, no way. Just last week, your brother gave me a ride. 

And it turns out you were with our parents driving towards me or something. You gave her a ride on the same route that I was giving her a ride and she put this together. I was, was like blown away. And I thought that was so funny. First of all, she said too, she’s like, you guys are so similar.

 You’re such good people, you know? And it was just so really cute. The  obvious, not random, but very random things that happened.  That was very cool.

Yeah. That’s very nice. We always have a choice. We can still continue to be kind to each other and be,  you know, compassionate to each other and also to ourselves.  Yeah. Yeah. And I think that was so powerful. You know, you could be in your own little bubble being like, I don’t want anybody in my car.

I’m in the middle of being grouchy. And like, no, I stop for people. I let them on. I talk to them, I make them feel comfortable, and, and they know me enough that they can put the two and two together. You know, it’s a real gift for people. And I can say also that even our parents they would say that they’re shocked and they’re like, where did this guy get all this faith in Emunah from?

Like, how is he so strong? And I’m like, Abba, Ima, it’s from you. And they’re like, no, we were never such believers, like in such tragedy. And I’m like, of course you are. You don’t even realize it. Like, we’re  living in such a strong way because you raised us that way. And also you sent us to the right schools.

You sent us to schools that are gonna teach us. How to love hashem and how to love each other, and how to continue to  put our best foot forward, even in the hardest, most craziest times. So it’s okay. Like you can take some credit as our parents. And I think that that’s why we came out the way we did, because we felt like this is the right way to live, to help each other and to be good to each other.

No matter what situation you’re in, you can always help somebody else. And I feel like now I have new tools of helping people. Like if I’m going through something so crazy, it’s because Shem says, all right, now you’re gonna feel it in your own  bones, and now you can help other people. So it’s just always giving and giving and that’s how you grow by giving.

Yeah, I love it. So I’m thinking the people who are listening,  they thank God, hopefully  are not going through such crazy stuff. They have regular day things, you know, the things that bother you, the things that get annoying, the things that irk you. And then you’re like, well it, you know, I don’t know, maybe if it was this like big gigantic trauma, I’d have to like have that space of making a decision.

Am I going this way or that way? But like, and the little day things, it almost doesn’t feel like we have a choice. ’cause it’s like, this is irking. So I get irked and this is annoying. So I get annoyed and this is frustrating. So I get frustrated.  How do we build that muscle even in the little things?

So I think that this is something that we all go through. We’re all going through like small and big things all the time. So I think that the most important thing is to breathe into it and say, all right, what am I feeling right now? I’m feeling frustrated. Okay, what can I do with it? I can say in my own life, like I have days where I’m really sad and I’m really depressed, and I’m thinking, I don’t wanna be depressed.

I don’t want to be sad. So what do I do with that? And then I think about what is gonna make me happy? And I say, well, maybe in like two, three years or whenever it’s gonna happen, maybe sooner, maybe later. Hopefully one day I’m gonna get married to somebody new and it’s gonna be very special and I’m gonna be so happy and it’s gonna be like such a happy day for me.

And hopefully many days after that, also gonna be very happy to have a mother for the children in a beautiful home and everything. And I’m thinking, that’s gonna make me so happy. So why don’t I just take that happiness from the future and, and pull it to now? And that really helps me to get out of a rut.

I think that it doesn’t have to be with big things either. It could be like, well, I’m stuck in traffic now, but I can still think about where I’m going and how I’m gonna have fun when I get there. Even if it’s gonna be in like 20 minutes or a half hour, whatever it’s gonna be. But like, okay, I’m stuck in a traffic jam because this is the only way I’m gonna get there.

If I had another route, of course I would take another route. If I can’t, then I’m just going to put some music on and enjoy this half hour that I have to be stuck here. Or I’ll call a friend or I’ll call my grandma or my sister or whoever and start just enjoying this time and making the best of this, not such a great experience. 

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I really want all of us to  be able to internalize it, and sometimes there’s this block of like, yeah, that’s good for him because he has the tools or he has the situation or whatever. It’s like, no, no, no. You guys don’t realize this is here for you to pause and think, how can I.

Internalize what I’ve just heard. How can I change one little tiny reaction? How can I create a little bit more space in that gap between the stimulus and my reaction, right?  There is a beautiful gap that you can stretch, like we’re talking about expansion, expand that space and give yourself the calm,  cool, and collected attitude of like, I can choose what I wanna do right now.

Huh? Look at that. Nothing bad happened if I didn’t respond within, you know,  a millisecond. What if I take three seconds to respond? You know, what if I say, let me think about it. Whatever it is that is causing you to wanna automatically explode back. See if you could try to play with that space. ’cause that’s really where the expansion is going to come from. 

I wanna say that, like you said, like, oh, we don’t have the tools. Well, you have a brain, so you have the tool of a brain, and you can put the right things in your brain, and you can live in the right frequency. If you’re gonna be in a low frequency and really low about stuff, yeah, you’re gonna live in a low frequency, but you can still choose to say, all right, you know what, what, what would I do if I was like, excited?

Like if I know somebody that’s really happy, this somebody that’s really happy and excited and, and is able to go through this, what would they do? How can I emulate them? What can I do the same as them? It doesn’t have to be that you actually go meet with them or talk with them. Of course, that could also help.

But even in your own brain, you could  play a mind trick on yourself and say, all right, this is my time to, to step up and do the best I can, and it’s not gonna be easy, but it’s gonna be worth it.  Yeah, totally. And also give yourself permission to be where you are. Like we said before, you don’t have to force it to change if you’re, you know, yesterday I had one of these days where I was just like, I don’t feel like doing anything.

I just wanna sit here and mope. It’s so, I did  and it was fine because look, today I’m feeling way better,  you know, and giving myself permission to sort of like pause and not have to get anything done allowed me to get so much done afterwards. So, I highly recommend you give yourself permission to be where you are. 

This was so much fun. Thank you for being my guest. This is a real, real privilege. I feel like everyone is pulling at you for attention and like, here come speak here. Come speak there. And like you became all  famous, and then I’m like, oh, I wanna,  so thank you. Thank you for blessing us with your presence.

How can people get in touch with you? How could they join the Emunah land?  WhatsApp group or anything that you do in the future?  So definitely I’ll send you the link so you can send it around in your podcast. And of course, if people wanna reach out and talk, I mean, I’ll send you my phone number. Also, I don’t care that people get in touch with me.

I mean, you have my number  and thank you also for your, all, all your support throughout the years. I mean, you’ve been an amazing older sister and I appreciate everything that you always keep helping with. So thank you. You’re welcome. Oh  uh,  all the links will be down below. And also if you join our email list, you will get an email with all the links and you’ll be able to click ’em and follow through. 

Don’t forget to be connected for real. And thank you so much for listening.  All the best. Thank you very much.  Welcome.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.