Why is it so scary to say it?
Why are we all so ashamed of facing our deepest “why”?
I WANT TO DO RETZON HASHEM! I do. I am here to serve Hashem. I’m most in the flow, and feeling my best, when I tap into what Hashem wants from me.
When I’m present with Hashem, when I stop fighting reality! When I’m connected, the greatest fear is overcomeable! (is that a word I just made up?)
When I’m with Hashem, Hashem is with me, and I can do anything!!!
So why, during yesterday’s mastermind meeting of ten religious women, when asked to find our deepest why, I felt a bit embarrassed or apologetic about saying it at loud?
Let me take you back to two weeks ago when I sat down with my business coach. She did to me exactly what I do to my clients. She asked me to niche down. “From all the clients you had, what specific issues are you solving, and what do you want to focus on?”
It was hard to come to peace with the thought of specifying. The second I get specific, I won’t be helping EVERYONE… And I can help everyone so why limit that? Don’t worry, I come from the business world. I’ve been a graphic designer for 15 years, I became a very specific expert in the field of package design for lines of products. I know I can design anything, but I know the more specific I get, and the more I lean into my genius, the more I can actually serve my clients. So she is right, and I’m game, but I’m being honest, I felt resistance anyway.
I went along with the exercise. “Most of my clients come to me because they want to fix their husband” I said. “We all believe that if he would just be this or that, then we would finally be free to do this and that”. I do that too! It’s the way our brain is wired so we don’t have to work hard!
As the words came out of my mouth, I said: “That’s catchy! “FIX YOUR HUSBAND in one session” and my coach laughed.
“Fix Your Husband in 90 Minutes!”
I was so excited! I spent two days testing out the idea, I ran it by a bunch of friends and posted in some groups. It pretty much exploded – and not in a good way. Aside from the questions for clarification, some cute jokes and a bunch of neutral advice, I got some nasty comments and private messages. It pushed me to think why I wasn’t being authentic with my messaging.
I was so frustrated. It was hard to think honestly at that point because I was so in it. I spent a whole week working on the language (READ: forcing it to fit), trying to find my voice, wishing I could just outsource it to a copyrighter and get it done with. (I’m glad I didn’t because the process was priceless).
Eventually I gave up the “fix it” bit. I surrendered to the overwhelming push against it. I relaxed a bit, put my guard down and built a landing page on my website where people can sign up to work with me.
Back to yesterday, and why I’m here at 5am typing.
I want to share with you what I’ve learned because it’s so loud in my head I can’t sleep!
1. We are scared! We rather hide than put our why’s out there.
Our “Why”s are deep. In Hebrew we say it’s our “bifnocho” (“insides” – not proper Hebrew, more like a made up kid’s word that explains it best)
2. My husband thinks it’s funny!
A friend pointed out that it’s funny to us because our marriage is healthy. “Maybe those who reacted badly to it felt triggered in some way?” She suggested. Hearing that from an outsider made me appreciate how far I’ve come! I’ve been working and apparently it’s working! So why not celebrate that? YAY to a loving and supportive husband!
3. To my audience, “Fix your husband” feels wrong.
“I’m just trying to use their language! If I don’t use their language I wouldn’t get them to come!” I thought.
Well, I was wrong! Now that I am finally aligned again, I can realign to my belief in the women I serve. They don’t want “fix your husband” they want the higher road!
(Side note to those interested, my goyish friends didn’t have such push back!)
4. I was running away from the real message because I was afraid it would sound too… Rebbetzin-y.
I was subconsciously running away from my authentic voice because it was scary. It’s way safer to use catchy phrases, stay with the masses, not have to show your true colours… be like everyone else!
It took me this long (It’s only been two week!) to figure out that I don’t have to be afraid. (Thanks to Azriela Jankovic who ran the magnificent intensive mastermind group that focused on our “why” and addressed the huge FEAR. “My why is bigger than my fear”)
My real, vulnerable, authentic, scared-to-the-core show-you-my-insides message is:
I want to help you connect to Hashem. I want you to get in touch with Retzon Hashem! Stop using your husband as an excuse! Go do what you are meant to do in this world! Lean into you marriage because it’s no longer a competition! You husband is not holding you back and keeping you small, you are! You are scared! I’m here to free you and say loud and clear: You can be both successful and happily married!
You can go for your dreams and also support your husband’s dreams! (and actually, from experience, It’s not only fine, It ends up empowering your husband to fly-high with his Retzon Hashem.) It took me way longer to learn that with my own marriage, than it took me to put it into words for a sales page.
Send me your thoughts, I’m still processing… 🙂
Lots of love from Israel,
Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman