182. Boundaries Begin With You

Transcript:

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started. 

 And we are  live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me is Liba.  I am so excited about this podcast specifically because we’re talking about boundaries and how you within your boundaries can really thrive. So first Liva, introduce yourself and then we’ll get right into boundaries and all the good stuff. All the good stuff. Thanks. And thank you for having me. And hello everybody.

I’m Leba Lurie. I am a psychologist. I specialize in the parent-child relationship which means I help parents feel calmer, more confident, and actually enjoy their kids like they always imagined they would. I’m also a mother of four. I live in Israel with my husband and four kids in the hills of Judea. 

And uh, happy to be here. Thank you.  That’s awesome. Okay, so let’s get into boundaries, shall we? Yes. It’s a big topic. It’s a big topic.  Boundaries is a big thing. It’s a big topic. It’s a big topic.  And I  recognize that there’s a lot of misconception around what boundaries are.  As a psychologist.

I see there’s a lot of misconception and misnomers, which means people use the word incorrectly.  Hmm. So a common mistake that people make is they say, for example, you’ll say to your partner, well, I’ve told you what my boundaries are.  These are my boundaries.  And the expectation is, do what I tell you to do.

’cause I told you what my boundaries are. You have to do what I told you to do.  So the the misunderstanding, the misconception is that if I have a boundary, other people have to keep it.  That’s not what a boundary is really. That’s a request.  You’re saying, I don’t want you to put your socks or your wet towel on my bed. 

I don’t want you to do that. I don’t want that. And your husband puts his wet towel on your bed. So he hasn’t honored  the request.  He hasn’t. It’s a request. A boundary would be that, I mean, this is a bit of a stretch, but. A boundary would be that you block off your bed,  or a boundary would be you put, maybe I put a basket in front of my bed,  or a boundary would be,  he goes into the shower and I say, just a reminder, don’t put your thing on my, don’t put your towel in my bed. 

 The idea is, is that I’m the one who keeps my boundaries. I am the one who maintains my boundaries. No one does that for me.  No one is obligated to keep my boundaries. I am responsible for my own capital. S self, my wants, my needs, my desires, my wishes, my thoughts, my beliefs, my opinions. Those are mine.

That’s me. That makes me, me. And I have boundaries when I know who I am  and I know what I want and I trust that knowing. Then I have a boundary. The boundary isn’t something that you have, and then you can feel safe. You feel safe,  and that’s what creates the boundary. You know who you are, you know what you want, you know what’s important to you.

You trust it. You believe it, and you don’t need anybody to tell you that. That’s okay.  You don’t need anyone to reassure you to confirm your truth, to believe you. You don’t have to believe me. This is me.  This is me. I know who I am. I know what I want. I don’t want wet towels on my bed. And you might have a partner that says, why?

What’s the big deal?  But you put your towel on my bed.  That might be true. And I have to take that into consideration. I’m gonna think on that. You might be right, but in this moment, I don’t want your wet towel on my bed.  And I wanna be really clear about what I want. And there’s one thing about letting other people know what you want, but really you have an emotional boundary.

When you know what you want, and that is where a lot of people get kind of stuck, is because they don’t  know what they want. They don’t know what they need and they don’t feel comfortable getting to know it because in so doing, there’s a sense of I’m doing something wrong.  ’cause a lot of times I don’t have an emotional boundary because I’m busy making sure other people are okay, that other people are getting their wants and needs met.

And so I’m really abandoning and neglecting my capital as self. And that’s where we feel or experience ourselves in relationships as though we’re being taken advantage of. We’re run down, we’re resentful, we’re not fulfilled. There’s no joy, there’s no pleasure because I don’t exist here.  And unfortunately, many times we are waiting for someone else to confirm that I’m here and that I matter.

 That’s the lack of emotional boundaries. You are here because you are here.  I’ll put you in this world. You’re here, you exist. You matter. You have value, you have purpose in and of yourself and that’s just a fact. That’s just the truth.  Whether you see it, whether you have a relationship with yourself, where it is safe to exist and to engage in that relationship with yourself. 

That’s where we call in boundaries.  How’s that all sound?  I gave you my spiel, your turn. I’m just so excited because we’re talking the same language. The fact that, you know, when somebody says to me, I feel run down, I am invisible everybody’s taking advantage of me. They’re not holding to my boundaries or they’re not, you know respecting me in certain ways.

It’s not their fault.  It’s not their fault. And as much as it is so easy to use them as, you know, blame  and it’s their fault and just sort of pin it on them. Mm-hmm. Bottom line is  if you don’t create that for yourself, that’s where it gets really tricky.  And here’s where we have to say like, yeah, how do we do that?

How do we create ourself and that boundary  so that we are feeling really good in the space we take. Yeah. Yeah. A really incredible moment in my work with my clients is when I reflect back to them, what they essentially say to me, and I, you know, something to the effect of this is happening for you.

This experience is happening.  It’s important,  it’s real. It matters.  You exist.  And I’ll say, do you know, you know how I know? Like, do you know how you know that you exist? Do you know how, you know that? Say let’s say you’ll say, I’m really angry with my partner. I’m just so angry. I’m so really hurt. You know, I’m so, I’m so angry.

I’m so hurt by this. You know, he left the dishes in the sink. Again, I, I feel so betrayed by him. You know? And then very often people will say like, oh, but I feel bad about that.  Like, I feel bad that I, you know, I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m being and so they’re sort of in conflict with  their own knowing of what’s happening for them.

Because you shouldn’t feel this way, you shouldn’t have this experience, but you are betrayed. You do feel it portrayed. That’s real for you. It’s happening. You know how, you know, and then you have people say to me.  ’cause I’m feeling it. That’s right. And they’re like, oh yeah, I actually have these experiences.

And they’re, and they’re actually happening  and they’re real and they matter. So the first step is to  bring our attention inward to our own internal experience paying attention to our. Inner world. The this challenge here is very often people are highly attuned to the inner world of other people.

Like a client I just had before we met here,  she had said, and I almost feel tempted to pull out my notes where she said something to the effect of,  I’m preoccupied, shouldn’t use the word preoccupied, but she said, I’m preoccupied with what they’re thinking.  It’s scary for me to express what I want and what I need because I’m so busy thinking about what they’re thinking. Right. 

 Yeah, so the first step is really to acknowledge that I am, I exist, I’m real, and I have experiences.  I may not feel comfortable knowing about them because if I know about them, actually it can be really scary.  Like somehow one really it’s, I’m not watching what they’re doing.  And I might, something bad might happen if I’m not paying attention.

This is very common with individuals who grew up in emotionally unpredictable environments. Caregivers who were moody, who were absent, who were emotionally ambivalent, they would love you, but then they would turn on you. They were sometimes available, sometimes they weren’t abusive caregivers verbally or physically.

 I said moody. I’m a punishing, authoritative, critical. So the experience in this primary relationship doesn’t feel safe so how do I get safe? Well, I’ll get safe by making sure, like I’m watching my perimeters. So I’m so busy  thinking about what the other person is feeling, that I’m not paying attention to what’s happening for me.

And what’s more is that in these relationships, unfortunately, these caregivers, not maliciously or intentionally, God forbid, unconsciously,  unknowingly are not reflecting back your experience. They don’t see you, you’re not seen, so you’re not seen, you’re not valued, and you’re not safe, and you’re certainly not satisfied in this relationship.

And so your sense of self doesn’t have a safe place. To grow and develop. And so here we are in adulthood and I don’t even know who I am because nobody ever paid attention,  right? And so now I’m in a, I’m married and I’m a mother, thank God. And I’m really struggling in this relationship. And the issue isn’t that my kids are, something’s wrong with them, God forbid.

Or my husband’s not a nice guy like I thought he was, oh, you really let me down.  Not likely. He’s probably an okay guy. But you can’t really know for sure until you tap into your own self and ask yourself, well, who am I? What do I want? What do I need? How, how do I feel in this? Do I feel safe? Do I feel seen and valued?

And the mistake we made as you alluded to Bat-Chen, is people look outward for someone else to do it for me. Right.  And that’s where I don’t have emotional boundaries because I’m relying depending on someone else to affirm that I exist. Which means you don’t exist,  right? You don’t exist.  And so you’re always disappointed.

You don’t feel safe to be you. You don’t feel satisfied. You don’t feel seen and valued. And then we do what we always do. We work harder, we do more.  We turn up the volume on our care, care of others, love of others, I do so much for you. And then,  you know, and then we resent the people in our lives because they’re not participating in the transaction.

You owe me,  you owe me. You, you have to pay me back. Now, don’t you understand how this this relationship works. I give you, you give me back,  but really relationships, in my opinion, work best.  And I say work like you, if you put sugar, I use this example, if you put sugar in your car, in the tank of your car, the gas tank, it’s not gonna work.

Like, it literally will not run. So I don’t mean colloquially, it won’t work. I mean, literally relationships don’t work. The, the joy, the satisfaction, the pleasure that is embedded in these connections is not nurtured, does not have like a ground  to grow in  If I don’t exist,  right?

I’m not here. How can I take pleasure and joy in this connection? And that’s, that’s really where it begins. It really begins in recognizing this idea that a relationship  the way I define it is I like to imagine it like the space between us, you and me. There’s a space between us.  And I am me liba separate in my own mind, and you can reside in your mind.

And then we come together in this space and we relate to one another.  And the quality of this relationship is gonna depend on how I experience myself as a separate individual and how you experience yourself as a separate individual. Now, if you know, if in this relationship you don’t feel safe.  In this relationship  how you, of course you represent other people.

How you will  think, feel, and behave  is gonna be different than the who knows who she is, is confident in herself,  feels safe in herself, in her capital. Self  feels confident, trusts herself. Her relationship with herself that, Bat-Chen will come to the relationship a totally different individual.  And so we can point the finger and say it’s you.

I can say it’s my husband. If he were different then I’d be happy.  Right? But really what we’re saying is my happiness is depends on you.  I need you to make me a certain way. But really  that is actually an indication that, oh, maybe I’m lacking emotional boundaries.  Which isn’t a bad thing.

It’s not a bad thing. It’s not a problem. It’s an invitation. It’s an invitation to get to know myself as a separate individual. Feeling separate is scary.  It’s scary. Scary to be my own person.  ’cause  all I know is needing people. All I know is I need you. And then if I don’t need you, well then   how does relationship work?

Like how does a relationship work if I’m not dependent on you? And so many of us don’t have that experience of a mutually satisfying relationship, a safe, secure relationship where it’s safe to be you,  and you are free to be you as you are. And I welcome you as you are, and I’m curious to get to know you. 

And you can be whoever you are because I, the parent, let’s say I have emotional boundaries, so I’m not threatened by you. You can be whoever you are.  You be you. I can relate to you because I know who I am. I have emotional boundaries. I can step into the space. If I don’t have emotional boundaries, then what I do is I need you, my child to be something for me. 

And so what we do is we grow up in these environments, in these emotional environments where relationships are both based on meeting other people’s needs, not our own.  And so we come into adult life and we don’t know about our own needs and we don’t know about our own wants, and we continue this pattern of  seeking someone else to meet them.

’cause we think unconsciously, not consciously, but we unconsciously believe that that’s how it works. But it doesn’t put sugar in your gas tank and see if your car will move. It doesn’t work.  It doesn’t work. Which again, it’s not a problem. It’s not an invitation saying, Hey.  You’re important. You matter.

You’re here and you deserve love. You deserve safety. You deserve to feel valued. But here’s the thing, it’s not anybody else’s job to provide that for you.  Right?  Yeah. And I.  And God put you here in this specific situation with all these people who are not filling your needs so that you’re pushed to have to fill your own needs.

Right?  Thank you, God. Thank you.  It’s sometimes we come with complaints to God. We’re like, why am I stuck in this crazy situation? We’re no dah dah, right? And we can go on and on and on, and God is like, I did that on purpose. I did that intentionally. It is all orchestrated so that you can reach the wall and you know, sort of have to face it, that this is the time for you to show up for yourself.

And we don’t like that. We’re like, no, you’re supposed to.  This should be no, because we, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and, and we don’t like that. I think I hear almost like, I really hear in that, and I say this with a compassion, I hear the little child that’s like, I’m scared to be,  because, can I say hash? 

Can I use that? Yeah. Yeah. So I You’re saying, God,  I call God Hashem. I know some of your listeners, you have different listeners from different parts of the world,

and I say like, Hashem, I am sitting alone in my bed and I’ve just had a fight with my husband, like, Hashem, why did I marry this person?   Why was this the match that you made?  Like, where’s my knight in shining armor?  Where’s that guy who’s supposed to gallop in on his white horse and save me from all my pain? 

Hashem’s like, oh no, mama. That’s not how it works, sweetheart. That doesn’t work that way. This isn’t how it works.  This isn’t how the world was created.  It’d be nice. It’d be nice. Don’t get me wrong. And Disney makes a mint on this fantasy. It would be nice, but in reality,  in pursuit of your highest potential and the highest repair.

To elevate creation is to find within yourself a relationship where you can see yourself the way I see you.

And I see myself there, just like this broken little girl, but I’m so broken,  I’m so hurt.  And Hashem  says, yeah,  yeah. I go, yeah.  Oh.  So I can just be hurt. I don’t need to make anyone fix this for me. I can just be hurt. Yeah, you can be hurt. You’re allowed to feel pain and loss. You know what loss is? Loss is, is, is preordained, like Hashem created the experience and the human being of loss.

Why? So that you would pursue connection  Loss is your body’s way of saying, I want closeness,  I’m longing for closeness.  For me, someone who has been hurt in closeness will feel ambivalent. I want the closeness, but I’m scared  ’cause I’ve been so hurt in closeness. I want to feel safe in closeness. Notice I’m saying what I want. 

I’m not saying to my husband, you need to make me feel safe. You need to be this person who makes me feel safe. I say I want to feel safe. I am taking accountability for my own self and my wants. I want safety. What has to happen in my relationship with myself  in my repair  or in Hebrew, we can say tikun in my repair, like for all the  stars in the sky and the grains of sand, this one little morsel.

This is me, this is you. We all have our very important job here.  What do I need to repair  so that I can. It’s not, it’s not just find, it’s discover, it’s  an revelation that I can reveal that within this brokenness.  It’s such a high level of connection  for those who are listening. I feel I have tears in my eyes and I’m like,  I’m full of emotion because the possibility here in our conflicts. 

Is so great. The possibility of connection of elevation  of Revelation is so powerful  that we unfortunately  do this thing as humans in these flesh suits, right?  We go, no thank you.  No, thank you. Too scary.  And God’s like, yeah, I know. I put that there.  That fear is there for a reason.  That fear is an opportunity for you to bring light into a dark place.

There is a darkness here. So  part of creating emotional boundaries is not just saying I’m here and I exist, but also to pay attention to all the parts of me, particularly the parts that may have been exiled  and need to be brought back.  Which is also a beautiful idea of redemption. They need to be redeemed from those dark places that nobody wants to go to.

’cause it does hurt. As a therapist, that’s my job. My job is to accompany you into the dark forest, to hold your hand, to light the match,  hand you the the torch and be like, oh girl, I’ve been here. Let’s do this. We got this. And to keep you company as you go into those dark places and redeem parts of yourself that have had to be sent off into exile while, because in your primary, foundational experiences, it wasn’t safe to be you.

Remember, it wasn’t safe. It wasn’t safe to be sad. It wasn’t safe to be hurt. You couldn’t tell your caregiver that hurts you’re late Again, I would say, let’s say to my mother, she should live and be well.  You’re late. I say this ’cause I’m writing a book and I’m writing a story about, and there’s like a story of being late and what it was like to, for me to be a mother who runs late and how it would so hurtful to me as a mother because I know what it feels like. 

So I’m using this as an example.

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So go book yours today. Now back to the show. 

 You bring in all these beautiful examples and.  Even if the caregiver is the best mother, the best mother, she’s still going to do things that hurt you because that’s your journey.  If you were meant to have a perfect mother, then God would have made your mother perfect, but none of us are perfect and therefore none of us are going to have an experience growing up of.

No pain, no hurt. Never experienced any, you know, aloneness. I’m completely held. No, that’s the whole point. It’s, you know, we can’t even blame our parents for this. It’s part of the journey that we were given so that we can push ourselves to find and redeem and really light up. Right, right. And I often say, and all of my clients will attest to this, I will always say, this is not a witch hunt.

We’re not coming for anybody, in fact.  I’m suggesting is the opposite. We’re not blaming anybody. This isn’t on anybody else. Granted   interactions happened experiences occurred. You have a history, you come from somewhere. But we can’t go back in time.  The point here now in the present is not to drag anybody through the mud or toss them onto the stand, you know, and, and bring them into court.

And now they have to. This is not what’s happening. What’s happening actually, in my pursuit of establishing emotional boundaries around my capital itself is to recognize  with everything said and done, here I am today in this moment, and the question is, in my pursuit, I’m gonna take accountability for myself. 

Who am I?  How did I get here is important, but what do I wanna do about it now? What we do today and the choices I make today are up to me, not anybody else. It’s how I respond to my experiences that really matters,  the fact that things are happening. Well, thank you, Hashem. Thanks God.

Like thank you. Thank you. I was taking a hike yesterday with my son  and my husband.  And it was getting dark, and I said to my son, we, I was feeling scared. I was feeling nervous. I was feeling fear. We weren’t in danger, but I was feeling fear in my body. And I said to my son  and I, as I tell you and your listeners, you know, I’ve started doing, when I feel this fear, I say, thank you, Hashem. 

Thank you for this opportunity for me to remember and to reconnect to you the truth and the light.  That that’s what’s real.  This feeling in my body, it’s just an emotion. It’s not, it’s an emotion. The emotion is real, but it doesn’t reflect reality, and that’s really important. Mm-hmm. So like when your husband, let’s say for example, leaves the wet towel on your bed and you are  furious.

The fury is real,  but it doesn’t reflect reality. Your husband does not a perpetrator, he’s not that bad guy. He does not embody every single man that has ever hurt you.  That’s actually not what’s happening. You are feeling fury. And that’s what I was talking about  in the pursuit of emotional boundaries.

We acknowledge our emotions, they’re real and sometimes very strong and powerful.  And so I will actually, in my more dysregulated years, stop hand to heart,  close my eyes and turn my attention inward and say, darling, this is real.  This feeling is real. The mistake we make is then we react and the reaction is often in one way or another, a demand of the other person to do something to make that feeling go away,  say sorry. 

You know, beat your chest, lashes suffer. I want you to know how, how much it hurts. So I’m gonna hurt you and we’re projecting out, which means we cross our boundaries. Bye-bye. We are. We are like out.  We’re out there and dragging that person in and being like, now you need to fix this.  No, they don’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, it would be nice.

It would be so nice if your partner came and said, oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did it again.  That’s on me. And I, I’m so sorry. I, I’m really gonna keep working on that.  I wish for you and me, it’s a nice thing. It’s a nice thing to do, but if he doesn’t,  he hasn’t not done his job because that’s not his job in this first place.

It’s not his job to make you feel better.  Right. And that’s how we know we have emotional boundaries because we know it’s not anyone’s job to make me anything. I make myself.  I am accountable for myself and when I can take accountability for myself.  Then what is possible? ’cause then people are like, yeah, but then where’s the connection when you’re accountable for yourself?

Oh, watch what happens. The interactions, when you step into that space, that relational space that we were talking about earlier. Now  you and I can come and meet in that space. It’s two whole separate individuals who are accountable for themselves. That is a safe place to be. That is a place where intimacy can  like, whew, what a beautiful dance. 

This is where intimacy, pleasure, joy, connection, can reside. ’cause it’s safe.  It’s safe. I can be vulnerable with you.  Why not? Because I trust you. Not to hurt me though, that is nice. But I trust myself to know that if you hurt me, I can be okay. I can take care of my self.  You can let me down and I’m okay.

Wasn’t always like that.  Wasn’t always like that. But now with emotional boundaries, it is. I’m okay.  With work and commitment and faith,  we can really create something really beautiful, a really beautiful relationship.  Please God, your partner is ready and willing to participate in the same dynamic and you guys can meet,  but even if you can’t, God forbid  you still have the self, you still have you. 

And that’s that’s important.  That’s to me, everything  I. Right, because you have that, you’re good.  You’re good.  I don’t mean good morally good. I mean good meaning you’re, you’re safe, you’re comfortable, you’re seen, you’re valuable, you’re solid. You have a ground to stand on.  Yeah.  You know, you were talking about the identities.

We have so many identities that we hold onto and sometimes we hide behind, right? I’m a mother, I’m a wife, I’m a daughter, I’m a sister. You know how like you come to a place and somebody says, oh, you’re so-and-so’s daughter, so-and-so’s sister, and now you no longer have your own think I. 

Exactly. Totally. Yeah. So how, you know, how we see ourselves is very reflected by those relationships  and then suddenly what if you know,  your kids grow up and you’re no longer that  mother that they needed then. And like there’s just so much space of not being mother. What do I do with myself?

What do I do now? Or you moved out of your parents’ home and like you’re no longer that attachment then  that really gets to be the push sometimes for people to question, wait, what is my identity? Right? Like, well, ’cause there’s a difference psychologically, at least I’ll make the distinction between roles and identities.

Rules are the things that you do. Like if I get up on stage and I play like what’s her name in English, little Red Riding Hood, I play that role. But who I am off stage is who I am, and I am that, and I bring that even on stage into the role. Your identity, who you are  is not a reflection of what you do.

It is your essence,  right. And ideally you had this opportunity to get to know yourself and not just to get to know yourself, but to be known  psychologically. We know who we are because of how we were, what was reflected back to us. And you think like when you have a baby,  please God, you hold this baby close to you and the baby in their mind psychologically actually borrows your mind,  right?

So if you’re really anxious, baby’s like, oh, yep, we’re anxious. It’s called a symbiotic stage. You’re one, you’re essentially one, and that’s okay. That’s, that’s appropriate. If you’re calm and cool as a cucumber, baby’s like, okay, cool. We’re calm, cool as a cucumber. And I just wanna say for anyone listening, it’s okay if you feel anxious.

As a mama, it’s okay if you feel cool. Okay. We’re, everything is allowed here. Not one is good and one is bad. We’re just humans and we have all sorts of experiences. But the point here is that as. An infant grows and they start to have the neurological mechanisms start to develop where they’re able to perceive themselves as separate.

For example, they can see their own hands and they’re like, whoa, I got hands. And then they start to see that those hands are actually their own. You know what? Their babies, they like scratch themselves because they don’t know that they’re, those are their hands. And then at like a certain stage, four, six months, they start to see their hands.

They’re like, whoa, I got hands.  Oh, I’m a person. I’m separate. And bit by bit your, your, this infant starts to sense themselves as separate, and then they turn to their caregiver and they go, right, I’m separate. And that’s where it’s so important. The caregivers capacity to relate to the infant is separate. 

Now, if I, me, I’m speaking for myself here, I didn’t have that experience. And so when my babies wanted to be separate, I got really scared and anxious. Oh gosh, be careful. 

I, I, this was my challenge and I kind of knew what was going on. I was like, ah, wait a minute. And so I had to tinker in my own mind,  my own mind, my own patterns of relating so that I could feel safe as a  separate individual. ’cause remember, as an infant, I didn’t get that, so I had to repair those patterns.

Then I was able to show up in this relationship with my infinite and go, it’s cool. You’re good. I’m good. We’re good. You’re separate. I’m separate. It’s cool. And let’s enjoy this connection together. That’s a secure relationship. It’s safe to be you. It’s safe to be me, and there’s enough love to go around.

There’s enough for everybody  in an insecure relationship where it’s not so safe. I sometimes say to my clients the feeling is insecurity. Not like, oh my behind looks big in these pants. Kind of insecure. Or like, oh, I don’t look good in these, this shirt kind of insecure, but like really unsafe to be who I am.

To be me.  And  in those relationships it’s not safe to be me. And if that’s an experience that I had, then my sense of self, my identity will be impacted.  So much so that I won’t even know who I am. People come into work with me and they’re like, they come to a point where like, oh my gosh, I exist. I’m like, yes, hello, and they’re like, hello.

I’m like, isn’t it awesome? They’re like, oh my gosh. I didn’t know that I existed, that I was separate like that. I was just a separate person.  If you don’t know this feeling, it might sound foreign. Like what? If you know this,  it makes sense and it feels really good. And it feels safe. That’s the idea.

It’s safe to be me now. It wasn’t always safe.  It just wasn’t safe for me to be me. So that’s the value of emotional boundaries and, and the first step is to recognize that the self  exists and it’s separate.  And to get to know the self, all parts of self, and you might have to do.  It’s not a problem. It’s an opportunity you might get to dig a little deeper to get to know yourself.

I mean, that’s my job, right? That’s how I help people. I’m like, let’s go deeper. Like let me help you get to know yourself and feel safe doing that  so that you can come out of it all and go, oh, oh, I know what I want. I know what I need. It might be scary to say it, but  I know that I can handle that  and I’m gonna let you know that actually.

 I’m trying, I’m thinking of an example, but it’s not too much. I’m actually, no, I don’t wanna go on a date with you. I don’t wanna go on a date with you. The dates suck. I don’t like them. I like you and I really wanna have good dates with you and I’m totally here for it to, to talk about how we can make that happen.

But I can tell you right now, no, I don’t wanna go out with you ’cause  we’re not having fun dates. They’re boring, they’re not intentional.  And you cancel all the time on me. So no  start showing up reliably. And maybe I’ll wanna go on a date with you. Show up.  Right? And that, that’s, that’s, that’s a boundary. 

That’s a boundary. ’cause a boundary. Also, another misnomer is not a barrier. Some people say, oh, I have a boundary. Actually, I think you’re, the thing about boundaries is they actually make it safe to let people in.  If you go, well, I have a boundary, don’t come near me. That’s not a boundary, that’s a barrier. 

When you have solid emotional boundaries, it’s safe to connect to people.  I can connect intimately with my husband emotionally and really vulnerably  because I have those emotional boundaries  and to say, no, I don’t like that. No, I don’t want that. I might have wanted that, you know, 20 years ago when we first met, but I was a kid.

I didn’t know myself. Now I know myself. And I know what I want. And this isn’t me pushing you away, sweetie. I’m not trying to push you away  like maybe I did in the past. Actually. This is an invitation to get close to you. I’m letting you know this ’cause I wanna be close to you,  right?  Yeah. You know, when I think of boundaries visually, I think a lot of people are living on hills with no  no gate.

Right. Like people are trespassing all the time and it’s just because they don’t know that this is your house. ’cause there’s no beginning and end. It’s just all greenery and they think it’s part of the mountain. They’re not really sure it’s you. They don’t understand where you begin an end. So it’s like they’re doing it not on purpose and it just happens to be a natural place where people come and go.

Yes, yes. And there’s those people who have, like you said, those. Really hardwire.  Yeah. It’s like  my boundaries don’t start off with me, you know? Yeah. And like really tough, this belief that if I’m not assertive, you know, in a, in a negative way, like really strong and, and push, push away, then danger will come.

Right? There’s this like. I have to keep everybody away. Which is not healthy. Not for you, not for anyone else. Because then they don’t know how to approach. They’re not even sure there is a way in, like you said, barbed wire everywhere. Where’s the gate? Where’s the door? Do I knock? Do I ring? Like, what?

What’s the way to connect you? Right? But then there’s that beautiful fence that just shows you that this is where you can come in and this is the path. And you know, there’s a, a really beautiful. Feel to the whole thing. Yeah. And it allows for people not to just barge in  and come through the ways that you are cool with people coming in.

And then you can always close and open and sort of like, you know, change things up the way you like. This is just  Right. Right. So there are two thoughts I I’d like to share here to your listener. One is, if you’re a person with barbed wire.  Again, say it’s not a problem. It’s an invitation. It’s an invitation to look inward and recognize how unsafe you feel that you need barbed wire.

And so to really bring some compassion and empathy and understanding to this relationship with yourself and not shame and guilt, and. I’m bad for this. Oh, I’m getting something wrong, but actually I’ve got this barbed wire here because I really don’t feel safe. So that’s an invitation to one, recognize the lack of safety.

And two, to get curious about how can I feel safe? What do I need? Operative words here for the South? What do I need to feel safe? And at this point it might be tricky because you don’t actually know ’cause you’ve never felt it. Again, we bring compassion to that place and then we say, well, what would be the most radically kind and compassionate way to relate to a person who doesn’t know how to feel safe?

If I was standing outside the barbed wire, how would I speak to the person on the other side who is, who has wrapped themselves in barbed wire? How would I speak to them in order to let them know that I want to connect to them? But I do understand how unsafe they feel, and I hope that, you know, I really wanna connect with you.

So that’s an, that’s an option.  The other thing I wanted to share was that when we think about being in our homes with this, even, even with a nice gate, something I’ll often share with my clients when I explain this concept of boundaries, because  when we talk about it, people are like, I couldn’t, I couldn’t.

I said, okay.   You ever home and you’re kind of putting your kids to sleep and then someone starts banging on the door.  You know, someone comes, they’re like banging on the door.  Well, I go and I open it. But you’re putting your kids to sleep. Do you wanna open the door? Not really, but they’re banging.

So, so who are you opening door for them or for you?   Who do you live for? Who, who? Another thing, another phrase that I’ve heard is I’m trying to keep the peace whose peace. Their piece so that they don’t stand outside banging on the door. This is your house. You get to choose who comes in.

And often people will be like, oh, I never thought about that way  because when someone knocks my door, I get up and I go and I answer it. God forbid they should stand out there.  They should stand out there knocking on the door, wondering where I am. And the reason is because you know what that’s like. You know what it’s like to stand outside, knock on a door, and no one answers.

You know how that feels. And that’s important.  That’s yours. It needs attention. But it doesn’t mean that now you need to worry about everybody else knocking on doors,  right? That’s a preoccupied pattern of relating where I project my pain on onto other people.  I imagine them feeling what I feel, and then I go and I take care of them,  which is very nice, except you’re so busy taking care of everybody else.

You’re not taking care  of yourself, and suddenly living room is full of a bunch of people who just banged on your door and you can’t do what you want, which is put your kids to sleep and maybe watch the Netflix.  And so you’ve essentially sacrificed yourself for others,  right? You are not what’s a corban in English? 

A sacrifice. Thank you. You’re not, you’re not a sacrifice. You’re not a sacrificial lamb.  You’re a human being  with your own mind,  your own wants, your wishes, your desires, your purpose, your meaning, your thoughts, your opinions, and all those things make you, you.  You are entitled to them. You deserve them.

Whether you believe it or not. I’m telling you, it’s a fact. It’s not really after discussion. It’s just a fact. Like if I drop this clip, it will fall gravity. Another fact,  another fact is you exist and you matter. Even if you don’t believe it. If you don’t believe it, well, there’s another invitation.  What’s going on there in my relationship with myself that I don’t believe my value because I believe in everybody else’s value. 

I am empathic and loving to everybody else, taking care of everybody else. So what’s the reason I can’t direct that towards myself?  So, again, another invitation  that I’m here,  there’s a relationship to be had here, a longing, even. There’s a longing and it deserves to be satisfied.  Not ’cause I say so, but ’cause God says so. It’s like, that’s not me. This is creation. These are the rules of creation. Mm-hmm.  This is the path to redemption.  This is a personal redemption  that is available to you.

And I’m telling you, it is sweet on the other side. It is sweet.  Again, another fact, you don’t have to believe me. Give it a try. See what happens. It’s an invitation. Come, come, come join me. Let’s come. Come and see what happens. It’s very delicious. Yes. To feel safe, to see, feel seen, to feel valued, to feel confident in all of your relationships with God, with your partner, with your children, with money, with business.

Like, oh, wait a minute, everything’s okay.  Right. Oh,  wow. And just imagine what’s available to you when everything is okay.  When you’re safe and you’re valuable, just imagine.  Yeah. It’s pretty sweet.  It is. Yeah. Well, we can’t talk about boundaries and go over time because then we would be breaking our own boundaries and I feel really bad about that.

So  let’s invite everyone to follow up and continue this conversation. How can people find you and work with you?  Well, the best way to reach me is through my website. At liba lurie.com  and even better is to send me a message like I’m, I like to say I’m a real person. I’m pretty friendly and I really love connections.

That’s really my MO is connection. And there are people will be like, oh, I couldn’t like.  Maybe you can, maybe you could give it a try, see what happens. You might just find that I’m pretty friendly and welcoming, so  you can kind of check me out on my website and there are links there to all of my socials.

You can book a consultation call with me and you can send me a private message just to say hi.  That’s amazing.  Is amazing.  It’s been such a blessing and a pleasure to talk about this with you because you have all the words and all the examples and you make it come alive. And now I feel like, wow, that’s amazing.

What do  um, I’m so glad.  What’s a question that somebody can walk out of this listening this podcast and think. Wow. I wanna answer this question, like the first thing I need to ask myself in order to get on this road to getting to know myself better, to connecting with my own self.  What would you say?

The question I had asked myself was, wait a minute,  what do I want?  And in in that pursuit of not knowing the answer. Do you wanna know what you want? I don’t know. What would you wanna know?  That’s the question. Do you want it?  I don’t feel safe. Do you want to feel safe? What do I want? Because whatever you want, God wants it for you too. 

It’s there, it’s available. You just gotta like open the faucet.  So what do I want is the question.  And I love how you say, do you want to want, because that’s usually the problem. You know? You say peace, love,  📍 calm . Oh my gosh, can I just live in this? Cool.  I. Cool reality, like I don’t know what I would do there because I’m so used to being firefighter.

I’m so used to running after drama. I don’t know what life looks like without all that. So a lot of times we  what? It’s boring. It’s boring,  but it’s good boring.  And there’s a Buddhist blessing. May you be blessed with a boring life,  meaning no drama, no chaos. No chaos and in the board and we get to ask ourselves, well, what do I wanna do with all this time and space and energy? 

And you get to know yourself in a very deep way. The way that you were created, the way that God knows you, you get to know. And through that, you get to know God.  And it’s not just in the self, but in the in also in your connections with others. It’s so deep. It is so profound. It is so beautiful, and it feels so good. 

Hmm. I love that. Hmm. And with that, we are good. Me too.  Thank you. I just wanna like hug you. Thanks. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me here and to share.  Thank you.  Thank you so much for coming. Thank you listeners for listening. Please follow up with both of us if you need any help getting to this connection with yourself, really, that is what we are here for. 

Amen.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real?  And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. 

Can you share it with them?  I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from  connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.