Transcript:

  Welcome to the Connected For Real podcast. I’m Rebbetzin Bat-Chen Grossman, a marriage coach for women in business. And my mission is to bring God’s presence into your life, into your marriage and into your business. Let’s get started.

 And we are live. Welcome everyone to the Connected for Real podcast. Today, I am not happy and cheerful and My usual self, you could tell because usually I go live very differently with different energy, but today I’m sad. And one of the things that I value is being positive and being happy and being cheerful and energetic.

And you may know this about me because it’s one of the things that is part of my branding and it’s part of my whole identity. But I think it’s also really important to give yourself the grace to process emotions. And not to fight them. And so today’s episode is going to be a little bit more real and honest and I’m going to be talking about The fire that took the life of our friend, Adina Zahavi, L’chon Ha’Ali Barcha, a very sad thing to even think about. And I think by sharing and by processing the emotions and by giving space to everyone else who’s listening and processing the emotions, I pray that we are successful at inspiring each other and becoming that much better. So let’s get into it.

Deep breath. Okay, so let’s start with the facts. I haven’t been able to breathe deeply for a long time. It started Saturday night in the middle of the night between Saturday night and Sunday morning. I found out at six o’clock in the morning, but it happened at around 2 30. There was a fire that started.

In the house of Adina Zahavi and Aryeh Zahavi, they have nine children, but one of them was not home. He was in America for camp. He was a counselor. So, eight kids were home. And as soon as they figured out that there’s a fire, they got everybody out as soon as possible. The fire exploded and it was devastating.

Just awful, really quickly, and the people who were there describe it. They say that you could see smoke, but you couldn’t see a house. There was just no shape to the house. There was just smoke. It was dark black smoke. And the parents realized that they have to get the kids out. So they they started going back and forth in and out, getting kids out.

And some of the kids were taken and, you know, taken to the neighbor’s house. And some of the kids were taken to a different neighbor to get them clothes. And

it was just so dramatic. And eventually Adina, the mother, inhaled too much smoke and after saving all of her children, she passed away. And I’m getting chills just saying those words because it just doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel like it happened. It doesn’t feel like it’s, it feels like we’re in some sort of, like,

Or like a bad dream and like any, any minute she’s going to come back and be like, yeah, don’t worry about it. It’s not real, but it is at least it’s real in our perceived reality. And I guess if she was here, she’d be like. Don’t worry, Hashem knows what He’s doing and everything’s for the good and it’s so hard.

It’s so hard. So Sunday was a blur. Sunday morning at six o’clock in the morning, I saw all these messages. There was a fire. There was a fire. Pray for her. They’re taking her to the hospital. 21 people were taken to the hospital for inhaling smoke. Then suddenly we found out that her son has terrible burns.

I think he was the last one she saved and he needs prayers. So let’s take a minute here to just say his name. Michael Ben Adina Batsheva. He should have a Refuah Shalema. He should have a speedy recovery.

Everybody thank God came back that same day and had to start dealing with the reality. There is no house. There is no mother. Her kids. nine kids. I think the oldest is about 18. The youngest is one year old and there’s everything in between and it was just heart wrenching. The next morning they had the funeral and it was really beautiful and it was really inspirational to see how every single one of her Well, the ones who were old enough to, they spoke from oldest to, you know, younger, and then the father spoke, her father and her mother spoke, her brother spoke, her brother in law spoke.

It was, well, it was, it was addictive. It was almost like you couldn’t stop listening to these amazing things because you just wanted to be like her. And the truth is that even when she was alive, everybody wanted to be like her. She was. This awesome person who notices everybody. She notices everybody. I.

Do not know if there’s ever a time where we were at an event or at a party or at anything where somebody was on the side or just doing their thing and they didn’t speak with her because she was just so aware of everybody. She was there for her friends. And she was there for her acquaintances and she was there for the community as a whole and she was there for individuals and she was there for people who weren’t even on her level, you know, like her kids, friends, and either just, and also just random friends, you know, kids.

My son feels like he knew her, and I don’t even know how because. I didn’t have much to do with her in the last couple of years, just because our kids go to different schools when they were young. And it was earlier on. Yeah, we did. We had them over, they were around a lot more, but it’s been over 10 years that, you know, her kids go to that school and my kids go to the school and it was just so busy.

So the adults. Like, you know, we had interactions amongst ourselves. My husband, me, her husband, her, but the kids, I didn’t think that they were going to be affected and they were because she had prayer in her house. And she invited all the kids and then gave out candy or gave out ice cream or did something.

The kids were friends with everyone, even if they weren’t from their school. It just, there was something really special about that family. And there’s something really special about that woman. And it’s been really, really hard. And I want to talk about the processing of the experience and the processing of the emotions, because I think it’s important to talk about it because we tend to think that something is wrong with me if I am non functional.

If I can’t breathe, if I can’t sleep, if I’m negative, if I’m having tantrums, if I’m not feeling sad, what if I’m just, you know, numb to the experience, all these things are legit and all the things are acceptable and every way that your body reacts. is human. And it took me this long to be able to even speak about it.

And I think that I decided to speak about it because it’s so important for everybody to know that it’s okay. Whatever way you are grieving, whichever way you are reacting, the, the choppiness of emotions, is all okay. And you can let yourself have that. Just be okay.

So yeah, day one was a blur. It was the technical things. It was trying to find out if they need anything, you know, where to bring clothes, where to bring food. Where are they going to sit Shiva? Where are they going to be sleeping? Who’s who’s taking care of what then the second day was the funeral and It was so hard it obviously took a long time.

It took half a day So it was exhausting, but it was also emotionally exhausting because you’re just crying and crying and crying. You just can’t stop crying. And one of the things they said about her is like, I bet you every single person here thinks they were her best friend. And it’s so true. It was so true. It was so reflective of who she was. And then the next day I thought, okay, I’ll go to the Shiva house. I’ll see how I can help. You know, I made room for it in my schedule. I just canceled things and I just wanted to grieve with them and I got there and everything was taken care of.

Everybody had it all under control. It was as if I was useless, and that was the worst feeling ever. Because when you can help, and when you can do something, and when you have what to do, it gives you something to do, right? It just sort of motivates you to sort of survive type of thing, but Everything was taken care of.

Everybody was running the show. There was everything under control

and it felt like I wasn’t necessary. So I think that was an experience that a lot of people are experiencing now. I felt it first and I thought I was the only one. And I started hearing that from other people too, as time goes on, it’s really hard to feel like you’re walking in and there’s nothing really that you’re here to do.

Maybe I’m not making a difference. Maybe coming in here is not making a dent. Somebody just spoke to me today and said there was a hundred people when I came over and there was no room, there was no room to move, there was no way to hear everything was just so. overwhelming. I felt invisible. That’s what she said.

And I think that that’s okay. It does not mean you’re invisible. It does not mean that it made a big difference.

And for their healing, knowing that you came, Even though they didn’t see you even though they don’t actually know no, but they know and they appreciate it and it on an Energetic level lifts some of the pain because you’re carrying it and they don’t have to carry all of it alone And so instead of telling yourself, I’m useless here.

I’m invisible There’s nothing for me to do think of what you can do in this moment Right? You can look around and see who else is feeling this way. You can throw things out, clean up pray, think of stories that you want to share. There is a group, or a, I think there’s a Google sheet, or a group of something where people are sharing stories and memories.

They’re going to be putting together a book. And even if you come and you don’t get a chance to tell them, they’re You should definitely take the time to send them the story and add that to the memoir of everything that she did that mattered.

That day was so hard for me. I tried working. I couldn’t work. I tried putting away laundry. I could not put away laundry. I tried sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. The only way I sleep is if I put my earphones on with my own meditation library, and I do a meditation to maybe see if I get any insight on what I should be doing next because I was feeling so lost.

And I’m saying I was feeling lost. Because that night a friend of mine said, I think you’re doing, you know, I think if I’m here for you, she, she noticed that I wasn’t well, and she said, I’m here for you if you need anything, and I know that she does EFT, and I’m going to give her a gigantic testimonial here because I don’t know anything else.

that helped me more than this. We did a double session of EFT tapping and processing the emotions and it changed my life. The next morning, I had a session, a co working session with my friend Tamima and while she was doing something technical and I just had to, you know, wait on the side, I looked down at my baby and I started talking to her and, you know, playing peekaboo and singing songs.

, and I saw she started talking back to me. She’s three months old. And Demima heard in the background on zoom and said, is your daughter talking? And I said, you know, Demima, it’s the first time that I looked into her eyes this entire week. I haven’t. looked at my baby. I’ve just been taking care of her.

I’ve been nursing. I’ve been changing diapers. I’ve been washing. I’ve been playing whatever, like tummy time. But I haven’t been there. I haven’t connected. I’ve been so

down and broken and sad.

And that tapping session the night before allowed me to live again. And I want to give a huge shout out to Hillary Kushner from South Africa, who is absolutely amazing at what she does. And so loving and so accepting and so non judgmental and so

amazing. Absolutely amazing. There are no words. It’s just If you ever feel like you need help, please reach out to her. She is so good. And this is from a person who always is the person everybody reaches out to me. So if I give such a testimonial, oof, this should really, you can use this on your like, you know, put this in big, everybody should go hire Hillary Kushner.

And so now it feels like I was broken and dysfunctional because ever since then, yesterday was a decent day. I had a normal, functional day. with sadness and with emotions, but it was a totally different energy. And then today I woke up and I, you know, I had all the emotions again. I’m going to bet that these emotions are going to come back every so often because that’s what life is like and we are human.

And I can’t imagine not being human right now because it would be even worse. It’s a merit to have known Adina, and it’s a merit to be able to feel the pain of losing her in this physical sense. But I don’t know if you guys know this. My clients may know this. My friends know this also, I have, I have like a, my cheerleading team of dead people.

My grandfather, Avila Sassone recently we just added Marcos, my boss, and now Adina is in there. And it’s like the most special people in my life that I feel I lost, but also I feel like are always with me. Oh, and I have like moments where I don’t know what to do or I don’t know how to be or I’m feeling like I need a little boost of energy, I think what would they do or what would they say?

And it, it just feels nice to have this imaginary section in my mind where all the, all the people who passed away live. So they’re not really gone. They’re really still there. Of course, this is not to say that I pray to them or ask them for anything, because that would be not allowed. But, you know, I just feel their presence and I feel like they’re cheering me on.

And I’m blown away by her family. I’m blown away by the community. I’m blown away. people, just the sheer goodness of people. So there’s a couple of ways that anybody listening could help. There is a jgive. com. There’s causematch. com and there’s gofundme. com. I believe the gofundme was the first one to be to be started.

It was started by her neighbor. And her friend who’s just amazing. Everybody’s amazing, by the way. It’s, I think the hardest part is going to be after the shiva, when we expect ourselves to go back to normal and then we’re not going back to normal. And then it’s like, what’s going on? Why are we not back to normal?

We should be back to normal. And then there’s going to be like 30 days after, and it’s going to be like, okay, maybe now I can go back to normal. And it still hurts and it’s still painful. And it’s still sad. And it’s like, come on, snap out of it. And to that, I just want to give you permission to give yourself time, to give yourself space, to give yourself what you need in order to take care of yourself.

Like I was told by my friend, Hey, I’m here to help you. But I had to get all the courage I could to say, yes, I need the help. Please let’s meet because it would have just stayed on the shelf. Okay, so there’s a lot of people who are here to offer you the help you need, and you have to get courageous enough to accept it, and to use it, and to lean into it, and really allow yourself to heal.

Because, and some people say time heals, but time doesn’t heal on its own. Time heals when you’re intentional, and when you’re willing to let it.

So give yourself grace, give yourself permission to receive the help you need, give yourself time and surround yourself with people who are able to love you and accept you even when you’re broken and even when you’re sad and even when you’re snappy and even when you’re tantruming.

And one of the things I had to learn also is that everybody around me is grieving just as much. Even if they didn’t know her, even if they didn’t have anything to do with her, there’s something gigantic that was taken away that is felt in the energy of the town and the energy of the world. And we have to be able to let everyone And on the grieving process,

open up to see those on the side. Anybody who is feeling invisible, anybody who is feeling like they came and they don’t matter. So they matter. The fact that you feel the pain means you matter.

And I think it’s amazing that people are. able to help them in all the ways that they need help. So thank God that the food is taken care of for this week. But if you’re the type to make food, you know, bring it over, wait a little and bring it when it’s after when there isn’t 100 people in the house, when it starts to get heavy because life actually hits and you realize that Oh, she’s still not back.

It’s hard and it’s going to keep hitting.

Okay, deep breath everybody. Release, exhale, let yourself breathe a tiny bit more even though you can’t breathe all the way and that’s okay.

I want to tell you something about crying. Crying is an amazing gift. I once was thinking about it. And I, I, I learned that water is therapeutic, right? If you go swim, if you go to a lake, if you sit by a waterfall, even if you just, you know, Look at water. Take a shower. Take a bath. Water has a tremendous power to relax the body and the mind

and just let things flow. And God gave us that built in. When things are the hardest and when things are the most painful, that’s when God sends you water. A built in system of water to just cleanse it all out. And so if you’ve been unable to cry. I give you permission to cry because it’s the most therapeutic thing you can do.

And if you’ve been crying all day and all night, just know that it’s okay. It’s part of the processing and it’s built in to how your body needs to grieve.

That’s what I want to say and I just can’t. There’s an exhaustion of just no words. The inability to comprehend, the inability to just grasp, it’s not, it’s not, there is no words, there is no way to grasp it. I think her husband said it best. I’m not, I’m not going to understand, I’m never going to understand, and I don’t want to understand because I’m just, he said, I’m just a dog trying to figure out how the car is moving. I won’t ever understand, but I see the cars moving.

Yeah. And I think that’s what helped me after the double session with Hillary, the understanding that we’re in the process, we’re in the journey. We all want to be there already. We want the redemption. We want to have the resurrection. We want all the things to just fall into place and everything should just be perfect.

And we just get on with the show because this is too painful. And as a marriage coach, this makes me half laugh because I guess I could give a whole class on, you know, what we could learn for business. And marriage when we’re dealing with this. So as a business coach, one of the things that we have is when you’re too attached to the result, you can’t be in the journey, you can’t be in the moment.

So if you’re trying to, you know, have a launch and your goal is I need 20 people or I need 10 people, I need to make X amount of money, whatever. If you’re so obsessed over the result, I need to reach. I need to be a millionaire. I need to already be there already. You know, it’s like, okay, but what about the journey?

What about the process? You got to trust the process. You have to understand that who you become through the process. And all the experiences throughout the process, the failed launch and the person who asked for a refund and the unhappy customer, all the things that hurt in business, they’re part of the process that makes you who you are and is going to be able to get you to that result.

So we have the direction we want redemption, but we can’t be complaining about, I just want to be there already. And I’m just done because. That’s not going to give us any energy to be able to be right here right now. That’s not going to set us up for success and the process that we have to go through in order to reach the redemption.

So what can we do to reach the redemption? So the first thing is. Have compassion for yourself. And if you can, at any moment, feeling whatever feelings you’re feeling, look around to see who else is feeling them. And feel them together. Because when you’re able to hear someone else’s pain, when you’re able to open up to someone else’s feelings, Then you carry the weight together and that’s the whole idea of sitting Shiva and the family being together in one house and getting all these people to come visit them is that the more people come, the more the weight is lifted.

It’s just a little bit less overwhelming, a little bit less heavy, a little bit less dark. And we can do that for each other as well. Everybody is grieving, not just the family. And if you look to the sides and see that there are other friends. Other neighbors, their acquaintances, other random people you never met, who are all grieving the same thing. Be there for them. It will make you

fulfill something. And it also is, you know, emulating her because that’s what she would have done. That’s what she would have done. And she was the happiest person she was ever. funny, and people are sharing in the group all the things that she used to say, like, don’t be a weirdo, or what a, you know, monkey, or whatever, like, the things that she said, she’s just so light, light about it, you know, just forget about it, it’s fine, you know, and And I remember when I had my miscarriage and she sent me a message saying, if you need any help or any advice, I had three, so I can talk about it.

That was so powerful for me. And I just asked her like, what, you know, just tell me what I’m so lost. And she said, don’t worry, it’s going to be fine. And the most important thing to remember is that God runs the world and as hard as it is, you just want to trust it. And The most important thing is to remember that when I was looking through my messages and I found that I highlighted it and I sent it to all my friends because it is so powerful how she was able to give me that, you know, like that morning when I found it, I said to someone, Adina sent me a message this morning from 2017 and that’s how it felt like she sent it just today.

Another thing that I loved about her is that she was so fascinated by the fact that we made. matzah at home. And she’s just like, couldn’t wrap her head around it. Like, you kasher your kitchen, make matzah, and then go on with life and then kasher your kitchen again. So it was just so cute. It’s like, you can seem very fascinated.

She just was so alive. She was so present. She was so there. She was so part of everything. And I feel really blessed to have known her. I feel really blessed to be in this community of amazing people who are basically just like filling the gap, the gigantic gap that she left. It’s already filled with all the new people who are able to Rise to the occasion.

And the most beautiful thing to me, I know there’s a lot of beautiful things. The most beautiful thing to me is that she,

she was in the Anglo community, but she was also in the Israeli community. And when I organized a. Processing night that night, you know, everybody get together and cry together because we can’t do this alone. The Israelis, the Hebrew speakers were complaining that I said it was going to be in English.

They wanted something for everyone. They wanted to be involved because they’re grieving just as much. And it just shows you who she was she was there for her hebrew speaking neighbors, too And for the israeli community and it didn’t matter who you were, but she was there for you And it didn’t matter who you were She was your best friend and it didn’t matter who you were She knew everything about your life and what you’re going through and she asked you about it after when she You know met you or she checked in on you She sent random messages to make sure that you’re all good You It was just so incredible

and I’m, I’m grateful to have that modeled for me so I can rise to the occasion as well.

And this is my way of spreading the light. I wish that there was more I can do. But as I mentioned, Thank God locally, there’s a lot going on and a lot of people taking care of everyone. And I feel like people who are far away are having a hard time. And I want to tell you that’s okay. And it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to process and it’s okay to just be with your emotions.

And it’s okay that they’re now, and it’s okay that they come and go. And it’s also okay that they’re choppy, you know, like cry, cry, cry. And then, oh, there’s something technical to take care of. So I gotta stop crying and do that. And it’s okay. That life is weird. That throws you a bunch of different things at once.

There’s happy things and sad things and weird things. And, and that’s all, it’s all okay. And the fact that we can focus on the big picture, God being present right here, right now and living in the best way that we can. So that we can reach the redemption and we can take a lot, a lot of notes from her. And as I said, there’s a GoFundMe that you can, that you can donate to.

There is a WhatsApp group of memories that people are sending their voice notes to and their pictures and their screenshots. And there’s going to be a book and it’s going to be really special. If you could send in your story. Even if you had nothing to do with her, how this experience impacted you, where you are.

Okay, let’s exhale together, breathe it in, let God’s light heal what it needs to heal. We cannot do this alone. We need each other and we need to lean on God.

And I love you all. And I hope that you stay around and listen to the other podcast episodes that are much happier and much more perky and energetic. But as I said, I think it’s important to also be human and to know when to be sad and to give ourselves permission to be who we are. And I don’t want you to think that this, you know.

Disconnected, perfect person who’s living in like la la land. I think it’s really important for you to know that I’m human, and so are you. We all are. It’s the reason why we don’t understand. It’s the reason why we’re so limited. It’s the reason why we are having a hard time with this. And it’s the reason why we’re crying and grieving and feeling the pain.

It’s the reason why we can’t breathe. It’s the reason why we can’t function. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything about us. It just means that we’re human and it’s actually a good thing because if you weren’t feeling any of that, you’d feel really, really bad. And I think a lot of people are feeling really bad that they can’t cry, that it’s not hitting them, that they don’t feel as close as they thought they felt or that, it’s not the way they’re supposed to feel.

So I want to give you permission to feel whatever you feel and let yourself be where you are. Another really important thing is that in times like these. We said to ourselves, it could have been me. It could have been me. And it’s really scary. It could have been me in a scary sense of, Oh my God, it could have been any of us.

And also hearing all of the beautiful things that people said about her, taking it to the other side of nobody would have said that about me. Or they wouldn’t have anything nice to say about me if that was me. And I want to tell you that this is normal too. And it’s okay. Because at this moment, your body knows to just be negative.

Your body knows to just be pessimistic, lost all the light of holding on to God, holding on to hope, knowing that there is going to be a better tomorrow. All the light has been almost sucked out of our lives. It is temporary and it’s okay. And so I don’t want you going and being hard on yourself that you’re not a good wife or you’re not a good mother or you’re not a good human or you don’t make food for people or I’m not the type that really takes care of the community or, you know, all the things that you could be thinking as a result of how amazing she was.

And I want to tell you that that’s okay. That’s okay. You don’t have to be Adina. Adina had to be Adina, and Adina fulfilled her role. You have to be you, and you get to fulfill your role, and you don’t have the same role as Adina. You have the same role as you and you only God does not make extra. And he does not need you to be someone else.

He needs you to be you. And there is a theme in my podcast. There is a reason why there’s over a hundred episodes of permission to be you. And find what works for you and go do you in the best way possible. So don’t give too much weight to these thoughts because they’re worked. They’re coming from a place of lack of light and lack of clarity.

And that does not mean that they’re true. It means that. Maybe they’re bringing it to your attention so that you can see where you can improve, but not so you can beat yourself up. Okay? Last time, everybody open up your hands, let the light in just a tiny bit, open up a crack, allow God to

help us heal and bring us the nechama that we need. I love you all. Thank you for listening and thank you for being with me through this journey. And I hope that we have lots of good news and we never have to do this again. No more sad episodes on this podcast. I mean,

take care of yourself. I love you.

 And that’s it! Thank you for listening to the very end. I would love if you can leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. Those are things that tell the algorithm this is a good podcast and make sure to suggest it to others. Wouldn’t it be amazing if more people became more connected for real? And now take a moment and think of someone who might benefit from this episode.

Can you share it with them? I am Robinson Bat chen Grossman from connectedforreal. com. Thank you so much for listening and don’t forget you can be connected for real.