Transcript:

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.

And we are live! Welcome, everyone, to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me With God’s help and so much amazing tech stuff is Rifka Malka Perlman and we are going to be talking about masculine and feminine how to love and especially in marriage so First introduce yourself.

Let’s get into it and then we’ll get right into the good stuff Awesome. Good morning over here. Good afternoon over there. Hi everyone who’s out there. I’m super happy to be here and thank you for inviting me to talk about one of my favorite subjects. And for those of you who I’m just meeting now, I am Rivka Malka.

I live in Baltimore. My heart is in Eretz Yisrael. And I tend to be deep in the healing work of God. Becoming your greatest self. So to that end, I run a coaching school where we train and certify women in transformation life coaching. And I also in a parallel life teach intimacy and marriage classes along with my very special sister, Devorah Brousson.

So today we’re focusing on that part, but when we teach, it always like overlaps the inner healing and the relationship stuff. Yes, totally. I don’t know if you could talk about anything without overlapping with anything else. And that’s how this podcast started, right? Because I’m like,

anyone, any topic, and then how does that affect marriage? And it always worked so well, right? Because it doesn’t matter if you’re decluttering, decluttering is going to affect your marriage. And it doesn’t matter if you’re, you know, time management or whatever, everybody’s specialty is always going to have to touch how it affects marriage.

So this is really fun. So let’s get into it because there is a lot a lot of questions There are a lot of things that are coming up What comes up for you when you think of love and marriage and intimacy and all that stuff? Hmm. Good question. Hmm. A few things. This is my gut reaction. Okay.

When it comes to love, marriage, and intimacy, the first thing I think of is how much of our happiness depends on our shalom bayis, like on any given day, you can have a lot of money, you can have great clothes, your kids could be doing. Okay. But if your marriage is not in great shape, you’re not. So happy you do not feel good.

So the thank you for the work that you’re doing, because it is, it’s top tier. If a person is married, this is top tier to their wellbeing. It’s core. So that’s the first thing, just bringing awareness to that. Like this is worth investing in. This is your life. Yes. Yes. And I also find that

when your marriage is great everything else could be in shambles but it’s fine because we’re in it together and if your marriage is a total mess

and it doesn’t feel right, then everything else falls short. Right? Like the parenting doesn’t feel right. And you, everything gets in the way and the money and there’s never enough and the career is stuck and whatever, like everything ends up being a real tangled mess of a mess. Right. So it’s so, so important.

And that’s why, by the way, that’s why I picked marriage. Cause when my coach asked me. What is the one thing that if a person fixes, everything else will fall into place? And I was like, their marriage. Wow. 100%. You know, because even parenting, even parenting is affected by your marriage, right? And if you put your marriage first and you focus on that, your kids will thrive.

And it will be so much easier to parent. And that’s about everything else too. It’s just such a powerful place to start. Yes. Yes, absolutely. I love that you brought it to the flip side. Like when you are doing well together, everything’s okay. It’s okay. That’s awesome. The second place where I’m focusing, I’m thinking about three places.

So the second place that jumps out at me is that I have found personally a lot of happiness And happy moments in my marriage through the use of gratitude. So we get used to the state of our life, whether it’s, I have a car, I have a husband, I have a house.

These things are luxuries on top of luxuries. There are things that people pray for, yearn for, wish for. So, You know, when I can tap into that feeling and I try to, to pause and say, Whoa, I’m married. Do you understand what that means? That’s not for granted. There are, this is a special place that Hashem put me in this life.

And for other people who are not married, I feel certain that Hashem will fill up their love tanks in the most incredible way as only he can, but There’s no question that it comes with a certain amount of pain and or loneliness. So just having an attitude of gratitude within my daily life in marriage has shifted moments that could have even been triggers because couples will naturally trigger each other all day long.

That’s life. And we could talk more about why this is life. This is how you like, Become one is you, you keep on like, you know, yeah, it’s that, that, yeah, it’s that triggering. It’s amazing. Like you love this person the most and therefore every nuance you’re going to feel the most. It’s fascinating. Hashem is fascinating.

So anyway, I just want to double tap here because most people suffer the most by feeling that they are the only ones going through this and it is so painful to think everyone else has got it right. Everyone else has a perfect marriage. Everyone else sort of figured it out and there’s something wrong with me.

And that’s one of the reasons why I’m so open about us being human and my relationship with my husband. And I think that it’s really important for us to normalize the fact that we’re all Human, imperfect as we are, we are exactly where we need to be and we’re all working towards improving.

And it’s, it’s amazing, right? It’s amazing that as soon as you can get out of that like fuzz of everybody else is like filtered and perfect and just like, you know, has that airbrush look to them and just be like, no, no, no, no, honey, everybody’s the same. And we’re all dealing with the same things behind closed doors.

And it’s just really important to validate that. Okay. Yeah. And, and please may I add, not just validate, but to understand marriage, there’s this line that says, if someone tells you they’re working on that, their marriage, that doesn’t mean they have a bad marriage. If they say they’re not working on their marriage, that’s a bad marriage.

daily work of like, like rising up beyond yourself and then you get to taste some connection. And then you’re a humanist, you go back to yourself and then you’re reaching beyond yourself. I want to understand him. I want to know where he’s coming from. I want to see why he said that. I want to see what he needs and you get it.

And then. You know, you’re back to the dishes. So it’s, this is, it’s juicy when you have, it’s, it’s a juicy adventure of in Hebrew, we call it avodah samidos in English, that means like character refinement, becoming the best version of yourself is to get to know your other half and it’s, it’s a daily, it’s amazing.

Yeah, and I want you know, you said something like when we’re so close and we love someone so much Then all the nuances are so much more Enlarged and I think of of the mirror So god created the world with all these mirrors around us so that we can see ourselves because we can’t see ourselves any other way And so we see someone is impatient, and we see someone is selfish, and we see someone who is beautiful, and we see someone who we look up to.

And all these things are just reflections of what we have inside, right? Because you’ll never see it if you don’t have it. You’re incapable of seeing anything good or bad if you don’t have it yourself. So, I look at the husband as like that gigantic mirror that makes everything bigger, right?

When you’re like looking at your pores or your wrinkles or you’re trying to like do something there like it is so much bigger and more enlarged The work that you have to do within yourself because it’s so clear. It’s so close. It’s so intimate and and that’s really where the real work comes in Wow.

That is fascinating. You know, I would love to share a story with you. It just happened yesterday. So, two nights ago, I was having a conversation with my husband about a program and our staff and something that wasn’t clear and was a staff member, like concerned about it. And he loves when things run smoothly.

He’s amazing at making things run smoothly. So I, I knew it would not be pleasant for him to hear that there was like a little bit of questions about how something was running, but I wanted to keep him in the loop. And it ended up And but it was like the kind of thing that it would be okay, you know, staff member just wanted to say, I’m really concerned about this.

Okay, we fixed the concern. So it was actually great. I feel good when my staff feel knows that they can bring their opinions to me and I can respect them. So we ended up in this conversation, which is a very old conversation with us, which is about like the difference between my free spirit flow mechanisms and his on top of it mechanisms.

And he said something like, you know, whatever, I don’t know what he said, but I said, I don’t feel bad. Anymore about this topic because I work on myself. I have worked on myself to learn teamwork, to be timely, to get things done in an orderly way. None of it is natural for me.

Me and my sister, we’re both free spirits. We’re laughing. We’re like, we are trained puppies. That’s it. I will regress back into my artist self and forget being a professional. It’ll take about two days, but. I’m not joking, but for, for now, like I show up to my classes on time. Okay. Yeah. I’m, I’m laughing because I’m the same way in my podcast, about a hundred episodes.

I’m like, you guys, I have no idea how I got here. I’m the least. The least organized, the least consistent, I don’t know, I’m an artist, I’m creative, I go with the flow. Don’t say the word consistent. Don’t, don’t make me look at that word. It’s a training. That’s why I call it Amita’s training. But what I wanted to tell you, if I may, if I may, just two things about this, I was explaining to him and also thinking about how I learned these.

New ways of being from him. And it has enriched our relationship tremendously to have the understanding that your partner is your teacher, Hashem put you with this one person, I mean, you have the most access to them, the most visuals of them, the most exposure to their habits. They’re your Mido’s teacher.

They’re your character teacher. And the more that I’m willing to learn from him. But the first 10 years of my marriage, I was defensive. Like I’m not messy. I’m just with the kids. I clean up at three in the morning. That’s what I do. You know, I was in that zone, but when things settled down and husk got a little quieter and you know, I began to look towards him and not resist what he, who he was and how he was, Oh, we have to get out on time because Tati wants us to, but instead realize he’s helping me to learn things I would never learn on my own, then.

My defenses went down. I felt proud of myself for learning. And yesterday yesterday, he actually did the opposite for me to learn from my kind of flexibility because I, he was at the hospital. With my mother in law and he was there the whole day and I packed him up food because it turned out he would be there for the night and I made it just like he likes it and I put in the snacks and I, I was like wife extraordinaire and I packed it up and I had his colicine to fill in for the overnight.

And I got there and I had left dinner at home on the counter. Ah, he still had the snacks that I had put in another bag, but no dinner. He had a soup I had picked up on my way and I just sat there and I was so humbled because he made, Almost, we made no deal about it. Like, this is unheard of for him. If you care about someone, put the dinner in the bag, is how his mind works, you know.

He was so flexible about it. But also, it gave me, again, the chance to kind of ponder that this other person, this amazing man that I live with. He has so much to teach me, especially in the places that would trigger me or be different than me. I’m actually a person who could leave the dinner on the table if left to my own devices.

So I think you got the summary, but just like, if you get this about your partner, it’s going to be so much more interesting. Yeah, you know, it’s so funny because my husband has a really good sense of humor, and a lot of times his sense of humor will be like a little bit sarcastic or, you know, like you know, not my taste.

But anyway, I, With the times I’m getting used to it and I’m appreciating it because it’s smart humor. It’s not like garbage humor, right? He’s very wise. He’s very You know above above the thing So so his jokes are also like play on words or something really cute and smart he’ll rewrite words for like from a song and you know like a kid’s song and like make a point about something And i’d be like, oh you’re ruining the song for me, you know things like that and the other day I was Rewriting the song.

I was just sitting there, you know, I think it was Hi, hi. Hi. I’m israel. Hi, right and and I just said I was like, you know out of the thing I’m, like, you know by going to the festival or whatever of, of songs, right? Like back then in those days and S and sending her to sing like, hi, hi, hi.

It was basically like in your face, we didn’t die, you know, and I’m thinking of like the war now and all that stuff. I was just like, so I just sang it and sort of like it rhymed and it sounded really good. And he’s like, turns around and says. This is crazy! After all these years, I’m learning to be such a bitter person and I’m refining my character because of you and thanks to your niceness, and instead you’re getting more and more sarcastic!

And it was just, first of all, it was really nice to hear that he thinks he’s refining himself, thanks to me, because he’s really been you know, it’s amazing to watch someone throughout the years, sort of being more and more refined, which is really fun. But to get credit for that feels really nice. And I say it all the time to him because we have the same exact, like, it’s almost copy paste, right?

He’s the one who teaches me time management. He’s the one who teaches me how to stay on top of things. It’s only thanks to him that the house is actually still standing! And I thank him for that all the time and I give him credit. So for him to turn around one day and randomly say Oh, you’re, you know, you helped me refine my character and I helped you ruin your character, right?

It’s an awesome moment. Yeah, but I really appreciate that you saying this because you know you were saying before attitude of gratitude, right? and I think you know a while back. I sat myself down with a journal I said I want to be grateful for all the things I didn’t have and I have now Right? Like all the things I prayed for and like how they came out, how they worked out.

So I went back in time and I remembered myself as a young adult praying so hard. I want to live in Israel. I want to be married to a rabbi. I want to have like a really beautiful, you know, Jewish home. I want to radiate light, right? Those were like the things I was praying for. And when you’re that age.

And, you know, people see like these like young 20 year olds or whatever, like, you don’t really know anything about life, you know, or whatever. It’s like, no, no, no. They really know, right? Like all these teenagers, they know, they know what they want. They know what, what matters. They are not in Lala land at all.

And I’m, you know, I learned. Now, like, as a old lady, I, quote unquote, I did, I did use my fingers to say quote now that I look at these teenagers and at these young adults, I have so much respect for them because I remember myself at that age and the things that mattered to me. So anyway, I wanted all these things and I prayed for them so hard and I just wanted it to all work out.

And, and I’m looking back now and I’m like, Oh my gosh, like everything I asked for, but better everything I asked for better. Right? I live in Israel. I married a rabbi. He is way beyond anything I could have asked for. It totally won the lottery. But do you know how long it took me to appreciate that? Do you know how long, like, even moving to Israel and you’re like, all the trials and tribulations of moving all the time.

I think we moved like thirteen times. Right? Like we had a lot of moving and, and all the drama and all the stuff, and all the things that we had to go through, and I was like. You know and also just in my marriage like oh, yeah, I can now I can turn around and be like Oh, he’s you know jackpot of all husbands But there was a long time where I was like, I totally lost out something something went off You know, and it took me a while to appreciate what I got so I think it’s it’s really impressive to be able to See the big picture because it’s always the long game.

It’s always The bigger the bigger expansion, you know You Yeah, wow. So beautiful that you took the time to notice it. Oh, it changes your life You know one time you do that exercise and you’ll never be able to go back Right because yes gratitude about like, oh, I have cups. I have water. I have running electricity like we have zoom We’re actually, you know live all these great things we could be grateful for And it’s just like okay you forget the next day right because there’s just so much so much You But when you think back to the things that you wanted so badly, and the emotion involved, like really get there and remind yourself how it felt, the pain, the pain that you had from not having that, from not reaching that, from thinking that it’s impossible.

You’re like, how am I going to end up there? How am I going to find, like, I’m going out with all these guys and they’re all so not right, you know? Like, there has to be somebody. And then God knows exactly what he’s doing, orchestrating everything, coordinating everything, just running the world. And you have to trust that he knows better and he’s getting you there.

And that’s really, really powerful. It’s powerful for me. Yeah, that’s amazing. I used to be a Curative Director, and I remember speaking to the young adults, telling them, I was sharing my story with them of my near death experience, and I told them, That everyone must be about Shuba. Everyone must be like, you know, born again, returning to God.

And some people, they come to it because they grew up in a secular way and then they find God. But somebody who grew up religious. They also must have a kind of like a moment of awakening, which usually is after some kind of devolvement of a part of their life. And then they have to come to know God in a way that’s personal to them, like in order to own it.

And I feel like you’re saying the same thing with marriage. Like, you know, The beginning is, okay, you got married, but then there’s stage two, which is choosing to be married, choosing to love, choosing to see who you’re with. And that’s a whole nother, that’s like next level that opens up new possibilities.

It is next level. And you know, I think that one of the biggest, the biggest things that helps women when they sign up with me. Is the commitment, the commitment to want to make it work because until you get off the fence, you’re still on the fence. Of like, I don’t know, is it really possible to change? Is it really possible to make a difference?

It’s already so, you know, too late you know I don’t know. It’s not so bad. It’s not bad enough. And I didn’t do anything about it. Like there’s all these concerns and thoughts and resistance to actually taking action. Right? And, and the secret is just, you have to know what you want. You have to know what you want because if you don’t know what you want Then you’re never going to get there, right?

You’re just going in circles But if you know what you want and it matters so much to you that you are willing to do whatever it takes That’s 80 of the work like then they sign up and they just have to learn the skills They have to figure out the how we’re you know, i’m holding them through it. We’re going through it together I’ve seen such amazing results and complete breakthroughs You Just from taking action, you know feeling ready and taking that leap and it’s just amazing. There was this one lady.

Can I tell you the story because it’s just like phenomenal. There was this one lady Who said she can’t talk to her husband. She feels like she’s walking on eggshells. He’s a nice guy. He loves her everything but like You know, it’s just so hard to communicate what she needs because, you know, he’s always criticizing and being negative and pushed back and whatever.

And so she just like is very let go, let go, just okay, you know, cancel yourself out. Everything’s fine. But how many years can you live like that? So after almost 30 years of going through life and kids and everything. Trying really, really hard not to step on his toes. She commits to working with me and, you know, finding her voice and finding ways of communicating differently.

Oh my gosh. So I have the calm method that I teach and she taught it to her husband. And then they started having meetings and they’re using the call method. Like I never had anybody teach her husband the call method. It was always do it yourself and then come prepared. She, they sit down and do the calm method together on any situation that comes up.

Could you imagine what a breakthrough, like, wow, completely changed every part of her life because she was able to break through owning her voice and finding what she really wanted and really committing. I think this is just so powerful and anybody who has the, you know, the, like you’re on the fence and you’re sort of balancing between life and death type of thing, right?

Like jump, take the leap, you know, because you’re being called to, not because you have to, but because it feels good. It feels good to have clarity. Yeah, absolutely. That’s such a great call to action. Don’t give up hope. Just take the action and things can get better. Yes, yes, take action. I love that Very practical like let’s take action people.

Okay, so because we’re so practical and we want to come out with something The listeners are being like great. This is an awesome conversation. What do I do? How do I take the first step do something little move forward in my marriage right now where I am You Whatever that is. What are you going to tell me?

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, for a free deep dive discovery call.

This is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations with practical steps. The call is free and so valuable in itself, so go book yours today.

Now back to the show.

 Okay, that’s a great question. Hi, listeners. So, one of the places that I feel that we can get stuck is that we don’t understand men. And why don’t we understand men, because we’re women. Same way as men don’t understand women, it’s, it’s like There’s this textbook and in order to understand the other you almost have to reread the textbook every day because every day you’re living in a totally different reality.

So I feel like maybe we could share a few things about men, the male species, that will just help women to take the actions that they need to take. Okay. Yeah. So, sound good? I’m thinking, I’m thinking of this textbook, I’m, I’m thinking like one of those magical textbooks that rewrites itself every two seconds because we’re constantly changing and we’re so unique.

Right? Oh my gosh. It’s so interesting. I was just teaching about feminine archetypes. And there was 11, the queen, the warrior, the, the lover, the, it just so many the wise woman and accessing those pieces. Maybe I’ll share a piece about that. And In psychology for men, there’s only four. Of course I thought this is so funny.

Like I’m on 11 and there that’s four. There’s like the king, the joker, the magician and the hero. Anyway, you know why it’s the same thing. Like as a graphic designer, we always laughed about this, you know, there’s like 23 colors that we can name, but like basically,

It’s a very male trait is just, yeah, because it’s practical and clear. Okay. So men, that’s, I really would like to think about what I want to share over here. Because based on our conversation, the first thing is to know that respecting a man is important. Is king. It’s what they need. It’s the same way we need to be cherished.

You need to feel like you matter deeply to someone, that they miss you when you’re gone, that they find you beautiful, like your feminine self needs. That a man needs to be respected and doesn’t matter how he’s respected at the worst place, it needs to happen at home. And that means that as his wife, you want to, be aware of that respect and here’s a few ways that it can come out number one If he gives advice solicited or unsolicited like we were talking about husbands who like just have ways of doing things Take the advice take it and say thank you and then do with it in the way that feels appropriate for yourself But when the advice is given in the verbal exchange Just take it.

Just enjoy it. He’s saying, here’s a piece of my wisdom and knowledge. I want to take care of you and make things better. So just take it. That’s an aspect of respect. Okay. I love that. By the way, this reminds me of improv, right? We had a guest to talk about the skills in improv and how to use them in marriage

the rule number one, yes, and, right? Like, don’t resist it. Just say yes. And tell me more, right? Exactly. There can be a you in it. It doesn’t have to be like the woman you said who just like got quieter and quieter. Right. Definitely the yes and okay. Yes, I love it. Okay, so rule number one. Respect by you.

Receiving. Receiving the advice. Amazing. Number two. A man is magnetized to where he is relevant. To be relevant is huge in a man’s psyche. It means I matter. Okay. I’ll go wherever I matter the most. And you want to be the place where you, your husband matters the most. Now, of course, Hashem made men to be givers, to be out in the world.

They’re going to find projects and do work, et cetera, that matters because they feel relevant. But if they feel only relevant at work, and then they come home and they’re just kind of like an addendum to bath time, it’s not going to feel satisfying to him. And you will not have the partner that you want.

So going out of your way to make your husband feel relevant means Asking his advice, keeping him in the loop, making him a priority when it comes to things like dinner, like Tati’s here or let’s make sure that Tati gets his plate and then the rest of the kids will get their food. If he’s not relevant to your world because you are in mama, mama, mama world or in your career world that has nothing to do with him so much so that you’ve stopped talking to him about it.

Then you’re going to, you lose that, God forbid, not lose it, you can lose out on that magnetizing. That automatically comes when a man feels, oh, here’s where I have something to give, because he’s naturally antenna seeking. Where do I give like my selfhood? Hmm. That would be number two. I have an, I have a story about this one.

Oh, I love stories. Love. That makes relevant. I had a friend whose husband. Would always go straight from work to his either his mother or his sister or you know different people Oh, I just they need me my help to fix the you know, the air conditioner Oh, they need my help to fix this. They need my help to do this and that and she has a million things to fix Right?

Like there is no lack of things to fix in her own home, but he’s just never coming home straight from work because he feels so needed. And it’s like, she finally found out like, what’s going on? What is happening at your mother’s house? Or what’s happening at your sister’s house? Well, I go, I fix the air conditioner.

Meanwhile, she’s making cookies. So she gives me some, then I sit down to have some soup because there has to be, you know, there happened to be soup on the, you know, So there is something where he feels like he wants to be there. And they’re talking to him and they’re giving him, you know, the interaction that he deserves.

He comes home and it’s like, okay, hi, you know, whatever, you know, this is where you automatically belong. So we’re not doing anything special to make that. And, it was a real eye opener for me. You know exactly what you’re saying just make your husband relevant and then you brought business into it And because i’m a marriage coach specifically for women in business, right?

For me one of the biggest things is can you talk to your husband about your business even though it’s not his business Right? Can you bring him in to ask him for his strength, right? I had a question about my assistant, like should I give her a raise, should I not? I don’t know if I can, you know, manage the money, whatever.

I brought, I’m like, my husband’s a numbers person. He is so calculated. He’s so good at this. Like, why am I breaking my head trying to think this with my emotions if I can just bring him all these stuff and like use him as the expert? So I came to him and I said, You’re the expert on numbers and I’m thinking clearly instead of me going to An expert, paying money and getting feedback on this decision I would love love to hear what you have to say about it He sat down looked at the numbers and said yes You should totally give her a raise because if you had to replace her, you know, blah blah blah Whatever all the things and I loved it.

It was so good. It was so good. Now You Does he have any idea what I do? Like, it’s the funniest thing. He gets my emails and he responds back, like, was this personal to me? You know, because he’s on my email list, but he’s, he’s, you know, I don’t think he really, really understands what I do, but the fact that I can lean on him for different things that I know are his strengths.

I love bringing examples to what you’re saying because I think the examples are so helpful. Yeah. So we’re talking. So number one, respect number two make him relevant. Yeah. And number three prioritize intimacy. Yeah. Yeah. So do you have to say anything else? I do. I think it’s really important for women to know.

I’ve just been teaching these archetypes like tiny bits now, but they’re helping me so much to convey what I’ve been trying to convey to people. people about marriage and intimacy. So an archetype simply means like a universal pattern of behavior. So if you are in your mother archetype, then you’re nurturing and selfless, et cetera.

If you’re in your queen archetype, then you are the boss lady and you are the CEO and you are powerful and you are clear. Okay, so each archetype has its light side and its dark side. So like the queen can end up being controlling and vain. The mother can end up being like selfless, depleted and murdered.

Okay, why is this relevant to us? Because Hashem gave women the ability, he made us according to his will, which means we can move through our archetypes, through aspects of ourself with incredible fluidity. And it helps so much to know about that because you’ll have women who think like I’m a mother and they’re staying in this like mother mode, which means I’m selfless.

I’m just giving myself away and the children need me and the house needs me. And it’s very, very difficult to transition to what we call lover. Which is there’s an us and I’m alive and I’m excited about life. And I love life. And from that love or vitality comes this desire for intimacy or this openness towards intimacy.

But I noticed that women, and I’m not talking badly about women. I just, I happen to have had a very powerful training from my mother in womanhood. God bless her. She should be well, she’s really I could talk so many things that she’s taught me and continues to teach me. But I saw about my mother, I watched her transition because my father would work throughout the night.

And so her transitions were like, She’s mother till 630 and then he would come home and like, she was always like shifting roles to accommodate his presence or now I’m being a wife and now I have all this, but then he was away at the hospital for, you know, 12 hours. So then it was like party time.

I watched her move into these spaces and she was able to access her womanhood. So just to summarize it is possible for you to access other parts of yourself that exist within your womanhood and you need them for your marriage and you need them for your vitality. If you stay in career woman all the time, you’re You’re going to be an unpleasant person.

If you stay in mother all the time, you’re going to be an exhausted person. If you stay in lover all the time, you’re going to be a needy person because everything is about your husband. Okay. But you have the ability to notice where I am and what do I need to do to transition? You know, do I need to take a shower, do self care, dive in, meditate, clean the house, call a friend, get pumped up.

What’s, you know, where’s something else? Okay. And that’s the call of a woman. That’s why it’s just Kyle is like, it doesn’t just say she’s so nice to her kids. It says she’s a rockstar business woman. Her husband praises her. Like there’s so much to us. And it’s, it’s a training on womanhood. I’ll leave it at that.

I love that and you know we don’t talk about intimacy much on the podcast keep it to my intimate, but I think it’s really important for the listeners to know that this has to be a priority. Right. And, and it’s. It’s very important. And a lot of people are like, yeah, but no, but right. This has to be a priority. And if it’s not a priority, then you make it a priority.

And if you can’t make it a priority, then you should want it to be a priority. Right? So, yeah like my teacher once said, like, I love, you know, every, every person has to always say, God, I love you. And what if I don’t love God? Well, then you have to say, God, I want to love you. Right? So same thing. If I don’t have it right now, I need to want it.

Right? Every single day. I want to want it. I want to want to want it. And until you get to a place where you’re like, Oh. Wow, look at that. I’ve reached it. It’s not gonna happen overnight, but you know, you have trainings. I have trainings There’s many trainings out there You should put your intimacy first Why because just like we said marriage is the core of all of your life Intimacy is the core of marriage Right?

And so, if you’re, if you have to focus on one thing that’s going to really move the needle on your marriage, it’s your intimacy. And if you can do that, then you’re going to see everything else fall into place. It’s true, but I think just saying like you should do that. It’s almost like you should go build a building.

So I’m very glad that you have a master class. And I’m very glad that I get to teach with my sister because it gets passed from woman to woman. And I think that’s one of the biggest issues around intimacy is. If you said before that people have this idea that someone has a picture perfect marriage, people also have that idea about intimacy, that there’s one way and it’s somewhere, but intimacy is an evolution.

It evolves as you evolve. So it’s really, really important to get education about that. And to get support and hope. Yes. So, you know, I don’t mean, when I say should, you should want it. I don’t mean you should just make it happen like poof. Right? I mean more like know that that’s where you should seek support.

Right? Like, that’s where we want to get educated because the more you know, the more you’re going to know, you know, and the more you’re going to be able to do and the more you’re going to be able to fill up. We’re talking about receiving abundance and, you know, opening ourselves up as the container for all that and, you know, expanding our vessel.

And there’s a lot of beautiful things that we can discuss on a spiritual level. And, it really comes through. Physical, right? And there’s something really, really powerful about that connection on a physical level, right? Because if we’re all the time up here in our heads, when we get back into our bodies and we can actually experience experiences, then they’re going to change us in a much more deep way than if we’re just talking about them.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Okay, cool. So, number four. Oh, I was only going to do three. I can do four. I actually have a program coming up I would love to tell your listeners about. Go for it. Yeah. So What happened with me is that I have been blessed to do a lot of healing work with a lot of mentors and all the time I teach students, I get the benefit, and I’m changing and growing and changing and growing and then guess what?

October 7th happened. Like you, like everybody, when that happened, everything changed for me. Every single thing changed. And the way that I approached healing changed the way that I approached God changed and my heart changed. My Neshama changed. I think this is the same for all of us. So right around that time, as I was doing.

Different types of work. Like I mentioned, the archetypes was one of the types of work very interesting, new works, a lot, a lot of work with gratitude. I overheard this conversation between two teenage boys and this one boy, maybe he’s around 20. Had gone out on an excursion and an adventure to a bar from kid.

And he said I want to check it out. I like, what am I going to go when I’m 40 or never? Like, I’m curious and I really want to see what it’s like over there. So he went on a Saturday night and he spent some time at the bar, saw some people very interesting. Next week. Which is when I intersected with him, him and his friend were talking and he said, I really want to go back, like twinkle, twinkle in the eye, I want to go back.

And his friend looks at him and says, the best version of yourself doesn’t go to the bar. And he said, Oh, shoot. Like, let’s go for pizza. I heard it. My heart opened like a new door opened this longing. The best version of myself, like what if I had even more clarity on that? What if I had a friend who could help hold me accountable?

What if like, I was vibing and living with it, like. That inner joke. I call it an inner joke. It is a joke. Like the best version of myself doesn’t do that doesn’t mean I don’t want to doesn’t mean I’m not lazy doesn’t mean, and then to celebrate it, you know, just celebrate the knock on to the bar, instead of it being like, Oh, I’m such a bad person I wanted to go or oh shoot.

It was just a moment that I watched that Hashem arranged for me that was massive. So a bunch of things happened and I ended up creating the best version of yourself program and it is starting on February 27th and the basic format format is four months and each month we’re going to be focusing on something else.

And the first one month, we’re going to be focusing on all this inner work, getting to know yourself. The second month is getting connected to your body, your heart, your soul. Third month is relationships. Fourth month is life mission. But these are topics that I always used to teach on, but I feel, and you could tell me if you feel like this too, I feel like in this new era of be tough on trusting God, it’s a new type of healing.

It’s what I’m calling happy healing. Healing doesn’t have to hurt. So. This is the program and Each month is going to have a live event, live online and live in New York, a live healing event because I want to have fun. The best version of myself is actually a very fun person and I lost her for a while and like she’s making a comeback.

So if anyone would like to hear more about that, they can reach me at Rivka Maka. com and we’re going to have a lot of fun and yeah, I’m so happy. I’m so happy you love it. I, I see your smile. I see your radiance. I’m like, yes, everybody go sign up. I want to tap on what you said about, you know, healing, positive healing.

That’s actually what I really leaned into very early on because I’m a very positive person. And one of my coaches was all into like, let’s go into the shadow and blah, and I was like, no, no, no. I, you know, I’m not doing that. I don’t mind if things come up to me and I need to work on them and you know, send them back with a happy heart, but I am not going down there.

I don’t need to. Right. There’s a reason why they’re in the basement. They’re like, you know, God is, is keeping them nice and safe somewhere else. And so I, Early on positivity was, is one of my values, right? I’m very practical. I’m very integrated and I’m very positive. And I love that, you know, that we can really heal from a place of happiness and joy and abundance.

Right. A lot of people have this belief that in order to connect to God, you have to lack, you have to connect to the, you know, pain, you have to something or rather it’s like, what if we can just connect to God from this place of full hearted, amazing, you know, just joy and I don’t know, exuberance, like, just the ability to shine and let it take over, like, oh, that, that is, that’s big, right?

That has been my mission. So I’m, I’m loving it. I’m loving that, you know, cause that’s really the redemption. Redemption is, Just, you know, leaning into the positivity, leaning into the light, leaning into the things that make you have fun, right? We lost, we all lost ourselves, like, no questions about it, and I love it that you’re reconnecting to the best version of yourself.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you for getting it. Yeah, I totally love it and I think it’s so awesome how god orchestrates things like that or you can You know really listen in on what’s going on behind the scenes of someone’s life And i’m really really grateful for that friend Who told him that very strong message, you know If it would have been someone else it would have gone completely differently So I think we all have to appreciate the people in our lives That are there for pushback You know sometimes and a lot of times it’s gonna be your husband and someone who’s close to you It’s gonna be like, oh, I don’t know It’s not really the best version of you and we have to be okay with that.

We have you know We get to really receive that Yeah Yeah, I love what you’re saying like bring it into regular life and that’s what got me excited Like if someone criticizes you or if you feel criticized by your husband You It’s a bad feeling. But if you have it within your dialogue that we are all, me and you, we both are into being the best version of ourselves, then it’s a, it’s a kind of a fun pump up, you know, not that you can be controlling about another person’s decisions, you got to be careful about that, but it’s fun.

I actually had a great experience. I was in the supermarket. And I was trying to go to the, you know, line that moves the fastest that the register person that moves the fastest and I was taking myself out of the car and I’m noticing, wow, it’s going down the conveyor belt so fast. So I look up at the cash register person.

And it is a young. From a guy, a religious guy, which usually, not usually, it’s not a Jewish person necessarily at the counter. It was an unusual employee. And I said to him, like, you are really fast. He said, wow, thank you for noticing. I really try, he said, there’s not that much that I can do when I’m, doing this job.

It’s not my favorite place to be that I landed up in this job, but I try to make myself challenges. So I try to go as fast as I can. So I was kind of sneaky, but I was like still delighting from these other teenage boys. So I kind of tried it out and I said, Oh, so you’re being the best version of yourself.

And he was like, yes. Oh my gosh. It was so, it landed so like, boom, it was a learning experience for me. Cause what an incredible person this is that he didn’t want to be in this job, but standing there in a way that nobody knew about, he was being the best version of himself, which was to do the job well, effectively and fast.

It’s a great inspiration for me. Yes. And it reinforced this idea. And very much, very much, I think of Joseph when I think of that, you know? He ended up anywhere he, the jobs that I’m sure he was not looking forward to doing, and being down in jail, and being up here, and being down there, like anywhere with him, he was working to be his best self, and, and that’s inspirational because how often do we just get to complain about the situation?

Like, we are. Fighting reality. It’s not supposed to be this way, you know, and what it was God thinking and blah blah blah and we can really take it the extreme opposite of where this guy was and really imagine if you could just Be the best version of yourself right now and you’re saying, you know these very Recent stories this morning.

I had such a hard time with my kids going out of the house I just get out already, you know, I’m like, I don’t want to wear shoes. I don’t wear a coat You know all the things I’m just like, okay, so I’ll hold your shoes and I’ll hold your coat. We’re just going right And then just, and as I’m walking up, I was like, okay, this is where I need to be right now.

This is where I need to be right now. So what’s the point of losing my patience? What’s the point of, you know, and let me just give you the background story yesterday. I did lose my patience, so I didn’t want to do that again because I already knew what it felt like. Like I’ve already tried that, done that, you know, not really excited about it.

Let me see if I can try something else. And I realized, yeah. You know, it’s so powerful to just be. I was like, okay, so I’ll wait here by the tree. Wow. And guys will come, and then I walk to the next tree and I am waiting for you. You know? And they’re all walking really slow and walking on the rocks and taking their time.

Yeah. What if I could just be, you know, . Wow. You were the best version of your stuff today. I tried . Yeah. I love, I love that. I love that. It’s really nice. And I like that there’s accountability because like you said, having that friend tell you. Yeah, that’s, that’s very helpful and very powerful. Oh yeah. I mean, the way that I think, I feel like we don’t just need accountability and yes, yes to accountability, I’m not disagreeing with you, but to add on to that, I feel like work on ourselves is so important and so difficult as you saw this morning that we need.

an entire cheerleading team behind us. That’s what I would want. Like my secret self would want, you know, like go. And I think, I know that there is a whole cheerleading team there just happened to be in the heavens. And anytime I overcome something like there, the whole team is like, cheer, cheering me on.

It’s just like, Abraham, Yitzchak, Yacov, Sarah, all the foremothers, all the forefathers, the whole, all the angels, they’re like cheering. And at the same time, if I could replicate that down here, that there’s a team of people, the other women that are in the program, that actually care that you didn’t, you know, you know, that you were patient today.

It’s like, you know, it’s more fuel in your gas tank. And right now we need fuel every single day. So yeah, more people, more fuel. So it’s exciting. Yeah. Okay, great. So you guys go check out her program. If you just contact me on my website, because the program’s on a different website, rivkamalka.com make sure you go check that out. If you’d like to check out my coaching connected for real.com/coaching, you can, find out all the details there and schedule a free discovery call. It’s really fun. We go really deep and we find the roadmap to where you wanna go, so I’m super excited about that.

Thank you so much for being here. This has been. Such a fun conversation. I love that. We can just go with the flow and you know, see where it takes us. Cause it’s not where I was planning on going, but I love,

yeah, this was a good, this was a good plan. to not have a plan. No, we had a plan. It just we didn’t. This is like how I look at recipes. I look it up and then I forget to look at it while I’m cooking. I’m like, Oh, that was a good cookies. I think that’s what we did. We had a plan. And then God led us to the actual plan, which is always the best way to do it.

So I say if you’re not having fun, fun on my podcast and you’re not doing it right. So I really hope you had a good time. Okay. I like that. And I didn’t realize that you’re still doing one on one coaching because I’m more familiar with your podcast. So call out Kabod with that. If anyone Is out here just listening in about marriage and you want that then you have an address and that’s not a small thing but Someone just actually emailed me like I don’t know where to find marriage coaches.

Like who are they? Where are they? It’s a small genre of people that are equipped and willing to get into the heart of marriage because it is so So tender so thank you. Yeah, and you know what? I love focused my energy on marriage and business that intersection, right? Do you? Have a really good marriage that supports you and your passion and your business and you’re you know going and your go getter ness, right?

And You And on the other side, like how do you create a business that supports your life where you’re not overworking and you’re not burning out and you’re not, you know, just completely all over the place. That intersection is so critical, and when I started talking about it, I became the expert because no one else was.

Like, there’s not a single other person who’s talking about that intersection. Right. That’s very sweet stuff. You have hundreds and thousands of women whose marriage is so important to them that they’re not willing to go out of their way to shine. Because they don’t want to pay a price with their marriage, right?

And so they’re holding themselves back and that’s a really bad recipe for disaster because Then you’re just feeling deprived of shining, right? Like you can’t do that to yourself for too long, right? And I found that you’re either using your marriage as an excuse not to grow your business or using your business as an escape because you don’t feel as comfortable in your marriage and Both those things are not Where you want to be right and anytime you feel that your marriage and your business are pulling you apart You know, you need to realign, you know that you need to get them all back, you know gather gather the troops let’s move it up, you know, like really align because There is a lack of alignment there.

And that’s, that’s what I love to, to focus on. So definitely, you know, I have four pillars. You guys know that from the podcast, God, marriage, business, and you, and people come to me for all four pillars. So either God baggage, you know, when it comes to, you know, you should have known better, this marriage is not the marriage I was supposed to go into, you know, or what were you thinking about this?

A lot of God baggage is behind that. Marriage obviously, right? And then business. How to streamline, how to systemize, how to make it work. Because I am not naturally Good at it, right? I thought I was not consistent. I thought I wasn’t organized, but I found what works for me. And I’m able to teach that to, you know, to my students and my, and my, my people, my friends.

And that’s, that’s fascinating. And then you as your whole self, how do you expand your vessel? How do you make more space so that you don’t have to put anything down and take anything off your plate, but just create more space, get a bigger plate, you know, allow yourself to have it all. No, not, you know, without having to pay a price with anything, because God doesn’t want you to pay a price.

Really, ideally, if everything is for God’s sake, then there is no reason why you need to pay a price. Yeah. Because God wants you to do it all. Yes, we can be in balance and harmony and do the things we’re meant to do and it can be enjoyable. Works but enjoyable. Yeah. And I love that you just gave me like, Oh, that feels so nice.

You know, Rivka Maka says you should work with me. For sure. It’s your, it’s It’s your gift. You worked hard for this gift. And I really believe in coaching. I think it’s like one of the most powerful gifts out there. So if you’re doing this and you get this terrain of marriage and business, then like, yeah, I say go work with Batrin.

Yes. Go work with me. Yay. Oh my gosh. You guys, I love you all. Yes. I love you all. I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you for listening. And don’t forget to be connected 📍 for real.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.