89. Superficial Marriages & Intimacy

What’s a superficial marriage & how do we deepen it?
Let’s get into it today on the podcast!


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Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Robertson Batran Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.

And we are live. Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman. And today we’re talking about superficial marriages and the opposite, which is deeply intimate marriages. And how do we go from one to the other? What do we have to do? What are the steps? And today we’re getting into all of it.

So let’s. First thing is, what do I mean by a superficial marriage? And, let me just paint it for you. There are way too many people in this world who are married and they look like everything’s okay from the outside and it just seems to work. The kids get to school on time and they’re picked up on time and there’s food on the table and things just run and it seems from the outside that they have a normal good marriage, but on the inside, there is something lacking.

There is a core. That isn’t being met. And that core is a connection. It’s an intimate, authentic connection that can only be achieved when you put your mind to and become intentional about it. And so what ends up happening is that suddenly something will explode or suddenly something just goes Wonkers and they get divorced or they separate and you’re like, what happened?

They were such a good marriage. They were such a good couple. They were so cute together. And this is what I fight tooth and nail about in this world. I feel so passionate about. reversing superficial marriages and deepening and helping you create the marriage that you really want. I call it a rock solid marriage because deep down in the core, if you are rock solid and you really establish a foundation, then On the outside, things could be looking a little bit messy, and it’s not always 100%, and it doesn’t matter because there’s something really, really strong on the core.

So, let’s start by talking about romance. You know, a lot of us are following people on social media and we’re seeing pictures and grew up on movies And it’s just like oh, it’s so romantic And it’s so fluffy and you get butterflies in your stomach And so you expect it to be that way and you get behind closed doors and it’s not like that and it feels very Like real life.

What is this? You know, this is not what I expected. And we get disappointed. And then we also get concerned because we think that there’s something wrong with us. So let’s just establish there is nothing wrong with you. And the opposite is actually true. You are exactly where you need to be and you are experiencing real life.

A lot of what’s happening behind closed doors is You know, just never been taught. Is never been given to you in a way that you can contain it and do something about it That is why I am running the intimacy masterclass on december 17th. We’re doing it live. It’s 90 minutes I’ll tell you all about it at the end But I think that it’s one of those really important skills that just hasn’t been talked about if you are in a hurry and want to go check it out right now, go to connectedforreal.

com slash intimacy and you’ll get all the details there. You could sign up right away and get all those bonuses. It’s super fun. But you know, the most important thing is that at the end of the day, a deeply intimate marriage means an authentic connection. That goes way deeper than just a romantic, fluffy, oh, this is so cute and, you know, Instagram worthy type of experience.

It is so wonderful when you can reach it, but in order to reach it, you’ve got to go through some. Uncluttering. Uncluttering. I like that. We’re decluttering a little bit of our beliefs, okay? So, first thing is you have to let someone into your world, right? And a big thing that I hear a lot of women say is like, I just want my husband to get me.

He doesn’t get me. I just want him to get me. And that’s, that’s amazing. Cause we all feel the same way. It’s like, you think you’re the only one and then you find out there’s an entire room full of people who all agree because it is a real need and it’s a real want, and we’re sitting around going, Oh, why doesn’t he get it?

You know, or why is he such a guy? And so the first thing I want you to know is that for someone else to get you the way that you mean it, you know, you know, you know what you mean when you say I just wanted to get me for someone else to get you, you have to let them in and we’re very scared to let them in because there is risk involved.

You know, I’m afraid to get hurt. I’m afraid he won’t get me. I’m afraid he’ll say the wrong thing. I’m afraid he’s going to criticize. I’m afraid he’s going to hurt my feelings. All these things are. legitimate and we’re afraid of them. So, you know, protective mechanism goes, shut the doors, don’t let them in.

And so we have this like inner conflict, like I want him to get me, but I’m not really willing to let him in. And so he’s not going to ever get me fully until I surrender that part of. My, you know, protection mechanism. And of course there is a way to do it in a safe way. You’re not gonna, you know, open up all doors to anyone, but you want to feel safe and secure in this intimate relationship.

And that is one of the first things that we talk about into intimacy masterclass. We get really practical about it. Share your emotions, start by just. Sharing how you’re feeling right now, you know, what’s been going on, what’s been going on behind the scenes, you know, you could sit down and say, I’ve been really strong on the outside, and I’ve been holding down the fort and I’ve been functioning, but on the inside, I feel like I’m falling apart.

I feel like I’m not doing my best. I feel like I’m really hard on myself. I feel like there’s just too much to handle. I feel like I’m carrying too much. I’m holding too much. I am protecting a lot of other people, you know, and so I’m, I’m being spread thin. All these emotions are so real, and when you can share them, that is.

Opening the door to someone else, seeing you for who you really are and for what you’re really experiencing. And that real experience that you’re sharing is going to allow for the other person to see you and feel you. You know, in the way that you don’t have to fake it. You don’t have to do anything. You just are Now the most beautiful thing that I’ve learned and I think is really important for you to know right now Is that when you are going to share you need to tell them you need to prepare them You need to say i’m going to share with you how i’m doing behind the scenes and I need you to I don’t know.

What do you need them to? Do you need them to listen? Do you need them to just hold you? Do you need them to, you know, be there for you? I need you to hold space. Okay? So whatever your language is, be sure to be clear about what your needs are so that they’re met. So that, you know, you don’t leave the other person hanging.

It’s like, okay, listen up. Here’s what’s going on in my life. And then suddenly it’s like, wait, is this a competition? Cause there’s a lot of things going on in my life too. So. You know, I like to say is not, I do not want to hear what’s going on in your life right now. I need to empty myself out of all the stuff that’s happening inside me.

And only then will I tell you when I’m ready to hear back what’s going on with you, you know, because there’s a natural tendency that we have to share about. Our similar situation so that we can feel like, Hey, I’m with you in this because I feel the same way. But sometimes that’s not exactly what you need to hear.

So be really honest about it. And honesty is the next thing, right? Because we want to be authentic. And we want this connection to not be, you know, part of the superficiality is that we’re trying to create a certain look and we’re trying to go for a certain connection and we think that it needs to be a certain way.

So we also need to make it happen a certain, you know, way and and sort of engineer it and we end up. faking it because we need it to be this way. And I want you to drop all those things. I want you to stop and I want you to realize that actually it is about being authentic. It’s about being you. And one of the hardest things is being you when you yourself don’t know what that means.

So we are going to talk a little bit about that at the intimacy masterclass where it’s like, how do I find myself again? You know, how do I connect to who I’ve become and how do I then represent that in a way that feels really true and really real without, being too shaky. So getting in touch with ourselves, connecting to ourselves before expecting the other person to connect to us is a huge thing and it’s so beautiful.

So it looks messy. You know, real intimacy does not look all perfect and, you know, butterflies and sparkles and all that fluffy stuff that we grew up on, but it actually looks messy. It’s awkward at times. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scary. It’s unknown. And we do not like unknown. I don’t have to tell you that we like to control things.

We like to know how it’s going to go. We like to just have the end of the story. So we can, you know, go through the motions, but know that it’s all going to work out. And for some reason, that’s not what God wanted. Right. And so he created this world with a lot of unknowns and, and that’s scary because we don’t like that.

And just being aware of that and, and being, you know, okay with that is already a step in the right direction.

So why are we avoiding focusing on our intimacy? You know, a lot of people I speak to are like, Hey, I’m doing the intimacy masterclass. It’s 97. It’s happening on December 17th. Are you coming? No, I don’t know. not the thing I’m doing right now. I’m not focusing on that. I have so many things on my plate.

There’s just too much going on, blah, blah, blah, all the excuses. And, you know, legit, there’s a lot going on and we’re going through a lot. So I’m not saying those are. Wrong excuses. They’re totally legit excuses. But still, when you realize that, especially during hard times, the thing that is going to get you through it is that deep connection is that rock solid marriage, then you understand that this is what needs to come first, right?

You focus on the things that matter the most and they will. make the most movement in the right direction. So, you know, the 80, 20 rule, your intimacy is definitely 80. Okay. When you invest in your intimacy, you are investing in every part of your life because you. Are affected by everything in your intimacy and your intimacy affects everything else and this is something that also you guys know Listening to my podcast is very much my thing How does our marriage affect everything else and how does everything else affect our marriage is the theme of this podcast?

and specifically intimacy because it is the core of marriage and Your kids are going to feel a difference. Your parenting is going to be different. Your career is going to start to thrive. By the way, a lot of people find that their husband ends up being more successful because something shifted and their relationship and the way that they were able to connect it is magical.

But then again, it actually makes total sense and it’s not magical at all, but it feels magical because it almost feels like it’s impossible. Okay, and this is why a lot of people will not even go for it. They won’t take the step. They won’t sign up because they’ll be like, I don’t know. I’m not really sure it’s even worth it because.

You know, we’re too far gone or you know, our marriage sort of works. So why break it? You know, like why make it? Different if it’s just fine And again, fine is not fine and okay is not okay when we’re talking about intimacy and your marriage because When things are just fine, then yeah, having a fine marriage will last and will hold up.

But as soon as something hits, you know, like COVID, like the war, like something, you know, personal in your life, it’s inevitable that you’re going to have to suddenly have to deal with the fact that, Hey, my foundation here is not holding me up. I’m shaking. I am wavering.

There’s just too much, too much wind, too much turbulence. I’m not okay with this. And this will come up and it suddenly will hit you in the face and that’s not the time you want to be dealing with it. So yes, preventative is always the best measure, but now that we are in the middle of a war or, you know, in the middle of difficult times, whatever that means for you, this is the.

Next best time to take care of it because it will just snowball from here if you don’t okay so this is why we avoid it and One of the biggest reasons why avoid it and why I believe It is so hard to sell what I’m selling. Right. Even though like you would think like, Oh, this is a no brainer, you know, come to an intimacy masterclass and learn everything you need to know about up leveling and creating that rock solid marriage and really dealing with hard times, being able to create that safe and secure space where you are, who you are, and you’re loved for exactly what you are, but we don’t believe we deserve it.

Right. There is something about our brain that tells us like, no, is this too scary and it’s not even worth it. It’s not worth it because the price is too high. Like, what if I get rejected? What if I feel really awkward about it? What if she says something that like. rubs me the wrong way or what if I actually have homework to do and I’m going to have to like do something about it, you know, there’s all these fears that your brain is protecting itself from and that’s normal and it’s normal because your brain is going to do what brains do, which is protect you and keep you safe.

Okay. So be okay with that. Be okay with the fact that your brain is doing what brains do and allow yourself to open up to believe that Not only is it possible, but also you deserve it. You deserve it. We started out by saying that, you know, intimacy in our minds was always painted as like this, like fluffy, lovey dovey, oh my gosh, butterflies in my stomach, so magical and like little fairies and sparkles and sprinkles and all the yummy stuff.

And in reality, it’s not like that. And so your brain will just be like, maybe there’s something wrong with me, so I’m not willing to go there. And maybe it’s because I don’t deserve it that I don’t have it. Because if I would have deserved it, then I would have had it. And this is a big problem because it’s such a non truth.

Okay you deserve everything. And It does not have anything to do with what you have or don’t have. And a lot of times one of our things about living this world and being on this journey is becoming right. And so I am becoming the next version of myself. I am getting to the next level of who I need to be.

And part of that is learning new skills is sharpening the things that I can sharpen. It’s getting out of my comfort zone in order to, allow for growth. And actually, if you don’t have it and you know it’s possible, you go for it and you make it happen. And then it feels that much more powerful. And I once learned about in business, this is, this is what it’s all about, right?

It’s not really about making money. It’s not really about selling more. It’s not really about all that superficial stuff. It’s about who you’re becoming along the way. Right. For me, when I signed up to my first coach, I, I felt this like, Oh my God, I’m growing, I’m becoming a leader. I don’t know if I can handle it.

I’m. So scared. I was scared out of my mind and my husband said, well, if this is what you were made for, then this is what you need to do. And everything I did that year made me who I am and who I needed to be in order to get to this place. Right? So I’m constantly growing myself and my vessel in order to allow more in.

And I think it’s the same also in your personal life. There are things that you are just going to have to become intentional about in order to make them. And once they work, you will become a bigger, more capable version of yourself that can contain all of that abundance. Okay. And so you deserve it because you deserve everything that’s good and there’s nothing wrong with you.

I know that because there’s nothing wrong with any of us. We’re exactly where we need to be. And I highly recommend that you come and join the intimacy masterclass because it is the only place where we’re going to be bringing God into it. And I know I just blew your mind, but I want you to know that God is so spiritual, right?

Like we think of God as something up there and really, really high. And then we think of intimacy as like the most physical thing you could be doing. And so they don’t really mix and it doesn’t really work. It sounds like a contradiction, but if you look into it and if you learn about it, you realize that actually this is one of the deepest ways to connect to God and that in this moment, God is right there and he is a partner in this connection.

And one of the most beautiful things that I’ve heard is, you know, a woman told me she gets her downloads during that time. Where she feels like, ah, I got an answer for something or, ah, I feel so much more clarity. And this is so true. And, you know, maybe in one masterclass, you won’t be able to like, Oh, achieve, you know, the next highest level of whatever, but it will put you in the right direction and send you towards the goals.

Okay. So not only are we getting really practical about the real things, but we’re also going to be addressing topics that. Don’t get addressed anywhere else. And I think that is one of the things that makes this intimacy masterclass. So so special. Somebody once told me that what made my intimacy masterclass special was that I didn’t say any words that made her cringe And I think I do that because I naturally am like that too.

I don’t feel comfortable Speaking very openly, especially not in public about things like these. But I think that once you realize that your intimacy is the core of everything else, then you go into that core with a much more open mind and a willingness to become intentional so that you can create the marriage that you always wanted and then let it spill over into every aspect of your life.

So. I would like to invite you to the intimacy masterclass. It’s happening live on December 17th and it costs 97. You’re essentially getting two masterclasses for the price of one. Besides the live masterclass on December 17th, you also get instant access to the intimacy masterclass one, which has all the basics about how to bring back the fireworks and why am I not in the mood and what to do in order to get in the mood and you know, all the basics that we are, you know, leaving for the basics, you have instant access to that.

You can watch it right now as soon as you buy it. And the other bonus is a one on one session with me. I’m calling them implementation calls. You can ask me any questions you can bring up. Whatever issues you want is 15 minutes of me and you just us on zoom, where you can pick my brain about anything.

And this is something that I’ve offered in the past. And I found that it was just so powerful. First of all, because I love people and I love connecting. And second of all, because I just feel like with this topic specifically. It is so uncomfortable to write in the chat, like, Hey, I have a question or something specific about this, that, the other is so much more comfortable to sign up for a one on one and ask the question privately.

So I’m allowing you to do that anytime you can do it right now. Like some people have scheduled their one on ones. for right away and other people have found that they want to save it for after the session. That’s fine too. Whenever you want to use your one on one implementation call, feel free to do that, but just know that is one of the bonuses.

So actually this, you know, when I was telling my coach this, she was like, this sounds like a crazy deal because it’s not just a 90 minute masterclass, which in itself would be totally worth it, but you’re giving them the intimacy masterclass one recording and also one on one coaching like this sounds bananas.

So yes, it is. I’m doing it on purpose because I want you to have everything you need in order to thrive and in order to grow and in order to, you know, allow this. Next step into your life. I also think that right now, where we are in history and how we are in the world, the most important thing is to bring God’s presence home, you know, into your home, into your bedroom, into yourself, and to deepen that connection with your husband and to create that safe and secure rock solid space that is the core of everything else.

And I’m doing it for that. And I’m excited about it and I can’t wait for you to come join. So the link is connected for real. com slash intimacy. I welcome you and I can’t wait to see you. And if you’d like to share or you feel excited about inviting your friends, please do.

I love you all. I cannot wait to see you next time and thank you for joining me today.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.