33. Midlife & Marriage with Brenda Hewlko

February 2, 2022

In This Episode

Brenda Hewlko is a happily married coach and founder of Women at Pause. At 64 years old, Brenda shares her secrets to marriage and beating the midlife crisis. Through her business, she mentors women to find their passion and improve other aspects in their life. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen and Brenda are wise women who have similar values when it comes to marriage. Listen to this episode to learn how investing in yourself, no matter what age you’re in, and focusing your attention on what you want can help you breakthrough in your marriage and life.

Highlights

00:56 Brenda Hewlko founded Women at Pause for women in their late 40s, usually starting at perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause, late 40’s and beyond, to get really clear on who they are at midlife, what they need, and what they want. She started this after going through these changes herself to find a new passion.

12:40 There was a time in Brenda’s life where she knew a lot of people getting divorced. However, from experience, she and her mentor found that people who divorce regret it about 10 years later. It is important to make time to find what’s working and not working. It all begins with good communication with your husband.

16:33 Marriage takes a lot of work. G-d can help you turn any situation around, even a mediocre marriage. 

18:13 Rebbetzin Bat-Chen helps people are in amazing marriages and help them break through to even higher levels.

19:26 Women often can think their husbands need to make them happy but it’s only when you work on yourself that your marriage can improve. We are going to have tough times but we should always remember to be kind to ourselves too.

27:39 Uninterrupted alone time with your husband is essential. Plan a trip or book a hotel room, and leave the kids with family or friends. You need this!

35:11 Rebbetzin Bat-Chen launched the FLOW Mastermind, which focuses on four pillars that have to really work in order for you to be in that flow state. Her other Mastermind is called the FLY Mastermind, which focused on marriage for a fulfilling life.

40:55 Investing in yourself means continuously growing and evolving. Whatever you put your attention on grows stronger in your life.

Links

Brenda Hewlko: Website

FLOW Mastermind – A Business Mastermind for an Integrated Life

FLY Mastermind – A Marriage Mastermind for a Fulfilling Life

5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Marriage Breakthrough Retreat

Let’s Connect!

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For more information about Connected for Real, visit the website!

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REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Welcome to the Connected For Real Podcast! I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business, and my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let’s get started. The following is one of the many conversations I had with experts and professionals about real life and how it affects marriage. Let me know your takeaways on Instagram or Facebook, @connectedforreal. Enjoy.

And we are live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real Podcast. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me is Brenda, and I love the name of her business. So, Brenda introduce yourself and tell us what the name is.

BRENDA HEWLKO

All right. Thank you. My name is Brenda Hewlko and I’m in Canada, the central part of Canada, and the name of my business is Women at Pause—P-A-U-S-E. I deal with women usually starting at perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause, late 40’s and beyond, and we get really clear on who we are at midlife, what we need, what we want—many of us are looking for a new passion. Most importantly, I create community because community is extremely important, particularly at this age and stage in life my motto of my program is Women grow through connection

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Oh yes, and my business is Connected for Real, so we are definitely on the same path here. I love it. So tell me more about this age group because today we’re talking about midlife and marriage, and how they sort of affect each other. What do you see starts to happen suddenly when women turn into their 40s and start to find themselves again? Because there is a big shift when you’re in the beginning of those little kid stages or figuring yourself out and then suddenly you’re like, “Oh, I’m in a new stage. What do I do now?”

BRENDA HEWLKO

That’s a great question because first of all, I want to share with you is the reason I started this program was because I really floundered. I felt really stuck and it started to happen in my late 40s and I didn’t know what was happening, and to be very honest, I was really confused and I also was almost embarrassed about how I felt because number one, I had a really good life. I had a really good husband, a good marriage, my kids were doing fine. I mean, yes, we have problems, absolutely, and we had some big challenges in our life like most people do, but I couldn’t understand what was going on with me and when I finally figured out and it took a long time to be quite honest, I remember waking up one morning. First of all, I’m going to tell you how I felt. The feeling inside was a flat feeling. I had always worked as a mom but I always put my family first, so I worked my business all around and I’ve been self-employed probably since the age of 25, 26 and I had actually been in a business at that time for about 33 years and it really fulfilled me. I loved it. I did very well and then something was starting to change and what really fulfilled me no longer was and I couldn’t figure out why. We’re probably the same. We read every book. I remember even hiring a therapist and you have to remember, 13 years ago most women didn’t talk about going to a therapist. Actually, [it] was more than 13 years ago. [It] was probably 15 or 16 years ago. I found this therapist who helped women get unstuck in their career and I learned a lot about myself there, and I remember after working with her getting some stuff cleared out. I woke up in the spring and I was still feeling this flat feeling. I wasn’t depressed. I even remember going to the my doctor and saying, “I don’t know. Am I depressed?” And she looked at me in my eyes, “No, you’re not depressed,” and I remember going through a very short depression in actually shortly after I got married, and it wasn’t the same as this and I will never forget one morning I woke up. It was in the late spring and I was getting dressed and I had that feeling again. When I got out of bed, I just—“Ugh,” and I couldn’t describe it and I just remember buttoning up my blouse looking out the window and I remember I was wearing this leopard skin blouse—I wish I would have kept it because it’s back in style and I had that feeling again and I said to G-d—I said, “G-d, if you help me get out of this—find a way out of this, I will do whatever I can to help other women do this.” I don’t think I even said the word women but maybe people. Now, did some miracle fall down from the sky and pull me out of this right away? No, it didn’t. It still took me a while and later that summer, I picked up a book like I always do. I used to read those Chicken Soup for the Soul books in the summer because they were short and when I was with the kids at the cottage. You could just read one chapter and pick it up and I read this chapter about a woman who helped people all through the world find passion in their life and she actually had a career. She would stand on stage with famous people and share her message with the Dalai Lama, with Jack Canfield and all these big thought leaders at the time and I don’t know what it was but I thought, “Who is this person?” And she had written a bestseller. I went down to my office in the basement and my computer and I googled it and I phoned the bookstore and I said do you have this book in stock called the passion test and they said, “Yes,” and I said, “Put it under your counter. I’m coming to get it right now,” and I did. It was in august. I drove to the store picked up another book and when I started to read it. It just clicked. I no longer had passion for what I was doing in my life. It was big. I didn’t even have the word for it, and so I took the course. I was coached, and during the third coaching session—and [in] this course, I had a private coach. All I can say is I had a download at that moment when I got really clear about what was really important to me and what I’d love doing in my life. This download came over me and I remember I had I had a tablet or a notebook right next to me and I picked it up and I wrote coaching women at midlife and then I wrote the word transitions dot, dot, dot. I had no idea what that meant and that actually was the start of what I’m doing today.

And I just want to tell you another little story—is I remember I was always tired and honestly, and that moment I felt like someone injected jet fuel into my veins. I remember my neighbor was moving that next day and I was really grieving about her move because she was a really close friend. She was like my kids’ second mom. If the kids got locked out or you were in a pinch, that’s where you went. That’s who you called and vice versa. I was so sorry she was moving. She was only moving across town. It was like she was moving to the other part of the country but anyway—and I remember I was so excited. I ran into her home and her house was empty. She’s doing the blast cleaning and I said, “Karen,” I said, “I’m good. I found another new business,” and she said, “Oh, that’s nice,” and I said, “I’m gonna help women find passion in their life. That’s what’s been wrong with me.” And she was very successful in the psychological field. She had her niche and I was just waiting for her to be so happy for me and she said, “Well, Brenda you know, that’s nice. There’s always room for things like that in the world,” and I thought That’s it? Really? I’m just so excited and then I learned a lesson and that was I needed to be very careful who I shared this with. And so I started to share what I was going to do next with some trusted people, some friends and I would say how people are when they ask you what’s new and I’d say, “Well, I’m going to start something new. I’m going to help women find passion in their life,” and they would look at me and they would say, “What? When are you starting?” I said, “I don’t know. I think I need to get trained,” and they I would say, “Why?” And they said, “Can I be your first client?” And I’d say yes, and this kept happening and I remember I went to Safeway, which is our major grocery store in our neighborhood and I saw a client from my previous business that was still my business really in the parking lot and we hadn’t seen each other for a while. “Hello! How are you?” And I said, “Oh, I’m great. I’m starting a new business and I’m going to help women find passion in their life,” and she started to cry, and I remember I said, “Oh my G-d, Cheryl. What is wrong?” And she says, “Brenda, I’m so afraid. I’m retiring next year and I haven’t a clue what I’m going to do, and I am so scared. Can I come work with you?” And I remember this kept happening every day. I remember coming home one day, closing the door walking upstairs and my husband was home and I said, “I don’t know what the heck’s going on out there but I have stumbled on something and nobody is talking about it,” and they were all women in their late 40s and above and that truly was how Women at Pause was formed.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I love this in so many ways. First of all, I totally relate to your friend moving because my friend from across the street moved two blocks down okay but—

BRENDA HEWLKO

It feels like a country.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It is not the same. It’s you—can’t—you can’t go across two blocks just to get milk right. It’s like, “Ah! Why’d you go?” So I totally get you. I know.

The other thing I really love that you’re saying is all about the download and how the process of getting that download. We think that the second I click everything will just flow and I’ll be on my way and everything will be great no sometimes it’s about taking one step and then looking for the next little crumb that G-d puts for us right because he knows what the road is he’s guiding us and he’s just showing us like okay now take this step now the next step now the next step and you’re following these little crumbs until you finally get some big chunk and you’re like, “Okay, okay. Something’s going right. I’m on the right track I love it I love the way you described it by the way it’s very similar to my story when I finally stood in prayer and said G-d show me what you want because I have no idea that’s when three people on one day came and asked me for advice it was like this is what you need to be doing so it’s exactly how G-d works he shows you the path he throws you the little crumbs you start following and you trust and then it just starts coming and you get more and more in tune to what it’s trying to tell you and what G-d is pushing you towards and what is actually your purpose so I am so into your story. Tell me more.

BRENDA HEWLKO

So, I’m going to talk a little bit about marriage. I’m a lot older than you. I’m 64 and I’m proud to be 64. A lot of women won’t like to mention their age but I’m very proud to be 64, and of the things that I noticed where you are at. When we were in our early 40s late 30s, many of our friends were separating and divorcing. It was scary. My husband would come home because he was the one that was working outside the home or I’d come home from the skating rink or wherever I’d been with my kids or and I’d say, “Oh my G-d. Guess what I heard. So and so are separating,” and it was a frightening time. And actually, I remember this good friend of ours. He was a pretty prominent person in the small city that we live in had left. We were saying, “What?” and he was very busy. We all are busy—well, you’ve got seven children. I mean, I can’t imagine but we just laughed one day because she said to me, “Brenda, where did people find the time to have affairs and it was the truth. I thought, Where do they find the time to have affairs? But I had a mentor—I was really blessed I had a mentor that was put in front of my path. I could not have thought of this, planned it—never been really mentored in this way before, and one of the things that he told me is, “Brenda,” he said, “Every 10 years, there can be a real struggle in marriage,” and I thought about that for a long time and we’ve been married for 41 years. I honestly feel like I’ve won the lottery in marriage. I really do, but there’s a part of me that thinks I almost wish that we were obligated to take a refresher marriage therapy-counseling course every 10 years. We got married in the Catholic church. I was brought up as a Ukrainian Catholic. My husband was protestant and our priest said, “Well, if you want to get married in my church, then he’s got to come to marriage classes,” and so we went I had to pull him to these marriage classes but they were really great. They were really great and I think we all need some help every now and then however that might come, and unfortunately by the time of midlife, which is 50 and above, 60% of marriages fail. And one of the things that I find interesting that I heard by someone who is a lawyer is an accountant and now coaches people going through divorce—he was a divorce lawyer. I was listening to him I came across him on a podcast. He was amazing and he said that most people after they divorce—about 10 years later really regret it and I thought, “Whoa,” and I was having this conversation with one of my girlfriends who had also divorced at and it was about that 10-year period, and I told her this and she said Brenda I agree with that 100%. I wish I would have never divorced the first time, and so I think we really need to spend a lot more time on finding out what’s not working and working on how to make it work and I think it all starts with communication.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Oh I love that. I love what you’re saying. I’ll tell you why. There’s something so, so big that you said you won the lottery, you have an amazing husband and yet you still wish that there were tools out there for you and refresher courses and things that filled you up because that’s what marriage is all about. It’s about the work. It’s about putting in and getting out, and really enjoying the journey. And I feel like the biggest ticking bomb is those okay-mediocre divorces. It’s good enough not to get divorced but it’s not good enough to be counted as a good marriage, so you’re in that in between state. So it’s not bad enough that you’re gonna go do something about it—ask for help or get yourself some I-don’t-know-what counseling whatever. It’s not that bad but it’s also not good enough that you’re not feeling it. Something has to give and you live all in that low grade pain for so long that eventually, it wears you down and that’s really bad.

So I talk a lot about no more mediocre marriages because I think that’s the bigger problem bigger than the divorce rate because the divorce rate—so where you’re standing, you know what’s going on, you know to get help, you know that you need to turn it around, and I personally believe that you can turn any situation around because that’s what G-d is all about. You can come back from anywhere. It doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone. You can even single-handedly change your entire marriage by changing yourself, so that’s great.

And then on the other hand what’s going on with all the amazing marriages right because I’m also a lottery winner. I am a super duper lottery winner. I love my husband. I look back to see I was in that world of matchmaking and everybody was trying to match me up with the best guy because I was a pretty good girl. Everybody saw potential in me. They’re like, “Gosh, you need somebody big,” and I knew it too so I was saying I want the biggest best whatever, and I didn’t even realize how amazing my husband is until every time it just keeps getting better. And people are saying, “Oh, my marriage is good. I don’t have to go to your retreat,” and I’m like, “That’s why you have to go to my retreat because I’m actually talking to the good marriages.” I’m not talking to the ones who are so off the edge that you’re one foot out the door. Those are not my people. My people are the ones who are having an amazing marriage whose husband is amazing and they just want more they want bet they’re they don’t want to be stuck in that afraid of okay if I do anything it might change no get it to the next level break through.

BRENDA HEWLKO

I love that. I love that.

Here’s something. Here’s a commonality of women that come into my groups. I created a signature program after I got my passion and it’s a 12-week program called Women at Pause and then I have an alumni. And one of the things that I find is that women often can think that the men, their husbands need to make them happy or their job needs to make them happy but let’s stick with the marriage part, and I want to tell you that before I became a coach, my marriage was probably a seven out of ten. Some days are probably a four. Some days were nine but say, seven. It was a great marriage anyway. No, I’m going to say it was a good marriage. It was a good marriage and then when I started doing all this work on myself and got to know who I was, but most importantly got to really appreciate who I was, I became so happy with me, I stepped into joy that I had never experienced it to that height in my life before and that’s my goal with the women that come and work with me, and I always say the minute you feel this joy in you, you’ll know you will know. It feels very different you let me know because that’s like Hallelujah time for me—one more woman found joy. But the thing is, I’ll never forget I had a really close friend that we went to coaching school together right and we kept in touch with each other often after we graduated and we live in different countries and we spent a lot of time on the phone. And one day, she said to me, “Brenda,” she goes, “How’s your marriage?” and I said to her, “Stacy, most days now, it’s an 11 out of 10,” and she said, “So is mine.” And, here’s the thing my husband didn’t even know what the heck I was doing. I mean that book I read that I think changed my life—I said, “I just really want you to read this,” and I remember him reading it and I could tell—I’m looking at him as I’m walking by the couch that he was sitting at he wasn’t too interested. He did not have a clue what I was really going through inside but that was how my marriage changed. It started with me it started with me

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It’s magnetizing. It is so amazing and it’s I totally feel you, and isn’t it amazing that you can have friends who you say 11 out of 10 and they’re excited because they’re also there? And everybody is getting this new norm because the norm has become so low—if you’re still married that’s called a good marriage we’re in a place where you don’t give us we don’t even appreciate the ability to get to that 11 because it’s so out of reach or out of out of our—I don’t know. It’s just not there you don’t hear about it. You don’t see it. You don’t. Even you—don’t even wonder how to get there. You’re like, “I’m just good surviving here, making sure things are not shaky.” Why? Why live like that?

BRENDA HEWLKO

Exactly, exact. You have a choice. Our purpose in life is to be living in joy and fulfillment, not misery and suffering and I think it’s because we are human beings it’s not natural to think that we can be living in joy and happiness 24/7. We wouldn’t be human. We probably wouldn’t be mentally healthy if that happened. We are going to have tough times. We are going to have tough times in our marriage but I think I’ve been thinking about what am I going to tell you about my marriage since we spoke, and one of the things that I said to my husband—he laughed. One of the things—we have we have a lot of humor in our life, humor in our marriage, and he said to me—I said, “Hey, I’m going to be in this podcast and I’m talking about marriage successful marriage—what it takes,” and he says, “Well, do you think you’re qualified?” I said, “Why would you ask that? Is 41 years not enough?” and he said, “Well, don’t you have to have like two or three marriages to figure out what’s successful?” and I said, “Heck no.” [Laughs] But you know the thing is my two words or three words is just be kind just be kind to one another and that can mean many things.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yes. I want to add just be kind to yourself. That’s where it starts. First, you have to accept you. A lot of times, I realize that the problem is not my husband—is what is going on in my head that he’s thinking or keep believing. Like you said, you gave your husband the book. I was trying for years to show him what was helping me so he could come along. Like, “Oh, don’t you see the light? Come, come, come with me,” and I was dragging him and it was exhausting because here I was trying so hard because I had this belief in my head that the more I grow and he just stays behind, that’s going to create that gap and we’re eventually going to outgrow each other and I don’t want that so I was constantly trying to feed him all this coach-y stuff and trying to drag him along and, “Come on, come on. Grow with me.” It was making so much of a mess and it was just all about just [being] kind to yourself. Get out of the noise, get out of the loops, get out of all that junk and just live. And you were saying before, you become so magnetizing because a magnet just attracts everything to it when you’re happy and you’re in that sense a state of joy and you found your purpose and you’re doing your thing everything just comes along and it just becomes so easy. My husband is now [coming] along without me doing anything, and that’s because I finally let go and stopped trying to fix him.

BRENDA HEWLKO

Yes, exactly fixing people does not work I don’t know if a woman by the name of Byron Katie. She’s very famous.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yes. I love her.

BRENDA HEWLKO

Okay, so you know her work. And so I took some training with her and the thing that always sticks out is that there’s three businesses. There’s three businesses. There’s my business, there’s your business and there’s G-d’s business. Whose business are you in? And when we try and fix someone, we’re not in our own business and it takes a lot just to keep our own front steps clean without having to go into someone else and as you said before, I totally agree with you is that it takes so much energy away from you to try and fix someone else—or not even the word fix but even getting staying in your head because—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I’ll help you. I’ll help you with the wording. It’s called help and empower someone else. You make it sound really good you really want the best for them, you’re trying to get them out of their suffering and their stucknessisms and all these things—it really, really comes from a good place but when you stop and you get really clear on this is not my business I am not in charge of his happiness I’m not in charge of fixing whatever is going on in his life if anything I’m not showing up for myself and for my people when I’m doing that like you’re saying and this is something that I speak about a lot because I love Byron Katie. I love that she says that and I love that she brings G-d into it because there are things are not in our control and when you bring G-d into it, you solve 100% of the issues just by doing that.

BRENDA HEWLKO

Yeah, I’m going to give you one more tip. I’ll probably give you a few if we have time but I thought of this. I think it’s really important for couples to go away alone even for one night and do it often, and when I suggest it, particularly to those that are in their 40s, maybe disposable income isn’t there. They [say], “Oh, we can’t afford to go into a nice hotel or a B&B or a resort for a night or two,” and I always say, “You can’t afford not to. Take twenty dollars, thirty dollars out of each paycheck and hide it in a getaway account.” I think it’s really critical that you go away without your children, without friends, and just the two of you. All you need is one night. It’s that time together without distractions. It’s critical. You will always come back refreshed. Anytime we do it—and we’re empty nesters. We’ve been empty nesters for a long time. It’s still a big treat to leave right and whenever we come home—it could be a weekend to the next city, it doesn’t have to be far. [It] could be to a B&B like five miles out of town. It’s just like whenever we come home, we always say we got to do this more often and we plan the next one. It’s refreshing. It’s just refreshing to have uninterrupted time alone.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yes, and I want to. I wanna add to that. You’re talking about the lack of money and funds. I have friends who haven’t gone away ever because of their kids. You have kids. I’m in a community where we are not so far from average. The average here is eight and that’s the average. There are families here who have many, many children and there’s the younger ones that are growing and we’ll have two, three kids, four kids, five kids and you say, “What am I gonna do with my kids? How am I going to go away?” They feel so selfish for even thinking that they should go away that they never do. I cannot tell you how important it is.

I helped a friend of mine they she told me they never go away. They never went away. They never—nothing. When it came to their 15th anniversary, I said, “I will take some of your kids. Just go,” and so I took the girls and the different friends of the boys and they went for I don’t know—maybe it was three days, two nights. Something like that to the Dead Sea. It was such a life changer and the kids had a good time. We had a good time. Sometimes you think it’s not possible. Change that to how can that be possible? Ask G-d to just show you how can this be possible. Allow the creative thinking to start flowing because everything is possible. I know people who hire a grandma, somebody who is an empty nester, to come and live with the kids for a couple days. That’s a thing. You can actually hire. Did you know that? Isn’t that amazing?

BRENDA HEWLKO

No. That’s great.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

You can pay someone to come and babysit your kids and [it] is so cute. You can ask the neighbors, you can ask your friends. You can put every kid with his best friend to sleep over for a night. Nothing bad is going to happen. You are so caught up in this. It’s never going to happen that you don’t even think of how to make it happen, and that is something that is really big. You said, “Start saving money,” and I’m saying just ask. Just ask G-d to show you how this is possible.

I’ll give you another example. When we had the baby six months ago, I really had this feeling like I want to go get out. I just need that quiet because I had a home birth so I never really went away. I had the baby in my living room. I went into my bed and I pretty much stayed there for the next month and everybody just brought me food to my bed. It was a great, great time. I wish I could do it again because it was just that good. The birth was good, the kids were good, not leaving the house was great. The whole Covid thing was completely over my head because nobody had to check me and nobody had to bother me. It was the best. The best birth ever. I really enjoyed it and eventually I was okay, but I really need that being alone, that like get out of real life situation.

So I gave my husband a challenge figure out how we can get away and he’s [like], “What do you mean? We can’t even go to the hotels because we don’t have a green pass,” because with Covid, you had to have a green pass and the baby doesn’t have a green pass and that’s okay. Fine. So we had all these things come up and I was [like], “I don’t care how you figure it out. You’re a creative guy. You have friends. Ask your friends, ask your mentors, ask whoever. I don’t know,” but I just let it be. I allowed it to come in. Suddenly, we get this message from one of his close friends and mentors and he said, “Actually, we have an apartment that we lend out sometimes. You can have it for one night,” and it was really—that was amazing.

Now, we had just had a baby. It was maybe three weeks in, so we had this little tiny baby we took with us a little bassinet and all the food and just packed up and went to this empty apartment, and it was the best thing. We went for a walk by the beach, we made our own food, we sat there and ate with candlelight—just things that you never do and the baby was there fine. So I picked him up, I nursed, I changed he went to sleep, whatever but it was such a nice pause, and I love that you have pause in the name of your business because it’s such a big deal to just pause.

BRENDA HEWLKO

It is, right? It is, it is, and oh, I love what you’ve just said, and one of the principles I teach is that we often and I was there too—well, I don’t know how to do that. We don’t need to know the how. We just need to know the what ifwe get really clear in what it is we want and need the how will always show up if we’re on the right path.

I remember when I started this business. I was in a sales organization. Everything was done for me. Everything I just had to show up and do the work, and that was pretty darn freeing. I realized until I started my own and I didn’t know anything about technology, really and I remember in that previous business everything I did felt like I was paddling down the river against the stream. It was so hard but when I got really clear about what my purpose was and when I truly aligned with it, it was every time I came across an obstacle of Oh, I don’t know how to do that, something would always show up, and it was usually someone that I would be talking with. They’d ask me how’s it going. I’d say, “Oh, it’s great but—” and they would or sometimes they’d say, “Do you need some help with anything?” and I’d say, “Yeah, I need help with this,” and they said, “Oh, I can help you with that. Go and talk to so and so,” or, “I’ll do that for you,” and I’m just like, “How can this be so easy? I was then from going against paddling against the current.” I was on a life raft down the river and everyone was on the banks and they were just there to help me, and that’s how that you’re on the right path. The struggle is gone.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I call that being in flow and by the way my signature program is called the FLOW Mastermind because the FLOW stands for Finding G-d in everything, Loving your marriage, Optimizing your business and Welcoming your whole you because that is what it’s all about. It’s those four pillars that have to really work in order for you to be in that flow state—G-d, marriage, the business and you have to have all of those. You can’t ignore one and think it’s going to be okay.

BRENDA HEWLKO

Exactly, absolutely I just want to share one piece with you—that really—you were talking about marriages—that why should we just be in a marriage that’s just fine instead of being at great, but how do you get there? Because that’s often the challenge if a woman is feeling that way with a husband or vice versa, how do you get there?

And I will never forget this conversation I had with my mentor and he said, “You know what, Brenda? I’ve had 10 marriages,” and I’m like, “What?” No, he said, “I’m in my 10th marriage,” and I’m like, “You’re in your 10th marriage?” and he said, “Yeah, but to the same woman.” He said we can have many marriages but to the same person, to the same partner. It saves a lot of collateral damage and I just laughed and he said “You know when our marriage needs some work, we treat it almost like a board meeting. We need to have a meeting here. We need to sit down and talk about what’s not working in this marriage and we do, and we come to an agreement that satisfies both parties. We wrap up that old marriage in a box but put a big beautiful ribbon on it, put it on the shelf and we start a new one right there,” and I just thought that’s just the most fascinating thing. What he’s really saying is we just need to share how we’re feeling where we need support, particularly if you’re a very independent woman, where do you need help, what do you need most. Women at midlife haven’t a clue what they need. Most women hadn’t a clue what they need.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Exactly that’s one day one of my retreat by the way is connect to yourself. That is so huge because we do not have a clue. So, you come to him being like, “Well, you don’t satisfy any of my needs and any of my wants.” It’s like, “Okay, so what do you need?” “I have no idea. That’s the problem. I don’t know what I want.” You should know. It was like, “He should know.” Really? Right, that’s exactly what it’s like. Uh, no. He shouldn’t know. How is he supposed to know? It’s just absolutely amazing.

Tell us how people can find you they can find me at womenatpause.com and they can also come into a free private community and it’s called the Wise Women Café, and I just want to share this process that I was telling you about—that I went through to find new passion. I’m actually doing a standalone workshop on it. It’s a retreat a passion retreat and finding your passion and it’s on a weekend. It’s three and a half hours spread out throughout the entire weekend. So, you’ve got time in between to sit and think, to pause. You’ve got time to do some inner work and we come back. It’s Friday night, Saturday for 90 minutes, Friday night’s an hour, an hour and a half on Saturday and an hour on Sunday.

And my main work is my 12-week program and we have a new one starting at the beginning of February and they just need to contact me if someone would to chat with me. I’m more than happy to chat with them and see how I can help them, and yeah—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

That’s beautiful. I love it. So, is it womenatpause.com? Is that the website?

BRENDA HEWLKO

That’s right. Women at Pause. P-A-U-S-E dot com.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I love that and I mentioned my retreats I’m just gonna put up the link for you guys it’s Connected for Real.com retreat and it starts tomorrow, January 17th. If you’re listening to this after you are welcome to go to that link and you will find the replays connectedforreal.com/retreat for the Marriage Breakthrough Retreat. And that’s exactly what you asked you were asking before how do women break through to the next level and we actually go through the steps. And women have said—over 350 women went through this retreat and the feedback is just absolutely mind-blowing. One lady said that she went from okay yeah I’m probably gonna get divorced when the kids grow up to I can’t believe I said that oh my marriage is great, and then when we spoke it was like, “Oh, that’s why. It was from the Marriage Breakthrough Retreat,” so it was the first one in February and ever since then, she’s just been completely changing her life and that’s not just one lady. I just keep hearing it. Women are taking responsibility for their life. They’re taking responsibility for their marriage and really, that’s what it’s all about so I highly recommend it, especially when you have a good marriage. Connectedforreal.com/retreat

BRENDA HEWLKO

You’re doing such important work—so valuable and I just encourage everyone that’s listening to go, and I remember one of the women that came into my first group. She gave me a testimonial and she said it’s especially for women who think they don’t need it.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Ah, exactly. I love that. I love that. One of my friends shared it her group on WhatsApp and her friend wrote to her, “I don’t need it. My marriage is fine,” and she said to me, “What do I tell her?” I said, “Well, I’m happy you’re happy because I’m sure that you have nothing else to learn.” It really is—it’s for those women who are at an 11 and want to get to like a 20 because we’re extraordinary like that and we want to do everything amazing. We want our marriage to catch up. Everything should be amazing, not just our business, not just our passion, not just our purpose. Our marriage has to grow together with us.

BRENDA HEWLKO

Exactly, exactly, and if we are investing in ourselves, which is a must, we are always growing and evolving and that means there’s always something. Like, “Oh, I really could need some help with that,” and you just don’t know what you don’t know and it just changes everything. One thought—one thought can change everything. I just want to leave by saying anything you put your attention on grows stronger in your life, and if you don’t feel your marriages is where you want it to be, start pretending that it is what can you do. What you put your attention on grows stronger. If you’re thinking crummy thoughts about your marriage, it’s gonna grow that way. So, find the good things and concentrate on that.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I love that. I love that.

A while ago, I went to a marriage class. I was pregnant with my sixth or my fifth, whatever it was a while ago. I was talking to my mother on the way up the hill and I said to her, “I’m going to a marriage class. I’m really excited.” She says, “You? Why do you need that? You have such a great marriage.” I said, “That’s exactly why,” because I keep going to these things—because you have to be so invested in something to keep growing. Do you stop going to business coaching when you have a business just because your business is growing? No. You keep wanting to make it better. What’s different with your marriage? Your marriage is the core of your entire life. It spills over to everything you do, so it just makes sense that you would go and investigate and find and drink up everything there is to learn. I love that you said that.

BRENDA HEWLKO

You are so wise. You are so wise for your age. You really are.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Thank you.

I have to tell you this. I was gonna say goodbye but this is so cute that you said that. In the beginning, when I posted that this is what I’m doing on the local group or not local but just Israel, I wasn’t going far yet and I said, “This is what I’m doing. I’ll help you with your marriage,” and this one lady says, “I could be your grandmother. How will you help me?” and I was like, “Listen, I don’t think I can ever bridge the gap between our ages so I can grow older but you’re gonna be even older then so what’s the difference? You can hire me now or you can hire me then.”

I feel G-d put me in this very young body, and it was very hard for me because I was this wise even when I was a teenager and one of the biggest things I had to get over was being okay with being wise, being okay with having some answers, being okay with knowing that I can help someone. We were doing some work in the coaching program I was—I’m in, and she said something about what is it that you’re fighting against? You’re saying about going downstream. What is it that you’re still fighting against? And what came up for me was that I’m too high level and people who come and they want me, they’re like, you shouldn’t be high level. This doesn’t make any sense. They’re trying to bring me down to their reality and for a long time, I was trying to just adjust myself because that’s what you do. Growing up, you want to fit in. So, I was always trying to be normal like everyone else until I finally broke out of it and I was [like] guys, “I can’t change myself. This is what you get. You get high level. I can’t do anything low level. I don’t know how to water myself down. I can’t anymore,” and that’s when I started allowing it all to all come out and so I really appreciate that you said that because it’s so nice. It makes it feel really aligned with my—

BRENDA HEWLKO

It’s your gift. It’s your gift and that’s why you have it. It’s inside and that’s how you need to show up in the world and I’m so grateful that you are and what you’re doing and it is such valuable work and it’s just been a pleasure. It’s been a pleasure that we connected. My theme this year is to show up. Two words. Show up, show up, show up, and I’m showing up in different areas of my life. Maybe that’s what I’d to leave with is How are you going to show up? How can you show up today in your marriage?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Thank you everyone for coming. Thank you for listening. Thank you, Brenda. You have been amazing. I feel like we’re on a similar path—aligned. We’re working with similar women. We want you, you, the listener, you, we want you to live your best life, to be in touch with your purpose. We want you to live. That’s what this life is all about—is live from a place of abundance, from a place of good and joy, and not from a place of okay I guess this is what G-d wants for me, to suffer. No. G-d does not want you to suffer. G-d wants you to love and live and breathe and give and just be and I appreciate you coming. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you everyone.

And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don’t forget, you can be connected for real.

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