Transcript:

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.

 And we are live! Welcome, everyone, to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, and today with me is Julie. We’re talking about goals and you. Julie, you introduce yourself, and then we’ll get right into it. You got it. Well, thank you so much for having me. I am excited that I am speaking to someone who is in one of my favorite places in the world.

And it reminds me that I need to go back to Israel, but I’m Julie DeLuca Collins, and I am a tiny habits coach. I also help women who are looking to grow in their impact to create the consistent income in their business while helping others in this world. So excited for today. Thanks for having me. Oh, thank you.

And you know, I love how everything came together so beautifully because you work on habits and you work on growing business and you’re working with your husband to grow your own business. So I’m like, we’re going to touch on all the pillars today. Yes, let’s do it. We specifically picked to focus on you, the pillar that is all about you becoming the container that holds all the parts of your life.

Because I think that specifically because you have that ability, you know, to do all the things and to still be in alignment, this is such a great conversation that we’re going to be having. So let’s get into goals and getting, you know, into it, practical, Tangible. Amazing. Goals is one of these conversations that, you know, we cannot just avoid for the remainder of the year.

Most people tend to have it at the beginning of the year and then they kind of go about their life and it’s not until they start to see like, wait a minute, we’re halfway through the year. We’re almost ending that they kind of start to go back to have the conversation. And I love that you have chosen to talk about this because it’s something that we can consistently reconnect with to really be able to help us grow in confidence and really be able to achieve the things that we’ve set out to.

I love that you said confidence when it comes to goals because most people don’t see it connected. Can you give us a little bit of the connection there? Absolutely. You know, one of the things that our brain is wired for is a negative bias. So when we go about life and things are not turning out the way we think they should be, we immediately start beating ourselves up.

We immediately start telling ourselves the story that we are not capable to do XYZ, or that we could never achieve that, or that we don’t measure up. The one thing that happens when we have very clear, specific, measurable goals, and then we create a plan to achieve these goals, is that we start to see the evidence that, ooh, I’m doing it.

Ooh, I’m working on it. Ooh, I’m getting closer. Or you start to recalibrate, which in turn gives you the evidence that you are able to. Again, nobody starts being a genius or starts being 100 percent perfect at anything. We have to practice and going toward our goal It’s just about practicing the things that we need to do to get there.

So that’s a little bit of how that relates, but again, as a tiny habits coach, I will also tell you that the more that we create the right habits, the more that we actually gain in our confidence, because Everything that we’re doing. It’s if it’s habitual, we don’t have to think about it. Like, oh, how do I do this?

And you just know and you grow in the confidence like I know how to do this I’ve done it and I can continue to do it. Yeah, and you know, I’m thinking about confidence in the beginning One of my biggest fears was speaking in public. Like I would shake and people laugh now. They’re like, are you kidding me?

You have a podcast, right? Like you run groups, you speak in public, you go on like speaking engagements. Like that doesn’t make any sense. But the process was so beautiful because I, I would blank out, I would black out, my hands would start to shake. I would totally not remember anything I was going to say.

And then I catch myself like, Oh my gosh, that’s so embarrassing. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Right. And, and so once I realized that I’m going to have to eventually speak to people, right. I’m being called to do something big. And part of that is speaking. I started to follow the little steps of how to get more confident in public.

And one of the things was just learning to say yes. And just being okay with, you know, the freaking out part of like, Oh my gosh, I’m going to do it. You know? And then, you know, I started speaking to three people and then to five people and then, you know, to a group of 10 and slowly I’m getting better and better.

Now at this point, I’m running a podcast for like almost maybe over three years, whatever it is a long time. Right. And I am blown away by how. confidence just grows with action, right? We think I need to be confident first and then I’ll take action, but it’s actually the opposite. It’s take action and then grow confidence.

Absolutely. And you know, I’m so glad that you talked about your own experience because it is not unique to you. Public speaking is something that a lot of individuals really struggle with, and we weren’t born with a microphone in our hands. We have to be able to step out. Consistently show up and what am I going to say?

And there’s a lot of different things. The 1 thing that I tell people when it comes to speaking, creating a podcast, getting out in front of audiences is only you can share what you’re sharing. only you have the unique information and perspective. So if you remind yourself of that, then you can start to think of that nervous feeling as more of an excitement feeling.

And then your brain starts to say, Ooh, I am excited because I am sharing this and then you can start to build that consistent evidence again, that you’ve been doing it, that you’re capable and that you can have not only a valuable message, but that you’re creating an impact and living in your purpose. I love that.

I love that. You know, you were talking about the negative bias and I always tell people. that your brain is wired to tell you what’s wrong, what’s not working. It’s, it’s supposed to be that way, right? Can you imagine you know how like the refrigerator beeps when the door’s left open? Yes, I do that all the time.

Yeah, door is left open, a minute later, refrigerator says, hey, something’s going on, something’s wrong, right? And, It would be so annoying if it did the exact opposite. If every time everything’s okay, your brain would be like, beep, beep, you go crazy. You will go nuts. Right? So your brain is wired to only show you what’s wrong because that’s really what’s happening.

It’s supposed to be pulling your attention, but it’s amazing because then we go and every beep we like, Oh, it just beeped. Oh my gosh. That means everything about me is wrong. Right? And we fall into these like crazy stories that don’t even make sense when in reality there’s like 99 percent of Dora’s fine and everything’s okay.

And I wanted to remind you something’s going on, like, attention please, that’s all. It’s just about putting your attention. Absolutely. You know, one of the things that I tell people is that for us, the discomfort that we are going to feel when we’re trying something new for the first time, it can be that little reminder that Hey, you don’t have to be perfect, but you can step out, take a first step and every time that you’re feeling discomfort, you remind yourself, Hey, that’s the reminder that I need to step out, take a little leap or a step and continue to practice.

But your brain is really susceptible to the messages that you’re sending yourself. And I think that many people don’t stop and say, what am I thinking? We just go in this automation and automated. We go about life, not realizing that the stories that we’re telling ourselves, the belief systems that have been ingrained in us, and also we don’t question what we’re saying to ourselves.

You know, Byron Katie talks about asking yourself, is that true? Is that really true? And really paying attention to these questions when I feel afraid and when I feel like I’m not able to do something, I go back and I sit down and I listen to what I’m saying and oh, my brain is telling me that I’ll never do that.

My brain is telling me that I’m not good enough. My brain is telling me that I failed before and really rewriting the story and reminding yourself that failure is not a bad thing. Number two, that the more that you tell yourself the story and you avoid doing the thing, the harder it is going to become to do the thing.

So take a step, take the plunge. You know, sometimes we make things to be a little harder than they need to be. I remember I loved swimming and this past summer we actually went swimming at a lake with a girlfriend. We were out on a boat And it was late summer and it wasn’t that warm. And I remember thinking, you know what, I don’t think I’m going to swim because it feels really cold in that lake.

It feels really cold. And I thought, wait a minute, I’m out here, it’s summertime, and it’s going to be cold as soon as I get in. But once I get in, it’s going to be okay, because my body is going to start to acclimate to the water. And the same thing when we’re trying something new, take the plunge and be okay.

And by the way, I could have gotten out and I could have covered up with a towel. So there’s always something that you can do after you take that first plunge and recap or recalibrate and then start again. I love that. I love it. And you know, we’re talking about goals, but really we’re talking about what’s behind the goals because the goals themselves are really nice.

We can go and like, you know, set audacious goals and put yourself out there and blah, blah, blah, right? But at the end of the day, if your brain is fighting you and throwing a tantrum and saying, I can’t, you’re not going to be able to do it just because your brain is here to protect you. So it’s really important that we’re going into this because it’s the whole programming behind the scenes.

That’s really going to either allow you to go for your goals or deter you from actually reaching them. So what are your practical steps to actually Creating goals that your brain is going to go along with and how do you make it that your brain doesn’t go, no way. I am not doing that. You know, this is such a good conversation.

I used to pick up goals in life. Because I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing because I was told that’s what you need to do, right? And you go in that direction. The reality is that goals, in order for them to really become personal, they need to be aligned with the vision that you have for yourself.

Number one. So for me, when I pick goals, whether it be personal or whether it be for my business, They really have to do with the identity, with the vision for myself, for the person I want to become, the person that I want to work towards, that’s really important. Your future self is really key in creating the action today.

That’s going to get you there. Your future self is the person that has the wisdom many times, right? I end up avoiding things because again, they’re uncomfortable. I’ll give you an example. I wrote down it was 2016 and I wrote 50 things that I wanted to accomplish in my life and I went down this list.

And by the way, I still have this list. I look at it every so often, but I pick every little thing in there here and there, and I decide this is what I’m working towards. There was one thing in there that said, I want to become a yoga teacher, a certified yoga teacher. And by the way, I hated yoga when I first tried it.

And then I started to practice it in the high achiever in me thought, Oh, I am not perfect at this. I can’t believe this. I need to be perfect. I need to do it just like she’s doing it. The interesting thing about yoga is not about perfection. It is about practicing yoga, about being aware of where you are in this moment, and also noticing that your body doesn’t bend like somebody else’s.

And I love the different analogies that the practice of yoga brings you. But for many years, you know, the The goal or the vision of being a yoga teacher, certified much less, was something that was really far away. Until one day I thought, huh, I have this goal. I’ve talked about being a yoga teacher and it’s not because I want to teach at a studio or anything else, but it’s really just for the satisfaction that knowing that I’ve embraced the practice, that I know about it, that I can do it safely for myself and share it with others if I need to, right?

So what did I need to do? So then you start to break down the vision of the person who is a yoga teacher. How do you break it down, right? And then I created a timeline. Well, before the end of 2019, I want to be certified. And then you start looking at how can you and what are the things that you need to do.

So when I have a goal that is aligned to my vision, right, my long term vision, whether it be in a year from now, three years, five, 10, whatever it is, then I come up and I start to write all of the possible things that I need to do to actually achieve that goal. Well, let’s see, I need to practice more often.

So I’m in better shape. I need to find the right program for me. I need to go ahead and read about it. I need to sign up for the program. All of these things. Once I knew everything that it was going to take, then you start to do the actions you do, you know, Goals are outcomes for us. Actions are the things that push you to those, to those outcomes.

So it’s important to, number one, also when you start to do these actions, do a checklist. Did I do it? And you’re not doing it because you want to grade yourself. But you want to make sure that you are checking and collaborating with yourself to say, am I getting to where I need to? Because if you don’t measure your progress, you’re not going to know if you need to recalibrate.

You’re not going to know if you need to change your timeline. You’re not going to know where you are in the process. And this is where people really get lost. They don’t write their goals. They don’t measure their progress toward their goals. And then if they’re not getting closer, then they shut down because they say, Oh, forget it.

I’m not doing it. Instead of recalibrating instead of course correcting when we’re using a GPS and we make a wrong turn. We don’t say, Oh, forget it. I’m never going to get there. No, we make the U turn. The same thing applies when you’re trying to achieve a goal. You need to keep looking. Am I going in the right direction?

Okay. It’s 5 miles away. All right, it’s three miles away. Wow, you know what? I’ve hit traffic and these three miles are gonna take forever. Then you tell the people that you’re meeting, hey, it’s gonna take me half hour rather than two minutes, right? Those are the things that are really key in creating our goals.

And by the way, that’s how I was able to achieve that. And every single thing that I’ve been able to do for myself is because Vision creates your goals, which create the daily action or weekly action and the timeline in which you’re going to achieve these goals. So that’s incredibly important to start off.

Yeah. What are you going to say to those people who are listening to you going overwhelm overload like you just said a lot of words. That feel way beyond something I can do because I feel like a lot of women are overachievers when they start, somehow you get married and have kids and you lose yourself in the process and your confidence goes so low that you’re not even on the list of taking care of, right?

You’re like taking care of everyone else but yourself. Then eventually you like sort of have to be forced to climb up out of that because you know, if you don’t take care of yourself, who’s going to take care of everyone else? And so you start doing it for them. And I feel like at a certain point you sort of climb back up and find yourself hopefully, and now you’re trying to get somewhere.

And the, Just the thought of having to create all these, you know, big things, big dreams, big goals, big to do lists. It feels a little bit over the top for people who are already overwhelmed. Yeah, absolutely. You know, my clients are not any different from the person that you are describing. I am not any different from the person that you are describing.

We have to normalize that when we are seeing someone achieve what we want or what we think it would be really cool for us to do. It’s not that there are any better people out there. It’s not that they’re any more talented. It’s not that they worked harder. It’s about consistency. The first thing, too, that I want to tell people that are overwhelmed is that if you want to bite an elephant and swallow it whole, you’re not going to be able to do that.

You need to eat that elephant one bite at a time. My husband says this all the time, and it’s true. We have to break it down into smaller doable things. So, for instance, when I decided that I wanted to try to be a yoga teacher. I went from someone who was not working out at all, from someone that was not moving her body at all, from someone that had a schedule that I used to travel.

I live in Connecticut now, but I used to travel into New York City for my job. I was there two, three days out of the week. And then when I got home, I had. I had a house, a husband, a house, volunteering work to do, still had to do my job. So there were a lot of different things. The one thing that I want to tell you is that you have a vision and then you have a goal.

The first thing that you’re going to decide is what is the priority for us? What is the priority for you? Because when you say yes, to one thing, you’re going to say no to something else. And when we think we do it all can be part of the overwhelming feeling that we have. I have to show up for my husband.

I have to clean my house. I have to build a business. I have to go ahead and, you know, be the best auntie ever. I have to be the best person for my clients. I have to volunteer when I want to do it all. I’m not going to do it all well, and I’m going to drain myself. So number one, this is why it’s important to decide what your vision is.

And number two, really align with, is it important enough for you that you are going to prioritize it? So for instance, for me, because that was important, I wanted to become that person. I started to prioritize. Well, what does that mean? Well, it means that In the days that I’m in New York City, and I am exhausted because I drove there early in the morning, and I have an early day the next day, I’m still going to go to a yoga class.

And starting to do some small, small steps, and this is why I love Tiny Habits, because Tiny Habits is the way in which we are able to create that small movement in the right direction. One of the things when it comes to behavior design right now, we’re going to talk a little more in depth. Our brain is going to think that we need to be motivated to do the hard stuff.

When I feel motivated, I’m going to go to the gym. When I feel motivated, I’ll clean my house. When I feel motivated. Whatever. But guess what? Motivation is not the key to getting you to do things. Motivation, if something is really hard, you’re going to have maybe the motivation to go to the gym January 1st, 2nd, because you’re like, Oh my gosh, new year, new me.

I’m going to go. But come March, you’re like, Oh my God, I have to go to the gym. Well, you know what? I have to get myself to work. I have to do this. So your priorities have shifted, right? The things that are important to you have shifted. So now that motivation that got you to the gym first thing in the morning or whenever in the beginning of the year is not there to help you.

So this is how we fall behind. So what I encourage individuals is if you’re sitting around and you have a vision and then you have like, I want to accomplish this. And then you’re seeing everything that you’re doing for your job, everything that you’re doing for everybody else, then start to ask yourself, Where can I do maybe 5 minutes go around the block?

Maybe rather than having a bunch of pizza for dinner, I’m going to have a slice of pizza and a salad, right? Something small so that you couldn’t create these small, tiny actions, then then add up to something else, but really don’t go big. Go small, go tiny, decide what is doable, and decide what’s important enough for you to say yes to while saying no to something else.

Mm. Oh, wow. So this is amazing because a lot of the people I know are doing things and setting goals because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I know my daughter was saying she wants to stay in the highest level math because she wants to make sure that she is where she’s supposed to be.

And then when it’s hard for her and she’s having, you know, like really. The actual battle isn’t, can I do the math? Cause of course she can, it’s hard, but she can, it’s is it okay? If should I, you know, because I was doing it cause I had to, cause I felt like I needed to, and those are the things that are really, in my opinion, the stumbling blocks, right?

Like the obstacles to your success are should, and supposed to, And I need to write all those things. We say to ourselves, I’m supposed to make more money at this stage of my business. I’m supposed to have more clients. I’m supposed to, you know, be more famous than I am already. I’m supposed to, you know, have more of a following, all these things.

And then the pressure comes in and then you’re doing your business from a place of icky energy. And. That’s what’s going to really bite you, right? Because at the end of the day, when you go for the stuff that actually matters, it ends up sticking because it matters to you, but we don’t give ourselves a permission to go for the things that matter because.

There’s other things that are supposed to be more important. Yeah, I totally agree with you. And I think that this is exactly, when we go wrong in our lives, we should ourselves, we believe in the could have, we do all of these things really because We want to fit in that is a desire that every human being has.

We want to go ahead and be a part of the world of the community. And we think that when we are saying, no, or when we don’t do the things that other people are doing, that And by the way, you know, we all heard our mom say, are you going to jump off the bridge because your friends are doing so?

There’s still a level of that as we get older. We’re going to see the nicely curated pictures on Instagram that someone has and think, wow, my house doesn’t live up to that. And by the way, I can tell you that when you see a picture of me and that it looks nicely curated, yeah, there’s probably nicely curated, but I probably have a closet that’s a mess.

I probably haven’t even gotten around to scrubbing my bathtub this week. So there’s always a level in which perfection is not going to live in what I’m doing. Oh, yes. We need to be okay. That there’s no such thing as perfect because what we are choosing is what matters and if we don’t prioritize.

Our priorities are set whether or not we see them or not. If you look at your calendar and you look through, what are you doing? How are you spending your days? You’re going to see what’s important to you. What is your priority? And therefore, if you, you know, are looking to, I’m going to volunteer because all my friends volunteer.

I’m going to go ahead and cook just cook the meals that my friends make. No, do it because it’s meaningful to you. Do it because that’s what matters to you. It doesn’t matter what’s going on outside of you. Yes. I love that we’re bringing in perfection and comparison because those are two main things that really, really get in the way.

So I have to tell you, I, in my nature, I’m a total perfectionist. I think all of us overachiever, extraordinary type women are the types that just want to have it all just perfectly right. And it needs to be, you know, and it’s all or nothing, right? It’s like, there’s no point of doing it if I’m not going to do it right.

And And we hold ourselves back from a lot of things that could be super fun or super interesting, or maybe I could play with this a little, but no, it’s not good enough. And then we also, you know, stress over something that could have taken an hour and maybe ended up taking three because we had to make it just right.

And we had to Google it and then we had to watch a YouTube video about how to make it even perfect, right? Oh my gosh, all the time. That happens so much. Yeah, right. Especially when we’re building a business, you think that it needs to be perfect. And this is what really gets in the way because honestly, the only reason why I have been able to succeed is my Willingness to do things imperfectly, right?

And I, and you’re saying like, you know, practice, practice, practice, new confidence is going to grow. And then you’re going to start doing things a hundred percent. There’s never a hundred percent. I’m doing these podcasts and I’m messing up and I’m making up words and I’m having my fun and, you know, I am just doing it.

Messy and I think that that’s the secret. The secret is first of all pick the goals that are yours and not someone else’s Right. That was step one hundred percent Then step two was be willing to do it messy b minus work, you know And it’s hard it hurts when you’re a perfectionist and someone tells you Oh, just do a messy.

You’re like, you don’t understand, but in reality, I do. First of all, I do understand. I’m a total perfectionist and you know, in my previous life, I was a graphic designer for 15 years. So could you imagine being a graphic designer and having to send something to print? I would look through it like I like comb it through and find all the mistakes.

I could see an extra space without being told there’s an extra space, right? Like that’s how I believe it that’s how intense it is because your eyes pick up on everything. And then you have to change the narrative. Like you were talking about before with fire and Katie and asking the questions, just changing the story about, does this actually matter?

Is this going to really move the needle? Right? The first hour of designing the thing, I can really see how it’s moving the needle. I’m creating something, but then the next two hours of perfecting it. is not moving the needle at all. It’s actually holding me back from pressing send, right? Yep, absolutely.

The moment I was able to internalize that and just give myself permission to do things the way they need to be done. So we could just move forward. It changed my entire way of functioning as a business owner. Right. And it opens up doors for you.

  Hey, before we continue the episode, I want to ask you something. Are you ready to get answers from God directly? Feel more in love with your husband and more supported than ever? Run the business of your dreams without having to sacrifice any other part of your life? That is exactly what my one on one private coaching is for and I want to invite you, just you and me, for a free deep dive discovery call.

This is a 60 minute free call where I ask you lots of questions and we extract the three main things that are holding you back. I then put together a personalized plan for you where I create a roadmap of recommendations with practical steps. The call is free and so valuable in itself, so go book yours today.

Now back to the show.

  Yeah. I have to tell you that one of the biggest enlightening things that I found out about myself being a perfectionist and a high achiever is that.

The reason I was looking to be perfect at things is because I was afraid of failing. And the reality is that if you don’t even take a step to try, You’re going to fail. I see so many women that have an incredible dream, that have the passion to serve others and have amazing gifts, but they sit on the sidelines because they’re waiting for the perfect time.

They’re waiting to, have this thing. They’re waiting to know it all. You know how many people I see, and by the way, this was one of the mistakes I made in my business in the very beginning. Anyway. I wanted to, before I got clients, I’m going to go and learn everything. I’m going to go learn. I’m going to know how to do it.

And then when I know how to do it, I will tell people. Right. I will get a client. I will do the thing. I will put my course out there. I will have my offer out. The reality is that you’re not going to know how successful your offer, your course, your program, how, Good, you’re in the right direction, unless you’re putting it out there, unless you find if there really is a market for this, if really this is what people need.

If you’re teaching the things that make a transformation, the same way in which for so many of us we avoid putting it out there because we are afraid of being a flop. I want to remind you of Amazon. How many of us remember the Amazon phone or the Amazon phone service? How many of us remember, I mean, you can go in and Google all of the defunct programs and services that Amazon has launched?

Amazon has a thing in which they want to fail, fail fast, and they are always iterating. And guess what? They don’t stop themselves from putting out there something that sometimes it’s embraced, and it’s successful, and sometimes it’s a flop. But the reality is that the more that they put themselves out there, the more successful they become.

If they waited for the right time, if they waited for the right circumstances, if they waited to have all their ducks in a row, nothing, nothing gets done. And we really have to go back and say, You know what? I’m doing it imperfectly. I am doing it because I’m practicing at doing this. The more that I talk to people, the more that I’m going to figure out what they want, as opposed to learning about what the people may want from somebody else who may not be exactly the person that my people are looking to work with.

That’s incredibly important. I love it. I love it. There is a book that came out recently. It’s called Hurry Up and Fail by Dave Mason. It is so funny. Dave Mason is one of those people who writes books in order to get really deep into a concept. And he tells stories so well, and he’s able to really be funny in a book.

It’s like just his copyright page is hysterical, right? It’s worth, it’s worth looking into. Okay. It’s on Amazon. Go check it out. I’m going to have to go check it out. It sounds amazing. It’s great. Hurry up and fail. And I was in that course, him and his wife, they gave a course. All about, you know, dream, design, manifest, how to create dreams and, you know, really go after what you’re being called to do and whatever.

And it was a great course. And in that course, one of the bonuses was like this business talk that he gave. And in it, he was talking about how important it is to go and fail. And that’s when he came up with hurry up and fail. And he said, that’s genius. We should use that name as the book.

I was there. I was so proud of myself that I was like, I remember that moment. And it’s all about the fact that actually, you know, like that book, Go For No, same concept, right? Oh, same thing. Same thing. If you, if you have a quota of how many no’s you have to get, you’re eventually going to get a yes.

But if you have a quota of how many yeses you need to get, the pressure’s on and your brain starts going in loops and stories and things and, you know, self sabotage and like, oh, it’s too much for me. Right. So actually going for the failure is what’s going to keep you from failing. Absolutely. Absolutely.

It’s going to get you in really good shape. Yeah. One of the first things one of the coaches that I worked with early on as an entrepreneur, again, perfectionist, and again, wanting to do it right. I started to, you know, definitely put my offers out there in perfectly because he encouraged me to. And when I started to get no’s, I was devastated.

I’m like, nobody wants me. Nobody wants to work with me. Maybe I’m terrible. No, I don’t belong. I’ll never make it. Right. Whatever it is that you’re telling yourself, all of these things were coming up for me. And then I didn’t want to ask people anymore to work with me because I didn’t want to hear the rejection.

I was also making it mean that I was not the person. Good enough that what I had to offer was not what people wanted. Guess what? It is not about me at all. It is about where that person is. So he actually gave me a challenge. He said, I want you to go out and get a hundred nos. A hundred no’s, and I thought, you gotta be kidding me.

He’s like, yep, I want you to get a lot of no’s for your business, a lot of no’s for your programs, a lot of no’s for what you do. And the next thing that happened is that I was going for the no, but what ended up happening, like you said, I had people say, wait a minute, I do want that. I do need that. And those are your people.

Those are your people. Because they’re willing to say yes to you, because what you have done or what you offer and what you’re doing is what they want. They’re ready to get in there and they’re looking for that transformation. They’re not looking for, you know, how many courses did you take to get better at this?

How many? Things have you, you know, certifications. And by the way, that was my other thing. In the very beginning, I kept going certification after certification because it was easier to go and feel myself competent because of the certifications I had. Instead of saying, I know what I’m talking about. I mean, I built million dollar business lines for the companies that I worked for incredibly successful.

But yet, when it came to building my own business, there was so much doubt, that I needed to feel like I’m going to be validated. by these certifications. Stop taking the course. Stop buying the things. Stop downloading the freebies. There’s going to be lots of really valuable stuff, but when you find yourself downloading more freebies or chasing more things than what you are actually talking to people about what you do and how you can help them, then you know that you are in the wrong direction, my friend.

You’re not going to hit your goals. I have a client that came to me and every week for the first couple months that she worked with me, every time I logged into Facebook, I would go into these Facebook women business groups and every time someone posted, hey, I have this thing. I have this. She was always answering.

I can do it. I would like to send me that thing. And I said to her, I want you to spend two weeks not answering any of these posts, not downloading anything, not going after the same thing, because we have to have tunnel vision, tunnel vision. If that’s your goal over there, people are going to be all along the way and you’re going to be, you know, stopping, changing directions.

You’re never going to go in the direction that you want. So it becomes harder and harder to get to where you’re going. Yes. You know, you’re talking about the certifications and how we have to know it all before we start the business and whatever I’m thinking of how we were before we got married. You think like, Oh, I’m totally not going to be like those wives.

I am so different. And I’m like, you know, and I’m this and that, like you have this imaginary product in your mind. That’s the perfect thing. And it’s going to work and everybody’s going to buy it. Yeah. Right. And then you get married and you’re like, wah, wah, wah, no way. Everything I thought, like the balloon pops in your face.

Right. Because it’s nice that in your head, things look very nice, but in reality, you’re dealing with other people and you have to be able to be flexible and be, you know, in that space of maybe it’s. Collaboration, right? Like the ability to play the game back and forth as opposed to just think that it’s all has to come from you.

It’s so, it’s so important, right? And how much of a failure do we feel when things aren’t going the way we imagined in our business, in our marriage and anything? Because as you said, it’s entangled in our identity, right? It’s like if you work for someone else, it’s their job, it’s their business, whatever, you’re just doing the work.

Great. You can do whatever you want because it doesn’t mean anything about you. But as soon as. You have your own business. As soon as you have your own marriage, as soon as you’re doing the thing, suddenly it’s like, Oh, this means I’m a terrible wife. Oh, this means I can’t do it. Oh, this means I’m incapable.

Like leave it alone. Stop it. Yeah. I had a friend when I first got married and I was still commuting into New York city. I had a friend come over and they, a couple of friends came over for dinner and they walked into my house and they’re like, how do you do it all? Because I had just finished volunteering.

I had been traveling. You know, my husband and I were kind of joking around holding hands and then my house was immaculate. And how do you do it all? And I remember thinking, oh, look at me. I do it all. And then I thought, no, I don’t do it all. And I said, I don’t do it all. I had someone who helped me come and clean my house because I did not have the time to do that.

Because I was traveling, I wanted to volunteer, and I also wanted to prioritize having time with my husband. And, you know, vacuuming the floors was not something that I really wanted to spend my time in. So you need to find the people that are going to help you, not because you’re not capable and it doesn’t mean anything bad about you because you’re asking for help.

It just means that. You are prioritizing what matters to you, and you are saying yes to the things that in this moment are the things that matter for you. And that’s the direction that we have to go. Now, fast forward, right? A couple of weeks ago, I was going away for the weekend with the same girlfriend.

And she came to pick me up and I wouldn’t let her in the house. She’s like, what do you mean? I can’t come inside. I’m like, no, my house is a mess. And really she came in and she’s looking around and she’s like, what do you mean your house is a mess? Well, in my eyes, I had not vacuumed.

The windows were, you know, not great. I had dirty dishes in the sink. But the reality is that what we measure up to be imperfect, what we see as the things that need to like be a hundred percent, sometimes they don’t in the scheme of things matter. If you are a wife and you’re spending time with your kids, if you’re spending time with your husband and yes, there are areas of your home that are not a hundred percent, give yourself the compassion and grace you would give somebody else.

Because we can’t do it all and this is how people burn out as entrepreneurs. This is how people end up, you know, giving up as entrepreneurs because they think that they need to do it all. You don’t. You don’t do it all. And you decide what am I doing today that makes me go in the direction of what I want.

And there’s times in which, by the way. Good luck to you, husband. Make yourself some dinner because I am working on this. I am saying yes to what I’m doing right now in my business. When I was writing my book, I did not cook a lot. I’m like, good luck to you. See you later. Right? Also, by the way, I am someone that really was great at staying up to all hours and waking up late, but when I was writing a book, I had to say no to staying up to all hours.

I had to give myself additional time, and the only time that I had is the time in the morning. Before things started and that’s how I wrote it. I said yes to waking up early and writing then So these are the things that you really need to focus on. Yes. Oh my gosh You’re talking about delegation and you know, letting people help you letting things on your own your own to do list And you know when I had a hard time with delegation in the beginning I was told by one of my coaches, Rebecca Saltzman, she said, make a list of all the things and then, separate them by only I can do this and someone else can do this too.

And I was thinking, you know, only I can do. Wife things, right? Like only I can show up and be with my husband and spend time with him and give him, you know, eye to eye. I don’t want anybody else doing that. Right. So that’s going to be a priority for me because I’m not willing to give that up. And same with spending time with my kids and, you know, all sorts of things like my clients too.

You know, people tell me, Oh, just get a co coach and just let them do all the work. Like, no, no, it’s okay. I really, really like what I do. And this is why they pay me because of my superpowers. But I don’t have to be the one to make the food, or I don’t have to be the one to clean, or I don’t have to be the one to do the laundry, or I don’t have to do right.

And so you start to see things that you can actually learn. Allow others to help you with. And guess what? Those are the places where magic happens because, Oh, it’s so uncomfortable. Someone else is going to touch my stuff or whatever. It’s actually pushes you to the next level of allowing other people to be a part of your life.

Right. And belonging. to you is a bigger deal than you think, right? Especially like, you know, now my teenagers are doing a lot of the laundry. And by the way, that’s a lesson to them. Every time you say yes, to somebody else helping you. You’re also giving to them either the experience or you’re employing someone that needs this job.

And we, we think again, we, it’s a badge of honor to do it all. Right? No, it’s not selfish to do it all. It is selfish. Yeah. The way I grew the most is hiring my assistant. First of all, it made me feel so good that I can create jobs, right. That I can give someone else a job and that they can grow and work.

And it’s amazing cause it empowers someone else and it gives her the ability to feel like, yeah, I can do this. Right. And it. freed me up to do more of what I can do and only I can do. So as soon as you get really clear on what you can do and what other people can help you with, you start to realize that, oh, there is so much space to do so much more because I’m not wasting all of my energy on the things that I can’t really do well.

Yeah. So I launched my business in full time In March of 2020 and throughout the summer, I was growing doing and I had maybe 1 or 2 clients, but certainly not making a lot of money. And I said to my husband, I’m hiring a VA, I’m hiring an assistant. And he’s like, what? No, we can’t afford that.

We’re not making enough money when you’re well. And I said, no, this is how I ran businesses before we would go into a new territory. And we were going to have a contract with this school district, but before that school district paid us. Before we actually got, running profitably in the black, we had to go into the red and make the investment to hire the staff to run the programs and run them well.

Right. And that’s exactly what happened. The time that I brought out that first assistant, and by the way, she came in for a minimal of five hours, five hours. And it was a sacrifice, but I did it because I knew that if I were sitting in Canva trying to figure out or I was trying to schedule things, that’s not my Sona genius.

I mean, I can figure it out. Yes, we can all figure it out, but why, why if you have somebody else that that’s their Sona genius, by the way, with my podcast, I could figure out how to edit the audio. Sure. I could. But why? My husband does it. He loves it. He’s great at it. It takes him less time than it would take me to even figure out what to do.

So be willing to say yes to the people who are around you ready to help. To the people that maybe want to help or need to help because that’s they’re also growing. And stepping out of the comfort zone for sure too. I love it. I love it. Okay, let’s bring it back to goals so that we don’t, you know, pretend that we went off track here.

Everything is all so related and it’s so easy for us to bring in all these different things because at the end of the day, you know, You know, when you’re sitting down to pick a goal, the first thing you do is you look around, you want to see what other people are doing. Don’t do that. You know, take a deep breath, get into yourself, get into your body, get into your values, get into your vision.

You know, I love to do that meditation where you go and meet your future self. It’s so helpful. As soon as you see your future self, or even I have a meditation called your millionaire me, right? It’s so powerful. You meet her and you see what she’s wearing and you see what she’s doing and you see what she’s thinking and you see what she’s saying.

And you’re like, wow, that’s crazy. Like, how did that become that? And then you just ask her like, what do I need to do? Right? Julie 2. 0 is probably one of the wisest women I know today. Why? Because she did the work and she tells me, Hey, this is what I did. These are the things that I connected with and really it’s not a selfish thing to take some time.

And even if you, if it means getting up half hour earlier before your kids, or maybe your husband is going to bed and you’re going to take half an hour and decide, okay, what do I want for the end of the month? How do I want to feel about the things that I have accomplished and what are the things that I want to accomplish and then list every single thing. that I have to do. And here’s the other thing that people don’t do, by the way.

When I have a goal and I list all of the things that I need to do, I go back and I actually calendar some of them. Because if I say, I have to, like, for instance, one of the things that I do is I contribute to several different publications for magazines. Now, That is part of the tactics that I do to continue to grow my brand, right?

That’s a goal overall. Well, if I say I’m going to write an article and then at the end of the week, I’m like, Oh, I didn’t write that article. I can’t believe it. Why? Because life happens. You have emergencies, you have things happening. Your internet goes out, whatever it might be. But if I go in and I say, hey, on Friday afternoons at 1 PM, that’s my writing time.

Then as things start to pop up, then I can say, oh, you know what? I’m not going to be able to do that at 1 o’clock on Friday. Where can I do it? Or at the end of the week? And by the way, today is Sunday. This is typically when I go in, I do it in the evening. I go in and I look at my week. What did I do? Did I do the things that I?

wanted to. And I give myself a grade, not because I want to feel good or I want to make myself feel bad, but because I want to calibrate. That grade is only about data. It’s only about telling me where I am at this point. If I had set out to do 10 things and I only did five, I’m at a 50 percent, which means that I cannot expect that I’m going to hit the goal at 100 percent if my effort is only 50%.

Look at your calendar. Your calendar is your friend. Your calendar is the thing that will help you. It is, it is honestly my best friend. When it comes to business, if there is 1 tool that you said, you can’t use anymore and to run your business. And you still told me I couldn’t run my calendar. I would be lost because and for those people who are listening and more like me, if you told me.

15 years ago that I would live by a calendar. And yes, I had a calendar in corporate America. I did it, but I felt it was so restricting. Oh, I don’t want to calendar things. I just want to be spontaneous. My friends, your calendar gives you freedom. Yeah. Be willing to put things in writing because when you put them in writing also, they’re real.

As opposed to wishing, Oh, I wish I’m going to have time to work out. Oh, I wish I’m going to have time to eat healthy. No, put it in your calendar that you’re going to do your food prep for the week. When are you fitting into things that move the needle in the right direction, put it in your calendar.

And then guess what? Find the people that can hold you accountable. Find the people, and this is why I love having a coach. And I help others and you help others and and this is why we do this. It is not about a badge of honor again, because we’ve done it. We’ve done it by ourselves. No, it is about having the accountability of someone saying, hey, didn’t just say you were going to work out today.

Oh, I didn’t put it on my calendar. Well, when are you going to put it in your calendar? Hey, why don’t you text me next time you go for a walk and I will text you. Right. These are the things that move you forward. Yes. So I love what you said about the calendar and then, you know, we’re running out of time.

So we’re going to have to close it up. But the calendar point is a really big one. Number one is you have to plan your week ahead of time. So I do this on Saturday night. I will sit down and look at the whole week, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So I don’t even plan it.

And I put in writing on paper, everything that’s on my phone, right? So everything’s computerized, but I need to process it in my brain and with my hand. And then once I see it in writing, I have like a square at the bottom or like a, space at the bottom where I leave for to do things, right?

So things that have to be done that aren’t on the calendar, right? So, you know, schedule this thing, do this thing, you know, design this thing, whatever. And when I do it, I cross it off, I love crossing out. I will actually write something in just to cross it off. Right. Now, one of the things that I love that you’re saying is not only are you planning your weeks, but you’re also going back at the end of the week and looking at what just happened.

And, you know, for me, I had weeks where you know, because I’m batching now, The, the podcasts I have weeks where I have nine podcasts in one week, right? I am recording back to back with all these amazing people and i’m having so much fun It’s also why if you’re watching on youtube, you’ll see i’m wearing pretty much the same clothes all the time Because I have decided i’m not going to be a perfectionist about it and i’m just not gonna know, pretend I’m very real.

I’m very authentic. This is, and I’m telling you all what I’m doing. I am, batching and this is so much fun. So then I have. The data that shows me, yes these are all things that actually happened. Right. And also I write down my self care stuff. Like when I do yoga, when I go to learning, when I go to water exercise, whatever it is that I do for myself, I write it down and I put a little, mark that it’s for me so that I actually see that I’m spending a balanced amount of time on my schedule and and then you see that all the things that you wrote at the bottom you crossed off. If anything, you didn’t cross off. I circle and I moved to next week and I make sure that things don’t fall between the seats. And I love that you’re saying you go back and give yourself a break.

I’ve never done that before. I’ve only just, you know, sort of counted and gave herself like data points, like nine podcasts and three times of whatever, you know, but I think that’s really cool, but you can only do that if you plan, right? You can’t you can’t just look at a week. Randomly and say, okay, so how did I do?

Well, I have no idea. What was the goal? Right? Was your goal to chill out and be on vacation? Or was your goal to work? Right? My dad used to say the key to life was the five Ps. Perfect previous planning prevents problems. And I used to roll my eyes at that, but honestly, that’s exactly what has helped me live the life of my dreams, go in the direction that I wanted, craft the existence that I want.

And by the way, not there, not perfect. It’s a work in progress, and it’s not about a destination that I will someday reach. It is about the journey that I am on. Every. Single. Day. We have an opportunity to start all over. I just heard Ed Milet, and I actually talked about it on my podcast this week, in which people ask him, well, how do you get so much done?

And he said, well, at noon, because I get up around six. I go back and I see what I’ve accomplished between 6 a. m. and noon, so I have those 6 hours that typically that’s what people work and actually what people used to get stuff done. I’ve lived maybe 2 days in 1 day. And that’s because he is checking what did I accomplish?

What have I done? And by the way, Gretchen Rubin taught me this, and I love it. I don’t make a to do list anymore for myself. I make a to da list in which like, ta da, I got it done, right? Make yourself a list. feel good. I said your brain only changes when you feel good. So every time you’re looking at your list saying I didn’t do it.

Oh, I’m terrible. Look at me. Oh, right. You’re telling your brain you’re not good enough. You’re telling brain don’t do it. But if you say look, I actually said I was going to drink my whole glass of water today and I did it. Yeah, right. Find the one thing that you did. Find the one thing to be grateful for.

Measure your progress and celebrate it because that celebration is what will keep you inspired, what will keep you connected. And anytime that you feel like, I don’t know, I don’t know if I can do this, sit down, take a breath and connect again to that future self. What did you do? What did you do? How did you do it?

Who helped you? Ask the right questions and you will find the right answers. Yes, I love that you say that, you know, one of the things that I really see that has changed in the way that I do things is that I stopped writing the things that I want to do and sort of hope to do, but not really plan to do.

And then I just sit there forever and they just go from week to week. I’m like, no, no, no, no. We’re only writing down the things that have to get done, that if they don’t get done, then we are in big trouble. And so you end up having like. you know, a list of three things that have to happen this week and then you get them done.

You feel so good and there’s nothing left on your page. But if, you know, in the past I would have lists and lists of like wishful thinking, forget about it. That’s not happening. It’s not happening. I mean, it’s okay to dream, but a dream with a plan is actually a goal. Right. I love it. So, Julie, tell us how people can find you, how they can work with you.

What do you do? All right. Well, if you want to grow your business, if you want to launch a podcast, if you want to grow your brand and get clients from speaking or your podcast, and you need the right strategy and habits, you can contact me and Julie DeLuca Collins on all of the social media platforms.

You can also, if you want to learn how to Learn what sabotages you or how to create the tiny habits that will help you achieve your goals. You can go to go confidently coaching. com forward slash quick links and you can either download the quiz to see what sabotages you or you can sign up for the tiny habits coaching program.

It’s a five day program. It’s free. Nobody tries to sell you anything, but I just want to make sure that I can help people individually learn how to create the right habits daily. That will help them reach the goals and live the life they imagined. So those are the best ways to reach me. I love it. I love it.

Thank you so much for being my guest. This was fascinating. Thank you so much, my friend. I am so excited that we had some time together. It’s so great to see you again. Yes, I don’t want it to end, but I have to, and to you listeners, I just want to thank you for listening all the way to the end and for being with us and for your grace at listening to this in December when we actually recorded in March.

Who knows? But this has been really, really fun, and I hope that you continue to listen. Come back next week for more amazing episodes, and don’t forget to stay connected for real.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.