Transcript:

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the connected for real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, I’m a marriage coach for women in business and successful careers. And I am here today with Julie Devorah Brown, which is so exciting. Am I allowed to tell them that you’re Peggy’s mom? Please. It gives me such pleasure.

So, we had Fagy Pollock just a couple of episodes ago, and she brought up something so powerful about love that I thought we had to get into deeper, and I asked her, who is an expert at this? And she said, my mom. So here we are, we are talking today about love and you, you guys know that we have four pillars in the work that I do because I work in the intersection between business and marriage or success and marriage.

I found that there are actually four pillars that we need to address in order to have that flow and that success god is at the core Marriage and business have to work together and then you are the container that holds all of that so We cannot ignore you or god when we’re talking about marriage and business and therefore we have four pillars and Because I get to have fun with my podcast, cause it’s my podcast.

I decided to put it into a structure of four pillars for every topic. So every month we have a different topic and we attack it from different angles with different. Guests and one of the coolest things is that now we’re going into the second year of this structure. So if you go back to any of the episodes in 2024, you will find that we talked about money and food and all sorts of amazing things.

And this year we’re going into topics that are even deeper and more interesting for me, I think because I had to get more creative. I couldn’t repeat anything, right? So we’re talking first. About love, and we addressed love and God, we addressed love and marriage, we addressed love and business, and now we are finally at the fourth pillar, and we’re talking about love and you, and I talked a lot for, you know, an introduction, I want Julie Dvora to first introduce herself, and then we’re going to talk about why this is so exciting.

So first of all, it’s so nice to be here with you. It’s a pleasure to meet all of the people that you are able to talk to. That’s really very special to be on the podcast. What can I say? Julie Devora Brown. That’s my name. You know, my father used to always say, you can call me anything you want. Don’t call me late for supper.

Okay. So what is this? I am a 63 year old, almost 63 year old woman. I’m blessed with generations after us. Thank God. And around 2008 or nine is when actually Fagy Pollack was one of the, you know, even earlier, more like 2005 or six, maybe, or seven. She’s the one, as my daughter said, mom, you got to get out.

Your youngest son is not a baby anymore, and you’re not busy doing that anymore. So why don’t you get out? And she was the one that got me to get out of the house and out into meeting other adults. So that has continued. And I have Become a therapist, a practitioner and a kala teacher. I help teach brides before they get married to help them start out on the right foot, to help make them ripe and ready to be a wife so I’ve been doing that for many, many years now.

And I am just so happy to be here with you because really one of the things that I try to impress upon the women that I work with is knowing themselves, accepting themselves, loving themselves and their relationship with Whether it’s themself, with God, and with others, which the husband is usually the main others that we’re talking about, and that’s really what I try to do, and that’s why I’m here to hopefully help you out and share things with you.

Oh, this is beautiful. So, you know, I love it that you say, help me out because my, you know, thing is helping others. And that’s the whole reason we have a podcast, like there are listeners. And so you’re coming to help me out to help them out. This is really fun. Right. So let me tell you why I am so excited about this because Fagy Pollack, your daughter spoke about how.

We invest in people and then we put ourselves in them. Like we give a part of ourselves into that person. So we’re investing in our children. We put so much into them that, you know, we look at them. It’s they’re part of us. I mean, and they are physically part of us, but you know, you help others and suddenly you have a part of you in them and that’s the part that you love.

So. If you don’t love yourself, then we have a problem. And that triggered a bunch of thoughts and things and made me ask Faigy, after we were finished. Who would be the best person to speak about loving yourself? Because as much as we can distract ourselves with talking about business, with talking about marriage, with talking about external things at the end of the day, if I’m not able to be with me, then life is going to be very, very difficult.

And a lot of us are afraid to face that, you know, so we hide behind screens and you know I’m vegging and I just have to be and leave me alone and whatever but really it’s an escape because It’s hard to be with yourself and to love yourself and especially with all of the things you don’t like about yourself so Let’s start there and see where it takes us.

So it’s very important when we learn that a person is meant to Love others the way they love themself. It’s exactly what you’re saying But what if I don’t like myself and there’s so much of that in our generation or the generation before Whether it’s depression or all these different things.

I don’t like myself So, how is it that I can like somebody else if I don’t like myself. I’ll put it this way. I really can’t love another person if I don’t love myself. That’s the bottom line. It’s all one big fake. It’s, it’s people pleasing or whatever it is out of fear, whatever. So if I can find that part of me that I love and what I want to tell all of you to understand this, you don’t have to love yourself.

There is something innate, something natural that you have within you that is lovable You are here still. God has created you. He chose to put you on this earth. You have a core within you that is lovable. What I want you to do as a woman is to find that within you. It might mean looking in the mirror and saying, Julie DeVorah.

You’re lovable. Yeah, right. No, no, you’re really lovable. Like you might have to convince yourself, but I want you to find somewhere within you to believe that the part of you that is God, the godly part of you that is within you, you know, IFS, they call it the self, right? Whatever it is, it’s inside of you.

You are just connected to God. It is a lovable, it is a pure, it is a, it is, right? Right. Amen. We have these different things disturbing us today. That’s good. Yeah, it’s wonderful. You know why? You know why? Because this is a core, this is a core. So there’s going to be a lot of resistance. There’s going to be a lot of resistance in having you connect with the true you because your ego, okay?

The alternative self doesn’t want you to connect with that. It thinks you’re going to be great because you’re pretty, because you’re famous, because you’re the best mother in the world, whatever it might be. What you. In your source, within you, you are pure and lovable. Now we have to work on that. So that’s what I like to work with women.

I like to help them get to a point where they realize that they can come to accept themselves, embrace themselves, eventually love themselves. What you were saying with Fagie Pollock. Is a beautiful concept when I invest in something, I invest in something part of me is there and because I am totally connected.

Now it’s another aspect. We’re saying here the word you deal, which is knowledge is also referred to as a connection between a husband and a wife. It’s a knowing. It’s also a knowing with the Kaddish Baruch Hu. We can’t know God intellectually, but we can connect with the Kaddish Baruch Hu. So this idea of knowing, when you invest in another person, you find yourself in that other person, the relationship, whatever it is you’re working with.

There’s a knowing there. Just like I’m connected to myself. How do you know you’re Julie Devora Brown? Come on, prove to me that you’re Julie Devora Brown. How do you know that you’re Julie? Come on, I know who I am. I am. I’m me. So the same thing when I connect with another person, I invest time, energy, whatever it might be, in something else.

Because I find myself in it, therefore I am connected because I know myself, so I’ll know that part of me that’s in there. And that’s love. That is love. Love is not a state. Love is an action. It’s a verb. So the more that I give, the more that I donate, the more that I volunteer, the more that I share myself with, then the result is going to be love because that is the act of love.

So I need to do it to myself. Hello, girls. It’s not just with everybody else. I need to do it to myself as well. So yeah, sometimes you gotta look in the mirror and you gotta say, Julie Devara, you’re special. You’re really special. Or Julie Devara, you’re pretty. You’re really pretty, Julie Devara. I might need to cultivate that in myself to remind myself that that’s really who I am and what I am and what I’m here for.

And only then, from there, can I actually have relationships with other people. Otherwise, it’s cheaper. It’s more shallow. That’s so far what I can share with you about that. I’m ready for another prompt. Get me going. Let’s go. There you go. Okay, so I’ll tell you what comes up for me.

I love that you’re saying that love is not a feeling. It’s not like, oh, but I just don’t love him. Okay, so go love him. You know, it’s a verb. It’s going and investing and finding out what they need and being there for them and listening and getting out of yourself and being able to just fully be with someone else.

And I think if that’s what love really means. Then turning it around to ourselves makes it a little bit easier because then we don’t think it’s this like weird, fuzzy, up there, fluff thing that we’re supposed to feel but don’t feel, it’s an action that we can just take. And I say just very lightly here because it’s not just, but I’m thinking, Hey, listen, sitting down and cutting your own nails and making sure that you’re taking care of yourself is self love, you know, and we don’t have to look very far being able to just take a shower, brush your teeth, take care of yourself, take action, is self love.

And sometimes people say, I just don’t love myself or I don’t, you know, just like they say, I just don’t love them. It’s sometimes because we don’t get it. We don’t really fully understand what love looks like or feels like, or is. And when we can bring it down through. Actions like, Oh, look at that.

You’re actually do love yourself. Yes. So I’m going to interject if you don’t mind, there’s action in love, but we as women, how we’re created, you know energetically and physically the fact that we are receivers, recipients, that is also love. That is also love. Learning to be a person that knows how to embrace, allow Make room for that is also an act of love.

I’m not doing anything. It looks like I’m not doing anything. I’m doing a lot when I can receive from another person when I can be present. That’s also an act of love to myself or to another person. So just I didn’t want to get turned off. Yes, it’s acts of love, but many times one of the hardest acts is to accept.

But that’s it is an accident, but it doesn’t look like it. Right I speak about receiving as the female superpower, right? But I, I see receiving as an action. And I think that’s why you had to make that clear because sometimes, sometimes I’m so in myself that I don’t see the way other people see it.

And I’m happy you brought that up. Being a listener. You know, when are you actually a good listener when you are an active listener, where you are taking the presence to be listening, not just there and that’s the active part. I think what we’re talking about is being intentional being conscious of what you’re doing and Receiving consciously is a real gift.

There you go. It’s a real gift. It’s one of the biggest gifts What I’m only taking But I haven’t, I can’t give the other person, the husband, what does he want from me? There’s nothing I can do for him. He’s, you know, he just gives, gives, gives. But what is that? No, that’s exactly what it is. Whether it’s the intimate relationship or on a day to day relationship, he wants to buy you presents.

Yeah. But I really don’t need that or really it’s expensive or he doesn’t receive, learn to receive, you know, many times when people say surrender. Surrender. They think it’s like, you know, of course it’s hard, but they don’t look at it like it’s something that I’m doing. But surrendering takes a lot of courage and it is an act as well.

I like that we’re honing in on this. All these are acts. Even if it doesn’t look like I’m doing something, I’m just sitting back and receiving or sitting back and surrendering. That’s an act. My husband used to say this a lot. He says it’s a lot. There’s you. Giving in when you give in it’s kind of like okay take the candy already I don’t want to hear you cry anymore, and you give in but then there’s giving in giving in as an act I am choosing right now in my mind.

I’m choosing right now to give my three year old this candy He had a temper tantrum, and I’m giving him the candy the child knows if I gave in Cause then he manipulated me and he’s taking from me and I’m the weak one and he seems to be the strong one, which is very unhealthy or I’m giving in. I know I told him he couldn’t have chocolate, but I changed my mind.

So I’m still the parent here. The child is still the child and he got what he wanted, but that’s okay cause I gave it to him. So the word give is very important here. Oh, I love that you make that distinction. I love that distinction so much. Because it brings back the power to, to the action, to, to really the intention, what we just said before, that you can do the exact same thing with a different intention and the energy is different and the result is different because of the intention in the action.

That’s right. Right. So you can receive and be like, fine, whatever, you know, he, he keeps bringing me gifts and I can’t stand it, but I’m going to just shove it, shove it, shove it into the, you know, closet or whatever, and not receive it gracefully, or I can. You know, it brings me back to the five love languages.

Do you know the five love languages? There is, there is a great video on YouTube. You guys go check it out. The five love languages and our relationship with Hashem. This is a very old video that I created maybe four or five years ago. When I learned the five love languages for the first time I wanted to see how they relate to God as well, and it’s a beautiful video.

It’s a beautiful video and when you said, you know, my husband just gives me gifts and I don’t know what to do with them. It’s just because that’s not your language, but it’s his language and you get to learn a new language, you know, so it pushes us out of our comfort zone to learn a new language.

But there’s something really important in the five love languages that I feel is really important to also bring in. Not only do you get to learn a new language, and he gets to learn a new language because you have to expand yourself and, you know, learn. But you also have the responsibility to speak your own language with yourself.

When you become aware that your need is, let’s say, words of affirmation, or your need is touch, or your need is whatever it is, right? There’s five different ways, and you can have any combination, then your responsibility is to feed that to yourself, not to wait for it to be given to you, because Beautiful.

I love this. I love this. This is something that I didn’t hear anyone speak about. When, when speaking about the five love languages, it’s always, Okay, so now go! No, go! Learn Chinese! Let’s see you! You know what they do, they do. Like he just did that to my mind. That’s brilliant. Brilliant! Brilliant. Right? And, and then it’s like, oh, I can actually say positive things to myself.

I don’t need to wait for him to tell me how good of a wife I am, or to, you know, press this button or that button to make me feel worthy. Wow, what happens now, ? It’s awesome. It’s awesome. I like to say when I’m teaching my students in a relationship, a husband and wife relationship, we need to be too.

Basically healthy people that are basically independent. And then you guys can lean on each other. You can help each other. Right. But if not, then there’s like one pulling the other down, just trying to survive. That’s not healthy. You should both be able to do this. And then, you know, intertwine, help each other.

So yes, it’s important for me to get to a point where I’m at a good place with myself. I like to use the word stable. Don’t you think you could take that with a grain of salt? But like I’m stable, I feel stability in my own skin. Then I’m more present in my relationship with whoever else we’re talking about.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Again, be kind to yourself. Are you talking about speaking to yourself? If I would hear how I would speak to myself, would I do that to other people? I would never talk like that to another person. So I have to be careful. I should hear inside of my head a voice that talks to me at least as kindly as I would speak to somebody else.

At least that. I deserve that. Yeah, but there is a voice inside that throws you for a loop. And I know everybody has this, right? Like you said, look at yourself in the mirror and say, You are lovable. I am lovable. And the first thing Yeah, right. Well, they don’t know all this other stuff I’m hiding.

And you know. Nice. There are parts, and this brings me to another thing I really wanted to talk about. There are parts. of ourselves that we don’t like. There are parts of ourselves that sometimes we even hate and I love her. One second, I got to stop. One of my children, I was, I’m blessed with, thank God, a bunch of kids and one of my children as when he was nursing, I don’t like my double chin.

Okay. I just do whatever. Okay. Cute. Whatever. He would sit and nurse and this is what he would do. A little baby would do this. I say, okay, God, I guess I needed to have a double chin. Okay, I’ll accept it. To come to see things differently, talking about parts. I cut you off. I’m sorry. But to see things differently it’s reframing, it’s reframing.

That’s one thing. And also talking about parts. Yeah, there are voices in my head that are not so kind. And I have to be able to, Here, who is that speaking to me? What part of me is talking? And why do I need that voice? And that’s, you know, if anybody’s familiar with different kinds of things, internal family systems, the shadow, parts, young, all these different things.

Yeah, what is that there for? I don’t believe. I’m so strong in this. There is no way a Kadesh Baruch Hu put me in this world for me to cause my self suffering. Things hurt. And there’s a lot of pain. Don’t we all know it? Past year and a half. Don’t we all know what’s going on? History. Jewish history. Ad Masi.

How long do we have to continue this gullis that we’re in this exile that we’re in? The same time, it’s very important to believe that we’re not meant to be suffering. And much of my suffering is my take on it. How I see things. So I, okay, this is very typical, okay, very cliche.

Is your cup of water half full or half empty? Please, Julie DeVara Brown, how many, you know, are Yeah, but it’s true. How am I going to look at my life? Am I going to look at the things that bog me down and bring me down and depress me and aggravate me and fear me? Or I’m going to look at some of the things.

There, there. I respect the fact that my cup is half empty. I acknowledge that. But it’s also half full. So am I going to concentrate on what’s half full as well? So when I hear those voices, I have to be able to say, number one, am I being kind? That means what kind of language am I using? Oh, are you a jerk?

I don’t have to talk like that to myself. I can say, Julie, you messed up. You said you were going to do something and you didn’t. Do you hear the difference? How I talk to myself? What I say is very, very important to take it and hear it, but don’t be too harsh on myself. And at the same time, to remember that there’s another way of looking at it.

I don’t have to look at it with Let’s put on a different set of glasses, right? You know, it doesn’t have to look like that. That’s the reframing, and that’s the being kind. I think the bottom line here, I think we can sum it up. Learn to be kind. Start with yourself, okay? And yeah, what can I say?

I was talking to a client just now, and my identity, what is my identity? Is my identity, I’m, You know, a fat, overweight person. Or as my identity, I’m a person that, you know, loves food and finds it difficult to have self discipline, but I care about health. What do I want to say about myself? So I’m a person now that I go for a walk every morning for about 40 minutes.

That’s the new me. It didn’t used to be me. Oh, I can’t do it. I can’t get up. I’m too tired. No, I go out every morning for a walk. Girls, I don’t go out every morning for a walk. I mean, there are plenty of mornings that I just don’t get up in time. But I hold this identity of being a woman that every morning goes out for a walk.

I think that’s important for us what kind of identity do I want to claim? I want to claim that, excuse the word, but I’m a jerk. No, I don’t want to claim that as my identity. I’m going to claim that I’m a growing person, that I desire good, that I am passionate, that I’m sensual. So I love to eat and it’s delicious.

That’s, that’s one thing that I want to share about loving yourself is be kind. Think about the words you’re using. Pay attention to what you’re saying. Don’t poo poo it. Oh, it’s nothing important. Yes, it is. But who’s saying it? Why are they saying it? And can you be a little bit kinder about how you’re saying it?

And can you reframe things? That sums it up. You know, we can flesh that out, but that sums up a lot. Let me tell you what came up for me when you said, Which set of glasses are you wearing? My oldest daughter, she said, she’s having a hard time seeing in class and she needs to sit in the front and whatever.

So the teacher was telling me I need to get her glasses. And we went to the doctor and he said, she doesn’t need glasses. And so, okay, whatever. And a year went by and she’s really struggling and she’s telling me I can’t see the board I need to look at the girl next to me what she’s writing and then I’m copying from her and you know It was very strange to me and eventually after like a year of pushing it away and pushing it away I took her to the glasses place where they checked her site and said yeah, she has a really high number and So, you know, I blame stress being in middle school and being annoyed and trying to not see, but also want to see there is a big conflict there.

But physically she did not see very well. So we got her glasses and two days later, the glasses arrived and we went to pick them up. When she put on the glasses, she looked down at the floor and said, Oh, there are lines between the balatot, the, the, the tiles. There are lines between the tiles. And I thought really that’s how bad like she couldn’t tell and of course, you know, let’s put aside all of the guilt and guilt I thought I took care of it, but apparently not But you know, we’ll, we’ll excuse that because I’m very good.

I have gotten very good at forgiving myself. So that aside, and thank God she is now alive and well, and is able to see and has gotten glasses every year since. And, you know, she’s well taken care of. But in that moment, I thought to myself, wow, some people tell you to put on pink glasses so you can see good.

Sometimes all you need is just glasses. Forget the pink, forget the pink, you just don’t see detail. You just don’t see the good. You don’t see what they’re actually doing because it’s the little things that they’re doing that you’re missing out on. And you just see this big blob, like you said, this identity that you’ve stuck on this other person and you’ve decided that this is who they are.

And so you don’t really take the time to notice the little things that are shifting or the little things that they’re doing. Beautiful metaphor. Mm hmm. Beautifully said. Really, really something. To see it like it really, really is. And I want to remind you what, again, I’m sure your, group of people are totally like this.

When you have something and there’s people sitting around, everybody sees it from a different vantage point. So there’s always, there’s always another way to see something. There’s always another angle you can decide to look at. And like I said, it doesn’t have to be pink glasses, positive Pollyanna, which is a nice thing, but it’s not always so true.

But yeah, to see it for what it really is, but also not too harsh. Some people are very realistic and they see it for what it is, but they’re very, very harsh. Rather than seeing it for what it is without the judgment, without it being harsh, no Pollyanna and not too harsh. That’s for sure. I love that you said no judgment.

The judgment is a big thing, right? Like I had to actually give a disclaimer. I had all the mom shame and guilt, right? Because that judgment is the first thing that comes up is like, yo, people, did you hear that? She totally neglected her kid. So can we? Take a moment to recognize that it is there, but also to put it aside and be willing to move past and see it as part of the bigger picture.

I think that’s the point. That’s the point. When I tell you some of us hate parts of ourselves. The point that I want to get to is that it’s just a part. Yes, it’s just a part. And if you’re able to see this part as part of the big whole, you’re going to have a much easier time loving. What is even with all the little parts that aren’t perfect?

Right, right, right in cycles. There’s cycles in life. We women know that we’re like the moon but in life There’s cycles for everybody. So it’s important for me for you to remember that sometimes How can I say it? sometimes the ingrown toenail bothers me more than other times.

Now it’s bugging me, but maybe in a week or two it won’t bug me as much. I don’t, an ingrown toenail is not a good example, but sometimes the things bother me more than, than they need to be bothering me, and that’s okay. Right now, this really is important for me, and it’s bothering me, and it’s making me down.

But remember that it’s not going to be forever. You know, this too shall pass. I like to say that some mornings the child spills the milk when he’s making himself cereal and you blow a gut, okay? The pressure is on and there’s yelling and there’s screaming and the same thing can happen tomorrow morning and you’re all, oh my goodness, here honey, here’s a, a, a, you know, please wipe it up.

It’s the same act, the same milk, the same time of day. How come sometimes you can handle it and sometimes you can’t? Because we’re human and there’s cycles in life. Whether it’s a day to day, week to week, or month to month. So, it’s bad, but it’s not THAT bad. In other words, what I need to say, like, remember, look at something and say how horrible it is, but it’s not THAT horrible, because things are going to always be changing.

We can’t stay in bliss. For an extended period of time, we surely can’t stay in the muck for an extended period of time unless we’re feeding it. We don’t need to feed what keeps us in the gunk. I love it though, if you can feed The mud and stay there longer than you need to then you can also feed the bliss and stay there Longer than you need to yes, it’s close to the bliss.

Yes But yes, you can elongate you can stay there that much longer instead of having it so fast can also bask in the pleasure of the bliss, whatever it is anybody’s thinking of right now in your heads, you can also bask in the pleasure of it and say like, wow, you can let it spill over in the rest of your, you know, week day life.

  Hey! Before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, for a free deep dive discovery call.

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  I’m going to go back into your example there of the kid that spills the milk. And for me. You know, you said what changed between yesterday at 7 30 in the morning and today, 7 30 in the morning, same exact time, same exact situation, same kid, right? Cause sometimes it’s different kids like turn different.

So same everything except what changed. is me. And that is exactly why we’re talking about this specific topic. What did you do for yourself that prepared you for that moment? And what can you do intentionally to prepare you for the next moment? Beautifully said. Yes. We have to. To try to solve the problem right here, right now, sometimes we can’t.

It’s like we’re too far in. We’re down the slide already. What we need to do is, before we even climb the ladder, we already have to say, Okay, I know it’s going to happen. This is typical. This is, you know, little, this little boy of ours, this is how he is. Every morning at 7. 30, so what can I do? Well, maybe I need to go to sleep a little bit earlier.

Maybe I need to put a placemat there. Maybe I should have milk in a smaller container, not in the big ones. He can just pour one cup into his bowl. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. So if I, before it even happens, cause I know something’s going to happen. What am I playing? Technical, very technical, just a technical thing.

If I can deal with the technicalities, it’s going to make it much easier. That’s, you have to, I mean, it helps you if you do plan ahead. But again, is it me? I didn’t sleep enough. Is it me? I’m nervous about what’s going to happen today. Is it me? I don’t want the headache of having to get this kid to school later.

Or is it something technical? Why don’t I just make it easier for the child so that this shouldn’t happen again? Yes, it’s planning. Definitely, if you’re able to, it’s planning. That’s an important thing to do. That’s a gift you’re giving yourself. It’s self love. And by the way, this is why some of us are not good at planning because we don’t believe that we deserve it, or we have a hard time helping ourselves.

Like, you know, a lot of the beautiful things that happen when you optimize a business or when you create systems and flow and really make life better is you. Do things now for your future self to be better off. But if you can’t give yourself permission to do that, then you end up self sabotaging and there’s There’s a reason for that.

There’s something behind that. And so people are like, I just can’t, I plan and I never do it. And this is the reason. You don’t do it because you don’t let yourself love yourself. Why? Why do we do that, Julie, Dvora, why? There’s a lot. Every person has to go into themselves and say, what is it about me that is willing to be miserable the way I am rather than be miserable long enough to change. In other words, I’m not going to change. I can’t change. I’m not able to change. I’m too busy to change. I’m not. So I’m going to stay like I am miserable rather than push through. Those difficult moments of making a decision to have either a new identity. I am a person that knows how to go to bed early at night, or I know I am a person that can plan, but that’s so uncomfortable and it’s so scary and I might fail.

And I don’t know if I can keep up the pressure. So I’m better off saying where I am within my comfort zone. Miserable, rather than the fear of the miserable that I might experience if I actually expand. That’s a decision each person has to make. I mean, you work with women. I work with women. And plenty of the people that are listening now probably also are either parents or coaches or therapists.

That’s what we want to help people do. We want to help people reframe and see things differently and show them, I am so miserable where I am, but I’m comfortable. Tell me to be uncomfortable. That’s something that I can’t even go to. I’m too afraid. So the fear of going out of my comfort zone is what keeps me nice and cozy in my misery.

That’s how I look at it. Please. I’d like to, I once told someone, Oh, you’re sitting in comfort zone. And he’s like, it’s not comfortable. I’m like, yeah, no, nobody said comfort zone was comfortable. We’re just saying you’re nice and comfy and being miserable. So I love that you said this. This is very, very interesting.

And I want to add that this is the reason why. We hire coaches, why we lean on each other. And I love how you did that with your hands for the people listening. I’m going to tell you what she did because it was so powerful. If each one of us can hold our hands. Straight, right Stand, like the palm palms of our hand.

Stand alone standing alone. Each one’s standing alone. Then when you lean on each other, then you are interacting in such a beautiful way and you’re able to even interact and do this dance where each one is very grounded and very strong. And if not, then we’re like draggy. Right dragging the other person down trying to push them down but not on purpose just because we don’t have enough strength, right?

I remember when my grandmother was fainting She suddenly became very limp and she was pulling everybody who was holding her down with her until this very strong guy came and like Lifted all of us up. It was so beautiful to just be in that moment realizing like you can help someone When they’re holding themselves up, right?

I can help her. I could put my hand I can help her walk But as soon as she’s not there holding herself I’m not strong enough to hold the whole person. Right? And so that’s that was really beautiful. And now I want to talk about that self, not so much from a marriage perspective, but from a, how do I help myself perspective even if I’m helping other people notice this, even when I’m helping other people to help myself, I need to find someone else who is strong in themselves and is able to help me strengthen myself.

Really assist me and finding my balance so that I can now help other people with more grace and with the ability to contain. So I have my coaches, I have my mentors, I have people that I lean on so that I can do the work I do for others. And you pick that up, you pick up who is, you know, grabby and needy and who is able to help you and really guide you.

Exactly. Yes. They say that a person who is a therapist has to also be a client. Also, they say that if you want to go sell products, let’s say, are you yourself willing to buy products? How can I even believe within me? If I’m a freebie person, everything’s free. So how can I somewhere deep within me believe and have the audacity to ask somebody else to buy into my product if I myself am not willing to open up my own person by somebody else’s product when I’m in that energy that it makes more sense.

The same thing if I’m a coach, but I don’t have somebody that I go to, then it’s going to show up. Like you said, it’s going to show up in the interaction with my clients. Then I’m missing something because if I’m not also turning to somebody, a mentor of some sort, that’s important. So again, going back to me and love for me.

I like to talk to a Kurdish Baruch. I like to talk to God as much as I can. I set my timer and if I’m able to every hour it goes ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And everybody’s like looking at me like, mom, what’s going on? How come these ding, ding, dings? Is somebody calling you? No, no. It’s a timer for a split second.

Let go and let God. I said, Hashem, I need you. This is too big for me. You’ve got to help me figure this out because I’ve there’s so many things in my life that I just, whether it’s laziness, whether it’s a fear, whether it’s self indulgence, whether it’s what is it called? You said it before self sabotage Hashem.

Whoa. You know, please, please, you gotta help me with this one. So on a humble way to turn to somebody bigger and greater than myself or my therapist or my coach or my friend or my husband or whatever it might be. It’s always and it’s not or. Okay, when you have God in your life, there is no or, beautiful, beautiful.

Right? Even when I am working with my coach, even when I am turning to my mentor is always with God there. It’s always with. This is what I spoke to God about and this is what came up and I want to hear what you think because I don’t know how to read it. I don’t know how to understand it. I don’t know how to listen.

Right. Maybe I’m hearing something that I’m not sure about, but it’s never, okay. I heard what God has to say. Now I’m going to go hear what my therapist has to say. I’ll decide which one’s right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. I love that you said this. This is a story that came up a couple of years ago.

I was in a class and Somebody said we were learning. I don’t remember what we were learning and somebody said something about putting in a once a day timer that said God is right here, right now, just a reminder, not even turn to God, not even anything, just reminder that God is right here, right now. And so somebody from across the table.

points to me and says, Batren, you put it in your phone right now. Like, why did you pick me out of all the people in the room? And why did you say it that way and not like, let’s all do it, or who’s with me? Like, no, it’s like, go put it on your phone right now. So I right away put it on my phone. And, you know, there’s a way to like turn on or off snooze.

So I left it on because I figured, I don’t know, I don’t know what this experiment is going to bring. Anyway, I came home from the class and I started making cookies. And the timer goes off. Right as my machine breaks and I’m like, okay, that is right here right now.

This must be a reminder that this machine broke on purpose and I snoozed it and I started taking out the cookie dough from the machine and, you know, starting to do by hand. I don’t know what I was doing. Don’t ask me. I don’t use machines anymore these days. I just do things simple and quick, but in that time I was really thinking I’m going to do something anyway.

I start doing and it starts getting like sticky and it’s not working out and something or rather, and suddenly, you know, the snooze button, the thing goes on again and I’m like, how quickly did I forget, how quickly did I forget? Oh my gosh. It’s so funny. Like you’re like, yeah, I’m totally aligned. And then a second later you fall apart completely and then you’re reminded again.

And so I kept snoozing it that whole day. It was nine minute intervals of God awareness in my life. Yes. I went back to the group and I told them like, you don’t know, everybody here should do this at least just one time in your life. Wow. One time. The synchronicity is probably awesome when it, when it shows up exactly.

God wants you to hear it exactly then. Yeah. Yes. And. You know, a lot of people say, do this consistently every day for the rest of your life. I am telling you, do this once. Once. You don’t even have to press snooze. Do it once. Just on a random time, put it randomly. Just go whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. You know, God is here.

And let it ring whenever. Today. Sometimes. In the next day. And you’ll see the most. Mind blowing things. When you’re open to it. When you’re open to it. Again, I’m going to add, when you’re open to it. Hopefully, I will be humble enough to be open to it. I’ll feel safe enough to be humble enough to have the courage to be open to it.

That was a mouthful. You just made that so complicated. I’m thinking, you’re just stupid, people! Because you know why I’m talking, I’m talking to those people that in their mind, they’re already thinking about all the reasons why it’s not going to work for me or has never worked for me or how is that going to help me?

So that’s why I use the word humility and courage. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about the real I have my call method. You guys can listen to it. I will actually, you know, I can even say it for you, but I know that you have a method too.

Yes, I have pillars. Like what you said. I have pillars basically. Yeah. Let’s Be Real. When anybody goes to my website, www. juliedevorahbrown. com, nice and simple, you’ll see my little insignia, it’s Let’s Be Real. I love that. What the REAL stands for, it’s an acronym. For R, for being response able, that’s your free will.

Learning how to respond in life. The E is the word example, which means you can use your imagination to imagine the kind of person you’d like to be. Because you are modeling. People are, are, are copying you nonetheless. So, how do you want people to model you? A is for allowing. That’s using your self awareness.

To realize, like we were saying, that you can step back and you can observe. You can allow life to unfold around you and through you. And L is for loyal. Don’t forget your conscience. We all have a conscience, that belief that there is part of us that knows what’s right and what’s wrong. We have the Torah to teach us.

We know, we feel that it feels right or it feels wrong to be loyal to those things that we want. to be loyal to in our lives. And I love that it says, let’s be real. The be is before. We have to learn how to be. So the R E A L is perhaps how it shows up in my life. But I first have to, like you say, let’s be connected.

So let’s, to ourselves, let’s be, let’s learn what it means to be present. Be present. Meaning, okay, what does that mean? Woo hoo, woo hoo, present. Why don’t you just be a non judgmental observer of the moment that you’re in right now? You may not be able to do it that often. I can’t do it that often, but I try.

Even if it’s just a feeling, a desire I have an addiction I’m on, or self indulgence, or like we were saying, self sabotage, or body sensations, nervousness, or anger, or fear. So just notice it. Learn to be an observer. That’s one way of being and another is just pay attention to how you’re breathing right here, right now.

It is so healing. Everybody listen to me, curls. It is so, people, it is so healing when we can just get out of our thought process. That’s very important. I’m not negating thinking. Thank goodness we’re thinking people. But get out of the loop, those negative thought loops, and just pay attention to just Okay, for a minute I’m just breathing.

Okay, for a minute I’m just noticing what’s happening in my body right now. And then move on. Then move on and go about your business. But giving yourself that break every once in a while is very healing. Very calming, very healing, very empowering. Very connecting. Once again, connecting. I love that. You don’t even know that the podcast episode Right before yours is all about being and, you know, we talk about business from, from the perspective of being versus doing.

And I love how all these things work so well and I don’t even have to do anything. Obviously I am recording podcasts and having guests and doing the things I’m doing, but you see the difference between controlling it versus just doing it. I work for God. Oh, and he knows, he knows how to do it so well.

It’s so wonderful. Oh, I love it. You know, one of the coolest synchronicities, like you call it, is that my business is called Connected For Real and yours is Let’s Be Real. And there is something very real about the real, right it’s getting away from the way it looks, the way it should be, the way it’s supposed to be.

That’s right. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. And just being in reality, in authenticity, in the way that I really am without trying to change it and force it and control it. Yes. And that’s when things start to shift. And it’s very funny because. You know, as soon as you want to control it, then it doesn’t change. When you let go and stop trying to control it, it starts to change.

Right, right. So you’re like, Oh, I could change it. And then you start getting all grabby again. So we’re constantly that’s the trap. It’s like when a person believes that they can get better from an illness and so they do all the right things in order to get better from the illness and they don’t get better from the illness.

No, no, do all the right things because it’s the right thing to do. Whether the illness goes away or not is already you let go and let God. But In the meantime, I’m doing all the things that make the quality of my life better. But if it’s in order to, I’m going to be a great woman in order to, you know, change my husband, you know, no, no, no, no, no.

Just do it because it’s feels right. It’s being in line with God’s will because it gives you a sense of fulfillment being in this world as a Jew in this world. So. That’s what it’s worth. And there’ll be an added benefit. I promise you, your marriage is going to change. Your, your business is going to take off.

Your relationship with your children hopefully will be better, but that can’t be in order to, I can’t have that ulterior motive. That’s what you were just now saying. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And you call it a trap and I just feel like it’s a dance. It’s it’s reality. Yeah, it’s reality. You know, if I think of it as a trap, I’m trying to avoid it and trying to like, Oh, I need to be perfect.

I can’t step in it because the trap will get me, you know, stuck forever. I sort of feel like You know what? It’s part of life. This is reality. We’re going to think negative thoughts and we’re going to try to grab and we’re going to try to learn to let go. And we’re going to have seasons.

We’re going to have seasons where I’m up high and able to fly. And then we’re going to have seasons where Playing with mud and maybe throwing mud at people. And then we’re going to have seasons where we’re like, okay, okay. I’m not doing that again. I’m going to learn how to blah, blah, blah. And. Yeah, a lot of my calm method.

I’ll tell you the calm method quit. Cause I, I feel like we spoke about the methods. So connect to yourself next step one. Ask for abundance is step to listen for the answer is step three and Master a higher level of consciousness is step four I’ll I’ll walk you through it just because I want to say something about the M Yes to yourself is the first thing you always have to do is what do I really want and like you said, you know non judgmental allow yourself to want And people say, but I’m not allowed to want.

Well, God put the want in you. So apparently you have to want it. Okay, like you wouldn’t want it if God didn’t put it in you. So you have a want, you get to notice what do I really want and then turn to God and bring him into the conversation. God, this is what I want. Help me, show me, guide me. People say, Oh, just turn to God.

Why do you need to know what you want? Just turn to God. The problem there is that the energy is grabby and icky. It’s like, God, what do you want from me? I don’t know. So it’s not like that. We’re not doing that. We’re at step one. Connect yourself. Step two, ask for abundance. Then we have step three, which is listen, listen for the answer.

People forget this and this is not a very popular thing. A lot of us have been taught to speak to God. or ask or pray. But we haven’t been taught to listen. So learning the skills. These are very simple skills, but they will change your life. How to listen to what God actually wants. When you ask, God will always answer.

Good for you. It’s beautiful. And then things start to flow. Now here’s where things get, like you say, trappy. Okay. Where’s the trap? The trap is. Now I figured out something that works. I connect, I know what I want, I ask God, God shows me how, boom! Oh my gosh, let’s do that again. Oh, what do I want? What else do I want?

Well, okay, okay, and now I’m gonna bring God into it, and then I’m gonna, and we’re gonna start hearing answers, and then , synchronicities are going to happen, and people are going to come into my life, doors are gonna open, and windows are going to, wow, oh my gosh! So I’m in it and in it, in it.

And this is called burnout because you are running after the high, you’re running after the excitement of, you know, getting in there. And the way to make sure that it’s sustainable and for you, the word, you know, doable is with the M master, a higher level of consciousness. What this means is that there are skills.

That you need to master or you can, you get to that. You get to master the privilege. You don’t have to do anything. Right. You get to master that help you elongate and stretch. And enjoy and bask, like you said, and be in that presence of the flow for longer. Yeah, exactly, for longer. You know, like we were saying, there are ups and downs, highs and lows.

Instead of having to go all the way up to fall all the way down, and the frequency being so high, so scary. Is that was the frequency, the high, high and low or the side to side? I don’t remember. I don’t remember a little bit, a little bit lacking right this second. Cause I’m like, I should know this, but anyway, I love you.

If you’re the one who’s going to send me an email and tell me what the answer is anyway. Where the highs and lows are so far from each other. The fall is so long and then the rise is so long and you’ve tasted both. So you keep bouncing back and forth. The judgment of like, I shouldn’t be there. I shouldn’t be there.

And how could I, and how could this have happened? Instead, the M, the master higher level of consciousness will help you get. To a place where you can have higher highs and higher lows. So instead of having to be all, you know, back and forth, hop up and down, your up and downs could be much more calming, you know, it’s like weight.

And they don’t have to hit the ground. So. A lot of times people say, Oh, I messed up. I went to sleep late and then my whole day was ruined and then, and then I screamed at everybody and then I lost it. And then now I’m not talking to my husband and you know, and like one thing led to another and somehow I ended up really, really bad.

It’s like, can you learn to catch yourself before it gets bad? Can you learn to catch yourself and literally. Hold yourself so you don’t have to plop all the way down. Right? These are, these are tolerance if you make your window. That’s why I try to work with my clients. Also, if your window of tolerance is larger, so then the highs don’t have to go above it, and the lows don’t have to go below it.

They can be the same almost, but you’re gonna perceive it differently because you’re a container for all of that emotion when you’re not a container for that emotion. So the highs are almost like, ah, and the low’s like, ah, but if you. If you’re able to do it within it, then you can handle the lows.

You can handle the highs. It’s been a job. I love that. I love that. That’s the mastering also is making your window of tolerance larger. You’re a Klee. Once again, you become a vessel, a vessel for life where, however it comes, you become that vessel that can handle life, that can receive it. I love that. I love that.

And you know, for women who are feeling called to be so much and to really Show up the way that they’re being called to show up Yes, these are really important skills because they make it easier to Not have to have it all on your shoulders not have to do it all right. That’s true That’s true. And it goes it goes back to me.

It goes back to me and my perception and my decisions and Yeah. Am I being good to my am I being kind to myself? And of course, it depends on what stage you’re in. You have a nine to five job. You’re not your own boss. You’ve got deadlines. You’ve got Children, you know, pulling at you all these different responsibilities.

You’ve got elderly parents that you have to take care of. Yes, there’s a lot of fires that you’re putting out on a day to day basis. I implore you. I really implore each and one of you figure out when you can step back and choose to live your life rather than your life running all over you. I want you to choose to be available here and choose to do that action there and choose feel like you’re choosing, even though you’re really not, but you really are.

I’m not making myself very clear on one foot like this, but that’s the problem. Am I always putting out fires? My life is not my own. I have no sense of control, or no, I do have a sense of control because I choose to now be available. I choose to now be giving. I choose to now step back and allow my teenagers to run amuck in the house because I’m choosing something.

Then there’s a sense of power, and I think that’s what we’re talking about here. I don’t want to be a victim. I want to have power. But I can’t control anybody else except myself. I love it. Nothing else except myself. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I want to say something to this and then we’re going to end because time is running out and I, we could talk all day.

A lot of people, like you said, there’s a lot going on and the fire’s everywhere and you’re like, I don’t know what to do first. And then you tell them, well, get coaching. And they say, but my plate is full. And I say. So get a bigger plate, right for you. Why do you need to take things off your plate and push things aside because you can’t contain?

No, instead become a bigger container, allow yourself to hold more, to create space, to still have everything in your life running. You could still have a job. You could still have kids. You could still have elderly parents. You could still have all the things in your life. And take care of yourself and all that, but not from a place of rush, rush, rush and fire, fire, fire, but more from like, Oh, I have all these blessings in my life and I’m doing all these things.

And you know, how do I make it enjoyable? Right. A meal on a plate that isn’t cramped is a lot more enjoyable than like a pile on a tiny plate. You know, can you imagine all that food? Right, exactly. No, beautiful. That’s true. Like we were saying, turning to other people is very important women, especially are friendship oriented, community oriented.

So I think we need to work on that and we need to say, you know what? Let’s use it to my benefit. And if I want to turn to a friend or a mentor or a coach that’s benefiting, that’s that’s taking care of myself and by me taking care of myself, I’m better able to take care of all these myriad responsibilities that I have all these things on my plate.

Mhm. Yes. Go for it. Everybody should choose. I love it. I love it. Yes. Yes. Hire a coach and you will suddenly be able to contain things you never thought you could. That is my main point of today and be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. It starts and ends with be kind to yourself because hiring a coach is being kind to yourself.

It really is. Get out of victim mode. I mean, we’re in victim mode, all of us, all the time, most of the time, but we can also choose to be in a different place. And that’s where a coach can come in or a friend again, not everybody wants to go in that direction, but yes It’s amazing how helpful having a coach or a practitioner or whatever Modality that the woman uses can be very very helpful to shift things to rewire things, right?

Yeah, I’ll tell you what I found that having a friend and I’m that friend for a lot of people Doesn’t get you the same results as having a Coach and I’m the same person. I am a really good friend and I’m there for my friends and my friends know they can lean on me. Yeah. And some of my friends have hired me because paying for coaching and putting your money where your mouth is.

Yes. Get your results. Yeah. Yeah, it’s true. It’s good that you’re saying that was a powerful thing to think about. And you know, some people don’t work with friends and family. I do. Because you know, I would self sabotage if I didn’t work with friends and family because The people I work with end up being friends and family.

So then I wouldn’t be able to work with them again. It’d be very terrible. So instead I work with friends and family and I just keep gaining more and more friends and family. So it’s actually a blessing. It’s a real blessing. I’ve worked with my mom. I’ve worked with my best friends. I find that so powerful because you have a different energy when you show up and you know, you have to get something out of this hour.

That’s true. Then if we’re sitting around and the kids are playing and we’re just venting about the day and we’re blabbing about, what do you think I should do? And then never do anything about it because I’m not, I’m not, you know, not accountable to it. Right. Okay. It’s been a pleasure. I love talking to you.

Thank you so much. It’s been such, such, such an honor and a pleasure to be here. I have loved to get to know you. I’m happy to be amongst your friends now. That’s like really terrific. That’s really special. Thank God. Thank God. Okay. Julie Devorah Brown. Where can people find you and work with you and get this amazing energy into their life?

It would be a privilege to get to know whomever is like, you know, turned on from this. First of all, the easiest is go to my website, www.juliedevorabrown.com. Julie Devora, as you see written here on the thing, does not have an H at the end. J-U-L-I-E-D-E-V-O-R-A-B-R-O-W n.com. And there you can sign up and then you will.

be able to get my newsletter. Every week I send out a newsletter on the Torah portion based on the shir that I learned from Rebetzin Yamima Mizrachi. So I take something from there that’s, that talks to me and I share it to my group. And of course you can reach out at that point. If there’s anything that you find it’s difficult for you to get into motion.

Based on, let’s say what the newsletter says, then, you know, you can reach out to me and I can have the pleasure of working with you. I have coaching programs set up. So that would be one way to get through to me. That’s beautiful. I love it. I love it. You know, I really love from a business perspective. I love that you’re selling your newsletter like this.

You know, a lot of people are like, I’ll give you this for free if you sign up to my newsletter and then I’m going to sell to you on the newsletter. But you’re like, no, no, no, you don’t have to do anything to sign up to my newsletter. I love the newsletter because the newsletter is valuable on its own.

Wow. People. Inspirational. Inspirational. And I do pray that it speaks to you and it encourages you for another week to claim your power. Claim your beauty. That was always my hope. You make all the difference. And now I end all of my letters. You make all the difference. And it’s true. We women are powerful.

You’re blessed. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming. And thank you listeners for being here all the way to the end. Make sure you come back next week for the next topic.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.