37. Self-Love & Marriage with Tamar Field-Gersh

March 9, 2022

In This Episode

Tamar Field-Gersh is a life coach who talks about self-love and how it affects marriage. By knowing ourselves and loving ourselves, we know we can do better for others, especially our husbands.

Highlights

00:50 Tamar Field-Gersh is a life coach who works with women and brings out their self-love.

04:09 We often have a difficult time loving ourselves and being okay with who we are but Tamar reassures us that we should be loving ourselves every day, just as we do others. When we work on ourselves and love ourselves more, we can love others even better.

09:03 You would not call your friend the “harsh” things you tell yourself. Our dialogue with ourselves is the juice of life and this where our lives can take a different turn. The moment you take responsibility to love yourself, especially with your marriage, you learn to decide to make yourself happy.

14:13 The Want Match is done in Tamar’s program, where you sit down and write out the different things you want in your marriage.

16:04 There is a difference between demanding and asking in marriage.

22:15 If you want a good life, you be the good one. You don’t have to change. When you are consciously deciding for yourself, to stay married and committed, you are choosing to be good.

29:25 Our bodies can show us if something is a truth or a lie just by the way you feel.

31:44 Tamar shares how self-love affected her marriage.

37:19 Sometimes we forget that our kids see through everything. We teach our kids respect by acting on self-love and applying it to our marriage. 

Links

Tamar Field-Gersh: Instagram | Facebook

FLOW Mastermind – A Business Mastermind for an Integrated Life

FLY Mastermind – A Marriage Mastermind for a Fulfilling Life

5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage

Marriage Breakthrough Retreat

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For more information about Connected for Real, visit the website!

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REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Welcome to the Connected For Real Podcast! I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business, and my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let’s get started. The following is one of the many conversations I had with experts and professionals about real life and how it affects marriage. Let me know your takeaways on Instagram or Facebook, @connectedforreal. Enjoy.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And we are live. Welcome to everyone. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com and this is Tamar Field-Gersh, tell us who you are.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Hello everybody. I am TAMAR FIELD-GERSH, and I am a life coach working with lots of amazing women out there. Tell you more about that later.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I love it. Okay so, we are talking about self-love today because that’s tomorrow’s thing, and I wanted to really get it to the next level. What does that mean in regards to our marriage? So first tell us self-love. What’s the definition? How do you explain it? What is it?

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Okay. So yeah, so I definitely I will I guess I will tell a little bit more about my non-niche niche situation. I am a life coach as I mentioned, and I work and I really I’m kind of niche free as I explained to my friend before we hopped in, because I really just really love working with anybody and everybody who is so open to transformation, and just wants to who has a good life, and they want to fantastic life, but more specifically, what I really love—who I really love working with in particular is, other mama[s], like mama entrepreneurs, and women who are really wanting to create more self-love in their life, and in order to go on to create this dream business, dream work that they have in their lives through self-confidence. So that’s kind of my non-niche niche situation.

And so when I’m talking about self-love, I’m really talking about oftentimes this the reason why I specifically am focusing on self-love and my work is because I feel like with every session no matter who I’m working with, and I also work with men as well—whenever we get to a place in a session, when I’m kind of, okay let’s back up, and let’s look at what’s going on with you like with curious eyes, and potentially falling into a place of self-love for yourself in that moment, people—every client breaks down emotionally. The amount of tears that I have experienced in this particular moment is really incredible, and you see how little self-love we give ourselves for on the daily, and so, I’m not talking about this bubble bath that you give yourself once a month because you just got your work done and your kids are a gone in school and all that kind of stuff or like a little girl’s retreat for two day. I’m talking about—when I talk about self-love, I’m talking about when you are in a situation whether it’s you’re you’ve been yelling at your kids or you get into a fight with your partner, and you didn’t show up the way you wanted to show up. Kind of taking a moment being like, “Girl I got you, I got you, I know you”—yes—something just happened you’re like not so into—let’s look at it from a place—let’s back up. Let’s look at it from a place of curiosity. Where? What happened here? Why was I so upset? Why did I raise my voice in this particular way, and kind of looking at it in that kind of way instead of pounding on yourself, and judging yourself for going there, being, “Nothing went wrong. I’m a mom. It’s hard to be a mom. They’re kids, it’s hard to be kids. It’s hard to be a husband. It’s hard to be all these things, and it’s okay,” and so, kind of when we give ourselves that kind of check-in every day—you don’t need the bubble bath, bubble baths are really fun, right? Days at the spa are great, but when you’re constantly feeding yourself with, I love you no matter what is happening for you. I’ve got you. It’s like—yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I just took a deep breath because it’s exactly that it’s like [breaths]. We have a hard time doing that for ourselves.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Totally.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Because we’re the ones who know ourselves best, and we know we could do better, and we know that we can try, and we know that we messed up here, and messed up there. For other people, you could fake it.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

You could fake it. You could be like, “Okay guys, yeah, I’m in a good mood,” but inside you’re like, “Uhuh, nice try.” But it’s not gonna work, if you’re better. It’s just, “What do I do with this,” so, it’s like knowing better, and being willing to accept where you are right now, who you are right now.

I think that’s also something that now taking it to the marriage level because I just realized how impactful this was for me. When I was okay with seeing myself the way I am, and loving myself anyway, then I was able to open up in a different way so that I was more present with my husband. I was more real with him. I was not trying to fake it or be something or hide my flaws or whatever. I was just like, this is what happened and this is how I dealt with it and this is what it is.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

A hundred percent. Yeah, I mean it’s amazing because I think we as women, we can easily go into our minds, and be like who are we loving on every day? Certainly our kids, certainly our friends. Most the time, our parents—maybe sometimes not though, and our yoga teachers or whoever we’re really excited about all those different things, and then we kind of can go back and be like how can I love myself the same way I just loved my kid? How can I love myself the same way I just love my best friend who did x, y, and z.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And I think you could take that even further because we think that we love other people more. We do. Because it looks like from the outside that’s how it looks. I love my kids so much. I wish I could love myself that much, but in reality, our capacity to love is only as great as the amount of love we give ourselves. And they’re actually mirrors of each other. So, if you think you love your kids that much, that’s how much you love yourself, and just that awareness is like, “Okay, this isn’t totally—ain’t that bad.”

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

A hundred percent.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Almost like giving yourself like a little bit of like, “Okay, I thought I was harder on myself but overall, I think it’s not that bad,” and then again when you realize, “Wow! If I just work on this one thing just accepting myself, and loving myself in a way that I can really love more, how much more can I love my kids? How much more can I love my husband? How much more can I love my friends?”

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Totally. Listen, love is like love feels so freaking good. Love feels good, right? It feels like amazing in your body, and so, I like to ask myself where can I love more, what today you wake up, and you’re like where could where can I love, right? When you’re doing you’re loving, and having this connection with HaShem and connecting to G-d, and making that happen, and so, and then you’re going every day and you’re taking care of your kids you’re getting their food ready for the day, and sending them off, and you’re loving on them and you’re making they’re special sandwiches that they for this particular kid, and their vegetables for this good whatever it is, and you’re doing all those different things, and it feels so good, and so why not be like, how can I love on myself? How can I bring that even deeper into myself every single day?

And sometimes that literally—I’ll tell you from the beginning of my journey, I literally had to go to the mirror, and be like, “Hi! How you doing?” and really have this physical contact with myself because I think also as mothers, and women, and just busy people. You really lose yourself in it all. It really happens. It really happens where you kind of detach yourself from you so that you can get the work done, and you can raise these children, and you can have this partnership, and you can have this marriage. And so there comes a time when you actually literally have to go on dates with yourself. You have to have this connection with yourself, and you have to—it has to be like in massive action. You have to actively be taking steps of going to the mirror in the morning be like “Good morning. You’re looking so beautiful,” and then talking to yourself. I talk to myself all the time. My kids are but I do it I do it because I feel it because I really feel the change in myself when I’m like, when I do something great, I’m like high-fiving myself. I’m like, amazing job, great work that was amazing!

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

So, what’s funny, there was I never read this book but I was listening to a podcast where they lived by this book called What To Say When You Talk To Yourself.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

What to say—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

What To Say When You Talk To Yourself. It was such a genius title to a book because we don’t actually know how to talk to ourselves. We don’t know what to say when we’re talking to ourselves, and we talk to ourselves all the time. “Oh, that was stupid.” “Oh, I’m such an idiot”.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

No! That’s not okay. Would you say that to your friend? No. So don’t say it to yourself but even more than that to the next level of just processing the day, pausing being able to be present—those are things that are so monumental, and we don’t use them. We don’t usually utilize them at all.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Totally. Absolutely. That’s exactly where it’s at. You’re exactly right in terms of that we have been talking to ourselves. Our brain has been talking to us for a very long time. We get shot a million different thoughts all day long, right? And but once we start to make it a dialogue, that is the juice of life. That is where our lives really can take different turns.

I remember listening on a podcast. I forgot which podcast it was. But it was it was a this professional sports guy was being interviewed. So I’m like a big guy, again I kind of forgot who it was but and they some of the person who was interviewing him was said what how do you, how do you do it? How’d you be like the great basketball player whatever he was and he said, once I realized once I stopped listening to myself and I started talking to myself. That’s where the shift was because.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yes.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. We don’t it’s actual skill you have to learn you have to practice it anything else but, once you get it, once you’re like, you get all these thoughts shot out at you, and you’re part of that conversation, “I hear your brain,” but, I just don’t agree with you on this one just gonna take a different turn here, and again our brain is doing it’s doing its thing it’s not like a mean, bad part of our ourselves.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

No. It’s here just it’s here to help you and protect you and support you—

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It just doesn’t it’s working with what it has so if this is what you heard other people saying to themselves then why would you say any different, and then it takes maturity to say, “I’m taking responsibility for myself right now, and not I am going to just be a reaction or a result of what has been happening around me all these years,” and that’s exactly where it is.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

A hundred percent. That’s it.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

This is also a marriage where you have people who come from certain marriage stories, and things that they’ve grew up with or their grandparents or their parents or whatever, and then it’s it takes a conscious choice to say, I want to create something different. And even if, you didn’t come from a broken home, and everything was fine but still there was a certain atmosphere—there were certain things that were going on behind the scenes or under the ground—things that you actually don’t put words to but because children see through everything, right. There’s I didn’t how this was and for me that’s important or I don’t I want this different thing. Suddenly, you can actually get really, really honest and really clear about what you want.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent yeah, it’s like the second you take responsibility for it all, and especially with the marriage because I think that there’s this whole idea of that your partner is supposed to make you happy. Your children are supposed to make you happy, and that’s where it—the disaster that’s when things blow up in your face. But when you realize that it’s like all you, all the time always, right. How do you decide to—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I want I want to make this more clear. I want to sharpen this message because it’s not that they’re supposed to make you happy. It’s that they make you happy. Their existence makes you happy. And you’re in your own way not letting it make you happy.  

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

That’s because it’s not like he’s supposed to figure it out. He has figured it out. He wants so badly to make you happy because he’s your husband, and that’s what he’s his program says— protect, and provide, protect, and provide. This is my person, right? And even if you don’t have a good marriage, and somebody comes, and does something to the wife—the husband will [growl] because it is natural. This is my wife. You don’t start up just you do for kids—the mama bear. It just it’s natural doesn’t matter how annoying that kid is, the second somebody else starts up with him you are there.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

So, your husband loves you, and your kids love you, and everybody is throwing love around at you, and the question is, are you a vessel? Are you able to receive the love that’s actually happening? It’s right there. All it is is get out of your own way.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right. Absolutely. There’s that there’s something yeah, a hundred percent. There’s something that I practice in in my own practice that I do with clients which is called a Want Match, and it’s an exercise that you do with your partner, where you kind of you sit down, and you guys both write out the different things that you’re wanting in your marriage. The things that you’re wanting the other potentially from the other person­—it could be as simple as I just want you to take initiation with the laundry once a week—to—I want a date night and for us to get up dressed up fancy and all those kinds of things, right. You kind of and then you share the list with each other. And if there’s in and if there’s this person wants the same thing as this person that’s considered a want match—great, amazing, beautiful no work necessarily to be done there— enjoy your life there, right. If there’s thing then there’s things on the list where the woman is asking for something and the man it’s not like, what he wants but he’s totally gonna go for—okay he’s gonna try it out and see. And so it’s kind of a creating these lists to see where is it easy, where can you go off, and do your own thing, and where is there potential work for the other person in it because in a marriage it’s not like, you’re not in this individual by yourself do your own thing kind of thing. You are trying to make actual connection, and would really to give to one another, right? But the power is that, if something’s on your list, and it’s something that you’re asking your partner you have every right to ask your partner for whatever you want.  Go for it. Go to town. Dream big. But you also have to do the work of, and if he doesn’t show up in that kind of way that you’re asking, that’s okay too because you’re not here to change him, you’re not you’re just you are coming and being—I’m this is a partnership so I’m going to ask for what I want, and I’m at the same time going to let go of if it doesn’t come through.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

The difference between ask and demand is yeah, is when you ask the answer is possibly no.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It could be yes. It could be no. But when you demand, you’re demanding for it to happen and there is no other way so, then you suddenly wake up you’re like, “Oh.”  When you ask from a place of ask because we say “Oh, but I asked him a million times”—no, you didn’t ask him you, told him.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right. Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

So, when you actually get to the point where you can ask for something being completely at peace with whatever the answer is, that’s when magic happens.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Totally. Totally.

Yeah. I mean my mentor Brooke Castillo who I got certified through, she—her big thing is always listen. If I could change all the people, if I could control all the people, I’m telling you I would do it. She’s just—”If I could make all the husbands and the wives do those things that the other person wants, I would do it, and I would probably be like, she’s already rich but, I would be like a billionaire,” but the bottom line is that we cannot, and ultimately you don’t want to. You don’t want to be marrying a robot, you’re like in a partnership. You want to be with someone who’s got opinions, and ideas, and thoughts, and all those kinds of things even if that can be challenging, and hard especially if that can be because that is also where the work is. When you’re feeling those harder emotions, the disappointment, and all those different things which by the way are totally brought on by you, not by him, what he does and doesn’t do, but those are the places of also of growth, and transformation, and really looking at, “Why is that so disappointing to me that he didn’t do what I asked for? What’s going on there? What’s happening there?” The bottom line is let’s just hear the facts, the facts are that we’re never going to be able to control anybody. So, let’s get to work knowing where the power is, and that is really as cheesy, and life coaching as this sounds right the power is within us. We have all the power.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

You can’t you could try and make it not cheesy, and whatever but it really is the only thing you can control.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And, once you can—if you’re successful at controlling that then believe me, the whole world around you is going to fall into place because it’s really all just a mirror of what you need to do. So, if you do it then there’s no more need for it to be around you. This is day one of my retreat.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Exactly. It’s a great day one. That’s a great day.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It is. It’s my entire retreat. It’s just so powerful because it really takes you through the entire process but that’s where it starts. It starts with you taking responsibility for yourself.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Totally. Totally. That’s amazing.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN  

And that’s something I tell people. I say, straight out, and I repel a lot of people I say, you can single-handedly fix your marriage, you can single-handedly improve your marriage, you can take where you are, and completely shift it without his help at all. No grabbing him. No dragging him. No taking him by the ear—nothing. He does not need any help, and people are “Oh it’s all him”. Of course, he needs help. He doesn’t need help. He naturally wants to love you. He naturally wants to do everything for you. It’s something along the way that just got stuck that, it has to do with how much you are in your own way. So get out of your way. That’s all it is.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Totally. Totally. Yeah. It’s—I know when I tell clients that also they’re kind of because there is a relief in being able to put the responsibility on somebody outside of you obviously because excuses you have to deal with it it’s not your work okay, they just have to they have to change it, and then come back to me. So, meanwhile I’ll go on and do my other thing, right? So, it’s like it’s kind of “bad news” sometimes to clients, it’s not their responsibility but truthfully at the end really, and at the end of the day but even before the end of the day, it is the best news ever. It is the best news because you’re not chasing something that will never exist. You. It’s like literally a cat chase where you’re like chasing, chasing, and you’re never going to get it, right. Whatever it’s called cat chase or whatever I always mess up those kinds of sayings but, it’s really the, you are so powerful. We are so powerful we have no idea how powerful we are.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

What’s crazy is finding excuses is something that we’ve been almost conditioned to do because—”So what’s your excuse? Why’d you do this?” It sounds so awful if you say, “Well, really, I just forgot or in school”—I don’t know. A teacher says, “Why don’t you do the homework,” and you’re like, “Really, I was like totally in a different place in my head, and I didn’t remember we had this thing due”, and you think she’s gonna accept that? How is our society accepting the fact that we actually own up to our mistakes? Not very well.

They don’t know how to eat it up. They don’t know how to swallow it. It’s like super awkward and weird. There’s no response to that.  “Okay, so, how am I supposed to give you a punishment? I don’t know what to do with this”, so we we teach our kids to come up with an excuse. Why do you think that happened? Well let me know, and it’s like I have no idea why it happened. I totally forgot about it. No, it was just was not important to me, right. “Are you saying my homework is not important to you?” Go say that to a teacher.

But I’ll tell you, when I was my first time hearing that I have to take responsibility for myself, and it’s not my husband’s fault, and he there’s nothing he can do about it, the first thing came up was like it’s just not fair. It’s just not fair because I’m always the good one.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I’m always the good one. I’m always the one trying. I’m always the one going to classes. I’m always the one improving myself, and he has nothing. Nothing? He doesn’t have to do anything?

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

How is this fair?

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right. Yeah. You go you go into little kid mode. It’s literally this early childhood where it’s like you’re literally having a tantrum. It’s literally that. 

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

But I’ll tell you what helped me. The answer to it—I went to a really amazing marriage expert–I don’t know whatever she did a course and I went to her one-on-one it was amazing. Such a simple answer. “You be the good one because you want a good life. If you’re comfortable the way it, is you don’t have to do anything. I give you full permission to not change.”

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Because it’s a choice too, and that was so relieving because it meant I didn’t have to be the good one. I get to be the good one.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I choose to be the good one.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

I think that just I think that’s a really a really great point that works with marriage, works with really anything in our lives, and that’s taking a positive break, and this is also this is also self-love, right. Where you are consciously redeciding things for yourself, right. So, when we’re talking about marriage for example, right. To consciously sit down and be like, “Would I marry this person again? Would I—if this was happening again, today, would I remarry this person and coming to a place of redeciding?” “Yes, I would. I would and these are the reasons why,” and that itself is really empowering. It’s like, “Right. I’m not forced into this. I’m not pushed into this. I don’t have to. I don’t have to do this.” And really, there are many options that you where you could not do this, and you are getting to redecide, yes. I’m committed to this relationship. Yes, from fresh eyes, fresh everything.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I had a client who told me that she knows they’re gonna get divorced. It’s just that they have 10 kids and the youngest ones shouldn’t suffer, so she’s holding on until the end, and then when it’s time she’ll get divorced, and everything is working, things are running, and whatever but she knows, and so I said to her, “No, it doesn’t work that way. You’re either divorced or you’re married. You can’t be living on a fence, because then, you’re really not helping anyone. Your kids are suffering. You’re suffering. He’s suffering. It’s not fair.” So, I said to her, are you getting divorced right now?” And she’s [like], “No.” “Okay. So, you’re getting married.” And that was the hugest thing for her. It was like, “I actually have to act to him. I’m married to him.” Yes! Because you are! You are choosing to be married when you’re choosing not to get divorced. You cannot be in that in-between state. It does not work.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right. Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

So, and then it was a choice. Eventually, it was suddenly—oh yeah, and then everything opened up. All the floodgates of heaven that was really it was. Abundance started coming in. Their money situation started fixing itself. Their daughter got engaged. Everything—just everything came down because she was holding everything closed. All the doors closed. We are going to keep this place closed until further notice. That that was the energy that was in that house.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right. Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And the second she opened it up, and got out of her own way, it was opened up for her. Fun! It was so fun for me for me to watch, and then her daughter says to her, “Why don’t you talk to that abundance lady again?” And she’s—

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Are you the abundance lady?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Apparently, because that every time she talked to me, abundance would come in, and it had nothing to do with money. It had to do with get out of your own way. Open yourself up to G-d. Just let him show you what he wants, and he wants good. He wants nice. He wants all the amazing things for you. He doesn’t want you to suffer. So, when you have this conversation with G-d, and you’re like, “I’m ready. I’m okay. It’s gonna be good.” Suddenly it all comes down, and I love that that she called me the abundance lady.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

That’s amazing. Yeah. That was a good, that’s a good one. You should have that as a license plate, Abundance Lady, coming through. That’s great. Yeah, and I definitely­—I tell my clients that it really, they get to decide what they want to decide in terms of they’re grown-ups. They get to decide whatever they want but make sure that you’re so in love with your decision. Make sure that for all the reasons why you decided, that just feel right in your body in the most perfect aligned kind of way possible.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And I want to say something to that because you just said something so powerful. A lot of times we make decisions because we’re supposed to. I’m supposed to be happy, and this married. I’m supposed to make this work. I’m supposed to—I don’t know what. No, you’re not supposed to anything. That’s when you get into real trouble.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It’s like and I love you said feel into your body it’s such a physical thing.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Every time. Every time. I mean, that’s it. That’s the check it with yourself. Is this the right move? Get out of your head. Get here and you’ll know exactly what the right decision is. How does it feel here? Does that feel right? Are those reasons, reasons enough to be to stay in this or to do this whatever decision you’re making, you’ll your body is—she’ll tell you exactly where to go, what direction to move in.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yeah. And then you’ll get all the emotions. Fear, shame, guilt, and that’s cool.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And you know why those emotions are coming up? To protect you.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And they’re all telling you wait, you’re getting out of comfort zone.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Exactly. And you really can. I’ve really started to interpret those. I used to I started to kind of look forward to the fear, and all those harder feelings because it’s like my signal being—”I’m about to do something awesome.” Okay. Those are going to be their challenges but guess what, I’m about to do something awesome. It’s so worth it. It’s so worth it because I’m like about to step into myself in a way I never have before so it’s worth it. Go for it. So yeah, but yeah, you’re right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

So powerful. Yeah, so powerful. “I’m about to do something awesome.” I love that. Yeah. I love that.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. That’s the action of speaking to yourself, right. Because naturally we’re a program where you just feel the fear, and you just are and your brains [like], “Don’t do it. Don’t do it,” and it gives you all the evidence of why you shouldn’t do it, and why it never happened for you before. While nobody else has done it before. Successful. Whatever it is whatever this thing is your mind will go to work proving why you should not do it. And that’s where the self-love comes in. That’s where the work comes in. Where you get to be a part of this conversation, it is not a monologue where they just get to say their thing, and then they’re out there, they get they say their thing, and you get to respond back and be like, “Oh the fear is coming.” You’re gonna have to do this, and that it’s gonna, it’s gonna be awful. It’s like, yeah, but you know what, it’s gonna be actually awesome because I know once I move through this, it’s going to explode. It’s going to be an absolutely beautiful thing, right. And that’s and that’s where you’re like on your own team. And you start to really build yourself up from that place.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Oh, I love it. I love it. Chana Mason is a one of my favorite coaches, so sweet. She says your body is a lie detector.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Totally.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Your body will show you if something’s a lie or if something’s a truth by the way that you feel. If you’re closed or if you’re open, if you’re stressed or if you’re calm. It’s so amazing.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

A hundred percent.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

It’s so amazing.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

I mean that’s the thing our brains are lying to us all the time, and again not from a bad place. I think the brain gets a really bad reputation sometimes. When we’re talking as coaches because because really, they’re doing it they’re really doing a great thing. They really have they, they allowed us to survive all until today. They’re amazing.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Well, I also, yeah, I also to explain it. My fridge, it beeps when you leave the door open. You have that?

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

If it’s open for a minute, it starts going beep, beep, beep

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Totally—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Beep. So, can you imagine if it was the opposite? If your brain was supposed to tell you when everything else is great and then when something’s wrong it’s just supposed to be quiet? No, it doesn’t work like that.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

There is there’s danger, there’s something going on, that’s when you speak up. That’s when you say so your brain is wired to look for everything that’s going wrong.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yep. Yep.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And it’s really working. It’s supposed to be that way nothing’s broken or wrong about it. It’s doing its job.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

A hundred percent. For sure, right. And that is that is the work of bringing our bodies into our lives, and reconnecting what’s going on here with what’s going on here. I really will—when I’m working with my clients, I will when they’re bringing up something I felt really disappointed or I felt really overwhelmed or I felt really whatever is going on for them, I will have them drop into that emotion, and describe it to me. “What does it look like? What does it sound like? Where, where is it coming up in your body?” Because to really for them to really get in touch with that because of that it’s like a signal of, “Oh now I know when I get really jittery and this kind of thing it’s like my overwhelm’s about to happen. It’s about to kick in and it’s going full force,” and it literally is a signal. I think that’s really beautiful what kind of said, and you’re able if you if you can connect those that’s also an unbelievably powerful thing for you. You’re like using your whole self. You’re using your whole self in showing up in the world.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I love this. Okay so tell us a little bit about how this affected your marriage because I want to hear some back story.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH 

Yeah. For sure. Okay. So, how does this affect? Well, I mean I will tell you. I’ve I mean tremendously it really kind of exploded ever it really opened it up in an incredible way. I mean my husband I’ve always we’ve grooved each other. My husband’s very open-minded and very processy, and just open to all that kind of stuff. Loves that kind of stuff in general in terms of really connecting to our—what’s going on for us emotionally and all those things. He’s a twin sister so he got a lot of female influence and all that kind of stuff. So really where the change happened was when I started to really say to myself, “He is not going to make me happy. What he does and does not do is not going to make me happy. I am going to make myself happy, and the thoughts that I have about him, about us, about our marriage, our relationship, our family, it is a hundred percent my thoughts about it, and nothing to do with the actions that do or do not happen.”


REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I mean how did you figure this out because it doesn’t just happen one day that you wake up and you’re like, “Oh, I just realized right to do with him”.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH 

Well, I’ll tell you. During a Corona hit the world, and for so many people I think that it really dramatically changed a lot of things—for the good, for the bad, for all those things, and for us, —our life really kind of came to a pause, my husband was working at the Alexander Musk High School in Israel. Maybe many people heard of it. I myself was a student there. Actually my claim to fame is that I was there with Matasiao. He was my boyfriend there, and he worked there for 13 years, and it’s an amazing organization and program. It’s basically, kids come from [HEBREW] come from abroad to Israel for two to six months. The teachers basically teach on the go there. They take them to these different places all over the country, and teach about Israeli history right there, and then where these things happened. So, amazing, amazing job, but, he was gone all the time. I mean, he missed one of my kid’s births. He was just, I was really a solo parent for really all those years, really. So Covid hit people weren’t coming in. He went on many people went on unemployment, and then really started to think about, “Would I—do I want to go back? Do I want to start something on my own?” and those kinds of things, and I, for the first time in a long time had a moment of “Now I’m a little bit more available because now, I potentially have a co-partner here,” and I’ve been do I was doing work. I was teaching English online for with Chinese and Taiwanese students for a while, so that could be available to my kids but a job that I had zero really interest in, and passion in and all of a sudden, I had this opening of, “I get to do what I want to do,” and so I dove deep into coaching. I ate it up. I couldn’t get—it was just the best. So coaching—so specifically my mentor, who I found and discovered, I just drank up every word she said, I joined her coaching program, became certified, and her teachings were really opened me up in that way was like, “You have all the power in the world inside of you,” and you don’t think that. You think that it’s a fact that if your husband doesn’t take out the trash because you’ve asked him 10 times to do and he doesn’t do it, that you should feel angry. That that’s a fact and truth is it’s not. It’s actually just your thought about the situation that leads to your feeling about it, and you get to decide whatever you want to decide. You get to think whatever you want to think and then and to feel about it and so I think that, yeah, I just kind of went deep into this work and once I got—once I kind of gave him the space to be who he wants to be because it no longer is—it’s not directly—I get to decide what I want to do with it. I was given myself a space. I got to be me. He gets to be him, and we get to bring the best of the best to this marriage, into this relationship, and all of a sudden it was just fun. It wasn’t this, “We got to make this work. We got to do that. It was like, we get to have fun because I you get to show up as you, and I get this show with me. And I’ll tell you my husband and I are very, very different in many many ways. Religiously, he’s much more observant than I am, and for a while, that was like a really hard thing that our story, my story in my mind was like, “I don’t know how this is going to work. He’s much more observant than I am and it’s hard,” and it’s all these things and it kind of changed into the story of we’re so different and we’re like a unicorn couple. Weird. This is the coolest thing ever. Our kids get to see this power couple doing their own thing in the world, and together, and at working, and really living into who they are, who they authentically want to be showing up, and my our story really changed. From my thoughts, This is really hard, this is really complicated, how are we gonna do this? to This is fantastic. I’m learning so much from our marriage every day. I’m learning so much from him every day, and I get to be myself, and he gets to be himself. It’s like win-win. It’s a no-brainer in my mind.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And it’s amazing because a lot of times I help couples—I don’t help the couple. I help the women but, it ends up helping the couples who aren’t the same religiously. I am more religious. I’m more into self-development. He’s so stuck. He’s so behind, blah blah blah.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Usually, I have that as opposed to the opposite and the most beautiful thing is that we forget the kids see through everything. Here we think that we have to be the same to hold this up front so that everybody can know that every we’re all good, we’re all good, we’re all the same but, do you really think your kids don’t know the difference between the teacher and the substitute, really? It’s almost trying to be a substitute walking in and being, “I’m the regular teacher so no games.”

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

You’re like, “No. You’re either gonna change their names. They’re gonna mess you up—”

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

They’re gonna do their thing because that’s what you do when there’s a different teacher. So, why are we trying so hard to be just him or to expect him to be just us when in reality it doesn’t even matter?

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And all it does is confuse the kids give them this you’re supposed to be who you’re not really because somebody else cares nobody else cares.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Yeah. For sure. When you’re like should-ing on your partner and you’re should-ing on yourself, right. You’re creating this whole narrative of this that you’re teaching your kids. You should be on yourself. You should be like should-ing on yourself. I should do this. I should do that. I should be doing things out of obligation, and we know that you’re doing an action that is fueled by should, fueled by obligation. It’s not gonna last. It’s not gonna last long you’re gonna hurt down to the ground, right. You could do the same action from a place of love and excitement, and openness, and curiosity, and get completely different results. Because it’s coming from a totally different place.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yes, and then you also teach your kids how to respect. I’m doing this because it’s important for him not because it’s important to me but I’m still going to do it. “Oh, I get it now.” Instead of trying to fake it, you’re actually really, really clear.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Right.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Really, really clear about what it means to respect someone at a level where you’re willing to show to do actions, and show up just because it’s important to him.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Exactly. Absolutely, absolutely, and happy and doing those things because you want to be connected and that being where the excitement’s coming from. Finding that place of joy and excitement because you’re connected you’re getting an opportunity to connect to the person that you love, and that’s really an amazing thing.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I love that. I love that. [sigh] Wow! Yes, totally look at people find you so they can work with you?

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Definitely. So they can find me on Instagram under Tamar Tribe. T-A-M-A-R-T-R-I-B-E, as well as Facebook, Tamar Field-Gersh, like my name that’s written right there and the website coming soon which if they follow me on those two places they’ll get information about where to find where the website is in the works so, comment coming soon and in you’ll see in both of those I think the Instagram as well as Facebook they are available to sign up for consults with me so they can get to know me a little bit more. Share a little bit of what’s going on with them, and let’s see well if and how we can work together. If you think—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

That sounds amazing. Yeah. I love it. This was such an amazing conversation because self-love is so fluffy. It’s not something you could touch. It’s not tangible. It’s not something you could hold, you can really talk about but yet we were able to really bring it down to such a practical level.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And I think that’s the power of coaching.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah. Exactly. It’s like what do you want up here, how do we bring it down to here.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Right.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Put this into action now, right. What are you wanting? Let’s grab on to it and bring it down and make it happen for you. We’re not just talking about it.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

Yeah. I love that. I love that Debbie Sassen she always says coaching is just taking time and collapsing it. It’s instead of you having to go through this whole journey to get there. It’s how do I just get a guide to show you what to do next and then collapse time.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Totally. Totally. Genius. Amazing. Super fun. Thank you so much, Bat-Chen for having me on. What a pleasure, really.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN  

Oh, it’s my pleasure. I think this is really fun.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Yeah.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

I’m enjoying it. Thank you so much, Tamar. Thank you everyone who came in, who commented and gave us likes and hearts we got a lot a lot of stuff going on.

TAMAR FIELD-GERSH

Amazing.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

So, thank you everyone and we will see you next time.

And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don’t forget, you can be connected for real.

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