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In This Episode
Becky Dozeman, a therapist and life coach from Michigan, USA, and creator of the Thrive Retreat and She Thrives Program, gives practical tips on how to make your God-centered marriage thrive through self-awareness, communication, and resilience.
Highlights
01:12 Get to know Becky Dozeman, and get to know how she received a sign from Go d to start her program for health and wellness for women. She also gives a tip about asking for help.
07:56 Self-compassion helps nurture marriage. By speaking kindly to yourself, communication grows between husband and wife. “I am” statements are the foundation of our thoughts. If we talked to ourselves the way we talk to a friend, we can give ourselves the same grace and compassion we give others.
13:30 Abundance grows when you let things go with the flow without judging yourself. Learning from marriage coach, Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman and life coach, Becky Dozeman, on how to thrive
15:40 There is never failing in marriage. You can either thrive and grow, or learn throughout the narrative/journey.
19:15 The greatest thriving experience Becky has had is learning her “best yes” and “best no”. Saying no doesn’t mean losing an opportunity. Instead, it allows you to say “yes” to what really matters. Becky has a great exercise on how to choose your priorities and create a schedule that align with your goals in your marriage.
25:30 Our brains can allow us to sit in fear but changing the thoughts and the story we tell ourselves, talking to a therapist/coach, and connecting with God on a deeper level help us grow.
28:07 Surviving to thriving comes in seasons. Without the negative and difficult things we wish never happened to us, our scars help us get to flourishing in our life. The hard moments in our lives are purposeful for what God brings you through. Keep going!
30:06 Becky and Bat-Chen answer the question: how do you manage to build a business while making one-on-one time with your husband? Date night is still possible, even without extensive planning!
30:48 Contrary to popular belief, balance is impossible. It was a freeing experience for Becky when she removed herself from the balance narrative of doing everything, and this is her advice for anyone who wants their marriage to thrive.
42:29 Instead of saying “it’s okay” or “I forgive you” during relationship repair, Becky suggests to say “You’re forgiven”. There is a difference between making things okay during relationship repair and forgiving the person.
46:36 Bat-Chen shares advice she learned from her parents about raising and educating kids.
48:31 One step at time in faithfulness into the unknown with humility and surrender has brought in abundance in the marriage and kids of Becky. The steps are not going to be the same for all marriages so there is not need to compare your seasons of surviving and thriving to others’.
50:41 “You will never do anything in fear that doesn’t also grow your brave.”
Links
Learn about the Marriage Breakthrough Retreat!
Take the self-compassion test
Becky Dozeman’s The Thriving Collective is on Instagram
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Connected for Real is on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn
For more information about Connected for Real, visit the website!
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Transcript
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Welcome to the Connected For Real Podcast! I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business, and my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let’s get started. The following is one of the many conversations I had with experts and professionals about real life and how it affects marriage. Let me know your takeaways on Instagram or Facebook, @connectedforreal. Enjoy. And, we are live! Today, we are with Becky and she is awesome. Let me introduce myself for all of you who have no idea who I am — I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, I am a God-centered marriage coach. So I put those two together and really bring it in so that you can have the most amazing life. Becky is a therapist and a thrive coach, and she’s gonna tell you all about that.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Thank you so much, and I have to say, if I have to say your title and name 10x fast, I won’t be able to do it. But I think I can nail it once. Rebbetzin Bat-Chen, did I say that right?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
A little bit.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Awesome. [Laughs] I’m so excited to be here, I’m just really honored for this space that you have created to bring together the wellness and the marriage relationship. And so, you and I could probably babble at these people here for hours, but we promise to try to just bring you the best. So a little bit about me, obviously my name is Becky, I live in the States, the United States. And if you’re looking at a map, it looks like a mitten — it’s Michigan. It’s cold here, it’s a snow day, so my children are technically here. So, one of the things that I’m sure you probably talk about is how we as women, regardless of where we are in our walk, can’t do this thing by ourselves. So I ask for help from others, so my teacher friend next door is home with her kids and is taking all the kids sledding because having my two monster blessings here during this space wouldn’t be ideal. So there’s your number 1 wellness tip for the day, is ask for help, you weren’t created to do it by yourself. Speaking of which, see, there’s one her beautiful little men right there, I love it. On cue, did you plan that?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
No, no. I was actually supposed to lock the door, my husband said.
BECKY DOZEMAN
I know.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
— lock the door and take out the key. But, I forgot!
BECKY DOZEMAN
This was perfect, this was perfect. And then, when life doesn’t turn out the way that you want, you roll with it, because that is the gift of mom life. So I am Becky, living in the state of Michigan. I’m a licensed clinical macro social worker, which is a long way of saying the state says I can help people. I have spent less, almost 2 decades serving in that capacity. “Monster blessings, is that what she said?” Oh sorry, yes, monster blessings, I hope that was not offensive. Our kids are a blessing, they are, but they’re monstrous sometimes. So, spent the last 5 years adding health and wellness coaching, because– okay one of the things that I know we have talked about is the importance of integrating the spiritual, mental, emotional; along with the taking the whole body, right? The physical, the moving, the what-we’re-putting-in-it. And so, recently, the Lord, in an interview, was on my knees last fall, saying “Okay God, where do you need this to go?” And I had 2 experiences — there’s probably been 20 with the Holy Spirit, I believe has spoken to me, or I believed that God was speaking to me. The second one was this past fall, and he said “Do the thing.” So I’m out here doing the thing, integrating all these into a holistic wellness program to serve women, so that they can go from that overwhelmed crazy, and feeling like they’re living in a circus with all the monsters, to a place of finding a rhythm of seasons of thriving, because 2020 survival is not what God has created for us. So, that is Becky, she talks really fast and says 20 words when 10 will do, so feel free to cut me off at any point, like right now.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Okay. How ’bout that? You go drink some water. I love it. So first of all, we have another comment — just to make it clear, it was hilarious and she loved it.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Oh good.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Did not take offense. [laughs] I totally love that. I’ve been obsessed with the whole concept of the opposites, how you have the head and the heart, and the spiritual and the physical. And, the dark and the light, and all these different things. Male and female. And we have these, like, you can’t have one without the other, but you also sort of need to find a balance. It’s really complicated, and–
BECKY DOZEMAN
Oh very.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
— I’ve been loving it because it really is– you know, the best spirituality is grounded in reality. And you can’t be just up there and fluff, you have to be living this world. That’s what we’re here for. And so, we’re really finding that in more and more, so I’m really loving that you’re bringing that together.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Thanks, I’m excited, I wasn’t quite sure how it was going to resonate. But that’s what’s been really great, is that I step back and said, “God, you take this where it needs to be.” And women were speaking in to what they needed, and with their collaboration saying, “This is what we need to thrive,” and my experience as a professional and in my personal life, have been able to bring that together. Can I take, like, a little side to what you just said, that we were chatting about before? Okay, so you know how you kind of talked about that sort of dichotomy of all the things? Alright, well, I think us coming together is one of those, because in our world, granted here in the States are a little bit different, but the pandemic has been for everyone. In the States, a lot of political opinion stuff, and differences — what makes us different in this world — is being highlighted. And I feel like you and I connecting and creating this space is a celebration of how, what if instead we put the differences aside and we can learn from each other and grow from what makes us different, but let’s really honor the similarities? ‘Cause some people might say, what do Becky and Bat-Chen have in common when she is Rebbetzin — if you don’t know, that’s a rabbi’s wife, which, you know, I’m not a Jewish scholar, I know that — that–
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I know, all it needs is one explanation, and you become a genius [laughs].
BECKY DOZEMAN
Uhuh, yup, I know all the things. I’m gonna start speaking Hebrew tomorrow. Just watch.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Not sure, but okay [laughs].
BECKY DOZEMAN
No, it’s never gonna happen. It’s why I didn’t go to the seminary, because I wasn’t gonna learn Hebrew. So, you know that God, our Old Testament, they’re the same right? But obviously, we look at the other piece of our spirituality different, as a Christian woman of faith, right? But what I love is we can say, “Hey, that’s awesome, you’re gonna do your journey, I’m gonna do mine, but let’s still come together in that commonality.” And so I’m just grateful that we could do that here, and I hope that it gives more people the opportunity to say, “Hey, let’s not focus on all the stuff that I don’t agree with you on, let’s just come to that place of, ‘this is where we can join together.'” So thanks for that.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, it’s amazing. When you say, “all of the differences,” I’m just thinking, what differences? I’m so there in that place of unity and how similar we are, and how much fun we’re having together, and we’re like, texting back and forth, and what should we talk about, and what do your people really need, and whatever. We’re here to serve, and we’re both really, you know, so aligned that I can’t actually see the differences. I’m having a hard time even visualizing what it is that you’re talking about, which is what makes me feel so excited about this live, and this discussion. Okay so, we promised them that we were gonna talk about how to go from “Survive to Thrive,” and I wanna get really practical.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, absolutely. So–
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Tell us what it is [laughs].
BECKY DOZEMAN
Well, that would be longer–
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I’m all for it!
BECKY DOZEMAN
Right, that would be a longer discussion, but I really hope that anybody who watches this live or the recording will be able to walk away and say, “Okay, this is something that– that I can apply to my life.” Because that is, again, with probably 99 commonalities, we really believe in the spiritual stuff, we need that, but I need the practical. Like, give me something to do. Like, give me something I can apply today, because I don’t have time to live in fluffy land. Like, I got kids to pick up, and toys everywhere, and food to make, right? So there are a million different things that I could share, which is why my space is an ongoing retreat program, ’cause there’s so many things. But when I ask women, and I look at, “What is it that you need, and what is going to help you show up in your marriage? What is gonna help you be more present and really celebrate the connection and continue to thrive within that relationship?” One piece that’s been really resonating — and if you ask this in a month, maybe I would say something different — but right now, what’s resonating is the idea of self-compassion. And so I think self-love has been a real big thing, and self-help. I’m going to table those not as a discussion for today. Those are important, but they’re not my focus. I really think that where the beauty and the growth is is in self-compassion. You could argue with me on it, that’s fine. If you wanna learn more about that, Kristen Neff, N-E-F-F — she’s a leading researcher here in the States, maybe worldwide — on this idea, and essentially it’s the idea of “Sister, be kinder to yourself.” And I don’t mean overindulge, and you know, that piece, but what can you do to speak kinder to yourself and your thoughts so that you’re less cranky, less irritable, less critical within your home space, so that you can nurture that marriage? And as I have seen women work on this, it has been insa– not insane. Incredible. The growth it’s had in the sort of communication between husband, wife, and as she’s feeling like, “Hey, I can talk differently to myself.” That energy is shifting. And I feel like that is one of the number one things.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. So you know, I never read this book, but I love the title. It’s like, how to speak to yourself, or something like that. “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself,” that’s what it was. I love that title, I thought it was genius. I don’t even need the book. I’m like, okay I’m there. ‘Cause, you actually get to choose your thoughts. And that is mind-blowing, because until now, I feel like in my life, a lot of what was causing me so much stress was just the beliefs that I thought were facts. I didn’t ever question them, and with time, I started learning all these different things and really finding, you know, all the tools that I use now with my clients. And it’s life-changing. Just the fact that you can question yourself, the fact that you can choose your thoughts. The fact that you can allow them to be and not have to take them as a hundred percent, you know. Okay, you can move here, sit on the side, don’t drive. All those things are just amazing. And I love that you put such emphasis on the self-compassion, because I was just working with someone this week, and we did such amazing work. She wrote to me afterwards, it blew her entire day totally out of where it was going. Took her to a different place, which was such a pleasure, that the way that we think and talk to ourselves– you know, I had somebody here, I think it was Penina Taylor. She said, “If you wanna know what you really think about yourself, visualize this. You’re walking with a big vase, it’s expensive, and really fragile. And then suddenly you like slip and fall. What’s the first thing that comes to your head? ‘Oh, I’m such a klutz. Oh I’m such a this.'” The thing that pops up is going to be your first reaction, and not gonna be positive. It’s not gonna be like, “Oh, it’s okay, this happens to everyone.” No, no, no. Like, it’s gonna be “I am such a…!”
BECKY DOZEMAN
You know, “I am.” The “I am” statements; they are the foundation of everything.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes. And then you can question those and say, “Okay, really, is that really why this broke? Could it just be neutral that this what happened and it means nothing about me?” Oh, just separating yourself is so huge. Okay so, go back to your–
BECKY DOZEMAN
My head is spinning of all the things I wanna say. So, because we’re so practical, I would like to take what you said and kind of marry it with my idea. So, self-compassion, self-compassion.org. There is a free self-compassion test you can take, and a couple weeks ago, I had a bunch of women take this test as part of our growth retreat. And it was amazing for them to be able to look at their scores, and look at, “Hey, I’m not as kind to myself. My self-judgment is really high.” So they can sort of see those, it was really interesting to see some people be like, “Whoa, I knew I was mean to myself, but this is incredible. It’s here in numbers, in black and white.” And then, oh there’s that thought, “I’m doing pretty good. I’m doing pretty good.” And then saying wow, this is where I can grow. And so, the different practices to grow, and self-compassion, one of them piggybacks up with what you were just saying. That saying, if you saw your friend walking down the street with a really expensive vase and she dropped it, what would you say to your friend? So that– two different journeys: what do you say to yourself? “Oh my gosh, you’re so stupid, why’d you do it, dumb” blah, blah, blah. Right? Like the thoughts and beliefs go. What if it was one of your good friends, what would you say to her if you witnessed that happening and you knew the day she’d had and where her mind was, right? We have the crucifixion of yourself over a broken vase, right, and then we have the grace, compassion, “you’re human” that we give to our friend. What would happen if we could give that same space to ourselves over our imperfections and mistakes, and then the connections to the marriage, that just opens up so much emotional energy and order to nurture our marriage more and grow in connection.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I would say the word that came up for me was “abundance.” That is, there’s so much abundance that can come down when you finally let it be. You know? You were saying before how you were praying and you let God guide you, and you’re just doing this even if you don’t really know exactly what is going to happen. But you’re really there, and you’re aligned, there’s so much abundance that comes from the ability to just… go with the flow, and stop getting in you own way. And when we think, “Oh I’m so dumb, I can’t believe I did this and that,” that’s really getting in your own way. You’re shutting down everything that can really come in. So, that’s the word that came in for me.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah. Well isn’t that what so many of us want, is we want that space of abundance within our marriage relationships? Not perfection, not agreeing and everything, but an abundance of the parts of it that we wanna work– I think we come on here and we can share our expertise, but our husbands could jump on next to us, and like say a laundry list of what makes us imperfect at it. And I think that’s important is that, right? My husband–
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I can go on a list of all–
BECKY DOZEMAN
Right. My husband was just here and I was like don’t go out start telling everybody that I’m not a good wife, because I have to pretend for an hour like I have my stuff together. And he’d laugh. He’s like, he’s off the grid so he couldn’t put it on social media. But I think that’s the piece of it, is that it’s really important. I don’t know if you have this but I have women coming to me just saying, “Well, you know you just seem to have it all together. You and Jason is–“, and I’m like, “Okay, hold on.” That is again the story, the beliefs, you’re telling yourself. You’re asking questions and you’re making assumptions. Like neither of us have this whole marriage thing figured out. But I think what we hope to provide and what you’re providing in your interview, is that we’re hoping people will get from this is that, we can take our expertise and our coaching in our backgrounds. And also, our times of surviving that we were not in a abundance and flourishing as wives, right? But also, what are the things that will help us to thrive? I think you and I could probably make a list of those feeling forwards. And so again, a practical one, and I can’t say for sure who coined it, the one of our common– So both him and I invest in growing ourselves and one of the people we invest our time and energy in, she says this but I don’t know if it was hers. I can’t remember but its, I think some women think they’re failing it something in marriage. Or they’re messing or they’re horrible at it and I would really invite anybody listening to this to say, you are either thriving and winning at this marriage thing, or you are learning once again, another way that you don’t wanna do it next time. That is it. And if you can change that narrative, you’re talking about the beliefs, I love that narrative because so much of our faith’s tradition is stories, right? So the story you’re telling yourself about who you are as a wife and in a marriage is really really important. And if we can call into question whether we think we’re failing in it or thriving, I think that will really change the narrative. So what if instead, even if you do nothing after today’s call, what if instead of the mistakes and beating yourself up, say “Oh, well I just learned again how not to do that.”
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Also, you know, there is no such thing as failing or succeeding in marriage. It’s either you learnt what you needed to learn or you need to learn it again. You know, I feel like we’re here in this world to grow and to learn. And you’re going to get things coming from everywhere. It happens to be there are marriage is like this mirror that’s like the magnifying mirror that shows you every little pore. So it’s gonna get in your face, and it’s gonna really bug you. Like it might also, you know, come from your children, your in-laws, your whatever. It can come from anywhere. And all these interactions, they’re there for you to grow, for you to pick up on what do I need to work on now. And if you can just get in touch with that and stop getting into that story, you know Chana Mason, one of the women who came on the show. She calls it the swimming pool. You just fell in the swimming pool, you’re in your story, you’re swimming around, trying to just explode, invalidate and victimize, and this and that and blame whatever. You’re in there, swimming. What if you just got out, and I was like “Okay, this was for me to grow and learn. What can I learn from this?” So then there is no failure, and there is no anything. There is just moving forward, learning, creating, growing, and your marriage becomes something completely different. Instead of a measuring stick of how good you are or how successful you are, “Oh, she is an amazing wife.” Well, no such thing. She’s just a wife. We’re all wives. If you’re a wife, then you’re a wife. It’s just a title. There’s no need to judge it.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And we’re so good at that, aren’t we? We’re so good at that critical judging stuff. Like we’re masters of it.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Of course! And you know what Byron Katie says, you know about, there’s 3 types of business. There’s my business, his business, and God’s business. And when you’re in someone else’s business, you’re not in your business, so you’re not really doing your job in this world because you’re not at your desk. There is another way of leaving your own business which is judging yourself because you have to leave yourself in order to judge yourself. And so you’re not here anymore, and you’ve left it, you’ve left your business again in order to go do something that is completely counterintuitive.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And you’re gonna feel that tension.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, yeah.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Oh my gosh, there are so many things that I want to say.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
[Laughs] I love this.
BECKY DOZEMAN
I think one of my other favorites in that you know– Again, I respect intellectual plagiarism and I want to be very careful that I don’t coin something as a Becky-ism when it came from somewhere else. So I try to be really careful, but there are times where I read in podcasts and listened, and I don’t know who said it. So this is like coming, I’m not trying to pretend I originally said this and allow the people I quote, they don’t know who I am. So I talk like we’re friends. One of these, again, I don’t know who it comes from, but I think one of the greatest thriving gifts that I have experienced in my marriage, I guess I can say that we, Jason and I, have experienced is my journey of learning my best yes and my best no, is that great study on this by Lisa TerKeurst. And really looking at, so often we think as women, like we think we can do it all or that we’re supposed to, or that somehow if we don’t that means that there’s something wrong and I think so often, what I have learned is I say no more than I say yes. I was a “yes” girl, right? I was exhausted, resentful, and all the things. And so I think, one of the greatest gifts to my marriage has been me being able to use my “no” voice in alignment so that I can say “yes” to what ultimately matters. So if you’re not really exactly sure what to do with what we’re talking about, I’m gonna give you a really simple one. If you make a list, and this is what I do with all my clients. What do you value most? Like top 10. If you’re not sure what values are, there’s lots of great list out there. And then I make you take 5 away which is really painful. And then what are your top 3? And so often, what happens is, we look at what our values are. This is an activity I have my girls do. And girls, I mean women but girls is more fun to say, so I’m not trying to be it like being PC. It’s like girls, women, stop. Okay so, you look at what are you values, right? And where are they? And then, put pick up your like planner, open your app that you use for scheduling the things. And you say, “Does my week have space for what I value?” And one of the biggest AHAs that I have with women, is “Oh my gosh, Becky.” I said family is always in the top 3, and if its not then fine but whatever, usually its in the top 3, right? Family. And I’m like so, when do you have scheduled in one-on-one time with your husband. Even if it’s just 10 minutes whatever, the not talking about the kids or something. When you have time with each of your kid, “Well, I don’t have time for them.” No, no, no sister. We have these same hours in the same days and you get to decide your best yes and best no. If you don’t have time for the people, the little monsters in your life, then where do you need to say more “noes” to say “yes” to you actually value. Because research consistently shows at the end of life, people will look back and they will say, they will look back and “What’s the legacy that I left?” And I don’t mean all the moneys, and the dollars, and the buildings they left you. I mean the legacy of the people who you showed up for. So my greatest challenge to my clients is saying, look at your values, look at your schedule. Are they aligning? And if they’re not, exhaustion, and resentment, overwhelm, are likely like riding in your back pocket. And if women can reduce that, think about again come back to your word, the abundance that’s available in the marriage. And so one of things that I’ve asked my husband, is saying to him, “Since I said no to a lot more things, what have you noticed? How is this opened up space?” It has been incredible what it has opened up for nothingness. I have nothingness. Like we have a night with nothing on it.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Think about what that could be filled with, right?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Such a gift. Such a gift. So, do your value schedule thing.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. You know what I started doing with my schedule? Anytime I block something off, I plan my whole week ahead of time on Saturday night and next to each thing, I will label it. Is it self-care, is it self-development, is it you know, work-related, is it whatever, a client? And I want to see that I have everything in there. And there was 1 week where there was no self-care. And I actually was like, whew, I’m happy I did that because now, you get a call you know, whatever it is that I need to do in order to really hone it, is so helpful just to bring the awareness, just to label it was so helpful. It was really life-changing. Just that little thing. And the other thing is, I love, oh my gosh, is that we’re here, we’re all bringing them up, we Leora Mandel here and she said that for every no, there is a yes. You say no to having guests, you’re saying yes to having a family dinner. You say no to doing something for someone else, you say yes to yourself in other ways. And so, it is so important. It really is. And I love that you brought that up.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, and making that shift is much simpler that women think that it is. I can’t say no to that. Really, you can’t? You can say no to that. I think that’s just it. It’s like almost giving yourself permission that I can say no. I saw him through no challenges with my clients. How many things are we going to say no to this week? Saying “no” shouldn’t mean saying “yes” to a hundred. Like what’s your best no. And then another piece that has really flourished within my soul and women I’m working with, and I’d like your thoughts on this one, ‘cause I think sometimes our noes will allow other people to step up into their best yes. We were filling that space thinking, “I’m the one who’s going to do it the best. I can plan this thing at the, you know, at the church, at the thing, or at the whatever. I just really, I’m good at it.” Well, guess what? Maybe it’s not your season to be really good at it. Maybe your no means someone else is gonna step into that space.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right. Totally.
BECKY DOZEMAN
You just keep occupying.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah and I think also you know, there is that book, “The Year of Yes”. I think that they’ve also the side of things of you know, you always say no to things because they’re scary, because they’ll push you, because da da da. Get yourself to saying yes. And I think that’s the beginning of my journey was somebody asked me to give me a class to the local women about taking good photography with your phone. And I was like, that’s what you want me to talk about? But that’s what’s needed, they needed a speaker to teach about photography, using your phone and all these different tricks. And so I prepared a class and I was petrified because I did not like speaking in public at the time. Can you believe it? Now, it’s like–
BECKY DOZEMAN
Isn’t it funny what God can do?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Totally.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Girl, you were all the play.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
But that was the process. I said God help me get to a point where I’m comfortable speaking to more than 3 people because I was so closed up, I would like shake, I really felt so scared. So there was 10 women there. They all had their babies, it was super cute and we sent, you know, pictures with your phone. It was so, so adorable. And that yes, led to another yes, and another yes, and another yes because I was so committed to stop saying no to the things I really wanted to do. And I didn’t actually really want to do them, I more just wanted to get out of that funk of saying no all the time just because I was scared.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Out of the fear place.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And today’s discussion is not on anxiety and the brain. But it’s one of my passions, is to explain how our brain hijacks us into sit and fear. And the amygdala that put and freeze part of our brain, hijacks us on a regular. And yes, exactly. And so what I think is so amazing, yeah– and actually my fear visual is that the amygdala is your fingernail, part of the hippocampus, your fingers are the frontal cortex, and then down here is your brainstem. Anyways, I have had some women, like I’ve talked how the brain works and they’ve been able to do that simple thing you were sharing about changing the thoughts in the story you’re telling. And they were like, “I’ve done a decade of therapy and if I would’ve just known this, that the switch was made in their mind of how to change that story.” And I had a way of bringing this back round to what you’ve just said but I lost the thread. It’s gonna come back to me. I don’t forget things, I lose threads.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It’s gonna come back to you, but you just said something that brought up the thread for me. So many of my clients that are one-on-one had gone through therapy and are saying, it only got me this far and now I needed the next level. And that’s one of the things that when we bring God into it and really connect on a deeper level, and you’re able to switch over to really, you know, thrive which in, you know, in a completely different realm. Suddenly, it’s like whoaaa, I never even thought I could get here. So, that’s something that I also want to give credit to all the therapy ‘cause they couldn’t have gotten to this point without all of that work because sometimes just to go from where you are, victim mentality, blaming all the time, feeling really resentful, whatever. You needed to go through the process to be ready, to even get to the next level. So don’t discount that and say, “Oh, I don’t need that. I’ll just go jump straight into this type of coaching.” It’s not really going to give you a shortcut. You’re gonna have to go through process anyway. And so, I’m definitely in support of using whatever you need to do next. Keep following the breadcrumbs to get where you need to go. But don’t stop growing.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah. And I think that’s the piece is that finding out whatever that means for you, and finding the right fit of who that healer or therapist coach is going to be. But its not– you can’t skip the work. You cannot microwave your journey, people. Like sometimes, it’s the kettle that has to simmer for a long time and do the growth piece that we’re trying to microwave our growth. And that’s not how it works. And we look at the hard stuff, as the hard stuff and the surviving. And it’s interesting because my sort of whole platform is surviving to thriving. Here’s the thing, people assume that when I say surviving, I mean the negative and the harm, the things I wished I didn’t go through. No, no, no, no, no. All of these scars that I’ve earned are what are helping me get to the thriving piece. Like do I wish they haven’t happened? Sure, they were crappy but without them, there wouldn’t be the celebration of the thriving and that’s incredibly important piece. So, don’t think you’re dark, you’re hard. When I was crying in my bedroom a couple walls over on my knees, like “Okay God, how and what, and what is this gonna be?” Like the big women who say “Oh, don’t you wish you didn’t grow through that?”. Well sure it was awful, but without it, I wouldn’t be here. So, do not think those parts of your story or those seasons aren’t so incredibly purposeful for what is God is going to be able to bring you through. Because that is it. I think some of our most broken trauma heart can get us we need to be and really be able to thrive –Oh, the thread came back! –can get us to where we need to be and really be able to thrive. And then also, I don’t mean that I’m not gonna still have surviving. I promise you, surviving is going to weave its way into thriving, but as I learn the different things I need to do or undo with thriving, it’s going to be able to rebound faster with more enrichment and growth than other parts of my life. Does that make sense?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes. I like how you said seasons. Right when we started, you introduced it as “thriving seasons” because it’s going to be like that. It’s gonna come and go and you’re going to feel like you fell and then you need to get up. And, you know, and we have a saying that says a–I don’t know how to say it–a righteous person falls seven times and gets up. I figured it out, eventually. When your brain turns on–so, it’s not about being righteous is somebody who is up there. He is perfect, and he doesn’t fall. No! it is the guy who falls, and gets up, and falls, and gets up. And he does this seven times, and he just keeps going. And that’s the secret! It’s just keep going. Keep getting up. Keep wanting. Keep challenging yourself. Keep committing to yourself. Okay, we have a question from Maayan–
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah!
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
–And it goes like this: would love to hear both of your touch on how you managed building a business while making one-on-one time for your husband.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Love this question!
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Weeknights evaporate–yes they do! And here’s the second part of her question: I need practical ideas on ways to connect that don’t take extensive planning or date night logistics but still feel like a date.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah. Absolutely awesome. Are you going to tackle first or are you going to make me tackle first?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh, go ahead! [Laughs] I get to pick so you do it first.
BECKY DOZEMAN
I know right! I love when I don’t have to be in charge. So much fun! Okay, so here, and this one comes from a woman who her name is not coming to me, but it will come back, and I can picture her, and she is insane, amazing, like you guys will have to go check her out. I will think of the name eventually. But she kind of planted a seed that has sprouted in my life that she talks–sits down whether that’s just her spouse, whether there’s littles too, and says, “Okay, here’s mama’s schedule. Like, here is the season. This is the–this week is going to be really busy. This month is going to be busy. And then this week, I am all in Mama-Spouse land, right?” And so that’s a piece that as soon as the new year’s started, I knew what God was calling me to and I sat down my kids and I said “Okay, like, God’s put this on my heart. This is what it is going to mean for the two of you. My husband, this is what it’s going to mean to you. Are you in? Like, what do we need to do?” And I time-blocked. I time-blocked. And I–like, they are called “bursts of attention”. It’s something I work on with a lot of clients, especially kids that have trauma or attachment issues, they need bursts of attention. We all need that. We have attention cups that need to be filled. And so, with my kids, I might not have five hours a week to one-to-one with them, but I focus on the quality over quantity. Each of my kids know, if you were to ask them, they should tell you “Does mommy schedule one-on-one time where you pick what you are going to do?” They would say yes. Some weeks, it could be a whole day, right? Some weeks, it’s going to be “Man, you have ten minutes, but I’m going to put my phone in the drawer and hide it in the kitchen, and I’m going to be with you.” Same with my husband. When we’re hanging out or we’re having that time, the phone is going to go away. Because that’s disrespectful since it’s saying “I like you a lot, but not enough to not connect with the rest of the world.” That’s disrespectful to the space and the energy. So, have the discussions–and that’s a big one–have the discussions and talk about it and I will say this season, right now, when I’m hosting a retreat, I’m like “Mama’s out. Anything you get, is like bonus.” But then, I scheduled a day, when my kids did not have school, and I was all-in on mom. Like, does that make sense? But, I communicated it with careful expectations because mommy thriving, mommy’s business thriving, mommy’s marriage thriving–all of that thriving has to be woven together. But if it’s not communicated, it can be tricky. And so, I don’t mean that during that week, I didn’t still spend time with each of them, but it is like, this is what you guys are doing, so I think to answer your question: communicate it, put your phone away, and also determine “In this week, we have more space, so let’s schedule more together time. And this week, we don’t have as much of it. So how do we honor that? Peace.” I know you said another question, maybe you can answer the first one before I go further.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah so I really love those “bursts of attention” because I think, you know, Eva says this also, our mentor, she says “I rather have, like, the two hours with my daughter that are really intense with her, than have like eight hours when I’m on my phone and she doesn’t even see my eye contact.” There is something so incredibly painful about the phone, and this is one of my biggest struggles as well. When the kids are at school, I would plug my phone in to charge at 2 o’clock, when they were coming home. And so, I did not have the phone for that hour, just welcoming them, having them around, they did not see me alone the first hour they walked in. And that felt really good. Now, that my kids are home all the time because of lockdown. So, we don’t have a snow day, but we have a lockdown, and my kids are home all day, they see me working. They see me on the phone all the time. They see me texting. They see me going. They see coming. I even had a meeting today in the park, because I felt bad that they were home all day. They weren’t getting out, because I had a meeting. So I figured, I could take the meeting to the park. I Soomed in the park, and so, everybody won but they didn’t feel like I was fully there. And of course, we communicated it and it went well. But there’s still something there, that I feel–I am still finding balance because of the different change in, you know, atmosphere–that my kids are suddenly seeing me more, in front of the computer, in front of work, in front of whatever. They’re just not used to it.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, they didn’t know what you were doing because they didn’t care, they were in “Kid Land”. I go in “Kid Land” and Mom just lays around, and, you know, does nothing all day. Right?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right. You know, the cutest book that we ever read. We got this book as a present for one of my babies, when they were born, like, for the sibling. And there was this whole thing where she goes and she visits her grandparents and she goes to take a nap, and then it says “And nothing happens until she wakes up.” Like, the whole thing just pauses, and that is exactly what it feels like! You know, just like what my husband says, “All teachers die for the summer, and they wake up again to teach you the next year.” Like, they do not exist! In the summer! You don’t see them. You don’t hear them. You don’t know they are there. So in a kid’s life, it’s just…
BECKY DOZEMAN
I have no idea. I still remember running into one of my client’s little kid clients. I work a lot with kids–in the grocery store, she’s like: “You don’t live in that place? In that office? They let you out?” And I’m like, can you believe it? Like, they just don’t–they don’t get it, and that’s what’s so beautiful about their brains and development. Okay, do I have permission to tackle the “balance narrative” for a minute?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh go for it.
BECKY DOZEMAN
So three things to get into the balance narrative–this whole screen thing I’m backwards. So three things that I would really like to say to people when they’re listening to me or consuming anyone’s stuff is: take it all, leave it all. Like, I don’t expect you’re going to agree with everything or love all of the ideas. You can still like someone’s parts of what they’re sharing and not be all-in with them, and that’s okay. This is really one of these I want to give a caveat to. This is my take on balance, it could change in a year, but this is where I’m at. I was fed the narrative that balance exists. And as a woman of faith, not only can I have the career, not only can I get my masters, not only can I have the career and have the babies and balance out the things, and have the garden, and keep it organic and all the things, right? But that you should, or you need to, or that it’s possible. So I was living under this narrative that I needed to do these things. And again, marriage relation, I was exhausted, resentful, overwhelmed, because guess what? Spoiler alert! Becky could not! And so, I kind of dove into that, like, balance piece. Okay, so what does balance look like, well it’s something that’s on a fulcrum–I love that word because I’m really bad at Physics, and I know that word, so it makes me seem like I’m smart. So there’s a fulcrum right? The balance has to be on it. Well, if we are women of faith, we, by nature, buy into the narrative, that balance isn’t perfection. And, if the world is fallen and imperfect–and even if you are not a woman of faith, I think you can agree we live in a fallen, broken, messed-up place–balance is not only not attainable, it’s actually scientifically impossible. You can’t balance, because it’s just that, you can’t! So instead, when I released myself from that narrative, it was as though, it was the most freeing experience. I no longer had to think I could even pretend to do it, or act like I was. And so, the word that came out for me, which is fun, because one of our peers in our program we’re doing, her sort of system is called “Rhythms”, and that’s the thing that I have brought, it is the rhythm and the seasons. And some seasons, I am amazing with the rhythms, like I have all the things–the self-care, the marriage, and the kids, and the food, and it’s done. And then other ones, like yesterday, a little self-disclosure, my mom said “Becky how do you do it all?” I don’t! And I’m so sorry that you think I do. I don’t do it all. Someone was cleaning my house yesterday, because there were things growing in places they weren’t supposed to be. Som some weeks, I’m on top of it–own that rhythm. But, if you are living on the false assumption–
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
–that balance is possible. I encourage you to think about if it’s possible for you because I wonder if it really is. Okay so–
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I have something I want to add to that! Maayan, who is on this call, is a mutual friend from the group.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Love it.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
She had one of those free things that I listen to, that I completely and totally resonated with. She said, “stop using the word ‘balance’, and start using the word ‘harmony'”.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Love it.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Because harmony, there’s the ups and downs everything just needs to work. And it’s okay, like you said, I love the word “seasons”, again like it keeps coming up. There are gonna be seasons where I am down. There are gonna be seasons where I am up. There’s gonna be seasons when I have a baby and I’m not going to be full-on with my business. There are some seasons where I’m full-on with my business and I’m so excited and you know, thriving. And there are some, you know, whatever it is, that just keeps going. Because we are cyclical, we are women. We are not supposed to be like beeeep, it’s not. It’s never going to work. It’s never going to work. If you think you are supposed to be straight all day long, you’re going to fall all the time, because you’re going to hold yourself to a level that’s not even natural to you. It’s not supposed to be that way. And actually having those downs is part of going back up. It’s part of the cycle. You have to get through it. So, I think it might work for that word.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, that’s awesome. I know that probably harmony might be the better word for it. And what I love is that people like think we like know all the things and we do not. And I love learning from other people. Harmony, synergy, yeah so fun! And they are fun words, they make us sound like we know what we’re talking about so I love them.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah totally. And you know, this is my sister Lilach, she’s a doctor in audiology. And she is so cute. She’s like “I don’t even own an iron.” Just saying. She’s an audiologist. She’s a doctor. She is so awesome and she has children, husband, everything. And, she is one of those people that is really doing it all, except she’s doing it so gracefully, because she is so in touch with what she doesn’t do. And she had this great video about how do you have a well-rounded life? You keep cutting corners.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Oh yeah that’s great.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah so it’s amazing. And you cut a different corner every time, so that you never end up with like too much of a–
BECKY DOZEMAN
A wonky circle
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You’re like, you cut off this corner, like, I flaked on my friend. But next time, you just take a, you know, a cab or the next time you go take out food, and the next time whatever. So, you’re not perfect in any area, but you’re able to sort of make it work because you’re able to keep it well-rounded. I love that.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah there’s so many different ways we can take that. Like that’s just the beginning of a discussion on that. Like keeping it well-rounded. I love that and taking off the sharp edges. I’m not going to go with it, the thread will take me forever. So, if people are out there wondering “how can I have a thriving marriage?” I will encourage you to wrestle with the release of the assumption that balance is even possible. I would say that our culture and world is trying really hard to help us love ourselves into doing self-help and all of that. But we can have another live on how I think that it’s inadvertently missing some points and actually creating more overwhelming anxiety, “I can’t do it all.”, within a lot of women, which then, affects the marriage space. Because overall anxious women, are not showing up.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
No. Step one is, really, get to a point where you’re happy and thriving and then your marriage will automatically follow because it is exactly what it needs to be. Okay, yeah.
BECKY DOZEMAN
While you’re looking at questions, this one might, like I’m listing down some of my favorite nuggets, it’s not because they’re my favorite, but because they’ve resonated the most and I’ve been applying them. I kind of call it, you know, like, my, I don’t know, beta-testing and my kids. One of my favorite new ones, and again, I don’t know who I got it from and maybe it came from my brain but I’m not sure, so often when we’re doing relationship repair because we messed up, we’re saying to someone “Oh it’s okay.” Like if they say “Hey, you know, I’m sorry that they did this. It’s okay.” One of the things that we shifted in my space, or in our space here, is, instead of “it’s okay” because really, the thing that the person did really wasn’t okay. “it’s actually not okay to make fun of your sister.” “It’s actually not okay to throw your brother’s toy down the stairs or whatever.” It’s actually not okay, like that’s not what we want. And so, my new favorite is now I would love to see how other people liked it is instead to say “you’re forgiven.” “you are forgiven.” Not that it’s okay. Not even “I forgive you” because, really, we don’t have the ability as broken people to do that because we probably still hold on to 1%. That’s why I love saying “you are forgiven” like that’s like above us. Anyways…
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I love that. I love how you brought it up. You can forgive without making what they did okay. And that’s a huge huge mindset shift.
BECKY DOZEMAN
It is.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Because one of the biggest things that we believe, and the reason why we hold on to so much pain is if I let go of this, it will make it okay. And it’s not true.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Right.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You holding on to it is just making you suffer and is not really serving anyone. But if you can let go and say, it is not my job to hold on to this…
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You’ll deal with your stuff, and I just need to let it go. Forgiving is completely not the same as making it okay.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Absolutely.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
And I love that you separated those two really important pieces.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, and it’s been a huge shift within my sort of journey and same with my husband’s as well. So there’s a time where I’m like yeah, it’s not okay how I spoke to you cause in fact he gets spicy and hot. Like there are things that… If you think I can talk fast, when I’m spicy and hot, I’ve got words for days. And Jason’s like how did you just come up with that? Well, imagine spicy and hot Becky like it could be mean. And so me being able to say to him like hey, it was not okay for me to talk that way to you. Like that’s not okay. Don’t tell me it was okay cause it’s not. But I think the other side of this, we’re not getting into this discussion, but I think there are also spaces in marriages where there is trauma and hurt and abuses, it’s not emotionally or physically safe. And I think it’s also really important that there’s some not okay things, you know? And that within marriage that are supposed to like, they are told they’re okay and they’re not.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
So that’s a different discussion. Yeah. I think there needs to be a space for that, but relationship repair’s my favorite thing to work on with people because they think that saying sorry or apologizing means it creates the space for the behavior to be acceptable. Behavior can still be unacceptable, but there can still be that space for that grace. And we as mom… So here’s a little… If you’re a mom, or if you’re just a woman who has littles in her life — neighbors, your teacher, whatever, and I think that’s why people think I just work with moms, I work with women because women are impacting our next generations in amazing capacities that I think we can model that relationship repair for our little people because when they become big people and they are in a committed relationship, they can then do the relationship repair. Cause if we could get all of our littles to learn relationship repair and being able to say “I’m sorry,” or receiving the “I’m sorry” and saying “You’re forgiven,” I think we could create some amazing healing in the world that’s gonna be so let’s model that. When my husband and I argue, and the kids see it, we’re not big arguers, but I get spicy and hot, we let them also see the relationship repair, right? We let them see, hey, I wanna let you guys know that it wasn’t okay how mommy talks to daddy or vice versa. I think that’s a beautiful thing cause kids look at us until they’re old enough to realize that we don’t know anything and they know everything. There is a time at which when they’re little, they think that we are the keepers of all of the truth.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right, and we’re modelling it. We’re modeling it, and I think one of the beautiful things that I learned from my parents that I really like to give over is that when we’re educating, we’re not educating kids to be kids. We’re educating them to be adults. And that’s a huge shift because if you educate kids to be kids, all you want him is to sit still and listen and just do what you say.
BECKY DOZEMAN
That sounds exhausting.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
And that’s terrible, exhausting, and just not serving him at all. But if you educate the kid to be an adult, then you’re thinking ahead, then you’re really giving him tools, then you’re really going out of your way to model what you want, that is serving him and that is serving the world, really. So…
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, so beautiful.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Okay. Okay. Let’s see. How can people follow you cause we’re running out of time…
BECKY DOZEMAN
Sure.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
…and I don’t want you to have to run without telling people how awesome you are and how they can find you.
BECKY DOZEMAN
You’re sweet. Yes, so my website is under Thriving Construction, but you can find me on Instagram @awholeheartedfitmom, follow me there. My stories will be full of the chaos and the not make-up and the realness and the being late, and you get health and wellness stuff. Yeah, and my feed is really about showing up in your imperfections and creating space and grace for that. That’s really my heart. And then on Facebook, Becky Dozeman. Just find her, I have a business page but most of my stuff is right on there and yeah, I’m really excited about you know… I shared a little a bit about in the fall that I think the biggest thing that the Lord has taught me lately is that when we’re standing on the edge of a river, and looking over to the other side, like we have this outcome or something, this goal, and we’re sitting in there, it’s like a chiasm like how do I get there? What I know, what I always want is my perfectionist Type A, I wanna do it all right, like I wanna just teleport myself to the other side, right? But I need to know the outcome, I was always attached to the outcome.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And what has been the biggest learning is that it’s not possible and we shouldn’t… And so what I have done is very slowly, and I’m using a Lego analogy because I have an 11-year-old son who’s obsessed with Lego’s, it is about one Lego at a time, like one step in faithfulness, and you might then have one foot going to the next one. You’re like, I’m not sure where it is. Like build me the whole bridge, he’s not gonna do that. Like it’s not gonna happen. It is one faithful step and waiting in stillness and breath and not knowing. And I can tell you, I have lived through more survival seasons than thriving seasons, but the greatest learning for me was the surrender and the being on my knees and to allow things to run through me that I, with His presence, and to say okay, I have no idea what’s next…
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
But this is where you’re meeting me today.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And my ability to do that has allowed my marriage to… I even said to my husband, what’ve the last six weeks been, since I’ve been in this… building this space, and he’s like, I’ll just like you even more. Like I just… I like you better. And how cool, after 15 years of marriage, my husband likes more. Like that’s a gift, right?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And my son said, mommy, I don’t think you have to apologize to me all week for being cranky. I’m like, why? When does that happen? And so I think if we could find a space of living into who we’re created to be with all the imperfections and all the sharp edges, and we can do that in an authentic way asking for help, setting boundaries, not doing it all, whatever that looks like, the abundance in the marriage and the kids is possible. My last thing I’m gonna say well, maybe, is that it’s okay if you’re listening and like overwhelmed and saying I’m not there, Becky. Like I’m in survival mode. I can barely get the legs in the pants in the morning. Girl, it is okay. Your season might not be full thrived, your season might be surrender, stillness, growth, healing. Be there. Like, be there. Don’t come here where your Lego bridges to someone else’s because that is just going backwards. So just wrapping that, like I’ll finally be like oh, you’re a lot. Yes. Or I couldn’t do that. Well, you don’t know that. And then the thread that I lost before is to talk about fear and to saying no and how for you, the courage came with the saying more yes, it is proven by research and super smart people who did the work to be able to help me say this. You will never do anything in here that doesn’t also grow your brave. Like if you are feeling anxiety and fear, be prepared for a lot of courage and bravery cause you are gonna need both. I’m done.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Amen. [Laughs]. They say that everything you’re looking for is on the other side of fear, you just have to get through it. And you have to do it, you know, do it scared.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Everyday.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You’ll be scared, you do it anyway. You know, when I signed up for the program, it was only two weeks ago.
BECKY DOZEMAN
It’s been more than.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I know, it’s crazy. It was like…
BECKY DOZEMAN
We’ve been friends for like 10 days.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
[Laughs] Two and a half weeks ago.
BECKY DOZEMAN
And now I’m gonna come to Israel in the next 5 years and hang out with you so…
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
For sure! Two and a half weeks ago, I said to my husband, I’m so scared because signing up means I’m committing to myself, I’m committing to my people, I’m committing to actually amplifying my message, I’m committing to doing God’s will. Like this is huge, and it’s scary. And he was like, okay so you put the fear aside, and you do it anyway. And I was like, okay! That is so…
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, feel the fear and do the brave, right? Feel the fear and be brave anyway!
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, and when I told Eva, she was like, everyone should have a husband like yours.
BECKY DOZEMAN
I know, right?
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right? I know. It’s something that first of all, is why I’m a marriage coach is because I had to get to that point and believe me, we’re 15 years married and it wasn’t always like this. It really took a lot to build and you know, sharpen and really get to that point cause I had times when I was resentful and frustrated and annoyed and ugh I can’t believe this and whatever. You have those seasons, too. And growing through them like you said, all those scars and the things that we had to go through, they’re fuel for moving forward. You have to be able to like you know… I think as you said, fall forward. Like if you’re gonna fall, fall forward anyway.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Like you did to fuel you to go move forward. So I love that. And I have a link to share with you guys, it’s the registration for my 7-day retreat, connectedforreal.com/retreat. And it is going to be epic. It is called The Marriage Breakthrough Retreat, and it is exactly that. We’re gonna breakthrough to the other side where you didn’t think it was possible. So if you’re in that place of ugh, I am sick and tired of being resentful, of being frustrated, and doing it all alone, we’re gonna get you out of there and on to the next level. And if you’re like oh my marriage is great, it’s fine, it’s mediocre, it’s okay, it’s not bad, you’re gonna get to the next level. And if you think that oh I have the best and it can never get any better, oh yes it can. And those are the people who need it because it’s just incredible what you can do when you finally get in touch with all of that amazing goodness. So make sure you go, sign up right now because it is going to be amazing. Do you wanna add to that?
BECKY DOZEMAN
Well, I can just say I have already have it scheduled into my week in a couple of weeks for it, and I think that having this growth opportunities is so life-giving and I love that you have stepped into your fear and brought brave and courage along with that piece, to be able to bless women and I’m so excited. It’s funny how we both have spaces in which we’re helping women and that we can support each other in that. It’s just such a gift. I’m so sick of women being competitive, I love that we can do that so yeah. I’m really honored for the way so Bat-Chen has the Connected for Real marriage coaching piece and I work with women in holistic wellness, mind, body, soul, spiritual with a lovely free retreat, which will be coming second round this spring so if you follow me, you’ll hear information and then my She Thrives program just launched, where we’re helping take all of the things that they have wanted and walk it alongside of them, and it has been the greatest fear experiment of my entire life, but God’s all in it so I don’t think I can mess it up because He’s leading it. So I’m excited about that.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Oh it’s exactly like that. First of all, it took so much courage to even just ask for what I wanted and the whole time, I was praying like… you know, show me the way, guide me, tell me what you want from me, blah blah blah and it was always like yes, yes, yes, I’m getting there, I’m getting closer.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah, yes.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
And then finally, when I said the words like I want to amplify the message, I want to bring your presence into people’s homes like I am so committed, then boom. Within a week, I was already signed up, and knew exactly what I was doing because it comes to you when you’re finally open and ready. And I wanted to do a retreat because I really didn’t want to give them like a webinar, or this one thing, like I don’t want to give you a taste of something and leave you hungry. I want to really give you the full thing so that you can know what to do next. Like that’s really one of the things that’s so important.
BECKY DOZEMAN
So important. I mean, seriously what you’re going to be bringing in this week and if you are considering whether or not you should be there, stop considering and just get yourself in there because the value is going to blow your mind. And if you’re watching this later, like stop procrastinating, do the thing, and sign up for the retreat because this girl’s gonna bring it. And I can’t wait. I cannot wait. It’s gonna be amazing.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Woo! I have here a really good, cool comment from my mother who says that now, this week is the holiday of Tu B’Shvat in the Jewish calendar and that’s the New Year of the trees.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Mhmm.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
And it’s so beautiful because just like the tree has different seasons and that’s what she was bringing in, it works so well with this week.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Oh great.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Because the tree has to go through all those seasons and it… you know, you have to just have that faith to know that it’s part of the process and it’s natural.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Yeah.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
So I love that you brought that up. Thank you.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Awesome.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Thank you.
BECKY DOZEMAN
That’s incredible. Oh, I love that! I mean, we can talk forever, but I’m gonna stop talking cause I know we need to be done and wrap up.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah [laughs].
BECKY DOZEMAN
But thank you so much for this space, to come here. It feels like a real gift.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Thank you, Becky! Thank you everyone who came and commented, make sure you come back next week because every week, there is a live, and every week, they are awesome. And this week happens to be one of the best ones cause Becky was here.
BECKY DOZEMAN
Oh great.
REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You can’t, you know…. Ah I’m so happy so thank you so much for you and for everyone and I look forward to seeing you next week. And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don’t forget, you can be connected for real.