175. Mastering Time and Marriage as a Neurodiverse Woman

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.

 And we are live, welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman and today with me is Lisa and we’re going to be talking about time and marriage. So Lisa, introduce yourself and then we’ll get right into it. Okay, so I am a couples counselor. I work internationally and my specialty is ADHD, though I see a lot of other types of couples and couples will be coming to me.

Sometimes they’re dating and sometimes they’re either married and sometimes they’re on their second and third marriage and Besides that, I speak also at conferences. I just spoke at a huge corporation yesterday on different topics, communication, ADHD, stress, time, all sorts of issues. And I’m also an author, which I’m sure we’ll get to in just a little bit too.

Yeah, that’s so cool. So I’m excited about this because time is one of the biggest topics that comes up when I work with my women. I’m sure you have the same thing. You know, time and marriage, how time affects marriage, how marriage affects. It’s the way you see yourself within time and what you believe about yourself and your abilities and just, you know, our identity around time.

I’m not good with time or I’m always late or, you know, I’m lazy. There’s all these things that we create about ourselves. We don’t create them on purpose, but the, the beliefs that we have, the stories that we tell ourselves about time, about the way we manage time. And it’s fascinating to me. In my own experience, my own journey of how I’ve gone from, Oh, I’m lazy.

I can’t figure this out. I’m just not good at this too. Oh, I can actually do this thing. You know, I could start on time and end on time. I could, you know, manage myself within time. I. Didn’t think it was possible. So just for anybody who thinks it’s impossible. It’s possible. It’s very cool. You can do it like What’s going on there?

Yeah. Yeah, you mentioned so many different things the first piece is let’s talk narratives the stories that we tell ourselves and I have to say I didn’t hear Positives and I don’t think anybody comes in with positive stories. We have all these negative stories whether it’s You know, wherever it comes from, it comes in and then it impacts our conversations with ourselves and with others and certainly our partners.

And I usually just try to slow down people and to say, like, let’s just notice. I really try to move judgment out of the conversation. Let’s just notice the narratives. Sometimes we’ll notice where did they come from? And then what do we want to do with them? Like, how does You know, I’m lazy or, I can’t do this or I can’t be on time impact us, right?

And then it impacts the relationship because we’re fighting sometimes about, and certainly if we’re talking ADHD, that plays a huge role in, in the conflicts that couples will have. So, you know, I can go lots of different directions on this. So is there a specific path you want to go down right now?

Yeah. I feel like one of the biggest problems that I see is when. The husband is a normal, he’s a square, like he can figure it out. You know, he goes, he comes back. Yes. His schedule. He knows when to be on time, blah, blah, blah. Right. And then like, why can’t you just get it?

It almost, you know, people tell me he makes me feel broken, which obviously he can’t make you feel anything because he is just doing him and you’re just doing you. But in that relationship and that interaction, there is a feeling that your husband’s pulling you down and pushing you down and shoving it in your face, that there is something wrong with you and that you’re broken and that You’re not okay or not enough.

And that’s way more, it feels like than a narrative, right? Like a narrative is maybe something I think about myself or how I see myself. But if I have somebody shoving it in my face every single day, it feels a lot more potent, you know, it has a lot more power on us. And a lot of times that can really create so much resentment.

Yes, yes, so much resentment. So what I hear you saying is we have our own narratives, right? But I actually do try to ask partners to identify their narratives. about their partner, right? Because those play out. And then we explore how does, if you keep that narrative about your partner, how’s that impacting them?

Because like you said, it pulls them down. It hurts them. And Most of the couples I work with, they don’t want to do that. And so we try and then, like you said, it causes resentment and pain and hurt and anguish and all sorts of things stress in the marriage. So I usually try to go, okay, you have your narratives, you have your narratives.

What do we want to do? Like, is this helping it? A lot of times they’re assumptions. Sometimes where they’re not checked. And sometimes it’s like, well, you’ve been late for the last, you know, five years. That’s not a narrative. That’s true. And then sort of. What do we want to do with that? Right? So each person can do something with that.

So one person can decide I want to change that. Okay? Well, let’s figure out how do we want to change that? So the person might decide, maybe I’m just gonna accept that. And I have to say one of my clients actually said it out loud. He was very excited with himself. He said, we were on time.

Like all over the holidays, everything that we had to get to, we were on time. Great. And I had a feeling he had done this. He goes, he let the cat out of the bag. He goes, instead of telling her it was at one, I told her it was 1245. And you know what? She was like, okay. You know, tell me it’s at 1245. We’ll be ready by one.

He was happy. She was happy. And there was no fighting. Okay. Right. That works. Doesn’t work for everybody, but you have to come up with something because going around and around on the same subject is exhausting and it doesn’t feel good for you, for either one of you. So we’ve got to do something different.

I love that you said your husband is for the most part, not trying to push you down, you know, like husbands don’t wake up in the morning thinking, how can I mess my, my wife’s day today? You know, it doesn’t work that way. And a lot of times we think it does because that’s how it feels like, what is it?

Your entire being is just to get on my case. Right. But it’s not, it actually isn’t. And a lot of times from my own experience, what I have found is that my husband’s just really trying to like, reflect to me reality or show me what time it is. You know, he’ll, he’ll just randomly ask me like, what time is it?

You know, what time is it? I’ll be like, what are you trying to say? He’s like, I just want to make you aware of the time. Like I really, really did not say anything other than what I said. So, so realizing, taking away that power, taking away that like story about him also is extremely important, powerful. I like what you said because can a question just be a question, right, and not imply all these things.

And a lot of times we make assumptions that that question about what time is it actually means all sorts of other things when maybe, maybe, it’s just what time is it. So it’s interesting how we can sort of put all sorts of things in there and then it can also be the way that’s. Sometimes someone can ask a very neutral question like, Hey, what time is it?

And we didn’t hear that. We heard, what time is it? Like, you know, implying and suggesting that, like, did you notice that it’s late that we’re running late, you know? And it’s just right. So, so kind of Mason is a fellow coach. She’s amazing. And do you know her? She, she calls it the ATM machine, that your brain is an ATM machine, and that means.

So you hear a random sentence from someone says, what time is it? And your brain automatically goes, and that means that he thinks I’m late. And that means that I’m not, you know, no good for nothing. And that means I’ll never get it right. Right. And we go into this whole loop just because our brain is.

Um, I’m glad that you named it because sometimes we don’t realize that we’re looping and when we get in there, oh my gosh, it’s like a hamster wheel. We just keep going. Or like the treadmill, which is go, go, go, go, go. And we can’t get off of it. And it’s so hard to put the brakes on, you know, like if you think about a treadmill, if you turn it off quickly, like it’s a little bit of a shock to the system, right?

How do you get off? Because if you don’t, Again, you’re running a narrative and a story that’s not going to help this relationship, not going to help you. And just, it’s just, again, gets into this painful loop. And so, I want to talk to you about your book. And specifically, my biggest question is, because I always have this, like, you know, pulled in two directions.

ADHD, it’s a label. You know, and sometimes it’s like a relief at first or like, Oh, finally I figured out what’s wrong with me, but then it’s like a label that sort of keeps keeps you stuck in that label too. And I’ve, I’ve seen people let that hold them back. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. So, on that topic, it’s so interesting.

I was just speaking with somebody yesterday, I don’t remember the name of his book, but it was something about he was so excited that he was diagnosed, and it was a sense of relief. So, for some people, it is a sense of relief. And sometimes people will ask me, like, I think I am, maybe I’m not, I don’t know, should I get diagnosed?

And I don’t think there’s a right answer there. Like, maybe, maybe not. If you’re not sure right now, then don’t, if you feel like it’s going to lead to a sense of relief, then do it. And like you said, the difficulty is, is it then going to hold you back? Are you going to say, so I can’t do this and I can’t do this and I can’t do this because I have ADHD.

And to me, that’s excuses. I don’t deal with excuses. It’s like, you’re going to show up and you’re going to do it. And if you need to get ADHD coaching or some kind of help. Great. There’s so much out there. There’s resources, apps. I actually have a whole section of my book on here’s some resources for you.

You don’t have to feel like it’s a sentence that, is going to mean something terrible and awful because there’s so many also wonderful, wonderful parts of it that people just seem to ignore. And like we’re talking about time, and that seems to be one of the difficulties for individuals with ADHD.

They also do fantastic things, like for instance, spontaneity and time. They’re great! You know, you want to go to this event that’s happening? Here we go! Let’s go! And that can be a great part. We love that about them. Then there’s some other things that are a little bit more challenging when it comes to time.

Also, I mean, you know, they do things much faster because they procrastinated. So then they like, you know, finish the job in half the time. And it’s like, Oh, like my husband will say I do dishes faster, but he will do them more consistently. So isn’t it worth it to just make sure they’re done and then work harder?

Or should he wait for me to do it? And then I’ll do it really quickly. Like, this is just awareness. And awareness without labels really helps us in our marriage, personally, like, yeah.

And again, doesn’t sound like he’s right or wrong. You’re not right or wrong. It’s just. What do we need to do today? How are we going to manage this? I always think about it as we’re team, right? And we need to play to our strengths. And if they need to get done in the next five minutes, we’re gonna have you do you know, if it has to be done on a regular basis this week, because we have a lot of guests, then maybe possibly could be that something he’s doing.

And maybe you’re doing something else, right? How do we both? We have to show up because we’re a team that I always focus on marriage is you guys are teammates and you have to take care of each other. How are we going to do that? And if time is going to be something that really causes stress, let’s play to your strengths when it comes to that.

And this is a perfect example of it. Perfect example. I love it. Love it. Yeah. Okay. Let’s talk about your book. Yeah. It’s so beautiful. I’m a designer, so first thing I see is the book. Okay, I’m like, whatever it says is fine, but like it’s so beautiful. It’s also, the inside is so easy to read. I have to say, the major keys.

for me was couples. I’d be seeing couples and be like, I tried to read this book and I got like 20 pages in and this one, the one chapter was 50 pages long. Like, how am I supposed to read that? Don’t they know I have difficulty focusing? Granted, sometimes they hyper focus and sometimes they have difficulty paying attention and focusing.

So I really focused on taking all the different feedback that clients would give me about different books and put it into my book. And so that’s how it is. Easy, easy read and I try to break things down a lot and not only break them down because I would teach something, but then I would say, okay, now let’s do some exercises around that.

Right? And so then there’s some questions and there’s interaction because this is a couple’s book. You should be interacting on that topic that of something you just learned, but then I want you to do something. Right, so each section had a different purpose, and it just kept repeating itself over and over and over again.

So you really knew that, okay, this is what we’re going to have, we’re going to have material that you’re going to learn, questions you’re going to discuss, takeaways, right? Come back to it and just keep going. So I want to give you like 10 stars just for the thought behind the design, you know, because I was a graphic designer for 15 years.

I did, you know, I designed books and book covers and all sorts of other awesome things, and it’s so fun when the person understands the importance of the design, the importance of taking the time to like break down the sentences, break down the, you know, the page to make it easier to read. It is, it’s such a life changer.

Especially for people who are not, you know, I’m not a book person or I don’t read, you know, this is definitely like, you know, good job. Good job. But I’m glad. Yeah. And we spent a lot of time. It’s so interesting. I think I maybe way back in my memory, I remember seeing something about you know, being a graphic designer, but you don’t realize like how much.

time and effort goes into like what title, right? I remember the person I was with, she kept saying to me, so what are we going to call us? I’m like, I don’t know. And then one day she said to me, what have you been dealing with a lot this week? And I said, people just keep saying, why won’t you stop interrupting me?

Why won’t you stop interrupting me? I’m like, and she said to me, well, that sounds like it really speaks to people and it’s a challenge for people. So. That’s how we came up with the name and then the picture, I don’t, I don’t know, as a graphic designer, again, just like, how do you have a picture, like, what picture do you put on the front cover?

That’s going to make people go like, Oh, that looks interesting. And so, yeah, there’s a lot. I think the title, the title’s great because it’s so relatable. You know, I’m interrupting you because I was thinking about something completely different. I wasn’t listening. Sorry, you know, like, let’s be completely honest.

I don’t know what you were saying. I just sort of had a thought and I had to say it. It’s so beautiful because like we said, like take away the meaning behind it. I’m just, you know, if we could just be honest, then it’s not personal. I wasn’t interrupting you on purpose. Oh yeah. All the time. I have people like.

Oh, I have to tell you something really funny. So somebody didn’t know what I did and she said, Oh, can I see a copy of your book? So I had it, it had a bunch of things I was carrying with me. So I showed her the book. She goes, is this a book for Jewish couples?

And I was just like, well, isn’t that interesting? Not specifically. And she’s like, well, I noticed that Jewish couples interrupt each other a lot. And I said, I don’t know if that’s a stereotype or a reality, but that’s interesting because I, my book is written. Just for a global audience. And I was going to make it a little bit more specific.

We were doing some edits to it to speak to a little bit more of a Jewish audience, which has some different things that you need to be sensitive to, or some, I do, I actually see a lot of people who are religious. It’s across the board on different religions and you know, it’s just interesting to hear their take and sort of their response to, the book and the book title and you know the challenges that couples have.

So very, very interesting. I feel like God created marriage in a way that. Everybody across the board is having universal issues, but we all think we’re the only ones. It’s like, there’s so much shame around it because it’s only me and it must be something’s wrong with me. And I made the wrong decision and this is the wrong guy and I don’t know what I’m doing here and I, you know, now I feel stuck and whatever and like all this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then you go out and you hear other couples and you’re like, what? Everybody is doing this, you know, that’s right. And that was actually talking about one piece. I didn’t mention the other piece of my book, which is about stories of stories. Of course, I can’t make it a real, real couple, but I try to keep it relatable because people often come in and they’re like, you know, I know you’ve never seen this before.

And I’m thinking I’ve seen it 50 times this week. You know, I want to normalize it for people. They aren’t not only as a couple, are we having these universal challenges? Certainly people with an ADHD have some very universal challenges across the board. But I think people need to know, like, and, and there is this.

I don’t know if it’s shame, but an embarrassment you know, as an individual therapist, people would refer me all the time, Oh, Lisa’s great, you know, contact her for, you know, I did a lot of trauma work and, but couples like, no, I don’t want to tell anybody that I’m having a relationship problem. And so, you know, it can be challenging.

And then you hear about it when it’s quote unquote too late, which I don’t believe that that there is never too late. I know. I know. Yeah. I’ve had some couples remarry. Really? That’s so cute. Yeah, you, you have to make, all I’ll say about that is please get help if you decide to remarry. You really need very, very clear, whatever were the challenges there, they didn’t go away.

They will repeat themselves and make sure that you really get the help that you need to not just. Do it again the second time, because that’s what happens frequently. Yeah, no, listen, even when people get divorced and marry someone else, the problems don’t necessarily go away. You know, a lot of people are like, Oh, I’ll get a different guy and everything will be different, but like, Nope, because you know, God made.

Everyone around you, these mirrors, right? They’re all showing you what you need to work on. So if you didn’t fix it the first time, it’s just going to show itself again. Oh yes, yes. I’ve had people work with me in the first relationship. And then sometimes they’ll continue doing different individual work or whatever the case might be.

And then a year, two years, five years later, say, Oh, Lisa, can I come in? You know, I’m in a new relationship. We’re about to get married. The person not only walks in looking, I’ve had it looking like the first spouse, but the relationship issues are like you said, exactly the same.

If you didn’t work them out, they’re going to just show up again. And there they are. And we’re talking about the same thing again. So it’s so true. So true. So let’s talk about a little bit of like, you know, I, I love picking on people who are different than me. Um, I don’t work with the couple. I only work with the wife and I love that you work with the couple because we need both of us in the world.

Some couples are really happy and willing to go as a couple and it’s wonderful because then they could both get the tools, the, you know, the health, the, whatever they need. And I work with the women specifically and only the woman, because. When he’s not around, she finally gets to complain for real, like get it all out of her system and be honest about what she really wants and then she can take ownership and move towards that.

So it’s been really fascinating for me to see a lot of people have this resistance to it. Like, how can you fix anything if he’s not in the room? I’m like, no, actually it works better. Hey, that’s amazing. That’s amazing that you do this work because if they also are in couples, you know, she’s going to show up as such a stronger, I know myself.

I know what I need. I know, right? Like that work is so, so important without it. You’re trying to deal with two people that don’t know what they want, what they need, how to express themselves. So it’s. I love when people go to individual work and get some support. And like you said, they get to also just dump it.

Like they can’t do that with me because like, you know, we do right there. I mean, certainly we are going to dump things, but it’s somehow different. It’s just somehow different when it’s. It’s just one on one with you, and they can be free or open.

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you.

Just you and me for a free deep dive discovery call. This is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations with practical steps. The call is free and so valuable in itself, so go book yours today.

Now, back to the show!

 People ask me like but don’t you then think so badly of their husbands?

And I’m like, no, because I know it’s all a story, right? I have no problem, like, okay. Because at the end of the session, she herself will start laughing and be like, I can’t believe I believe that about him. You know, I can’t believe I said that or thought that. Because it’s not really Maybe it’s reality to how you see reality.

But then when you change your perspective, you’re like, Oh, okay. I can try that. This is going to work. And one of the coolest things that happens is people come to me hoping that their husbands would change. Like I just need him to change. Yeah. My, my first offer was, you know, fix your husband in 90 minutes.

It was a great offer. It was, and people got upset with me. He’s like, my husband’s not a washing machine. He doesn’t need to be fixed. But like that was what people were saying, right? I just want to fix him because he’s the problem. And, and then when, when you work with me, you know, it’s very clear. I don’t, I’m not, you know, we’re not focusing on him.

He’s got our problem. We’re going to get things. with, from, from inside. And then what happens is the husband changes and you’re like, what just happened? Why is he supportive suddenly? Why is he so nice to me? Why is he speaking differently? And it’s like, because that mirror, that reflection didn’t have to happen anymore.

You’re done. You fixed it. Move on. It’s so cool. That is so cool. That is so cool. I’m always so excited to hear that because we need more people like you doing that work because. Unfortunately, sometimes doing individual work, you know, and I’ve had people come in and they’re like, all I do is complain and now I feel worse about my partner than before I went to individual work.

Right. And so that you could imagine would be quite difficult in my office. They think it’s all his fault because it was reinforced and they didn’t do any.

Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Alright. Right, so, so it’s such a, it’s so wonderful to hear . Yeah. Your approaches is just amazing and so needed and so many women. You know why? Because I specifically work with women in business and successful careers. These are women who are. On the other side of the classic couple, right?

Like the old fashioned couple, the husband was on top, the wife was on bottom. Like she was complaining and she was trying to like, you know, like the goal was to empower her so that she could be a little bit of more of an equal. You know, sort of bring her up to his level, but the empowerment movement has created this new generation of really empowered wives that are way above their husbands in some ways, not in all ways, but the way they feel about it and then.

Empowering more is just going to create a bigger gap. And I’ve seen how, husbands are just, they’re happy with their work. They’re happy with their life. They’re doing their thing. They’re in a rhythm. They don’t see why do I need to change? Why do I need to grow? And the wife has these you know, antipansy, like, you know, make more money, grow my business, do this thing, make an impact and they’re like, why?

Yeah. So when you’re on that side of the spectrum, like you’ve worked on yourself so much to be able to create a business or to be able to really make an impact that you already know the basics of mindset work, you know, the basics of what, you know, There’s no point of blaming. You just take responsibility, you know, make your goals and go after them.

Those things work really well in the business world, but then you have to make them work with your marriage as well. So like my work is finding balance between the business and the marriage and creating that. Yeah, that really good feeling and both right and I love that idea of balance because it is sometimes hard especially Look, you know, even though she’s working full time probably or quite a bit as an entrepreneur in the business world She probably still coming home to doing quite a few things You know, that’s what we still find and you know, how do we balance and how do we ask for help?

You know, I’m sure something you probably talk to women about Yes Challenging. So, so let’s get into some practical advice about somebody who is not neurotypical ADHD, just, you know, creative, not that square routine y type of person who’s got time under their belt.

What are some really great things that. Women are listening right now. Could just implement or think about. Okay. So you’re saying if the woman, for instance, is neurodiverse, what are some things we can implement? So actually just before I jump into that, my book. It could be like 500 pages and I had to stop myself, but one of the chapters I left out I did write an article about it And I do have some sort of look over here and look over there I do want to just say that what we understand about neurodiverse women since We’re here.

I want to just put it out there since you probably have a lot of women listening. They do not look the same as the men. And sometimes women are quite shocked that, again, if they decide to get diagnosed, I didn’t realize that X, Y, and Z were signs that I was neurodiverse. I just thought it was Normal.

Right. So for instance, burnout is one of those signs because women go and they can really hyper focus and they go and they go and they go and they go and they go. And so this is not all about women and, you know, what are all the signs of neurodiversity, but I will just say that people can reach out to me.

I’m happy to send you some things if you want to provide some resources to individuals that you know, the typical classical you know, ADHD. are based on male patients. And so thinking, you know, inpatient distractible hyperactive women aren’t necessarily, there are some women that look like that.

But they don’t a good percentage of the time look like that. So I really want to make that awareness out there. I, I’m really happy you said that because that’s one of the pushbacks about labeling is like, but that’s not me. So why are you labeling me like that?

Or, you know, not all the signs fit my personality or whatever it is. It’s like, it’s fine. It’s fine. You know, realizing that. All these labels and all these scientific things, they come to bring awareness to assist in finding the differences. Just so you know, you know, you and your husband are not the same surprise, you know, but,

Yeah, but it doesn’t mean it’s there to limit you to be like, okay, now from now on, this is who you are, right? Yes, I don’t want to limit anybody and I don’t want to also suggest oh my gosh You know, like I’ve been dealing with burnout for three years. That must mean at least is saying that I have ADHD I am NOT saying that I’m just saying that there are very different signs That were really in the last few years understanding about women and I’ve had a lot of late diagnosed totally missed in school because I will say that I find that women seem just in general coping, like can cope better, but because the signs can be, you know, being that really hyper focused kid, getting those a grades was easy because there’s also not all, but many with a very high intelligence, I can do this, right?

This is not so hard. School is easy for me. But now let’s add it. a marriage and now let’s add a few kids and now it starts to show now it starts to show and we can’t keep when we’re good at keeping balls going in the air right we’re a good juggler but you now put eight balls in the air And now they start to fall and I start to see cracks in the things that before I couldn’t see.

So, I think it’s just important to notice. So, back to your question, what are some tips and tools? I think if someone’s dealing with this, it’s knowing where you’re having difficulty. Right? Because again, every individual, if they’re dealing with neurodiversity, specifically ADHD, can be on the spectrum or other things, are going to show up a little bit differently.

Right? So if you’re having a really hard time with clutter or being disorganized or, you know, Let’s just say, let’s just pick those two areas. There are tremendous resources. Again, if you go to the back of my book you can just Google it. You can go to ChatGPT. They’ll pull up 10 of them for you also.

There’s a lot of resources. So I always try to encourage people, get some resources. You don’t have to be like, you know, I’ll figure it out. You’ve been figuring it out for a really long time. I try to bring tremendous compassion. You’ve been doing it and you’ve been doing great, but it doesn’t have to be so hard.

You don’t have to be at it all by yourself feeling like going back to that idea of like just me, everybody else’s house is clean and organized. And what’s wrong with me then I’m having a hard time getting the kids out and ready for school. And Oh my gosh, where’s the homework that, you know, You’re not the only one.

And so knowing that you’re not the only one bringing some compassion and then getting resources, I do refer out for ADHD coaching again, sometimes people really need that support. Sometimes because of negative messaging of, you know, Oh, you’re such a flake. Oh, you’re, you know, out there, you know.

Dreamy land, typical things that people will say going back to narratives and stuff for ADHD women as at a younger age where it wasn’t diagnosed. Not that everybody was like that. Just again, sometimes people are labeled that way. And now there’s an impact on how they see themselves and how they you know, getting back to the interrupting, like the, the woman, the little girl, you know would be the one that just blurted out something.

Right. And they’d be like, or she learned, right? Like be quiet. Right. So, but it still would come through here and there. Right. But now as she gets more tired, as she gets more stressed, it’s harder and harder for what we know, the prefrontal cortex to put that break on and not to have things start to slip out and impact work or relationships or other things.

And so. There’s tools out there and, and to be able to use them. So whatever it might be, it might be, you know, calendar set up. If you’re really having a hard time organizing your day and your schedule, it could be getting a house cleaner. I’ve had many and they’re like, Oh, I can’t spend the money.

I’m like, but maybe, maybe, you know, this. We’ll help you. And so I just like to throw out different ideas and see what sticks and what helps and know what the worst case scenario. Try it for a month. If it doesn’t work, then okay, we’ll come back to the drawing board and say that didn’t work.

We didn’t like it for whatever reason. Let’s try something else or somebody else. So, yeah, there’s no wrong or right. The biggest problem that I see is, You don’t know what you don’t know. Yeah. Right? Yeah you hear about, Oh, you should get yourself a cleaning lady. Or why don’t you, I don’t know what, try this thing.

And it’s like, no way. That’s never going to work for me. I can’t afford it. It’s not worth it. Blah, blah, blah. Like all this stuff. And then, you know, I have this with some of my clients. We’re like, just try it, you know, let’s do it, see what happens. And then they set it up and it’s like, why did I not do this sooner?

It changed my life. My capacity is just enormous. Now, why, you know? And what I heard one of the podcasts I was listening to recently, she said, we think that like the money I pay her is equivalent to the money I pay myself for an hour. So if you make, you know, X amount per hour, and it’s more than your cleaner, then it’s worth.

You know, worth getting a cleaner, but actually it’s not like that. It’s one hour of the cleaner is going to take a week off of your shoulders because of the way that it exhausts you and drains you to have to think about and process and do and create and blah, blah, blah. It’s an entire week off of your mental load.

And it’s like, is that worth it? Is that worth it for you? Go do it. Right, because what you’re describing is that people, especially if you happen to have ADHD, is you’re procrastinating. I really don’t want a vacuum. I really don’t want to clean up that space. Right, like, oh my gosh, the mental energy it takes to clean up a space for some individuals is talk about a week, it feels like you drained my energy for the month.

I need to sit down, right? Like, so I worked for an hour to clean up that space and now I have to sit down for three. You know, when that person who comes in and cleans it up like they’re off, you know, doing their next job and So much easier. So like you said, you know, give it a try. You can always go back to the drawing boarding alone Okay, didn’t work.

Okay. Next. Let’s try something else. I always always say can you try it? Let’s figure it out. And if it doesn’t work, okay next But yeah, you tried it. You knew it worked. And like you said, the best to be that you find out, wow, this is amazing. Why didn’t I do this earlier? Right. Yeah. Great. Great. Oh, I love this conversation.

So, you know, I have a couple of resources I’m going to put out right here, just in case anybody was listening. So I have the guide to unravel overwhelm, Which should take you 20 minutes to set up and then less than 10 minutes to implement. So cool. If you get that at connectedforreal.

com slash guide. That I found is the thing that got me out of all of that land of I can’t into everything is possible is like this one shift. And it’s funny because you would think no, I need to overhaul my whole life. I need to get my act in order and my home, my laundry, my dishes, my kids, my everything, everything before I can even think about going for my dreams.

And actually it’s like, no. Pick one thing. Like that’s it. Really small. Really small. One thing. One thing. So that completely transformed my life. And so I’m giving it to other people for free is my gift to the world. Unravel your overwhelm. Go for it. So in my program, I have a bonus, like a mini series called run your business like God runs his world. And it is. basically coming at all these different skills like time management and delegation and systemizing and automation, all these things from a completely different angles.

Like, let’s just emulate God. He put in these systems for a reason. And it’s fascinating. And I have two part time management there, which is because it’s so refreshing and different. We’ve been consuming so much, sometimes noise that makes us feel worse about ourselves.

So this is extremely helpful. Oh, I think I want to do that. We got to talk afterwards. That sounds amazing. That sounds so, so nourishing. Like, you know, that that’s about nourishing ourselves and taking care and learning to. To really tune in and, and listen. And I think that’s, you know, what I, what I’m hearing and I’m sure, I’m sure that’s what you’re doing.

So I love it. Yeah, I love it too. Special. So special. Let’s get into your resources. Yeah. So what I was going to mention this is I think very helpful for having a community that like, I’m not alone in this. And so Chad, C H a D D Chad. Oh gosh, I don’t have it off the top of my head. Children and adults with ADHD or something like that.

Don’t quote me on it, but Chad runs groups. They have a great website for not only just information. But again, these different groups that they run and then add a ADDA. And again, I apologize. I should have remembered. I just, I’m so used to saying that acronym that I don’t remember what it stands for.

Maybe adults diagnosed with ADHD or something along those lines. And the thing is dot org specifically. They have a lot of information. They work together. They do a lot of conjoint programming, but they have a magazine, always the latest research, newest research, whatever has just come out. They have it.

It’s a great place that I turn to also for just Connection with the leaders in this neurodiverse world. And they also have different groups and things. So if it needs to fit into your system, there are also I’m just trying to think. There are, there are specific breakoffs, you know, if you happen to be Jewish I think in Chad, I want to say but yeah, you can certainly, you know, reach out and I’m happy to connect you to the other resources.

So there’s, I’m just thinking big. It’s extremely helpful to be part of a community, even just of, you know, just get out of, get out of yourself. It’s like the main thing is get out of your own head. You know, you’re not the only one. You’re not some like special snowflake that is holding the entire world on her shoulders because nobody else can get it and nobody will understand.

It is so relieving just to get out and meet other people and speak to them. And a lot of times, you know, like I said yesterday, I had a training and it was actually a really good training. It was called Four Steps to Guarantee Your Marriage Survives Your Success. And it was, whoa, it was so good. Anyway, I blew my own mind.

That’s how excited I am. But one of the things that came out is that like a lot of times the adult noises like the Responsible sounds that are coming out or like your parents your in laws and your husband So like all these people who know what they’re talking about and are telling you Like you cannot go after your dreams until you get your act in order right?

You cannot do the things you want until you do the things you need. But the opposite is true for people like us. It’s like I can’t do the things I have to do because I have no motivation. And if I fill myself up, then I would have the energy to do them right, right? Don’t they say there’s an expression? I don’t remember exactly how it goes, but like, you know, ask the busiest person to get something done, right?

And that’s basically what you’re saying is that, like, when We’re busy. We can even get more done. Right. And, and it’s, it’s amazing. Also busy people have the systems in place to get more done because they. Don’t have to reinvent the wheel, right? It’s like, Oh, I want something done.

Okay. How do I usually do something when I want to do it? You know, I’ve already practiced this muscle of getting things done, but if you’re trying to push somebody to do something that you don’t want to do or don’t feel like doing, and. You think this is how it should be done. Well, guess what? It’s not, not going to happen.

It’s not working. No, no. That’s gonna be pushing, getting a lot of resistance there, right? A lot of resistance. Wow. That’s great. Yeah. We want it. Yeah. So, you know, the. I’m hearing the entrepreneurs, right? The women who are in businesses and trying to create more and do more that definitely can impact the relationship, right?

How do you bring that energy maybe it’s a side point, I don’t know if this is what you’re referring to, but that if we give, if I think about marriage, like, if we give out to, like, our business or to others, You know, what do we have at the end of the day? So some people feel like they just come home depleted and they have nothing left for their relationship.

And that might be true, but sometimes we get so energized and so excited about what we’re doing or even coming back home with more to give. So, and that’s what I really want to talk about. Oh my gosh, you totally hit it. When your job depletes you. It’s usually because you’re using it as an excuse or as an escape you are unhappy at home So you might as well go do something that actually fills you But then you’re not actually being filled because you’re not doing it for the right reasons And then you’re working extra hard to pretend that you’re extra busy because you need to stay, you know out and I I see this a lot with You know, women who will stay up late because they did a webinar and then they had to send out the replay and then they went on YouTube and got lost in some like productivity thing and and then they watched this, you know, documentary and then but just like just not to go back and Be mommy, you know, I just want to stay in this energy of I am, I’m a somebody, but that’s not a healthy place, right?

That’s not going to fill you. That’s going to be very draining too. So how do we make sure that you go and do the work that you want to do and that you’re here to do, but from an ease. With flow, with alignment, you know, I’m here for you, God, help me figure it out and then go back to doing the things I really want to do.

Yeah. And then you come back to your family. You’re like, look at this. I’m so happy. Right. And, and it’s contagious. It’s contagious. So I actually say most of the women who are. You know, making it to six figures and then getting divorced or making it to a million and then breaking everything up.

Those are women who have been so resentful and squished for so many years that when they finally went for their dreams, it was like, not, not healthy. It wasn’t a good energy. It was like, I’m going to show you, I can do it. And then when they finally do it, they’re like, ha in your face. Yeah, that’s not a very good place to be.

If we want to guarantee that it’s not going to be this way, what you want to do is you want to fill yourself up and you want to lean into God’s, purpose. That he put into you right here, right? He put you here on purpose to do a purpose and When you can lean into that and really be in alignment Like there is no way that you’re going to feel the resentment and the frustration and the squishiness You’re just going to fill up and then overflow right and then you can fill your kids with all that love and all that excitement because you have what to give and But it’s not going to come from a place of depletion now.

And that’s, you know, talking about the gifts and noticing all the things that, that God has given you and to be able to really see them. I did this earlier. You were saying something different perspective. And I was like, yeah, you know, sometimes we need a new set of glasses and sometimes our brains are wired in such a way that we don’t have a tendency to look for the positive in ourselves and sometimes even others.

And how do we slow that down and notice and change? Sometimes we need to change our glasses, different set of glasses and really be able to, I think we need to start with ourselves and be able to notice the gifts and all the strengths and all the wonderful things he’s given us. And of course, you know, there’s some challenges that we have, but then to be able to say, okay, and now what do I want to do and how do I share those and how do I, you know, emanate and, and light up my home and then the world with that.

So, yeah. Yeah. I think, you know, pulling it all together for women who have ADHD or any other type of label or non label. Feeling like they have to, like, you’re supposed to be a mother and wife. This is supposed to fulfill you. This is supposed to make you feel excited. And it’s like, but it doesn’t, it makes me feel very small and very squished.

And then it’s the story about the story. It’s like, I’m supposed to be happy and I’m not happy. I’m supposed to, you know, and so really giving yourself. the permission to realize that, hey, my gift is to multitask. My gift is to go after a lot of things and I don’t have to be limited just because I’m a mother and wife.

I could do other things and it will actually fill, you know, they’ll work together so beautifully if I can figure it out, if I can do it right.

Beautiful. Yes, we are going to. Work on, on seeing those gifts and being able to not allow all these labels and limitations from whether it’s inside or outside, be able to, to break out of those break free. So, Oh, I love how you did that. Break free. Open your hands, open it up, allow yourself to see that.

That’s really what God wants us to do is to break free from the chains and all the things that bind us and just hold us down, right? Like it’s just. Yeah. Okay. So just so everybody knows, we’re going to have the link to your book in the show notes and everywhere, you know, you, everywhere you look. So feel free to click on that.

Your book is so beautiful, so well designed, so well written, and it’s easy to consume, which I think is phenomenal. I’m very blessed. Yeah, thank you for doing this work. I’m very happy I have someone to refer to when it comes to couples because you know There is always some people who want to do things together and this is great And I have someone that I know because I definitely need to Find some people, like you said, you know, that really want to help support, uplift and really bring out that, that, that woman to, to be her best self and, and to bring that into her relationship.

And that’s, I’m so blessed to connect. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Any, any last words? Where can people find you? Sure, sure. So I think the easiest way to find me is Counselor for Couples, Counselor for, not the number four, but F O R Counselor for Couples dot com. My name, Lisa Rabinowitz. I’ll give, I guess maybe just quickly my email address, Lisa R, so my first name with my last initial at T, the letter T, securemail.

com. Maybe we can put that in there too. But that’s on my website also. And Yeah, love, love to connect, love to connect. And that sounds amazing. Thank you so much for being my guest. Thank you for having this open conversation and really helping our listeners feel really good about where they are and you know exactly how they are.

So that they don’t have to feel like there’s something wrong with them, but more like, let’s work with what I have. This is, has been a really helpful conversation and thank you for coming and thank you for listening. Make sure you come back for more amazing episodes. Don’t forget to be connected for real.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.