190. Become a Receiver in Marriage

Transcript:

 Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started. 

 And we are  live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman. I’m a marriage coach for women in Business and successful careers, and today with me is Chani Chani. Introduce yourself. We are going to be talking about receiving and marriage. Just a heads up, this is the topic and it’s actually loaded with awesome, awesome insights.

So stay tuned and let’s do it. Honey, introduce yourself. Yes, hi. Okay, Chani, I’m so excited to be here. This is such an honor, such a pleasure. I love speaking about this topic. So I’m gonna give a small introduction. I’m. chan   I work with people to help release their past traumas. And of course, marriage is always a big one.

And I became so passionate and, you know, being on the journey of my marriage, making it from good to greater to amazing Baruch Hashem to passionate about helping women out there all over the world get to that amazing, loving, blissful, passionate electric place in their marriage. And that’s what spurred me on to create the Intimacy Secret Summits, which I did a year and a half ago, two and a half years ago.

They both went out to approximately 25,000 women in like two weeks. So yeah, that was really, really, really special. I’m very, very humbled and grateful for that. And now we’re here because I’m just passionate and.  Just so deeply passionate and committed to take any opportunity to speak about my passion and mission, which is helping women in their marriages and deep inner peace and healing.

So both of them together, I think, you know, this is what this is all about, and that’s why I’m here. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for having me.  You’re welcome. Thank you for being here. This is really a pleasure. So let’s talk about receiving. So let me just give  an introduction to how I do things around here in this podcast.

We have four pillars. Those are my four pillars that I work in with my clients in my own business, the four pillars are God is at the core, marriage and business or success. They work together and you are the fourth pillar. You are the container that holds all the parts of your life. And without you, everything else does not have a place to be.

It doesn’t have a way to be expressed in the world. And so it’s really, really important for us to take care of all four pillars because, you know, if one of them is shaky or if one of them is weak, you are going to feel the imbalance. And what we want is to create flow. So, you know, we focus on all four pillars around here.

That’s one of the awesome things about the work I do. It’s really not about one thing or another thing. It’s about the holistic, balanced approach, making sure that. We are focusing on the four main things in your life. So for most people listening, for most women listening God is at the core of everything they do.

Or at least they want that to be the case and they have a little bit of God baggage to take care of, which is totally fine ’cause we all have that. And the more you are aware of it, the more it will just, you know, unravel and you’ll get there. They’re married  and they have a business, a passion, a successful thing that they are going after. 

And then, you know, we can’t forget you as the container. It is one thing that I find a lot of people are not addressing and not speaking about is how you expand yourself to contain all this with spaciousness and peace and calm and all the good stuff. So now that we spoke about the four pillars,  what we like to do around here and my podcast is take a.

Topic and then address it from the four angles. And so there is receiving and God, which was last week, receiving and marriage, which is now receiving, and business will be next week and receiving. And you will be the week after  every month we really address receiving or whatever the topic is from all the angles with different guests.

And I think that’s one of the things that makes it so awesome that there is so much to say about each topic, that it really deserves a full month.  So let’s get into receiving.  How do we receive? What are we receiving? Isn’t it all about giving?  Let’s get into it. Yeah. I love the question. So we definitely, the way we are raised is very much into the giving, which giving is amazing and sometimes I actually help my clients when they.

Want something in their life to actually expand and like, if I want it, where can I give that? Which this is an amazing topic in and of itself. The only thing that I found with myself coming out of school and learning and that I see, you know, in today’s day and age is that the focus is only on the giving.

And we want to remember that there’s actually an in-breath and an outbreath. We can’t just only be exhaling. ’cause exhaling alone, it’s very nice. The trees are gonna get a lot of, you know, the whatever they need, but we’re not gonna be able to stay alive that way. So especially when it comes to marriage, being that receiving is a feminine trait.

And I love going into feminine traits. There are there many more that I would love to speak about if we have the time, but one of them is receiving.  It’s our physical nature. We are, and, and our physical makeup, we, the receiving ca ballistically. Do I need to translate that? And the deeper, deeper Torah, you know, that  the feminine is the container, is the vessel for everything.

And if we see in the world, right, the moon is the feminine that we see from the sun. The earth is mother earth receiving the rain. So in marriage  it’s like not only nice, it’s actually like one of the foundations, I would say, because the masculine can, can try to give and naturally they want to.

If we don’t see that in our husbands, then that, you know, we wanna kind of, you know, understand how and why that happened. There might be things covering it up, but naturally the masculine is the giver, the bestower, and the feminine is the container and the receiver. So we wanna tap back into that because. 

With, with our receiving so much in our marriage could really thrive. And  I like to give this little analogy or, you know, little example. So let’s say to help understand, you know, how important receiving is in a marriage. So let’s say you have a girl, okay, she’s 14, she’s 15, she’s 16, and you are sweeping up the house.

Okay. You just had, you know, a, a, a shabbas meal or any, you know,  party and  you’re sweeping up and your teenage daughter comes over and she says, ma, I’m gonna take over the room. It’s fine. I’ll do the sweeping. Wow. Beautiful. Who wouldn’t want a daughter like that? That is so special. You know? And she just actually did a mitzvah, which is like a good deed of respecting her parents, right?

Right Now what happens if the same girl is in a school event and they’re having a party at school? You know, and, and a friend is sweeping of the house and she goes over and she says, you know, Leah, Sarah, I’ll do the sweeping. It’s fine. Just give it over. That’s beautiful. That’s a chesed, that’s a good deed.

It’s not respecting a parent, but it’s still a nice deed right? Now what happens if she comes home in her own house and her husband takes the broom and her husband starts sweeping the floor and she goes over and she says, don’t worry, I’ll do it. I’ll take care of it. Now, something very, very different just happened over here.

And normally, naturally, a girl in today’s day and age, if she’s not being taught and how to come in receiving in our marriage, will not understand what just happened, because fireworks are not gonna go off. But something  in her husband’s masculine energy just got dimed.  You know, if you, if you imagine like a dimmer switch, you know, he’s not gonna go shack.

No, I, I I’m gonna do it. He might say that, he might just give it over to you, but something in his masculine energy, just God dimmed because he naturally wanted to do that for you. And it’s different than a mother child relationship or the relationship between a few female friends. So if a woman would know that, as she sees her husband sweeping the floor and she goes, I feel like a queen when you do that for me or for the house.

That is like, it’s, it’s a game changer. It’s a real gift. And I’m so passionate about this because I feel when girls come in and they can understand this early on in their marriage, ask him to catch a buck for you. Ask him to open the pickle jar for you. Let him be your man. Like  you know, all of us were made up masculine, feminine energy. 

And it’s okay. I’m very masculine most of the day. I’m giving classes, I’m doing stuff very, very masculine. And masculine is amazing. We all, we have both. We wanna have both men actually, they have masculine feminine energy too. If they’re learning their feminine energy and it’s okay. It’s perfectly embrace your masculine energies as well.

Have fun with it. Do amazing things with it, you know. But if you look outside, you see construction worker, they’re have a construction hat on ’cause they’re working all day. They come home. They don’t have to go to sleep with it. Like they don’t have to sit around with it all day. It’s like, if we’re having that masculine hat on, take it off for the sake of your marriage, just for the sake of the marriage.

Take over that construction hat or that masculine hat come back into your presence of receiving and holding that space. And there’s so much more I wanna say about this, but you know, let’s say if you have any. Insights. Wow. Okay.  There was two points that you brought here that I really love.

Number one is we’re so used to being around our female friends and our family that the things that we do there that are considered really great and totally aligned and not a problem at all. Not that there’s ever a problem, but you know, it just, it doesn’t even  bring up any question.  Sometimes when you translate it into your marriage will  cause certain things to happen behind the scenes that we are not aware of.

And I think that is such  an eyeopener.  Such an eyeopener. That sometimes you could do the same thing in two different situations.

One is the right way or the natural way, and it just makes sense. And then the other one is causing something in the back  of his mind, in the back of, you know, the situation to spark, to, you know, maybe click in the wrong way. That  was a real important point that you brought up.  And number two is the ability to switch gears to almost like, you know, arrive. And we had a guest, Robertson Rhonda Atar, who spoke about the pause. 

She talked in the, in, I think it was in March, in the, you know, the topic of time.  She spoke about take a pause, even if it’s 10 seconds,  pause between activities, allow yourself to transition from one to the next, because if not, then life feels like you’re running, running, running. And then you are never really intentional about anything you’re doing because you’re just catching up and it feels like that’s exactly what needs to happen, right?

When you’re saying take off your masculine working hat and just allow yourself to be in your feminine energy.  So powerful. Yes.  Yes. And you know what I would love to add to that Han? Mm-hmm. In the beginning, it might need a conscious decision once you start getting the feedback from your man. It doesn’t need a conscious decision anymore because it kind of becomes your natural flow.

Like you don’t have to make a conscious decision, I’m going to a wedding now, let me dress up and let me just say hi to everyone. How you doing? You look so great. No, we do that Naturally, we naturally transition into that role because kind of you, you know how it’ll be like, so you don’t come in with your construction hat into the wedding hall.

You nicely transition into that. Once you embrace being a feminine energy in your marriage, it becomes really easy and natural because naturally it is our natural space.  It’s not something we have to kind of learn. Maybe we need to relearn it. But I can tell you, I have a little 4-year-old daughter right now.

She does all of this naturally, you know, which being feminine is so natural for her. So I believe it’s natural for us. Maybe once we start practicing with it. We get back into that space. So  another, you know, this is not about receiving really, but first of all, back to the receiving, when I learned about the power of feminine energy and receiving, I made a commitment to receive wherever possible.

Okay. Because giving, we’ve already been taught for 20 years. Let’s not forget about the giving part. It’s just that we know about it. We learned about it, and we, we do it, we practice it already all throughout our lives. It’s about coming back into the, into the receiving, into the feminine trait of receiving.

 I make a point actually, to receive wherever I can. So if somebody offers me any help, I’m gonna say, thank you so much. And I’m gonna say, oh, it’s fine. I could do it myself. Or let’s say, for example, I’m sitting in the car, my husband takes a, a ricola candy for himself, and he asks, do I want one?

I’m gonna say, yeah, thank you so much. Even if I wasn’t in the mood. You wanna drink? Do you want a tea?  I have a nice lady a middle aged neighbor, like down the road from me, and she sometimes would offer me a tea. I go over to visit her sometimes on a shabbas, and she tells me, honey, you want a tea?

Now, I’m not crazy over tea, but if she offers, I’m gonna say, yeah, thank you so much. Because I want to practice the feminine, I would say skill even of receiving. So I would say if it’s something that makes me feel horrible or nauseous, I’m not gonna do it. It’s not about make myself feel not good.

But if it’s not gonna hurt me, then I’m gonna say yes. Thank you so much  to my husband, absolutely every single time. And also just people out there in the world. And also, I wanna show Hashem like.  I wanna show God that I’m open to receive all the good he has to offer. And that starts with me being open to receiving all the good that other people offer me.

So if somebody gives me a compliment, when I was a teen, even way older, I like your necklace, I’d say, oh yeah I got it on sale, or it’s not real. Now I just say thank you. You know, smile and say thank you. So, you know, back to my example with a broom when the sweeping the house, that’s why I’m so passionate about girls and young women  like understanding this when they get into marriage.

Because what naturally can happen is just from the goodness of her heart, she’s gonna tell her husband, don’t worry, I’m gonna do the sweeping, or Can I get this for you? No, don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m gonna take care of it as she’s doing the I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine thing. And and he, it just like dim, dim, dim.

 He might not protest. And then what happens many times I see with clients and women that I’m working with is five years down the road there is so much resentment built up and they’re like, I don’t know why I’m taking care of another child in the house. Not even putting two and two together that they were kind of not allowing themselves  to receive.

So I would say girls, women, the smallest thing.  If it comes from your husband, you want a cup of water, you’re not thirsty, please,  please. Thank you. Just a thank you. Or I love to like go even more like to kind of expand that energy and I would add things like, I feel so taken care of when you do this for me.

So it’s not just the receiving, let’s say in my marriage. I’m the one that drinks mostly the coffees and sometimes the teas. But my husband’s the one that  makes sure my hot water thing is always filled up with water. So he just, you know, so I can just say, just thank you for filling it up. Or I can add, like I say, it makes me feel so cared for when I always have the water urn, filled up with hot water whenever I need it.

So it’s more than just the saying thank you. It’s the receiving it and it’s such a gift because you feel special, you feel like a queen. He gets to be in his masculine energy and it’s, it’s just, just amazing. I love it. I love it. You know what, what you just did basically was give us an exercise and just yesterday I heard someone say that she took on herself to put a little rubber band around her wrist and  anytime she complained, she had to move it to the other hand  and.

The goal is to see how long you can keep it on one hand and not to move it right. No complaining.  She said the longest she was a ever able to go was five days.  Wow. That’s the power of, you know, how much, how much the awareness, just raising awareness of what we’re doing on a daily basis, on an hourly basis that we take for granted and don’t even notice, aren’t aware of at all. 

And this is one of those things that’s an exercise I feel like would be so powerful if we can catch ourselves receiving the little tiny things and give ourselves almost like credit for it. Right? I remember I was going down the stairs with the stroller and it’s like so hard to bump it down the stairs.

You know, the little baby, the poor thing. And this guy is coming up the stairs like, oh, do you need help? And my first reaction was like, no way I could do this. You know, I’m just bumping it down. I’m so used to this like it’s my eight, you know, baby number eight is like my life. And like I caught myself and said, yes, thank you.

And you know, two guys came, took my stroller, took it away from me, brought it down the stairs, like the baby was like a cloud, you know?  And I thought, wow, look at me. I was able to say yes, it’s such a. Skill, like you said, it is so hard to do if it’s not your first language. Right? And the problem is that a lot of us are used to  being in those types of relationships where it makes sense to be independent and it, you know, a parent child relationship, it makes sense.

Your parents want to teach you independence. They want you to, you know, land a hand. They want you to take over or say no thanks or whatever. But  when are we around, you know, a married relationship other than our marriage? We’re not. So this is really a new place where you get to practice new things that you’ve never done before, which means that you have an opportunity to learn new skills and, and sharpen up some of the things that can really make a difference. 

Wow. Yeah, I, I love that story that you said  with a, with a stroller. Yeah, totally. I was in the airport once and there was a woman there with her suitcase, two suitcases. She, she was trying to get them on the, on the escalators, and a guy walked past and says, ma’am, can I help you? And she’s like, no, I got this.

And now honestly, maybe we don’t know. Is it gonna be like she, she’s alone here. She’s a woman alone. Maybe it’s not the time and place to accept another man’s I don’t know. You know, I’m not here to say because for safety reasons or whatever, you know, she might be traveling alone and that’s not the right time and place, but I just saw his like, face falling, you know?

And  we don’t realize sometimes because sometimes it’s like so little at a time what happens. So sometimes  women find themselves years later in the marriage and they tell me, I  fine. So, but my husband doesn’t give anything. How do I receive. Yeah. Yeah. So, and  that, and that, that’s a buildup.

Yeah. And you were just saying that’s a buildup. One of the biggest problems is that you see couples 20 years later, suddenly, oh, suddenly everything is, you know, down the drain. What happened? It’s the resentment. It’s the resentment that builds up. It’s the little nose along the way. I wanna suggest two ideas, like for women.

Yeah. Go. So if that happens, if you find yourself in a place where you know it is 20 years down the road and you kind of feel like, how can I receive? He’s not giving anything. So I wanna say two things. First of all is to try to comment and start receiving the things that he’s already doing, not especially to you.

Okay. So let’s say for me, I have ham a bunch of boys, and my husband takes them to shul, to synagogue on shabbos. So let’s say, if that’s your example or something similar, you might say, you know, I really appreciate, thank you so much for taking the boys on Shabi with you to show ’cause it makes my afternoon so much easier.

So he’s doing it anyways. He’s not doing it because of you. He’s doing it ’cause everyone else is doing it. Okay. And let’s just say he is doing it for you, for the family, like making money. Like I really appreciate how hard you work to support our family to come in and to kind of receive, which you can call it appreciate, but we wanna focus on the receiving aspect of it.

Something that he is already doing. So look around, what is he already doing?  Can I give you an example of this? There was once a woman who worked with me, I said, my husband does nothing, nothing. There is nothing I can receive. And I said, think about the things he is doing like nothing said, you know what, let’s do it the other way.

What would happen if he wasn’t? Around, like, let’s get rid of him for a moment. He’s not home for a whole week. What needs, what, what, what happens now? Like, what is lacking? What’s missing? Oh, I guess, you know, on, you know, on shabbos he makes kiddish, you know, he makes the blessing on the wine. Okay. That’s a big deal.

You know, like, can you imagine having to do it yourself? It’s just so awkward, right? We do it sometimes when you have to, whatever. But like, can you appreciate, can you thank him for being the man?  You know, that’s, that’s the man’s job. And he’s doing the man’s job. He’s really there for you. Like, he’s showing up.

He could not, but he is, and she’s like,  this, we’re going really low here. And I was like, no, we’re not. No, we’re not. Because every little thing counts and there is no hierarchy of where you receive and it’s high, and where you’re receiving it’s low. No. Any little thing counts because every little thing he does actually matters.

Just like with you, do you think there’s a hierarchy, like if you do dishes, is that more important than doing laundry? Is it more important than showing up, you know, on time from an event and making sure that you go to sleep at the same time? Like what, where, who’s putting the value on what?  I love that, Bat-Chen I love that

putting him away? Take him out of the house for a month. I love that. All of a sudden realize what he is doing to start appreciating that and be grateful. Wow, I love that. Powerful. Yeah. I mean, listen, just appreciation in general. I heard what’s her name?  Jasmine Starr. Jasmine Starr had a really great episode a long, long time ago when I was still listening to her because now I’m so busy I, I don’t listen so much.

But she’s great. I heard her say that, if you want to know what to be grateful for,  pretend that tomorrow morning you only have the things you were grateful for. You wake up in the morning and there’s no toothpaste, there’s no toothbrush, there’s no toilet, there’s no bed, there’s no sheets, there’s no pillow.

Right? Because you, you took all of it for granted.  Wow.  Wow, wow, wow. And that day, that day, I’m sitting, sitting there going, okay, did I have everything? Did I say everything? You know, I started thinking of the littlest things because it would matter so much if there was no toilet right there. Would, it would matter matter much if there’s no like towel, like all these little things running water, like it just starts dropping, dropping all these little ideas in your mind like, wow.  Hello baby.  Say hello to everyone.  We really have the same ages and stages. That’s so cute.

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So go book yours today. Now back to the show. 

 Okay. The second thing that I was gonna say the second way and how to, like, what do you do if your husband doesn’t do anything?

I would say to try to start experimenting, asking for small little things that you’re not gonna get hurt if they don’t happen. So can you, like, you’re trying to open the pickle jar or the, or the apple juice bottle or whatever, and you’re like,  can you, can you help me with opening the pickle jar? You know, you’re trying to fold the tablecloth on the table.

It’s just so much easier with two hands. So you’re like,  can I ask you if you, you wanna take the other end of and help me with it? So you’re not gonna be like to come in before knowing? Either way I’ll be okay. So I’m okay, but still to try to find small little opportunities to.  Ask help from your man to just come in vulnerable.

I, I know I can do it myself and I can, and doing yourself is amazing. We need to be able to have the strength to do it ourselves. Sometimes women are in a situation which we know very well, you know, this past year where there man is not around. Okay? So we need all of those skills and we’re grateful for it.

But if we’re, we’re focusing on upping our connection, then we wanna embrace this feminine trait of receiving, letting our man be our man. That is so, so, so huge. And there was one thing, Bat-Chen you mentioned about the complaining.  I would love to say something about that.  Can I? Yeah, sure. Okay. So the complaining thing, so this is what I’ve noticed  and, you know, we heard this a lot, but I just had this amazing insight about this idea.

So,  you know, a man.  He feels like a man as successful. When his wife is happy. Now she can be happy because she just went out with friends. But if she’s happy, he feels all successful as a man. It has zero to do with him. He’s not the one that did anything to make her happy. She’s happy, he’s successful. Now, this goes both ways around.

When she complains, she can be complaining about the weather, but if she complains, she’s unhappy, he gets like a shock to a system. My wife is unhappy. I’m just not successful as a man. Now, when we complain about the weather to our friends, our female friends, or we complain about our mother-in-law.

We complain about anyone, anything. They’re like, whoa, I hear so hard for you. Hmm. Wow. Now a man alarm bells goes off in his head when we complain because my wife’s not happy. So what am I doing wrong?  Okay, now. So I encourage women, I love that thing with a rubber band that you said. I encourage women if you maybe try to let go of the complaining at all, but if you really feel like you wanna vent or complain, call up your female friend.

You know? And then when your husband comes home, maybe you don’t need to at least complain right away. Maybe you’re just gonna be feel better about it. ’cause you’ve spoken already to a female friend. You could just share without the complaining because it’s a personal attack to their masculinity.

I know it sounds interesting for us as women of course like, you know, big deal he didn’t do anything but, and then  it really goes both ways. So if we’re happy because of the weather, because if we’re happy because we just did a dancing class. If we’re happy. Because anything,  when you share that, your husband feels so amazing, he’s like on top of the world, I’m a successful man ’cause my wife is happy.

So it like, there’s two sides to it and we  can kind of cash it in, you know? I would say, yeah. Yeah. I,  I love this. This is like my day one of the marriage breakthrough retreat. You probably remember ’cause you were there. It’s so important and I call it blame your husband for your happiness, right?

I say, you are happy. Blame him. You are like, but it’s not his fault. I did it all myself. Like,  come on. You know, if he wasn’t helping out or taking care of, or doing the thing or doing the thing he does, then you would have a lot more on your plate and you wouldn’t have the capacity to be doing the thing you’re doing.

So stop thinking, you know, there’s this thing of like, oh, it’s all me. It’s all me. Stop it.  You know, because when you think it’s all me, you know, like I heard one lady, she’s like, I could totally live off the grid. I could totally, because I get my clothes from the store and I get my food from the supermarket and I get this, that, the other, like everything everybody else is doing the way that life is, you know, life is life.

But I, I’m fine, I’m fine. I could totally do, you know, live off the grid. Like yeah, you live off the grid because you have all these things you’re delegating, but if you actually lived off the grid, you’d be making your own clothes, you’d be growing your own food, you’d be processing your own, you know, whatever.

Like, everything would be from scratch. You don’t appreciate that. You don’t take that into account when you think, oh, I can do it. I can do, I don’t want that. Right? So let’s bring a little bit of humility into the conversation. And even if he’s not directly affecting the fact that you can succeed or directly helping in any way,  you can reverse engineer  and thank him.

Thank him for what he is doing.  You know, the fact that I don’t have, the fact that I don’t have to take care of the test for the car is a huge thing. Do you know what headache that is? Right. And. I’m so grateful. Every time every year that thing comes around, like, I am so grateful that you’re taking care of this.

You’re amazing. I don’t know how you do it. It’s like, okay, you know, like, I love this. I love this. Which brings me into another concept of femininity, which is the, the trade of the space of being versus doing. You know, and again, being is a feminine trait. And again, when we come into the ka ballistic ideas, deep Torah, we understand that masculine all week, you know, we have six days.

That’s the masculine, that’s the time and place to doing. And then we have shabbos where we go into a feminine state of being a shabbos is called the Shabbos Queen. It’s feminine, being in the, the feminist state of being, which is also such an, such a game changer in marriage when we run around with a, like a chicken without a head.

It is so unattractive. So I always go back to the, is it feminine? Feminine is key. Feminine is magnetic to the masculine. We know this. So we knew how to do that when we were dating, right? Feminine is  attractive. So being is another feminine trait. So I used to think, you know, early on in my marriage, my husband comes home and I should be going for one thing to the next.

’cause he’s gonna see what an amazing wife I am and how amazing I could do everything. But today, when my husband comes to the door, I wanna be sipping a coffee on the couch or just with my feet up. Let him think I didn’t do anything. It’s okay. It’s his wife is a queen. Like this, running from one thing to the other.

 It’s not attractive. So all of a sudden, you know, he might just try to get himself away because remember, it’s masculine feminine energy. They’re either the magnet is, you know, one side and they’re pulling at each other, or they just can totally flip around. And then there’s,  it’s so unattractive that just, it repels.

So being is so feminine. Yes, we still wanna take care of things in the house,  but, you know,  sometimes women are like, we get married. I’m like, so can you get this for me from the grocery? Can you pick up the clothes from the cleaner? Everything is about like the, the technicals. Of the doing, doing, doing, doing.

And the man comes in and running, running, running. And you and I know we both have eight kids. We both have a business that I just, I make a point of this. It’s, I’m not running around. Even if I am gonna be sweeping the floor, doing the dishes and my husband’s around, I’m gonna be humming a tune. I’m gonna be singing, come in feminine.

It’s such a game changer. Instead of like, ha ha ha, there’s huffing and puffing.  It’s just like, do we want that connection in the marriage? There are actually ways to get it. And these ways are fun ways. They’re fun ways. It’s not hard work. Once you understand that it’s just about being feminine. I love it.

I love it. You know, the first thing that comes to my mind is the women who are listening and they’re thinking, if I was just sitting sipping tea, my husband’s reaction would be like, critical. Why are you not doing anything? Why is the laundry not done? Why didn’t you do dishes all day? Why is the house such a mess?

Why blah, blah, blah, blah. Right?  And all these why questions of what’s, what’s happening. They’re trying to figure it out.  What would you say to that?  It’s a great question because I didn’t mention that. I do do the dishes and I also do the laundry, and I also like when the house is clean, so I do do those things.

So maybe good time management skills are helpful and I’m very grateful to be blessed with them. So, and, and you know, and that kind is all about balance. So we do need to balance everything. And I do like a nice clean house and I do love when there’s warm food cooking for the family. And I, I, I do those things as well.

It’s just that when I’m around my husband, I’m not saying, don’t do anything. Let your house know when you are around your husband, when it’s about you and him in the same space. Try to not be in the manager running around like a chicken without a head mode because it’s, it really is repelling for a man. That’s not what he finds attractive about a woman.

So it’s, if we make a conscious decision of like, I’m gonna take care, I’m gonna do.  I, I want the house nice and clean and everything, but still, when my husband comes home, that’s when I’m gonna go. I’m gonna take off my construction hat and I’m gonna be in the being mode. I’m gonna sit down with him for supper dinner a few minutes, or just on the couch next to him.

Just even just sitting with the kids, you know, it’s in a space of femininity, of being, and I think it’s so powerful and you know, it’s a great point that you brought up because actually my husband and me, we both spend the entire day at home together. We both work from home. So how do I do that? Yeah. So yeah, it’s a great question.

And now I’m thinking, I never even thought into it, but it does happen and it’s so in my being at this point that when we’re  in the.  The, the kitchen, you know, area of the house that either, I just ask for help or like I do my stuff and like, you know, I, I, I wanna cook for Shabbas tomorrow, so can I have a volunteer to peel the potatoes for me, like  on Wednesday night so I have them ready.

And sometimes it’s gonna be a kid, I’m not, I’m not asking outright because I don’t wanna, like, it’s not an expectation. He doesn’t have to do it for me, but sometimes my husband just, I’ll do that for you. Or like, it’s, we’re in this together and it’s just bringing in the femininity as much as possible.

Right? Or I’m gonna take care of the technical things in the house when he’s busy at work, but running around like this masculine madman, you know, or mad woman. I’m, I’m gonna try to really,  not do that. Really, it’s, it’s not attractive. So, you know, what’s coming up for me, what’s coming up for me is that we have to remember, I, I love the advice and I think it’s really important to be aware of the being and the receiving and how important it is. 

And it’s also really important to remember that each couple is unique and each couple has their own needs and their own ways that they connect and that they function. So

let’s take the five love languages, for example, right?  One  couple could have the guy being very, you know, service, acts of service. Just, I need to be in acting mode. I need to, to do for you, I need to make sure that, you know, I help out as much as possible because that is the way I speak love. So. You know, my husband is one of those people.

Acts of service is his thing. He’ll do the dishes, he’ll do the laundry, he will sweep, he’ll help, but he’ll have a very hard time saying the words, I love you, because words are not his you know, main love language.  For me, it’s the opposite. I’m words, I’m quality time. I could spend all day just like, you know,  being in like Lala land, just spending time together and talking about how much I love you.

But like, you know, bottom line, I,  it’s hard for me to like do all the things ’cause it’s not my love language. It’s not even my anyway language. I,  you know, my natural isn’t a doer. So when you see all the things I’m doing, thank God, thank God, thank God I’m able to do so much in the business in my life, it’s, it’s, you know, re being able to find ways to optimize and align. 

What I really want with the actions and then I’m able to like motivate myself and get them done. Also, you said about time management. It was really hard for me at first, you know, growing up and, and being an adult. And thanks to the fact that my husband is so good at time management and he has time in his head, like he actually knows what time it is at all times.

He can calculate, you know, things in the supermarket. He’ll just like do a whole shopping and tell you how much is gonna come out. It’s usually to like one off like that. Very, wow.  It’s very cool. It’s like he has, he has a very computer brain, which is really awesome and I at first thought it was a real joke that God was playing on me because why do you put such an opposite? 

Together. But with time I realized it was a blessing and I was able to gain a lot of skills just by letting them rub off. Right. By receiving them instead of rej rejecting them and pushing them away and like, stop telling me what time it is, or stop telling me to be aware of time. Like, oh, he would say, what time is it?

And I, instead of thinking he’s, you know, he’s messing with me, he’s trying to be mean or whatever, I stopped and I was like, you know what? I think he’s trying to help me.  I love that.  I love that. Wow. It was a big turn turning point in our marriage. But when I realized, you know, it is actually to my advantage to learn these skills and be able to, so I’m saying,  I. 

Appreciate that we’re bringing a lot of examples of what works for us or what works in general. But I also want to remind the listeners that their marriage is their unique marriage and what works for you. If it works, keep it and if something you hear here is going to work or not work, it’s doesn’t mean you’re broken.

It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means that your marriage is unique, which is why I am so passionate about working one-on-one with women because I found that I don’t just wanna teach you the things I wanna help you find and like fine tune and really click it into place  in the way that works for you the best. 

Right. I, I think that that’s the real, real point that I wanna get. Yes, yes. That was a real, real important point  to bring into the picture,  you know, very, very important. I’m so grateful that you brought that up. The only additional thing I would add is that having worked with so many women, sometimes they would come in and they would say also in one-on-one sessions, right?

And they would come in, my husband’s not a type, or he, or, that’s not his love language. Or he doesn’t, he’s not allowed, he doesn’t know how to share, or, and so many of this was able to really turn around for them just with a few new ideas and tools. So that’s why now I’m so much more open to idea that  we actually  can change the dynamics in our marriage.

And this is another thing I like to help women understand is when they come in and they say, why am I always the one that wants to work on my marriage? Why is my husband just, he’s not interested in doing anything? And it’s across the board, women are just. Wanna work on them, on their marriage. So I like to just, you know, explain this in a way that helps women feel better about this, because it’s true.

You’ll find that mostly men, they don’t think about working on their marriage, even if they do feel that they’re not happy, they don’t know how, like to go about it. I explained it once to my husband. He was laughing at the analogy. I said, imagine you explained to me that you know, you know how to, you wanna fix the car, you just crawl underneath the car and I’ll give you the exact instructions and how you kind of like the mechanics of it and how you fix it.

And I’m like, please, just, just like you do this for me. Like, so a man, that’s how, even if they’re not happy, you could tell them, just do like this. Tell your wife that. And they’re like, they’re, they’re,  it, it’s, it’s not their strong point.  And that’s not the only thing I wanna say. I want everyone listening to just.

Look out the window if you can. I’m sitting in the front of a nice, beautiful window. But if it’s not right now, just at a different time, even just look around your house and think about who built the house you’re living in. Might have not been your husband, but I can take a guess and say it was probably men.

I know we did construction in our house. Last winter. We hired a framer insulation guy. The wiring guy and the, and what else? The sheet drug guy and the air condition guy. All of them were males. Men, some discrimination going on here. I don’t know, like we were not into hiring anywhere for all of the, any of these jobs.

So when you look outside and you see like. The roads.  We had snow now in, in here in New York now, and okay, like it kind of dried up melted on the roads by itself. But  you’re gonna be outside of the freezing weathers. You’re gonna see the men are gonna be the ones shoveling the snow. The men are the ones that paved the roads for us.

The men are actually the ones that build a car for us. And all of those things were men did it. Why? I’ll tell you, they’re just more capable when it comes to these things. So even though you could teach a woman how to do it, and we’re not discriminating, if you wanna go and you wanna climb into the sewer there, dig up, do the construction, it’s fine.

I’m, you know, hopefully someone’s gonna hire you. We’re not discriminating, it’s a free country, but most of it men are more capable. So we, women for generations are happy to live in houses that men built for us. We’re happy to drive on roads that men paid for us. We’re happy to use toilets that men did the the sewer systems for us and we’re happy.

All of that, you know, because men are more capable. So I tell women, you know, women are more capable when it comes to relationships. It’s just how it is. We are more capable when it comes to relationships. So yes, it is true that we will find that men kind of, either they don’t care about working on their relationship or even if they know that it’s not working, they don’t know the first thing, how to start doing it.

Like teaching me how to crawl under the car and starting to fix the mechanics of it. So we, women are more powerful when it comes to relationships. And it’s an empowerment. It’s not a like, oh, he doesn’t care about the marriage. He does, he just doesn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t know the first thing and how to fix it.

And like we have the power when it comes to relationships. So yes, it is gonna be the women that are gonna, that’s why you are here, that’s why you’re listening to all of this. You know what’s interesting? I love that you said this, and that’s why this leads me to think, and that’s why I only work with the wife.

I have absolutely no interest in dragging your husband to a meeting that he doesn’t know what to do with, and he feels attacked and he doesn’t understand what they want from him. And do I really have to be there? And like it feels like he is being taken to the principal’s office. He doesn’t know what to expect.

He doesn’t know what you want from him, and you end up being resentful for the fact that he is not taking it seriously or doing the thing right? He doesn’t know how to do the thing, right? This is not his thing. When you can take responsibility for your part, you are doing it for both of you. And when, you know, when I asked my own  coach mentor, at the time I was in, I was part of a, of a marriage class, and I said, it’s just not fair that I’m always the one going to the classes.

I’m the one who cares. I felt that way very much. And she said, okay, you don’t have to.  I am like, yeah,  and, but like I’m waiting for the, the shoe to drop. Like you don’t have to.  If you want it, then you come. And if you don’t, then you don’t.  I go, of course, I want my marriage. Okay, so here you are, right?

Because this matters to you. Then you’re gonna come and do it. It matters to them, but they don’t know  the first thing about it. If you do it, they will come along. They will definitely dance. The dance, right? And I’ve seen it so many times with parenting classes that I’ve taken with marriage classes, with any new skill.

Anything I’m doing, I bring it. At first he ridicules it, he laughs about it, he says, it’s totally not gonna work. There’s no way. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right? Like the first thing I remember when we were newly married was the how to talk to kids. So they listen and listen, so they speak. It was, you know, a parenting class I went to, I had to get the book, I had to do the workbook.

I had to do the whole thing. And he was just sitting on the side laughing the whole time, it’s not gonna work, it’s not gonna work, it’s not gonna work. It’s not gonna work until it worked. And then he turned around and said, okay, what do I need to do now? You know,  love. And he caught on. He caught on because he needed the proof.

He needed to really, you know? Yes. And, and that’s okay. I didn’t give up because it mattered to me.   And that’s the point, is you will continue going because you care. Yes. ’cause you wanna be happy because you want this to work. Yes. Right? Yes. And another thing, but that if it is, if you do find that man that goes and he wants to do some, you know, marriage classes and how to change his marriage, it is so much harder what he puts in the effort to turn around the dynamics.

But when the wife is the one to the take the steps, the dynamics can turn around so much faster and easier. It’s, you know, it’s brought down in our sources, I dunno exactly the source, but we women have more power when it comes to relationship. If the man is the head, we are the neck. We can turn it any way we want.

And I’ve seen it so many times, I would not be saying it with such, you know, everyone, you, everyone’s situation is unique. If you are in a very, you know, not safe situation, please go and get help. But for the most part, we women, we do have the power. I’ve seen it time and time again and. I think sometimes, yes.

So many times it’s just about learning a little new idea, a new way. For me, I always come back to the, is it feminine? Just ask yourself that question. I find time and time again, feminine is so attractive, even just looking around the house and I learned how to do this with my kids. Also, by the time, let’s say I’m looking around the house and like, I don’t know, I have shabbos cooking to do.

There’s so much going on. The kids, the house is a mess. And like I used to still sometimes happens. I would complain, oh, this, how’s a mess? Or like, I, I, what’s going on here? And now I just ask myself, honey, what do you really want?  And that is, I just want some help. So I would say I could really use some help around the house.

And with kids it’s amazing. Can I have a volunteer to do something?  Is a sentence that I’d like to use often.  And when it comes in a marriage also, we find ourselves complaining and every time when we complain, we can just ask, what do I really want?  I would just love to get some help and then we ask it.

It’s such a game changer. Ah, I love it.  I love it. This is so great. This is such a good conversation. I wanna hear from you guys in the comments and the feedback. Send us emails. This is so helpful, just me listening to this. Such a good reminder.  Receiving is the woman’s superpower.  Use it. Lean into it.

Allow it into your life. You know, sometimes I think that,  I’ll tell you a story to really explain it, illustrate it.  When I was in high school,  I had to pass the regents of, I don’t remember what, maybe it was English or history, something that I needed help with.  And because English wasn’t my first language, one of the girls volunteered to tutor me and she would stay after school every single day for months to help me pass that test.

And I got like an 89. I was so happy, like really for a girl who did not grow up in the country and didn’t know the language enough to like succeed, I was so proud of myself. And she was very happy too. She was really proud of the work that she’d put in.  And I felt so much gratitude towards her that I wanted to buy her a gift.

I wanted to thank her. I wanted to do something for her. And she kept rejecting it, saying, no, no, this is my, you know, this is my good deed. This is what I did. I did it for you. I did it for God’s sake. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. And as much as she’s, you know, she’s right, she wanted. Only to do it for God’s sake.

And you know, she believes that if she receives a payment for it now, then maybe she’ll lose out in the next world. I don’t know. She has her calculations. But  for the person wanting to reciprocate  it was the most painful rejection. Yes, it was the most painful rejection. I saw you saying Ouch. It is exactly that.

Yes it is. So, it is crazy to think that, you know, and I, I see this as God baggage too. Because if you’re sitting there calculating, if I receive now, then I’ll give up something in the next world. So wrong. It is so wrong.  You know, we are not, you know, it’s not, it’s not that type of,  you know, that’s not how it works. 

And. The lack of awareness of what that creates in a relationship is so painful that years later, listen, we’re already like past our 28 years since high school, and this was not 12th grade, it was probably 10th grade. Like how many years am I still thinking about that feeling? Yes. Of rejection, right? Wow.

It’s like when, when a husband says, you know, hear something or even a nice word or wants to help or wants to do, or if it does and is not appreciated or not seen,  it is so painful. Yeah, I would love to add something to that Han. I think the story is so powerful and that was between two females now up that when it comes to masculine and feminine energy, which is a whole different dynamic, I would explain it even to, you have a nursing baby.

I do as well. Imagine the baby now wanting to nurse.  That’s how I would explain it. It’s like, mommy is inor. She wants to give, and the baby just doesn’t want to  take that. I think that more even explains the painful feeling. And  again, we don’t always, we don’t see like the, the eyes like just dim over a little, like for a masculine.

It’s really, really painful. And that story I think was very, very wow. And, and then I want to add another layer to that. I wanna say that, you know, in the song there’s a song, it’s, it’s a, it’s a verse. The 

I will pour over you like buckets. I will empty onto you, blessings to no end, just keep pouring and pouring and pouring. And God says this to the, you know, to the Jews.  I love that song. It makes me happy every time because just the visuals of the song, like watching a bucket, being poured onto you with all the good you want, every piece of blessing you want.

Like money and happiness and love and peace and calm and just bring it on. Bring it on, right? And and it’s just like coming, coming, coming.  And I’m thinking, so what’s the problem? Why are we not feeling it right? I love how you’re just like opening up and letting it in.  It’s us. We’re the ones rejecting it.

We’re the ones unable to receive it. What is wrong with us?  Right. And when we reject the blessing, we reject God. Just like when we reject the compliment, we reject our husbands. It is so painful for God to want to give you and for you to get in the way and say, no, it’s impossible. No, I can’t. No it, it’s too much for you.

No, I know this is, you know, too much of a bother. If I get it in this world, then I’m not gonna get in that world. Yeah. What is this? Stop it with the calculations. God wants to give it to you. Take it. Take it. Take it. Open up.  I love that. I love that. I love that. And one more thing Bat-Chen also that just comes to mind a little example.

Sometimes even when we’re talking about more about intimacy and your husband tells you like, you know, you’re beautiful. Don’t say, but I have 50 more pounds to lose. Say thank you. I love when you say that. Can you say that again? Something vulnerable, open, receive. Even if you have the 15 pounds to lose, I know.

I still have it from my baby.  Last baby.  You know what? In our family, we’re not allowed to talk about weight. We just don’t, you know, it’s this like rule that, because we’re a family of a lot of girls, thank God I have six girls. I know. You’re, I think you’re the opposite, right? You have six boys. Yeah, six boys. 

Yeah. So so for us it’s six boys, six girls, two boys. It just became  part of the conversation that it’s not one of the things we talk about. It’s not even a thing. We, you know, you don’t get on a scale, you don’t talk about weight. It’s not, it’s not a thing because what’s more important is the way that you feel, the way that you act, the way that you accept yourself in all the parts of you.

So it’s just, you know, that just came up for me. I don’t know. Why’s that a tangent?  Wow.  So  let’s leave our listeners with something really powerful about receiving Before we end. What do you have to add to all of what we said to add about receiving?  Can the add-on be a tiny little twist over the receiving?

Yes. Okay. So it’s not really about receiving, I would say just to maybe let go of control  because, you know, also I’m just, I’m so passionate about marriage and this one last piece of advice  and, you know, when a woman acts like a man’s mother, like his mother, a man is not attracted to his mother, we’re really not  good, good, good thing he isn’t right.

We want him to be attracted to us, so let’s not act like his mother. So that’s one thing I would say. You know what we, we, you know, mentioned receiving as being feminine, being in a state of being as feminine.  And also to let go of control, just to let go of, to like taking care of things for him. You know, if you would have  put it into ways you would’ve known the directions, or if you wouldn’t look into your phone and you would’ve, all these helpful advice things.

They’re so, they’re so not helpful. You know, I find many times women come in as in they think they have to kind of take care of their husband’s spirituality. That’s a big one when it comes to maybe you know, in my community, I don’t know how it is in your community. I’ve been to taught so much about the amazing things of learning all these other things and like we’re into taking care of his spirituality and. 

I could tell you, I, I would not appreciate if my husband would say, you know, Chany, maybe you would like say the whole entire tehillim every single day. I know. It’s a real amazing thing. I’ll even make you a si once you’re, once you’re done, you know, when you finish it. Well, we’ll make something big. I, I want, like, I’ll take care of my side and let him just take care of his own.

Listen, I think this is, this is universal. Can you imagine you know, I know that even women who aren’t Jewish or you know, religious in any way, you, you worry, you know, you think about it, you’re like, you know, how is it that I’m so into journaling, into meditation, into whatever? And he’s so not right.

It’s like it’s, it definitely is something.  You know, I can relate to that because I started  like, an inner journey of like, I would say healing and growth was like close to 12 years ago. And my husband was totally not interested in what I was learning or listening to at the time. You know, when he started getting, getting interested, when he started noticing I’m different.

So I would tell anyone on that journey, let go, let go, just leave him, let him do your own thing. But when I started showing up differently, all of a sudden I was happier, more fun to be around, more like let go of the drama and he wasn’t coming home to someone who’s complaining and dramatizing, you know what I like to call the in club, just like what’s awful all around.

I used to be part of the awful club in the past. So,  so all of a sudden when, when there was a change in me, he started noticing, I wanna know like, Hey, what are you doing? Exactly. And so, you know, back to what you were saying, if we try to control the way he does his spirituality or the way that he does the things that we want him to do.

You know, like  I remember, you know, very early on, like looking to see like, is he doing it right? You know, trying to like adjust and like talk over him. Like this is how you’re supposed to do it. Ah, can you imagine someone doing that to you?  So frustrating. So I definitely love that you say this, you know, receive in the most real way.

Just let it be  the way it is., I love that, I love that. I also try to, you know, to really dig it in deep and how it would feel for us, because usually it’s the women who try to take care of the husband’s spiritualty. I don’t know, interestingly, so I don’t know why it is like that, but  trying to turn it around, you know, that.

Imagine you got married and it’s a few days later, it’s on Friday, and your new husband comes and he is like, okay, so you’re baking challahs today.  And you’re like, baking challahs. Well, like, I just got married and he’s like, yeah, but you know, it’s one of three primary mitzvahs, so you should be baking.

challahs you know how much greatness and all this, you know, abundance it’s gonna bring into our life. You’re like, no, nobody wants to hear that. I’m like,  no, no. My mother doesn’t even make hala. Like, what’s, what’s, you know? No. So yeah, it doesn’t feel so pleasant. Yeah. And you know what? If you bake chala, it’s fine, but you chose it or you, you know, you worked it out. 

Yeah. I actually asked my husband if we need chala and then I bake it. If he says yes or no, like based on his answer, because he’s in charge of making sure that we have everything we need.  Oh, this is an amazing conversation. I wish we could keep going and I would love to know from you, how can people find you?

Where are you now? What are you up to?  Okay. Yeah. So first of all, my website chanyfelberbaum.com. That’s C-H-A-N-Y-F-E-L-B-E-R-B-A-U-M. If you could do forward slash free classes, there are more classes on femininity some on healing great classes there. Fel chanyfelberbaum.com/freegift gift is actually download, printable download.

You can print it out with three secrets and how to activate your feminine energy and supercharge your marriage. Some of them we touched on and this talk, some more ideas there. Okay.

Great.  Yeah. I love it. Wow, this was such fun. Ah,  thank you so much for being here with us.  This was amazing. I think this was one of my favorite conversations.  I really got vibrating on the inside towards the end. I feel like we touched on really important things and the flow of it was amazing.

Thank you so much for being with us. Thank you to the listeners. Make sure you come back next week for another amazing episode, and don’t forget to be connected for real.  Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.