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In This Episode
Matressence is the process of a woman becoming a mother. Aside from the biological changes, women also experience emotional, social, and economic changes. Bayla Abdurachmanov is a mama on a mission. She helps new moms and moms of young children feel like themselves again after matressence. Learn her MEE Method and see how matressence affects marriage and business. If your husband is with you, let him listen in on this episode too. Bayla shares tips on how your husband can support you better so your marriage can become better as you become a new and improved version of yourself.
Highlights
00:58 Coach Bayla Abdurachmanov is an identity coach for moms and matressence educator, especially young moms and new moms.
01:29 Matressence is the process of a woman becoming a mother. A lot of times, we associate pregnancy with only physical changes. However, Coach Bayla explains that all areas of life are affected by motherhood, and this is backed up by science. Matressence lasts for a minimum of two years, and women change at each pregnancy.
04:06 There is what Coach Bayla likes to call an identity gap that new mothers experience, where a new mom questions why she feels like she isn’t herself.
06:48 It is important to remember that with every birth, we are shifting and moving forward to be better and not who we were before. We must embrace the changes that come with matressence.
07:08 In Rebbetzin Bat-Chen’s Marriage Breakthrough Retreat (Day 5) and Intimacy Master Class, she coaches women on how to focus on an ideal situation and become comfortable with change in order to succeed in one’s marriage and business.
09:50 The three step process on how women can deal with matressence is called MEE: Meet yourself where you’re at, Embrace the change, Embody the vision.
14:48 There is a similarity between the CALM Method that Rebbetzin Bat-Chen discusses in her Marriage Breakthrough Retreat with Coach Bayla’s MEE.
27:28 Dreams, children, and marriage should not be in competition with each other.
29:37 Time is your friend. When we focus on ourselves, time is not wasted or taken away from us. It gives us room to grow and create more space to love, just as what Coach Bayla experienced when she was pregnant with her youngest child.
36:33 There is an adjustment period in marriage that can easily be skipped when a couple has a child early in the relationship, and this can be a big stressor on marriage.
45:10 Listen up, husbands! Coach Bayla shares tips on how to support your wife during pregnancy.
54:14 Coaching in whatever aspect in your life can help you transform into your full potential.
55:32 Coach Bayla’s Awaken to You for Moms Podcast just launched on all major outlets for podcasts.
Links
Coach Bayla: Website | Instagram | Facebook | Awaken to You for Moms Podcast
Circle, Arrow, Spiral: Exploring Gender in Judaism by Miriam Kosman
5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Marriage Breakthrough Retreat
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REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Welcome to the Connected For Real Podcast! I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business, and my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let’s get started. The following is one of the many conversations I had with experts and professionals about real life and how it affects marriage. Let me know your takeaways on Instagram or Facebook, @connectedforreal. Enjoy.
And we are live. Welcome everyone. Yes welcome everyone to our live and podcast. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman. This is Eleazar, my baby and it’s Bayla. Bayla, tell us everything about you because this is an amazing fascinating podcast all about young mothers.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, so my name is Bayla Abdurachmanov. I am an identity coach for moms and matressence educator. If you don’t know what matressence is, don’t worry we’ll get into that. So I basically help new moms and moms of young children who are experiencing burnout to feel like themselves again and that is what I do.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
That’s amazing okay get into it because I want to know what is matressence.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes this is the question. What is matressence? So matressence is the process of a woman becoming a mother, and a lot of times we think that we get pregnant and we’re a mother, and we’re aware of the hormonal changes. We know about the hormonal changes. We know about some of the biological changes but this process is not just—there is the hormonal aspect. There’s the biological aspect. There’s the psychological and emotional aspect. There’s the social aspect, the economic aspect— motherhood impacts us in all areas of our life and so that’s what matressence is. It is the process of when becoming a mother. What scholars and researchers have discovered is that the brains of a mother look different than the brains of a woman who has not had children or of a man, and so that means that our brain actually changes on a biological level with each pregnancy and with each new child we bring into the world.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right. It definitely happens every single time you give birth because I have multiple kids and I feel a difference every time, like there is a transition.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, a hundred percent. So it happens every time you give birth. I think for a lot of moms, the first time would probably be sort of they notice it the most because there is that huge transition from not being a mom to being a mom, but there are the changes that take place every single time. So they the agreement is that it’s a minimum of two years matressence, where your brain is actually changing and these biological process are taking place, but some experts say it can actually last up to our entire lifetimes that our brain is still changing based on motherhood. So a lot of times moms will say, “I don’t get it. I feel so different.” Well, you feel different because you actually are different. Your brain is different. So it’s not just your body but your brain that changes as well. So that’s just a little insight into what matressence is.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, yes, yes, we feel different, and I’ll tell you the truth. In my community now, there’s a baby boom and thank God all these beautiful moms and they’re young and they have three kids under three or four kids under six or two kids under three or whatever. It’s just overwhelming and it’s hard for me to watch them because I’m like, “It’s part of the process, honey. It’s okay,” but it’s like, “Don’t tell me that.” It’s so hard to hear it’s normal to be tired. Allow yourself to just be in the moment and be present right now when it’s okay and it’s like, “No, I want it to go away. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to be feeling like this,” right? So there’s a real struggle. Let’s get into that because they need a little bit of strengthening up to do. They need help.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Definitely. So there’s a few things I want to bring up here. One is if we know that matressence lasts a minimum of two years I actually also did the three kids under—well, under four. My daughter actually turned four five days before my baby was born, and then I had my two-year-old in between. So I did that. But that means that it’s kind of like matressence on overload because you never give yourself a chance to get through what I call the identity gap. So as part of matressence because you are changing, not just your body—your brain is changing. You have these emotional changes and all these things going on, there is a change in your identity. Now we get that there’s a change in your identity when you become a mom. Yes, you’re taking on a new identity as a mother but it’s bigger than that. A lot of times a lot of moms will say, “I used to be xyz or I used to be able to do xyz. Why do I feel differently about that now? And it’s because there is what what I call the identity gap. So really it’s supposed to be an identity shift. We’re supposed to shift more smoothly into that identity but when we don’t have the guidance and we don’t know what’s actually going on with us, it’s harder to do that because we’re in this place of confusion. “Why do I feel this way I love my kids I’m in love with my kids I’m head over heels in love with them but at the same time why do I feel just so off and so not myself and so tired all the time and so overwhelmed” so there’s the identity gap, where you’re trying to make this identity shift, you’re going through this matressence but yet you’re changing yet again because, especially for the young moms that have a lot of children under three, four, five six years old, they have three or four children. It’s like matressence overload. So there’s that piece to it.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love it that you called it a gap because it really feels like a gap. It’s this real big gaping hole of like, “What is going on?” I’ve been there you’ve been there we’ve all been there. I don’t know anybody who hasn’t had that shock of, “Oh my gosh this is actually real right.” They talk about the fact that you forget things when you’re pregnant and you put the phone in the freezer and you put whatever, you’re talking you’re like, “Where are my glasses?” And around your face. It becomes real when you’re when you’re in it and you’re shocked because you’re expecting to be better than that or you’re expecting something miraculous to happen—”That won’t it won’t get to me because I’m preparing or whatever preventing,” but no it’s just part of the process.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, it is part of the process I think the mistake that a lot of us make is we try and get back to who we were like “Oh I just want to feel like myself again. I just want to be able to do those things,” or, “I want to like the same things that I liked and do the same things that I did,” when actually we’re supposed to be different. We’re supposed to embrace the change.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. I love that you said that. By the way my intimacy master class and day five of my retreat is all about that. Stop trying to go backwards and start going. Oh, I love it because it is exactly what’s holding all of us back. Even in COVID. Think about it. Everybody’s like, “[can] we just go back to real life?” And it’s like, “No.” The world has evolved you cannot go backwards you can only go forwards. Figure out what is happening from here on. How is this going to take us to a better place? Let’s focus on a[n] ideal situation and not going back to what we are comfortable with what we used to.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, a hundred percent and I love that you cover that in your class because basically, what we do is we try and contract ourselves. I this is the words I like to use. We contract ourselves to fit back into that little box of who we were. We’re really supposed to expand ourselves. Actually this is expanding our potential of who we can be in all areas of our life not just in motherhood but motherhood actually expands who we can be if we’re business owners and how we show up in our business, in our marriages, in all areas and it’s an entire change to the entire identity of who we are and we should embrace it rather than fighting ourselves to get back to where we were before.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that you said that because it goes so well with all of this all of the [baby grunts]—thank you. You want to say something on Zoom?
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
He agreed.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
There’s agreement. You know, all about the vessel and growing your vessel, and being able to contain more and to hold more space. You are the vessel of everything that you do and when you’re expanding, then more can come in. We talk about abundance. We talk about all this amazing stuff . His is amazing because you’re actually saying research approves that we are becoming more. You know like how my mother always said, “Every baby I have makes more room in my heart for more love and it’s not taking away from anyone else’s love. It’s just more love all around,” and it’s like, “Yeah. Yeah, right,” but no she’s right. Now that I’m doing it, I totally get it. There is no lack there’s just more abundance.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Right. A hundred percent and it’s so amazing because I think a lot of times we feel like, I don’t know I feel different I have this going, but we don’t get why and sometimes half of it is just understanding. Actually, this is real. This is real. It really is happening to you and there is real changes that are taking place. That gives us a really a sense of peace, I think when we when we understand— there’s something real to it, and not that our feelings are invalid. Our feelings are very valid but I think a lot of women feel good when they’re like, “Oh the science is showing that it’s true. I feel this way for a reason.”
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Well, let’s get practical because a lot of people are saying, “How do I deal with this? How do I overcome this feeling of not feeling like myself or wanting to find myself again?” Or just the overwhelm of being tired, having kids to take care of not really taking care of yourself and knowing you should, but not really figuring out how. There’s a lot of questions up in the air and it feels really good to validate that it’s normal but now what is practical?
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, what do we do, right? So let me tell you the three steps I walk all my clients through, okay these are the three things that we need. These are the practical steps first step. It’s an acronym it’s M-E-E, MEE. So it’s first step is meet yourself where you are at. What that means is get present to where you are right now. A lot of women want to jump to the change stage. “I want to be different. I have more energy and I don’t want to feel overwhelmed anymore. I just want to be myself.” No, we cannot do that. First, we have to meet ourselves where we’re at. Get curious when you are feeling overwhelmed. Just be curious about that. “Okay, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I wonder why that is. You can do a little bit of journaling. Some women like to journal. You can just be present in the moment. You can stop yourself in the moment and just be super curious and remember, this stage should be without any judgment so we shouldn’t be judging ourselves because that happens a lot where we’re like, “I’m overwhelmed. I shouldn’t be overwhelmed. What should I do?” No, not that type of getting present. This type of getting present is, “I’m feeling a little bit of overwhelm right now. What does that feel like in my body? Maybe my hands are getting a little bit shakey. Maybe my heart is beating a little faster. Maybe I just feel this maybe heaviness,” right? Just get present to what it feels like in my body. Get present to get curious, okay? Why am I feeling this way? Maybe do a little journaling and just be present with yourself. So that’s one, without judgment.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. So that’s basically bringing awareness and not judging it, just being in it. You know, be in the moment in yourself because what you’re saying is when we’re feeling that it’s like, “I should be there.” No. “I know where I am now but I’m not happy with where I am. I should be there and I’m not accepting present moment,” which is like we’re fighting reality, basically.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Right, and if we don’t do this step, we’re never going to get there. We will get there eventually but we have to do this step first.
Just the second part to this step, by the way. This could take every woman this takes a different amount of time right to really get present and be accepting of where you’re at so it’s not like I’ll tell you, “okay, you do this for a week and move on.” Every woman is different and until you really get to the acceptance stage, that’s when we know you’re ready to move on, but part of that stage of this end stage of meeting yourself where you’re at, the next step of just noticing and getting curious the next step is trying to have compassion on yourself because that compassion is going to help you with the next with the E or the first E that comes. So that’s the second part of that.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I get that you put it all in one M because it is so intertwined that when you do bring awareness your compassion is not judging it. it is part of that same step. They work together it feels like.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Definitely, definitely. I think for some women, for them it’s easier to just be curious and non-judgmental, and for other women they can even go further with that and say, “I hear you. You’re really having a hard day today, my love,” and actually speak to yourself like you’d want to speak to your child with kindness and compassion and empathy. So some women are ready to move on and do that before they get to the first e, which is embody the vision. Once you’re comfortable, you’ve met yourself where you’re at, you’ve accepted it, you’ve brought compassion to yourself, the second step is now you’re ready to embody the vision of who you want to be, and I don’t I specifically don’t say what you want to do because a lot of times we get caught up in what we want to do and we forget that you have to be a certain person in order to do those things. So this is where you create your future vision but the reason I say embody is because it’s not enough to just create it and say, “What kind of mother do I want to be? What kind of wife do I want to be?” Maybe I have a business—”What kind of business owner or employee?” “What kind of person do I want to be in the world?” So we want to ask those questions but then that’s just the beginning. We have to then embody that woman we imagine ourselves to be or that we want to be. So we have to feel how does she feel when this event happens, how does she react that woman—that I want to be that woman that I know I have the potential to be? And so we actually practice embodying those thoughts and those feelings of that woman and that is the second step.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh I love this. So as part of this, do you first create her and then embody her? I feel like you would have to really get in touch with what it is you want which is a huge, huge part of my work in my CALM Method, C-A-L-M, C is you connect to yourself and really getting in touch with what you want because without that you can’t go forward. A lot of people have time knowing what they want and then so like, “I don’t know where I’m going so how can I embody that?”
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Definitely. So I do something called connecting to your inner knowing. I call it your inner knowing. Everyone probably has different words for it but that is part of that step and you’re right. Someone cannot create the vision if they don’t even know what they want. So, that’s all part of that is learning how to listen to your inner knowing and what you actually want, creating the vision, which is a whole thing in itself, is actually creating that vision, and then embodying that vision and stepping into that woman of who you want to be.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
This is so powerful. So, so powerful because actually that’s how I grew my business was I worked with Debbie Sassen. [Do] you know her? Yeah, of course. She’s an amazing coach and she made me actually really get in touch with that part of me, that future me who’s successful and happy and doing what she loves to do blah, blah, blah. How does she react? What would she say? How would she feel? I got so clear on that. It worked like magic.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, so Debbie and I learned at the same coaching school if you can’t tell, at least with this step. So yeah that is so important because a lot of times in certain moments we might think about I wish I would do it this way. I wish I would be like that. But that’s as far as it goes. So that’s why I call it the embody step because it’s really about embodying it and that’s what Debbie was doing with you, and she was saying, “How would you react in this situation?” She was getting you to embody it.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Actually, I think it was before she went to the program.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Oh, that’s funny. So she was really on her way. She knew what she was doing.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
She knows what she’s doing. Anybody listening, go, go talk to her now. She’s amazing. She really great she put me on the right track and that was my goal when working with her—was like, “put me on the right track because I want to know what to do. I don’t want to be in a fuzzy, bumping into things. I just want to turn on the light and start walking.” So I knew what I wanted and I think that was helpful to her because we were working really well together. You have to find the right person for you.
And today I was talking to someone—this is a tangent but I think it’s really important for people to hear. “Yeah but I tried already and it didn’t work.” You have that feeling of because I failed once or failed twice then it’s not worth it. No. So you found the coach that’s not for you so find another one, right? Figure out who is for you but don’t give up. Don’t stop trying. Don’t lose hope just because it didn’t work the first time, or somebody said it the other day about, “Oh, I tried hiring help in the house with cleaning. It was such a disaster that I’d never try it again, and I’ll just do it all myself.” Like “Okay, let’s take a deep breath. It’s okay.” Something didn’t go right but it doesn’t mean you give up and stop it. You don’t. You just keep going.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Absolutely. I mean, I believe strongly and there’s an energy between people. Different people give off different energy and spiritually I’m not the coach for everybody but there’s a coach out there for you if you’re listening. There are some people that I’m the coach for and there are some people that I’m not, and it means nothing about me, it means nothing about them. It means we’re just not energetically connected and that’s fine so you have to find what works for you and who works for you.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I take that to the next level I think that God designs it/ it’s all predetermined who’s gonna work with who but you have to be ready to work with them and sometimes you have to have those failures to prepare you for the next step. I love failure because it pushes you forward. I had a coach who said, “fall forward.” just anything failure you have— use it to fuel you to move forward instead of constantly falling back and being back in square one. No, you’re never in square one. really visualize that I’m falling forward. so I had to fail, so I’m gonna keep going and learn from it and really take it apart. Anyway, total tangent. let’s go back to mothering because it’s really, really fascinating.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, sure but that was an important tangent. I would agree with you.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Because it came to me and we had to go there so now we’re back here. what’s the next e?
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
The next E is embrace the growth because what’s gonna happen is you have the meet step, where you’ve done the acceptance and the compassion, and then you have the embody step where you’ve listened to your inner knowing, you’ve created your vision, you’ve embodied it and now you’re ready to get running and guess what’s going to happen? You already have neural pathways in your brain that have been reinforced over many years and for some of us many decades, and so your immediate reaction to things is going to be the old version of you. At that point, some women will get really hard on themselves and judge themselves, like, “Why? I did the work. I know where I want to be. What’s going on?” But the more we fight, that just like in the first step, the harder it is to change. The more we fight, all we have to do is embrace it. We are in a process of growth. We need to embrace it and so when those things happen, when we make the mistakes that we don’t want to be making, when we are trying to form new neural pathways and new patterns in our brain of ways of behaving and reacting and being in the world, when things happen you say, “Hey, this is just a habit my brain has. No big deal. Nothing’s gone wrong,” and you move forward and that is so much more powerful than, “I can’t believe you did that.” Better than, “we did all this work. Why is it not working?” The whole thing, right? So embrace the growth.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh my goodness. This is amazing. One of the biggest things that I found and I’ve become so aware of it that at this point, I warned my friends to check on me, nine months postpartum, I’ll have a really fine time in the beginning. “I’m all good this is the seventh kid. I’ve got this,” and then I start to get into it, try to push myself try to get back into the routines and the things that I do and whatever, and then at around eight/nine months, I’ll feel like my soul is running to where my body can’t catch up. I have all these great ideas. I want to do all these things. I totally feel like myself again but I’m not I’m not there. I’m totally not there. So my body is like slow motion, my brain is slow motion, things are just not going the way I want them and that’s when it hits me. That’s when it’s like, “oh this is horrible. I can’t do it.” So I’ve realized it’s a pattern for me. I actually took the time to think it through and I was like, “okay.” So this time around I’m telling all my friends like, “don’t worry about me. I don’t need any meals until nine months,” right? [laughs] “And that’s when I’m gonna start feeling really low and really frustrated and really annoyed,” so just bringing awareness like you were saying, bringing awareness, being okay with it saying, “I’m becoming somebody,” and I think also what you said was very powerful. It takes two years for the whole process to take place and—
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Minimum, minimum—
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Minimum—and for me nine months I was like, “Okay, we’re done. let’s move on.” [Laughs]
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
I hear you loud and clear and because I’ve changed so much after becoming a mother, I can see the differences. some of us we have this more masculine understanding of productivity and growth and what it means to be productive and efficient, and so I was like you. at some point I was like, “Well, I used to do this and I should be able to do that. what’s going on with me?” there was one point in my life where I was working for jobs and going to school, and I’m like, “So why can’t I do just two and figure this out? what happened to me?” and I think that also we have to have respect for the process and hold space for the process but I get that your soul is running ahead and your body—we have to make it work together because I’m like you, and many times where I’m like, “Okay I’m ready to go,” but my body is like, “No, you’re not,” and I have to just stop listen and be like, “Okay this is part of the process. I have to embrace that growth. I have to have respect for the process,” and it’s not so much about what I’m producing and the final outcome as it is about the entire process.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You know, one time I called my sister— I I was a graphic designer and I was telling her, “I just I’m not creative. I cannot create right now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” and she’s like, “Are you kidding me? You are creating a baby. You’re not creative?” It’s so true what you said about the feminine and masculine energy is as we want to make this our way and to do it and to get in touch with how we work differently, at the end of the day we judge ourselves old-fashioned. We have this very old-fashioned like, “You should be doing more,” and blah, blah, blah going through our heads. Especially, since we are so capable—you know, all of my people are extraordinary. All of the ladies I work with. We’re high level, we want to do it right, we want to make an impact, we know what we’re capable of doing, so we’re not willing to let ourselves down and be like, “Oh yeah, just take a break?” It doesn’t work.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, and what I think that we’re in a really another part to this so we’re focusing on the individual person but another part to this is where we are in history. So I don’t know if you’ve read the book Circle, Arrow, Spiral by Miriam Kosman. I love that book. It’s a tourist perspective. It’s a Jewish lens but she talks about the masculine and the feminine and how they’re supposed to be a synergy between the masculine and the feminine in terms of society and the world, and so in the beginning of time it was much more masculine. We know this from history that it was a very patriarchal society and more masculine, and now women can do so much more and to have their babies. So there’s all of the new technology and all the things. Women are able to do more, but really the point is that there should be a really nice synergy between the masculine and feminine and so we’re kind of coming into this time period where we’re trying to get to that synergy, and so you have to realize that you might have a mindset like the world has looked traditionally at productivity as the result, has not looked at productivity as the process but I think we’re coming to a time in the world where we’re trying to balance that to get into that balance, and so now the world is shifting a bit and saying, “Wait, there is something to the process. There is something to this feminine energy,” and so you have to realize that there are those forces in the background too. It’s not just your fault. You’ve kind of been conditioned that this is what this is what productivity looks like. This is what accomplishment and goals look like, but now we’re part of the generation, I believe—this is my belief that we’re part of the generation that is kind of bringing a synergy between those two energies.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. I love that. So I talk about the time of redemption and how women are going to rise to the top and become leaders and really make an impact. We never had that before and we’re seeing it. We’re seeing it so clearly where women are just rising to the top, and my whole side of what I do is I help them improve their marriages instead of letting it tear you apart because if you’re rising and your husband is stuck behind, it creates a gap and that gap is something that the people we’ve seen, the women who we’ve heard about who’ve really made it big then go and say, “Yeah but I outgrew my marriage. I can’t be in it anymore,” and we don’t want that. So how do you grow your marriage alongside your business so that you can completely break through and do both because it’s totally doable. You just have to be conscious of it, but I love what you’re saying because with all of this we still have the bodies and the capabilities of having the kids and growing them and like you said, this is our top priority so how do we bring all that in? How do we find the equilibrium with all of that amount of impact and amazing things, and then also what we actually really, really care about, which is our kids and growing them and taking care of them and feeling like we can do it because we said we’re growing our vessel, and so therefore we can do a lot more and can accept a lot more and receive and whatever but we also are feeling heavier. We’re feeling like we’re carrying—so how do we deal with that?
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
So, I think there’s a lot here. One is that I don’t to talk of it in terms of balance I know a lot of people use the term balance but I don’t think that’s true because I think quantitatively and qualitatively, there will never be a balance between our dreams and our children and I don’t think they should be in competition with each other, right?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that you say that because I say that all the time. I do not use the word balance. I use the word rhythm. I really like that there’s seasons in life and that there’s rhythm and you have different rhythms for different seasons. I love that. I live that way, very much ups and downs and what am I focusing on now. So yeah keep going. I love that.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
I love the use of the word rhythm. I’ve heard also the word synergy being used so definitely thinking of it in terms of seasons rather than balance is much more helpful and productive and serves us better so there will never quantitatively or qualitatively be an equal or a balance between your business, your dreams, and your children. So what do we do when we are feeling super depleted but we do have these dreams and we do want to be the best mom to our children? There are a few pieces. One is that inner knowing peace. Knowing when you need that time to refill your cup, to fill up your cup so that you can give to your children and your marriage and put in time that is useful in serving into your business or whatever it is that you are doing, your career. So knowing when it’s time to fill up your cup.
Another thing a lot of moms, and I think people in general, make this mistake that it’s going to take me so much time to do xyz. “If I take this time for myself, it’s going to take away time from my kids, time from my business,” so I’ll be coming out with a podcast episode soon about time as your friend. I like to talk about this because I think we talk about time as our enemy very often, like, “I don’t have time. I never have enough time. I have time to take care of myself and if I do this then my kids are going to suffer from it or my business is going to suffer.” If you make time your enemy, guess what? Time will be your enemy [Laughs] and if you make time your friend, then time will be your friend. Okay so I like to think of time in terms of it’s a created thing in the world. There’s an energy behind time and we can work nicely just you work with a coach or you have an energy between you and your husband energy between you and other people, right? There could be an energy between you and time that is friendly and nice and loving and caring and giving versus time is my enemy. So there’s a misconception that something, when we take care of ourselves, when we do something for ourselves, it’s going to take up a lot of time in our lives and take away from other things. That is not true. That doesn’t have to be true. When I was pregnant with my youngest, I took a painting class it was one hour once a week and that was the highlight of my entire week. I worked on something for months and we worked over a few months and actually I painted this— it was a painting of my husband praying and that was his gift for his birthday, and I was due around his birthday so I worked on this for months. “I must. I have to get this done before I give birth.” [Laughs] but that time was so precious to me and it didn’t take away from my children. If anything, it just gave me this peace, this calm, more capacity, more space to love and to give in my marriage with my children, in my business, even to give to my clients, to grow. I think that is a big piece of it is how are we looking at time and do we really believe that giving to ourselves isn’t actually taking away from anybody else?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It is so, so powerful and so easier said than done because we are, like you said, we’re conditioned to put ourselves last on the list. Everything else has to happen for me to take a break or for me to take time for myself. And a lot of people now, especially we’re starting a new year, people are talking about planning your year and creating your visions and really plugging things into your calendar. Sit down and plug in you first. Plug in your self care, plug in the things that you love to do, plug in your courses, plug in whatever it is you do because it will not happen otherwise.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, and plug in time to experiment with new with new things that maybe you’ll find that you love and enjoy. A lot of times we don’t do that. We don’t plug in time to just play and experiment.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh, I love that. I love that. Plug-in time for play. By the way that’s the first thing that’s going to go when I need time for something. [Laughs]
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Right. Exactly, exactly.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
The awareness and the honesty to say, I cut the stuff out because I know, “oh, I have a hole in my schedule,” a hole in my schedule. The language, even. “I have a hole in my schedule and this thing has to happen so I guess i’ll just cancel it out.” I’m gonna do that. I’m gonna put play time into my calendar. I’m excited about this. I’m gonna name it Coach Bayla playtime. I’ll call you at the end of the year to let how things went it is. Because I know—already I know I’m that mature to know that if I stick to my playtime, my everything will blow up. Everything will be amazing. My business, my parenting, my self-care because I will be in such a good place when I play. I’m an artist. I love to play but I don’t let myself play because it’s not not productive—
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
But that’s a big false lie.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Exactly. It’s just about the journey and not about the result at all, and it’s scary to put time for that. So I’m excited. I’m taking on the challenge. Who else has taken on the challenge? Let us know.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, and I love that you said that by the way—that it’s scary to take it on. I think we need to acknowledge [that] because we have been conditioned and grown up in societies that there was a certain emphasis on that productivity, getting things done, or things looking a certain way, we need to acknowledge when we’re feeling that fear. We need to be okay with that and say it’s okay to be afraid. “I’m doing something different, doing something I’m not used to,” and that’s going to help us go for it because a lot of times women will be like, “Yeah!” They’ll be excited. They’ll listen to this podcast and they’ll be like, “Yes, I’m gonna put in my playtime,” and then the play time comes up and they have that fear and they’re like,” but what? I have so many other things to do,” but feel into that fear. It’s okay. It’s okay. “It’s just a habit, just to a habit my brain has because I’m not used to this. I’m trying something new,” and that’s the embrace step, embracing the growth.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, oh my gosh. This should be the highlight of our entire podcast is like embrace the feeling and just give it a name. You are a habit in my brain. We have soundtracks on repeat. They just repeat all. My kids say, “All we need is you on repeat to tell us to close the door and it’s all good.” It is exactly that. Your brain is doing the same thing. It just keeps repeating the same thing over and over again.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Exactly, exactly. Something I learned from parenting actually, which has helped me a lot in in my own personal life with emotions and in coaching, is I think in the beginning when my when my toddler would throw a tantrum, it was trying to fix the situation. What do I do to make him feel better? And how do I fix this? I don’t want him to cry and the longer I tried to fix the situation, the more he tantrumed and the longer it became. And as soon as I learned in parenting, it’s not a problem. Feelings aren’t a problem. It’s okay for him to have a tantrum. Just be there for him and hold space for his feelings. As soon as I hug him and I’m like, “It’s okay. Mommy’s here.” It’s like okay. He gets it out and he moves on, and it’s over and I’m like, “That was magic,” but we could do that to ourselves. We can say, “It’s okay for you to be here, fear. It’s just a habit I have. It’s okay I’m trying something new,” and it’ll be so much more productive. It’ll be so much better than, “Oh no. What should I do? I shouldn’t feel this way. Maybe I shouldn’t do it,” and you’re trying to stop the feeling because a lot of times we get caught in that.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh my gosh. This is amazing. So good. Now, let’s get into marriage because my podcast is all about how whatever we’re talking about has to do with marriage. Having young children in my opinion is one of the biggest stressors on marriage from my experience. You take two young people who are so in love and so excited about life, they’re on this new journey together. They’re on fire. They’re so excited to take on the world and then they have a talk baby. Talk about throwing things between the wheels, it is so hard for most people and—my baby agrees—if you’re normal and human you are going to feel this. “What just happened?” And if you’re aware of it and you know it’s coming, it’s easier but it’s still there.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, I mean, I was blessed that I always wanted to be a mom. That was my thing forever. I want to be a mom. When I was five, I asked my mom like, “How do we have babies? Because I want a baby,” and I literally always wanted to be a mom and then I was really blessed because nine and a half months after I got married, I had my first child. I will say, first of all, there’s an adjustment period to marriage that kind of gets skipped over when you get pregnant right away.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, that happened to me too. The first thing I felt was guilty. Like, why was that so easy and everybody else has it so hard? And I had to get through that feeling too. But yeah, I totally agree. You become a mom and it takes minimum of two years—oh my gosh, you have to you have to really give marriage it’s time to work itself out, so we skipped that.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, so some of us skip that and that’s okay. That’s why you’re here. That’s what you coach on. So, some of us do skip that we go straight to becoming a mom but there’s that at play. So there’s the marriage at play, there’s a relationship dynamic at play, and then there’s at play matressence , and you changing on a biological level and you having a shift in your identity and you feeling different and you’re also within a marriage. So that has a big impact as well.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
The fact that you change your husband’s like, “Where’s the wife I married? What happened to that girl that we had all these drinks and all this energy and all this stuff?” And it’s like, “So what happened to you?” And you’re like, “I have no idea where she went but she’s not coming back.” So, it’s a huge thing. It’s a huge thing and Louisa says in her comments, “Yes, when we had our first child my husband I had a lot of stress in our marriage,” and I love that she is so honest about that because it’s really important to be aware of how normal this is and not freak out. Just like you said about the tantrums happening. Nobody can control that. Do you freak out or do you know that I have the tools I need in order to deal with this? That’s where we want to get to, to know what to do in order not to completely fall apart. Your marriage is going to go through stages and it’s going to have those ups and downs. It’s going to have these things that are thrown at it and you have to figure out what to do. Having kids is one of those things. You are changing, your entire brain is changing, your entire life, your being is really growing and maturing, and it’s part of the journey. So don’t freak out and don’t think, “Oh, that’s it. This is crazy. It’s over,” no. Gather yourself and be okay with where you are. So good.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
I work only with moms. I don’t work with dads, but my husband once made a funny comment and he said, “I need a patressence coach. You’re a mattrecense coach. I need a patressence coach,” and he made it as a funny comment but there actually is research that does say that dads do change as well. However, it’s not necessarily to the same degree that the mothers change or on the same timeline as the mother’s. So the mother’s experience is very quickly because of the biology and the things that are happening with pregnancy with their body.
So you have two people in a marriage that are both going through—maybe one is going through a little less changes, a little slower. They’re both adapting to this new child. So now you’ve got three people in the marriage, and then you’re adding to the family and you have more people because you have the baby in the in the marriage and in the family and you’re adding to the family. So you have to you start to have to consider it used to be you’re this one person. You consider your needs only, but then you got married and you had to learn how to consider another’s needs, and then you have a baby you have to learn how to consider their needs and then you add you have to consider those other children’s needs, and there is that feeling of, “Oh, wait a second. I have to take care of my needs, my husband’s needs, my children—” you start to feel this obligation—
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
And they’re all part of you. That’s the thing. It’s so powerful because it’s part of you. It’s not like you’re like, “Oh, leave those other people behind. They’re external from you.” No ,they’re not they are not external. You get married. You become one. You are one. You feel it. You cannot be like, “Well, he could do his thing and i’ll do my thing.” It doesn’t work. I I think there should be a word for this but just like mattrecense, you went through a process. When you get married, you are physically in a way— it’s spiritually for sure, but there is something that happens to you that you no longer have that option of just like, “Okay that’s it. So I guess I could just take care of myself and he’ll take care of himself. It’s all gonna be good.” It’s not. Your main priority is to make sure that your other half is okay, and then your kids are part of you there’s no way to detach that. So, I think that louisa brings in a really good point in this comment. She says my husband felt neglected by his wife because I shifted all my focus on my children, and I hear this very often.” Very often. Instead of focusing on my marriage, I figured that’s taken care of because we’re married and everything is, “What do my kids need? How do I do for my kids?” And as a mother you really embrace that.
But before we address that, I want to just say something that I remembered I wanted to say about your first thing. Fathers do go through it. You see it. Just like a mother has this like mama bear reaction when her kid gets something and somebody doesn’t, “He’s our kid,” and you’re [growling sound]. The father too develop these extra superpowers that they didn’t have before. Of course, it’s not on the same level. It’s not physical and in the same way but you see them. You see that they are going through their own changes and I think it’s really important because I know men who have postpartum depression just like a woman would because of the amount of changes that are going on in their lives. So it’s super important to legitimize it. Make it totally like, “It’s okay. You’re doing fine. You’re going through your own changes.” Everybody here is going through— we’re all transitioning together. We’re all growing. We’re all becoming. It’s not like women only. You were saying before we went live, which I loved, women who adopt, surrogate, you are actually going through the same physical changes in a slower pace? That’s crazy. That’s absolutely—
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yes, the brain of a mother who is a not a biological mother but she’s an adoptive mother or a stepmother, her brain will eventually look like the brain of a woman who has biologically, who has given birth to a child—it is a longer process. It takes longer. It’s different because there’s not the pregnancy hormones that kick-start it but her brain will look that way, and you know what, fathers probably have a similar trajectory to that as maybe it takes a little bit longer but their brain also will look different.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes and I love that I remember to just mention that because it’s so mind-blowing. It’s so powerful, and you’re saying this is new research. I think it’s just it’s amazing to see what’s going to come out of this because there is so much in here.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Yeah, it’s so beautiful. It’s that validation of, “Oh, so i’ve been right all along why we feel this way and why we’re going through this.” A lot of women find it very validating and helpful.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, yes. Just this week just this week I had an encounter with a very good friend who had a baby, and she’s telling me she’s really so tired, so out of her skin, so not herself. It’s really painful to her. She just can’t figure it out and I said, “You have to be okay with where you are so that you could get on the next level.” I told her the M part.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
The meet step, right? Meet yourself. Meet yourself where you’re at.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Meet yourself where you’re and it almost made her cry because she doesn’t want to. It’s like, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever,” right? I she has so much resistance to it that I felt like I hurt her feelings just by saying that but as a coach, and maybe it’s my fault because I wasn’t asked, as a coach I just I know you have to just stop and pause and let yourself be. By the way, she’s three weeks postpartum. It’s like, “You just had a baby and it’s all normal. You’re not sleeping. You’re not eating right. You’re not taking care of yourself. You have this new baby it’s totally dependent on you. Your hormones are still out of whack. You’re still completely obsessed with things. Your brain is not fully developed. There’s something going on,” and thank god you’re saying it’s also physical because until now we were all just believing that it’s invisible— Yeah, exactly. It’s so much going on just like, “be okay with it now.” She doesn’t want to be. She’s just, “Ah!” And it was really hard for me to watch because I love her so much and I’m sure this is what a husband feels for his wife is like how can I help you? What can I do for you because I see that you’re suffering, and I don’t know what to do. So can you give us advice for the fathers since we’re already talking about them?
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
I think I just wanna one step back one second and touch on this friend of yours. I think she also probably just wants to be reassured that she will eventually—I mean, I tell women that I help moms feel like themselves again. the truth is you’re never going to feel exactly like yourself because we’re not putting you back in that box of who you were. we’re expanding who you are but I think she just wants to be reassured that she’ll get back there. she’ll get back to who she is and really she’ll get even further than that because she’ll really expand who she is. she’ll expand her potential in all areas of her life. so I think that could be super helpful but let’s go to advice for the fathers when they see their wives going through this and they feel totally helpless. it’s kind of like the baby having a tantrum and you’re like, “What do I do?”
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You know, I felt this when I went with a friend of mine to her birth. She asked me. She’s like, “You’re the person I need there. Just be there and call me, and talk to me or whatever.” Fine. I went I helped her. It was amazing and I couldn’t help her through the pain. When I’m in it, I know what helps me. I know what to do. I’m feeling the pain and you’re just watching her and for the first time in my life— I had so many of my own kids and for the first time in my life, I realized what a husband is going through. You want him so badly to help and there is nothing he can do.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
That is so powerful. such a powerful image to talk about your friend and the birth and just realizing that you feel so helpless and that’s what he feels like.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It’s so parallel. So go ahead. Tell us. What do you think?
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
So what’s my advice so for the husbands, I think like this. One, before you’re able to meet your wife where she’s at, because I think you can help her with that step. Just like we do for our children and parenting, and just we do for our clients in coaching, you can meet your wife where she’s at. You can make space for the feelings that she has and what she’s going through and you can also know yourself that this is totally normal, that nothing’s gone wrong. I mean, obviously if someone has a diagnosis or you think she might have postpartum depression, then you want to get her help right but if she is just going through that process of matressence, knowing that it’s totally normal, knowing that nothing’s gone wrong, and making space for her process, giving her time to be how she is now—that I think will be much more helpful. It will serve her better and serve you as a husband better to do that rather than, “How do I make her better? How do I fix her? How do I help her feel better?” It doesn’t mean you can’t do nice things for her. Sure, bring her home flowers. Sure, make her feel special. It doesn’t mean that. It just means she’s going through something. “It’s normal. I’m going to allow her to go through those emotions and I’m just going to be here for her,” just like when my baby is tantruming, I stand to the side and I say, “Mommy’s here for you when you need me. I’m here for you,” and I just talk lovingly and calmly. I mean it’s a funny analogy but I do it because parenting is right in our faces.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I think it’s a very good analogy because when you can get into that space of realizing that the best thing you can do is just be. Just be. When I started crying when we just got married, my husband was like, “Something’s wrong. She’s leaking.” He did not know what to do with a girl crying. He’s a boy in a family of four boys, so there is no crying ever in their family except when somebody’s beating up someone else and that’s probably normal to them and whatever. It’s like, “What do you do?” And I’m like, “I just need you to sit here and listen to me.” I had to train him on what this what this means, like what do I actually need when I’m just crying and I say, “Yeah, you’re not listening. You don’t care.” He’s like, “I’m right here. I care. I don’t know what else to say,” and I’m coaching him through because I know in my head—my conscience is like, “He doesn’t know. You just have to help him,” and my other part is like, “but he said no.” We get into this when we do marriage stuff is like, “Of course, he should know because he’s a prophet.” Men—they don’t know. They really don’t know. But that’s exactly it is just be. Just be. Be here. Be with them. Allow them to be. Just hold it. So powerful. So, so powerful. A lot of my— I won’t say it’s my clients. It’s more my connect calls because these are people who don’t know how to take care of themselves to the point where they won’t invest in coaching because they don’t think they deserve it. “You know, my husband won’t let me take care of myself,” is an excuse or, “We don’t have the money so why should I use it on that,” there’s a lot of excuses that we use for why we’re not putting ourselves first. Like you were saying, the last E is really, really important and that’s the practical step of take care of yourself. And, from my experience and my research, men want you to take care of yourself and they will tell you to and we just don’t let ourselves.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Absolutely, and you want to know something so interesting? My coach used to tell me this all the time. I didn’t quite get it until I experienced it myself. She said, “It doesn’t matter. Pick one thing you want to get coached on you want to get coached on. Your weight loss, your health, you want to get coached on your marriage, on being a mom, on your business—when you get coached on that and when you up level that area of your life, all the other areas of your life are going to change, and until you experience that you won’t understand it until you experience it and you see for yourself that it’s true. Pick it and work on it. It could be one area,” and that’s your husband. Instinctively, [he] knows. Well, first of all he wants you to be happy. Your husband wants you to be happy. Your husband loves you. That’s number one, and number two, is it’s gonna be better for your marriage, whatever you end up getting coached on—marriage coaching, coaching on being a mother, coaching on your business, coaching on your money mindset. It is going to help you reconceptualize that identity. You’re going to have that new identity of what you’re capable of and that is going to show up in all areas of your life.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, yes, yes, yes. I always say this. I always say this. Debbie was my first coach. When I finished my six month with her, I right away went to another coach for three months who had a group coaching that was really lovely. I loved it and then after that, I signed up for a year because I realized the impact of being with a coach in your life, I can be a better coach when I am being coached because I’m in that mindset of collapsing time, how do you turn on the lights in this dark room. It’s just by getting someone who knows what they’re doing, who knows what they’re saying, who sees it from a different perspective, and who’s been there right. This is so powerful. This is so, so powerful and if men are listening to us and getting all of our amazing advice about how to be there for your wife, make sure that you tell her straight out to go get coaching [Laughs] because it will validate her. It will close the gap between, “Oh, but he won’t let me.” He does. He wants you to have it. Maybe you have to find the right coach, maybe you have a process of— a journey of listening to a bunch of people and figuring out who you really, really connect with and who you think is going to be good for you, but get on that process. Don’t be so resistant to it because it’s so powerful, and by the way I was resistant to it until I blamed it on my business that, “Oh, I need it for my business to grow. I need coaching,” and I was like, “Oh, never mind. I really need it because I need to become who I—” It’s phenomenal what happens, who you become when you take coaching.
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Absolutely. I have this analogy of what a coach is and I say think of a coach [as] a mirror. Let’s imagine you had your lipstick smudged and you’re walking around all day with this smudge of lipstick on your face maybe not always but maybe eventually you’ll glance in a store window and you’ll see it and you’ll rub it off or maybe eventually someone will tap you on the shoulder and say, “Hey, your makeup smudged,” but imagine if you had that mirror in front of you right away in the morning you take care of it in the first two minutes and it’s done. And that is what a coach is they’re like that mirror that can just reflect everything back to you and actually people think it takes more time or more money. It saves you time, it saves you money, it saves you energy because you take care of it right away with that mirror.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, that’s what Debbie says. It collapses time all the time. It really does. I talk about it God is the ultimate everything so he’s very much my coach you bring god into the situation and you see. You see in a dark room you bump into the table you bump into the chair you bump into the couch you turn on the light you don’t bump into anything and you’re wow this is magic no it’s not magic it’s just how it works you’re actually seeing what’s going on because you’re connected
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
That’s beautiful. Absolutely.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. Oh my goodness. Okay, so how could people get in touch with you and be around you and go get your coaching and get all of your amazing stuff
BAYLA ABDURACHMANOV
Okay, this is really exciting because I just launched my podcast last week and I have a bonus episode about how to prepare for the holidays with simplicity and joy. That was released yesterday so you can find my podcast it’s called Awaken to You for Moms and it’s on all the major podcast outlets you can also go to my website coachbayla B-A-Y-L-A dot com and I’m across social media: Instagram, Facebook @coachbayla. So, that’s where you could find me.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Wow. I love it. I’m so excited about your podcast congratulations thank you me too and I think you’re phenomenal. There’s something so so beautiful and eloquent about the way that you do things and that the way you explain them the way that you hold space. You are absolutely amazing and I have to tell you that live because it is so obvious when I’m talking to you and even when we started it was like boom. I’m like, “Yes, she’s got it,” right? It’s just there’s something really amazing about it so congratulations on that. I’m very excited and I’m going—thank you so much I’m going to subscribe. Louisa says great session. I’m so happy you loved it. Thank you for listening live. I love it that we have live guests and comments because it really enriches and thank you for being so honest. Also, so thank you everyone we will see you next time. Until then. And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don’t forget, you can be connected for real.