16. Navigating Your Way Back To Your Inner Compass During Times of Uncertainty & Marriage with Sheryl Puterman

October 6, 2021

In This Episode
The coronavirus put all our lives on hold. The past year has brought a lot of uncertainty and stress on us, our marriages, and families. Nourishment Vitality CEO, Sheryl Puterman, shares how to deal with the stress and trauma, and how we can nourish ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually to become better versions of ourselves for our marriages. This episode answers the question How can I navigate my way back to my inner compass? Listen to practical ways on how to find your place of peace and calm, and go back to the heart center.

Highlights
01:02 Sheryl Puterman is the founder and CEO of Nourishment Vitality, a platform for stress, fatigue, and holistic weight management. She is also the World Woman Conference and Awards Chapter Leader for Israel.
02:22 It was not only lives that were lost due to the coronavirus, but also the ability for people to do what they are used to. There is a lot of uncertainty even if it is a normal part of life.
05:34 The world issues are just part of the challenges that a family faces as each family is different behind closed doors.
06:21 Whether our emotions change by the day or hour, it’s important to recognize and acknowledge them.
09:23 When we talk to ourselves the way we talk to our friends, we nurture ourselves and move into a better space within ourselves.
11:03 When Rebbetzin Bat-Chen’s kids had online school, she did not require them to go and this is one way she thought she could help her children have an easier time during the pandemic.
13:06 One thing that helps Sheryl get through adversity is faith.
15:44 Modeling proper communication and encouraging autonomy are other means that Rebbetzin Bat-Chen uses to help her children overcome life’s challenges.
18:16 It is not easy being in front of the computer all day because it is not healthy for our body and mind. There are two things that Sheryl wants us to take note of to take care of ourselves.
23:35 We do not have to keep fighting, pushing, and restricting ourselves too much. Transforming experiences and circumstances in a way that is positive for you starts with awareness.
24:37 Marriage is all about healthy communication, but one must understand their stress and triggers too to solve any conflict.
27:17 Nourishment is how we feed ourselves on an emotional, spiritual, and physical level. Shirley shares ways on how you can nurture yourself.
28:43 Notion is an online tool that Rebbetzin Bat-Chen started using during the pandemic to create a list of self-care activities.
30:46 Self-care should not be seen as selfish because it is needed in order to be of service and to care for others. Sheryl gives the best marriage advice.
35:11 Having an amazing marriage starts with you. You have the response-able-ity to choose your responses rather than reacting.

Links
Sheryl Puterman: Business Facebook Page | Personal Facebook | Website
5 Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage
Marriage Breakthrough Retreat
Notion

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REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Welcome to the Connected For Real Podcast! I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business, and my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage, and into your business. Let’s get started. The following is one of the many conversations I had with experts and professionals about real life and how it affects marriage. Let me know your takeaways on Instagram or Facebook, @connectedforreal. Enjoy. And we are live. Welcome everyone. I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com and this is Sheryl Puterman. I am so happy to have you here and please introduce yourself and then we’ll get right into our topic today, which is all about corona, how we deal with the stress, how we deal with the traumas that are coming up, and really practical tips. So Sheryl, tell us about yourself.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
So, thank you so much Rebbetzin Bat-Chen for having me on your show this evening. Hello everybody. I’m so pleased to be here with you this evening. I am the founder, the CEO of Nourishment Vitality. We are a 360 platform for stress, for fatigue, and for holistic weight management. I’m an expert in stress relief management, in conscious relationships, and in nutritional psychology. I’m also the WWCA chapter leader for Israel—that’s the World Woman Conference and Awards Chapter Leader for Israel. I’m truly honored and privileged to be here this evening with all of you here—all of you that are on the live, all of you that will listen to the replay and with you, Rebbetzin. Thank you for having me again.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Thank you so much. So, Sheryl and I were talking, and we decided to take this live because we had a really great conversation about corona and corona times, the pandemic, and the effects that it’s having on everyone. Now, everybody has lost something. Either you lost a loved one— Sheryl, I know you lost your father recently because of corona, right?

SHERYL PUTERMAN
I did. I lost my father on December 5th to COVID, and so I have personal experience with loss in that way.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
It’s so painful and so hard, especially because it’s so different than usual. There’s no ability to fly and be there or sit Shiva correctly. It just feels all wrong but besides the loss of lives and other real things, we have the loss of being able to be free, social, or all these different things—that some people lost their jobs, some people lost their ability to do what they’re used to. There’s all this movement and shake-up of the world. It just feels we’re not really grounded, and it feels we need help—very practical help, which is why we’re here because we’re all very practical—how do we get back there to that place where we were calm and things were flowing, and it was like, “Life is life,” but it wasn’t like now. Now is a little bit more complicated. Things are coming up.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
It sure is a very complicated, a very complex time, and a difficult time—a challenging time that we’re all going through here on planet earth at the moment. The world with this unprecedented global uncertainty that we face has affected so many of us in so many different ways. Now, yes, my heart is with all of us, those that have experienced loss or those that are experiencing challenges in some ways. I know that globally on the rise, statistics are heartbreaking. We have mental health issues on the rise. We have domestic violence issues on the rise. This is a very, very hard time that we’re all going through. Not everybody’s home, Rebbetzin, is a safe place and so being confined in a space together sometimes poses additional stress on someone, and I can say that with certainty that those that have pre-existing trauma during this time of the pandemic—their trauma and their stress is extremely heightened during this time. For a lot of people, they are triggered or retriggered into unhealthy habits and behaviors because of the sudden change that was kind of forced upon all of us. Yet, even within this very challenging time—because at the end of the day uncertainty is not a new concept for us as human beings. Uncertainty is part of life. No business would have ever succeeded if they didn’t accept some level of uncertainty to take risks. We face uncertainty every single time, but our level of fear around this topic has escalated tremendously during the time of the pandemic. How does one actually navigate their way back to their inner compass, to their place of peace and calm, back to their center to the heart center? This place that exists within each and every single human being, this untouched unscathed presence within us all—how do we get back there? That’s the question that now becomes very relevant. How do you get back to this?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
I just want to say, every family has their own things that are happening within closed doors, and things have really been shaken up, but even for families and homes that are really stable on the everyday level, or you think, “Oh, I have the best marriage in the world,” and then it shakes up—there’s even the best houses— you’re all normal. Everybody is having issues. Everybody is feeling claustrophobic, trying to find themselves, figuring out new things, and overwhelmed. It’s normal so don’t feel just because you’re having issues that something is wrong with you, and don’t feel it must be that I had some pre-existing things or something. It’s happening to everyone. The entire world, every single good home is going through shake-up.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
A hundred percent, a 100% are emotions are all over the show right now. I often tell people, “Okay, on a scale of one to ten, where are you at emotionally today? One being chilled, full of vitality, full of energy, ten being that your emotions are through the roof and your stress levels are very high.” Now, today you may be at a three, and tomorrow you may find that you’re at an eight. Our emotions are all over the show right now, and as you said, “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
You’re saying from day to day. I see it from hour to hour.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Absolutely. Our emotions change. Like you say, even from hour to hour, our emotions change. At the end of the day, what I say, “Okay, how do we get back to our inner calm? How do we do this?” It’s by validating our emotions, not by judging them, not by making them good or bad but by simply noticing what it is that we’re feeling at any given point in time in our life, in our day, or in hour. No matter what it is. So when I say on a scale of one to ten, I’m speaking about by the end of the day more or less where would you say you were at on the whole during the day. However I always say, “How do we deal with that?” Well, the first step is always with self-awareness and how do we handle our stress levels? Don’t ignore it. Don’t gloss over it. Don’t suppress it because so often and I know as a woman, as caregivers, we tend to give to everybody else and suppress the way that we’re feeling. So don’t suppress it but rather lean into your stress or your emotion. Acknowledge it.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Which is the scariest thing.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
It’s scary. So that’s why—how do we lean in with consciousness, kindness, and—very important—compassion towards the way that you’re feeling? Because the minute you bring kindness and compassion, into your practices—and I teach a kind mindfulness to my clients and through my programs—the moment that you’re bringing kindness in, A. it gives you courage to face the things that you don’t necessarily want to look at, and secondly the stress levels start to loosen up a little bit, and it also gives the body—when you become more conscious and you slow down just that little bit, it gives the body a chance to heal from the symptoms of that stress. So, the first step is always to become aware and to validate. When a baby is crying, what happens to the baby when you hold the baby and they cry? We don’t tell the baby you’re wrong for crying. We hold the baby. We see the baby. We soothe the baby. We all, at the end of the day, want to be seen, want to be heard, want to be validated, and we need to, at some stage by self-awareness, validate our own emotions and do it with kindness and compassion. Always be kind, and kindness starts with yourself and we extend it from there afterwards.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
A lot of times, what happens is that we’re kind to everyone else, and then in our own heads we are so, so mean—so, so terrible—we talk badly, terribly. There is no way in the world that you would speak like that to any of your friends, but you speak to yourself like that and it’s really something that we need to notice.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
The way I see it, Rebbetzin, is that, yes, but we do need to notice—we do need to be extremely kind to ourselves. It’s really important. I always believe that our primary relationship in life—it begins with ourselves first. So we need to get to know ourselves first and, yes, we are our harshest critics. We are our greatest critics. I see this a lot. I work with people—with a lot with their body image, and I see this a lot. We are always judging ourselves. We didn’t speak. We didn’t speak well enough. We aren’t good enough. We aren’t this—we aren’t too that, and we are our harshest critics so we need to ask ourselves, “Would you say that to your friend? Would you say that your loved one?” and if the answer is no, then don’t speak to yourself like that. Don’t speak to yourself like that. So always lean in with conscious curiosity. “Oh, why am I feeling that way?” That compassion to bring a tremendous amount of compassion into your practices—because that is going to enable you to step out of that place, into a better space within yourself, and within your own nurturing and safe space within yourself.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah. [Sighs] For me, it’s been it’s been hard with the kids, Zoom and everything—all the Zoom school and being on top of everything. Of course, I’m not on top of everything. I just feel like I’m juggling all these balls, so I took a stand and said, “I’m not taking care of the school Zoom things.” If you want to go, go on Zoom. If you don’t want, that’s fine. I’m going to fight you. I had to let go because I was just so overwhelmed and stressed by the teachers calling me, “Hey, your daughter didn’t come today.” What am I supposed to do? I felt so helpless, and once I let go and I said, “It’s not my responsibility. If you want to go, go. if you don’t want to go, that’s your problem. You still have to do the work,” there was such a calmness and then the thing that’s keeping me sane during this time is just thinking that one day, I’m going to look back and talk about it in the past. I’m going to tell stories about, “Oh, remember when we were in corona time? Remember when—” and it’s going to be like, “Oh, were over it. There is life after the pandemic. It’s not going to be like this forever,” because I think the thing that really puts me and— I see also my clients— just the thought of thinking this is gonna last forever, like, “Get used to it because this is how life is from now on, for the rest of our lives,” is so stressful. It feels like you’re suffocating in this like, “No way. Don’t tell me.” It’s too much, but if you just believe that it’s temporary and we’re gonna get through it, and then that’s gonna show us how resilient we are. We survived and we’re on the other side. Now we’re looking back or saying, “Wow. I learned so much. I couldn’t have gotten to this point if I didn’t go through there.” There’s so much that we’re going to be able to take out of this experience but that resilience is really what’s keeping me whole. I think that if I was just thinking of, “This is going to be forever. I can’t stand this anymore. This is too much for me,” then it’s so consuming.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
It absolutely is and it’s a lot to consume. We are most certainly living through this period in history, and you mentioned something that is so important—that if you just keep believing that this isn’t forever and you remind yourself of that constantly, that’s what gives the strength. One thing that I’ve learned—I’ve been through a lot of life adversity and what I’ve learned through my life adversity is the one thing that truly helps is faith. When our faith is strong, we are able to go through what we’re going through while still being connected to ourselves, to who we are, and by remaining more grounded in life. When one’s faith is shaken, your life is shaken. So to remind oneself over and over again and to keep one’s faith strong truly helps. Another thing that helps, I believe, is to, again, always beginning with self-awareness but to watch our focus. To focus more on our blessings and less on our lack actually creates that space within us, within our hearts, where we can actually fill that space within our hearts with love. Love for firstly, also ourselves, love and appreciation for our health, for our body, for our family, for our friends, for our communities—and another thing that really helps is to give. How do we give during this time? I know and I’m sure that when we truly give from our heart, we get for our hearts. So some sort of service reaching us and helping somebody else is going to uplift your mood tremendously so, and help you to get through a very difficult time. Yes, I’m so glad that you that you relaxed about the kids as well, because one day when they look back on this period of time as well, we don’t want our children to remember it as this such a stressful time at home. So if we can help our kids move through this time easier—because the stress that we carry as adults definitely passes on to the kids in many ways so we need to be able to notice that. We don’t have to pretend to be heroes and to make everything okay but to have those conversations with our kids as well—to share with them— age appropriate as well and to be able to give them tools to cope because they’re also seeing a lot. They are absorbing a lot and it can be scary for them, as well, so we need to explain to them the way we’re feeling, the way things are happening outside, and explain to them as well that this isn’t a forever situation.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right. I think that one of the best tools that I ever got as a young mother was somebody told me I need to model for them by speaking about what’s going on in my head. So, you guys don’t even know. I didn’t feel like doing the dishes, and I went, and I did it. I’m so proud of myself because I overcame something that I didn’t want to do, and you would think, “Okay you’re just having a conversation with yourself,” but you’re really just teaching them what is going on in your head and that everybody is struggling with not wanting to do the things they need to do and it’s okay. You overcame it, and you gave yourself a pat on the back. You say, “Yay! I did it.” So the more you can do that, teach them how to choose the right thoughts and how to let go of the thoughts that are not serving you, I think that’s real modeling because nobody else is teaching anybody what to think, what to do with all that noise in your head. It’s so scary especially as a kid or as a teenager you’re having all these thoughts and you don’t know what’s true or what’s not true. You pretty much are taught that all your thoughts must be facts. So if I think that I’m fat, then I guess I’m fat, and if I think that I’m ugly, then I guess I’m ugly. So you take it as fact, but in reality “Oh, I thought I saw myself in the mirror. I thought, ‘Oh, wait. Okay, wait. I can decide something else. I’m going to focus on this. I’m going to—'” So you’re modeling by speaking your thoughts—really, what’s going on, and when you were telling you reminded me of a story but yeah, go ahead. Say what you wanted to say

SHERYL PUTERMAN
That it is so important Rebbetzin to model to our kids a healthy way of communicating and to encourage them autonomy in the way that they think, in the way that they feel the same. The same as we judge ourselves, we’re sometimes pretty harsh to judge our kids for thinking the thoughts of, “Don’t say that. How can you say that? That’s good. That’s bad. That’s this. That’s that,” and we correct them without allowing them to express themselves so by allowing our children to actually express themselves and by sitting down and allowing each person in the home to have autonomy where that means every person in the home gets to speak their thoughts and gets to verbalize what it is that they’re thinking as well and then we have a healthy discussion around that. I think that that helps the entire family to communicate in a healthy way as well.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, so we were reminding you a couple things but yesterday, my daughter said they’re having tests now and the tests really count because now she’s in ninth grade and so of course, she did all six days in real life of ninth grade, where she went in for half a day in small groups in the beginning of the year and then they went— there was that lockdown. “Everybody go home,” and she’s been Zoom schooling, so it’s been really work for her—that transition from elementary school to high school and not knowing most of the girls in the class. On top of that, having to go to school on the phone— she never had a phone until now. So, she’s in bed in her pajamas on the phone until 1:30, 2 o’clock when she finally has to go. It’s messing with everything—the hormones, the food, and just the ability to have a schedule and a routine. It’s one of the worst things you could do to a teenager but I was thinking about it and I told my mother I said, “I actually remember myself as a ninth grader and I don’t think I did too much more than what she’s doing.” I didn’t really listen to all the classes or go to all the things, I wanted to stay home, and I wasn’t in the mood and probably half of ninth grade—I really sort of just like whatever, and then my mother said, “And look what happened. You’re still okay. You worked out fine.” So sometimes putting into perspective. It is difficult but it’s not the end of the world. It’s not gonna break her just because there’s six months of her life or even a year— ninth grade that she’s going to be a little bit wobbly. I also have a second grader who can barely read because school— thank God she can read but it’s just so strange that the times that we’re in. It throws you out of alignment.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
It throws one very much out of alignment and I’m quite amazed surprised at the amount of hours that kids are expected to actually show up on the Zoom. I mean, as adults we struggle with Zoom fatigue and the kids are going through it too. They’re expected to concentrate and they’re expected to turn in good assignments, and it’s extremely challenging for the children—

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
One of the things I realized is how after she gets off the Zoom, then she has to do homework. I’m like, “Forget it.” I wouldn’t want to do that. I just want to close the computer and start jumping jacks or walk outside and see the sun.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
That’s so important what you said because we are not, as human beings, designed to spend so much time in front of a computer. It’s not healthy for our body and it’s not healthy for our mind, so it’s really important, firstly, to ergonomically see how the computer is positioned, how we’re sitting, and that we’re not leaning too forward to back etc. So that’s number one and number two is to take those necessary breaks or those breaks when you can to stretch the body to move the body, to walk around the apartment, if you have the luxury of having an outside area to go outside of that, to breathe in that fresh air—it’s so important. It helps at the end of the day with one’s concentration levels and to also have some healthy snacks ready on-hand because being at home, one does turn to food more—a lot of the times out of habit so if you have enough healthy snacks that are prepared, you put in that time but for the meal prep and to remind oneself to actually fuel well to feel well because you need that additional energy. Whilst you are learning, you actually need that additional energy to help your brain to function well as well. So instead of just having too many treats around the house all the time, to really pack the fridge where you can with healthy fruits and vegetables, and as I say, grab a healthy snack. Make sure you’re taking the time to sit down for meals, at least your three main meals a day, don’t eat on the go, don’t eat while you’re in front of the computer, don’t eat while you’re multitasking, when you’re eating bring all of yourself to the table and eat. What’s really helpful during this time to create a healthy and a whole a happy culture of wellness in the home is actually to make a meal of it at real time. In other words, where it’s possible—sometimes it’s not possible but where it’s possible to sit down with some of your family members and to actually eat together, to turn off your computer for the period of time, or to choose not to take your phone calls during that time that you’re sitting down and eating with your family because—bring pleasure into the whole eating component as well, of the meals that we’re taking in. That’s going to help you and it’s going to also help that connection—that extra connection that we need right now during this time. So it’s important to establish that routine with the family as well and the times that you do land up over doing it, give yourself a break as well. As I say, this is a this is a hard and challenging time that we’re going through and a lot of people are triggered or re-triggered to unhealthy habits and behaviors, but notice it, become aware of it, so that you can get ahead of the habit or the behavior before the habit and behavior gets ahead of you.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Right. Sometimes just being okay with having that cookie or getting over that hard day, saying, “We’ll start again tomorrow,” is better than fighting, fighting, fighting and pushing, pushing, pushing it down and trying to not let it out and then exploding.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Well, interestingly enough when you try to restrict oneself too much, “Don’t have that. Don’t have that. Don’t have—” but it puts a stress in oneself. So, yes 100%. Give yourself permission to have that cookie. Give yourself permission to feel what it is that you’re feeling. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. You feel what you feel. So, if your moods are going up and down, and this and that, and everything just give yourself permission to. If you’re uncomfortable, if you’re moody, if you’re angry, give yourself permission to be in that space but do become aware of it because becoming aware of it, again, is that very important first step. It brings choice into the matter because then you can choose how you’re going to transform that experience in a way that can work positively for you.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Okay, great. So now I want to bring this into marriage. How do you see this affecting marriage because I see— obviously, I’m a marriage coach so I am working with women to improve their marriage— it’s a hard time. Some people are stuck in the house with their husband. Her husband is working all day long and maybe, he’s a doctor. He’s not home ever and they’re stuck alone with the kids. Some people are just feeling really alone even if the husband’s home, which is normal. What do you say is something practical that they can take, use, and really focus on?

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Well, I think that at the end of the day, it’s really again coming back to the topic of being aware of your stress levels and starting with yourself first—taking care of yourself first because if your stress levels are building up—and we are often unaware by the way of our stress triggers and things that are stressing us out during the day that are building up these stacking blocks, and if we don’t take care of ourselves, and make some time for ourselves to nurture and take care of our own needs, this is naturally going to spill out in the way that we relate with our family, with our friends, with our loved ones, and then conflict arises. So, it comes down to having those conversations and healthy communication before conflict arises or learning how to communicate healthily during conflict It starts with really knowing your needs. Start with you and you need to know your needs first because when your needs first, then you can communicate to your partner, to your friend, to your loved one, what it is that you that you need and at the same time you can hear what it is that they need, and then it comes into bringing that to that level of respect where you can both listen to each other’s needs, and that’s a really good starting point, but often what happens when our stress levels are a little bit too much, we actually don’t even know what we want, we don’t even know what we need, and we just blow up and we say things that we regret. It comes out in anger. So truly, whoever’s listening here take that time. Take that time for yourself, whether it’s 15 minutes of that of your day, and figure out a way, establish a routine for yourself, a ritual if you like, where you can release some of your tension, and become really clear and focused on how it is that you choose to nourish yourself. Nourishment is more than what we eat. Nourishment is how we feed ourselves on an emotional, on a physical, and on a spiritual level. So, figure out what it is that nourishes you. What is it that nourishes you? Do more of those things. Make a list. If walking around the block helps you to feel great, how often are you doing that? Once a month? Once a week? Can you do it more? Can you bring that into your practice? When you wake up in the morning, when you wash your face with your cleanser, or you put on your moisturizer, are you just doing it really quickly? Can you slow down a bit? Can you actually nurture yourself for an extra minute or two whilst you’re actually taking care of your own needs? Put on your moisturizer with some care. Take care of yourself. Sip your cup of tea, have your breakfast, give yourself that little bit of time, and naturally, I can tell you, the way you relate to your partner is going to be more peaceful. That’s a start, and then get real. If there’s a real conflict going on, take pain to paper. List out, “What are my needs? What are my desires in our relationship?” It starts with you. You become crystal clear, and that’s a really good starting point to have that dialogue, and for things to roll on from there. Does that make sense?

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes. So the first thing that came up for me is that a lot of times I don’t notice that I’m going off the wrong end until it’s too late because I’m just trying to do things, and this and that, and then there’s one thing that went wrong, and then one other thing and another thing, and they start piling up and so if I’m not aware of it and I’m not catching it, I’m really going to find myself suddenly being “Why am I so exhausted?” or, “What’s going on? Why am I so irritable?” and so just that awareness is really helpful. Something that I did for myself in the beginning of corona that really helped me, I went on Notion, which is an app that I use for organizing my stuff, and I made a list of all the self-care things that I could think of that work for me. So not everything that works for everyone else. I’m not looking up any Google documents that say these are the top 10 things that work for every woman. I don’t care. I want to find out what works for me, so I need to drink water so I wrote that down, and take a shower—makes me feel better—and going outside and talking to friends. So, I just started listing all these things that don’t even cost money or some do. I wrote down massage and reflexology because hey, who cares? Maybe one day—actually, this week, I ended up going to reflexology because I made that a priority to just look at the list and what can I do this week that will help me prepare myself so that I don’t come into this—on eggshells already, that I’m not shaking because if I’m all calm and if I’m investing in my own self-care and my own health then I can be of service, and that’s what I need. That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to help everyone and be there for everyone. Of course, I’m a mother, I’m a wife, I’m also a coach, sister, and a daughter, and there’s all these circles of people who need me. If I don’t take care of myself, nobody will, and I won’t be able to take care of anyone else.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Absolutely, and it comes down to what we were saying that it starts with modeling one’s behavior and investing the time—the necessary time in one’s own self-care. At the end of the day, self-care is not selfish. It’s very, very needed. Our primary relationship is with ourselves and then we have so much more to give. We have so much more to share, and at the end of the day when we’re modeling that for our family, they too start to understand the importance of them respecting themselves and taking care of themselves, and that’s so important. It’s so important to teach our kids that they need to take care of themselves and that they’re important, and they’re VIPs too. So that’s truly important, and I think it’s wonderful that you booked the appointment for the reflexology. I love reflexology. It’s so relaxing but you also made a really good point Rebbetzin, when you said that you listed what works for you. There is no one size fits all. There’s no techniques and solutions, and this and that. It’s what works for you, so when you become aware of the things that make you feel good, do more of those. When you become aware of the things that nourish you on a spiritual level, on a psychological, on an emotional level, do more of those. Add more of those things into your day, and if you do it often enough, consistently enough, then it becomes a habit and then if you do the habit often enough and you start to notice “Well how did the habit make me feel? That really made me feel good,” and you start to integrate these healthy habits into your daily life, well then they can really begin to work for you in a way that counts, in a way that makes sense, and in a way that that helps you to show up for the majority of the time because it’s never going to be all of the time but in a way that you show up shining and full of energy and at your best.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN

And that is the best marriage advice—is taking care of yourself because when you’re expecting someone else to take care of you, you’re never going to fill up. Nobody can fill you up like you can fill you up, and that’s one of the biggest mistakes—is my husband should know. He should know. Well, guess what? He’s not a mind reader. He shouldn’t know. It’s okay if he doesn’t know but you need to make sure that you are taking care of the things that need to happen for you fill yourself up, so that you can really be full because if you’re empty, nothing is going to be able to fill you up unless you take care of it. It’s your responsibility to fill yourself up and I say that really strongly because it is number one medicine that I see for marriage. When your marriage is going wrong, stop looking at the other person and how they are not okay and not good enough and this and that. Of course, it’s fine even if it’s true. I don’t care. I want you to just turn around and say, “What can I take responsibility for? How can I fill myself up?” Not take responsibility of what I’m wrong at. No. The opposite. Turn around and say, “How do I fill myself up so that I can be in a better place, so I can think more clearly, so I can just be more relaxed?” Because that’s really the goal. You want to be happy and you need to take responsibility for that. Actually, I have a five surprising ways—a guide. Five Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage, and you can all download it at connectedforreal.com/free. I just thought of that now so I decided to share that with you. So, if you all go to that website you will get a free Five Surprising Ways to Improve Your Marriage PDF.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Well, that’s so generous of you Rebbetzin, and I’ll certainly be downloading mine. Thank you for that. I think that that’s such super advice and at the end of the day as well, once we are nurturing ourselves and we can create those healthy boundaries around what is and isn’t acceptable, around our negotiables and our non-negotiables in our marriage, and within ourselves and within our relationships that plays a very important role as well. So, absolutely. Ladies, it starts with you.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, it always starts with us and the first reaction I always get is, “So why do I need to be the good one? It’s not fair that I always have to take responsibility. Why do I need to be the one to do anything or to take action? Why can’t I just put my feet up for once and let him do the work?” and that’s such a common feeling. I used to have it too. It’s, “Why do I always have to do the—let it slide and take responsibility for my own happiness?” and all the good stuff that obviously I had to go through myself because it takes one to no one, and it takes one to help one, so I went through a lot of these challenges until I found what works for me and then I was able to help other people. What do you say to that?

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Well, I say that the way I look at the word responsibility even though it’s not actually spelled like this is -able—to response-able to respond to whatever life experience, whatever challenge is that you are faced with at any given moment in time. So when you learn to become more response-able, you’re able to choose your responses instead of reacting to what it is that’s going on around you, and that’s certainly going to help in one’s relationship and in one’s marriage because instead of lashing out or snapping out, you actually get to choose the way you are going to respond. The minute you slow down enough and you choose your response, it’s much more empowering. It’s much more empowering to say well, “I choose this because that,” you then get to empower yourself and the minute you feel empowered, you’re going to show up in a different way, and you’re not going to feel so, “Oh why this and why that?” because you’re going to feel more empowered.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yeah, that’s beautiful. Okay, so we are coming to a close. I want Sheryl to tell you—

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Wow, it went quickly.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Yes, it was. We went really quickly. We are definitely open to doing this again. It’s been so fun you can find a lot of my previous lives in the in the archives. Sheryl, I want you to tell everyone how they can find you if they want to ask you questions or work with you, or find out more about what you’re doing.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
Wonderful. So whoever can get me on Facebook: Sheryl Puterman and my Facebook Business Page is Sheryl Puterman – Nourishment Vitality.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Beautiful and thank you so much, everyone . I know it’s really fun some of my friends text me afterwards and say what they liked or their favorite part. That’s my favorite part, by the way. So if you’re watching this and you had something like a little nugget of an idea that really gave you physique or made you feel like you were heard, please send me a message because I love those. They fill me up so much and we shall do this again because it was really fun.

SHERYL PUTERMAN
It certainly was. Thank you, Rebbetzin. Thank you so much.

REBBETZIN BAT-CHEN GROSSMAN
Thank you so much. And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm, this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now, take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode. Can you share it with them? I am Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman from connectedforreal.com. Thank you so much for listening, and don’t forget, you can be connected for real.

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